| what is love to you?

tw: mentions of suicide

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"xiaoting?" xiaoting opened her eyes, looking up from where her head was placed to see her girlfriend looking on her. xiaoting was cuddled up with y/n, her head buried on the latter's chest, xiaoting was tired, after coming back from idol activities, she wanted sleep, a rest beside her girlfriend.

although there was hesitance lighting up in y/n's heart, she doesn't know if this was xiaoting or the xiaoting she knew, cuddled up on her and sleeping heavily. it seems like xiaoting didn't want to wake up yet, instead of answering the faint call from her girlfriend, xiaoting sighed and nuzzled back to y/n's chest.

y/n's right arm was wrapped around xiaoting's shoulder while the other one was patting and playing with xiaoting's hair.

"how was work?" y/n asked, even though she was sure that xiaoting isn't probably paying attention or listening to her.

it's been a month since they last saw each other, y/n was busy with her university activities as she studies law, meanwhile xiaoting's been gone due to her idol work— in conclusion they really don't have any time to give to each other, they were so busy, almost like they only see each other once in a blue moon. it hurts yeah, but it was the reality given by the harsh fact that the career they chose needed time and effort.

y/n wonders, in all those times they couldn't see, touch, hear or be with each other, does xiaoting think of her? or was she busy with other people? even so, y/n might not say it or admit it, but the fact xiaoting came back to her again, makes her happy, and the fact xiaoting may not come back again scares her.

does she think of other people too? talk with other pretty girls? flirt with other girls? y/n wouldn't know, because behind the screen where she watches xiaoting away for over a mile or two, she doesn't know what's on her head, heart or what she feels.

was xiaoting ever vocal about those? no she was never, but y/n wished xiaoting was, it's hard having to stare at her and ponder about how she feels, did y/n did something wrong? is there something she needed to fix?

y/n doesn't understand.

was she being a bad girlfriend? why can't xiaoting just speak up about it?

but initiating a conversation with a tired xiaoting was harder, she looked so down, looking like she doesn't even get enough sleep.

y/n wonders, if everything was normal, would this be happening to them, would their relationship be drag to the edge?

i hope xiaoting knows how much y/n worries about it everyday and night.

carrying the burden of multiple responsibilities and multiple regrets and guilt.

xiaoting shifted a bit, before pouting and looking up once again to y/n. "i'm tired, super, dealing with people is so tiring." xiaoting groaned, hands gripping y/n's waist as she adjusted her position to feel more warmth.

"sorry i couldn't watch over you—" suddenly the weight brought by xiaoting's body was gone and y/n sees xiaoting rising up from where she was before, dragging her body at the same position as y/n, leaning in and burying her face in the crook of y/n's neck.

"i miss you." xiaoting murmured, tickling y/n, her weight felt like feathers as she laid on top of y/n, hands intertwining with y/n's. y/n giggles, purring like a cat. "me too."

.......

"wow this beach looks so nice." y/n sighed as she saw the heavenly view in front of her, the sky is bright blue, clouds are whole and looks fluffy, the sea is so clear, the sand is as perfect than y/n thought it would be everything was so beautiful, it was also very sunny.

xiaoting nodded, as she leaned on the wooden gate of their cottage, before glancing on y/n who was still mesmerized by the view given by the beach. "yes, i made sure it would look like what it is in the picture, perfect timing isn't it?" xiaoting inquired, seeing the amusement in her lover's face.

y/n felt her heart beating so fast and loud, was it the heat? but her face felt hot.

"did you like it?" xiaoting asked, stepping a bit closer towards y/n and pushing the soft strands of hair behind y/n's ears. y/n looked at xiaoting and nodded. "yes, i'm glad you brought me here."

"i thought this might help us bond together again after 1 month of not talking to each other, and to ease the stress we have." xiaoting stated, as her hand fell beside her, facing the view, blinded by the bright sun.

"hmm... why'd you choose here? this seems far from where you work." actually, y/n can catch up to why xiaoting chose to go far away from where they work, but having to hear it from xiaoting herself was better and would put ease to her.

"i figured having to pick a closer place might get attention from people, here, we're all alone." xiaoting looked like she was still shy and scared to admit it, but having to hear it from her made y/n's heart flutter. so y/n asked "do you think someone will recognize you here?"

xiaoting shrugged, she doesn't know but she hoped no one will, she doesn't know how to be a lot more affectionate, she planned all of this to at least get back for the days she wasn't there for y/n. "i hope not." she muttered, earning a hum from y/n.

xiaoting breaths heavily, heaving a small sigh as she looked back at y/n who apparently was staring at the ocean, before she was able to speak to her again, y/n walked out of the cottage before sitting down at the carpet placed near the sea, under a big umbrella. xiaoting followed, looking down at y/n who staring at the clear sea of the beach.

"was the beach that pretty? you look really occupied by it." xiaoting laughed, before taking a sit beside y/n, who laughed and smiled brightly at xiaoting. "not like that, it's just— our time here might be short so, i'm just making the most of it." y/n replied.

but their time together was short too— xiaoting thinks, how would they make the most of it?

"i want to make most of my time with you too, but i don't seem to know how?" xiaoting admits, she's a bad lover, she'll never know how to give everything, and she might not be able to give everything and that scares her— what if y/n gets tired, leaves, xiaoting doesn't know. maybe she was a coward, instead of facing y/n she turns away and waits.

"me too, but i'll be happy whatever you do." y/n was always like that, so unfair, it doesn't matter whatever xiaoting does, she'll gladly accept it, but a part of her wants xiaoting so bad, it was greed she thinks, but if it's okay, she wants to be with xiaoting no matter what the situation is. and hoping xiaoting would know it and feels the same.

"i don't think whatever i'm doing is enough, am i doing enough?" xiaoting asked, now this isn't something y/n expected. where did xiaoting think of this? y/n shook her head. "no, i understand your situation, i think what you're doing is—" before y/n was able to finish it, xiaoting sighed.

"yes my situation, if only i could focus on us more, i wanted to give you everything, but i don't know how." romance was hard, but what is love if it isn't about romance?

how do i tell her i love her? xiaoting thought— will giving the world to her be enough, giving y/n her heart, take y/n somewhere they could be together forever.

or dying with her.

right now.

"i'll gladly take whatever you can give." xiaoting hoped it was just her— but was it all a lie? was she lacking on something? if this isn't enough, then maybe giving her life would be.

"i want to die with you." xiaoting muttered getting a soft gasps from the other girl, y/n was surprised, suddenly everything felt dark, and y/n doesn't know why nor understand where xiaoting is getting all of this from.

but xiaoting wasn't alarmed, she was staring right at y/n's eyes, trying to convey a message. "if right now, i kill myself for you, would you be happy?" y/n felt herself back up a little due to surprise, but she shook her head. "no, why would you?" y/n asked.

"because i love you, and i don't know how to show it to you." xiaoting rambled, now understanding as to why y/n was confused and shocked, but y/n chuckled. "if you do, i'll be sad and... kill myself too." almost like some story she heard somewhere, xiaoting stared at y/n, who smiled at her.

"xiaoting, i love you too." y/n paused, holding xiaoting's hand and fondling it. "and i hope you know it too." the latter continued.

"yeah, i do..." xiaoting muttered, feeling her face heat up and her heart beating fast it was ringing in her ears. "good, because i want you here right now with me." y/n whispered, her words felt like it was blew by the wind to the air. "i want you here too." xiaoting nodded.

there was small laugh under y/n's lips, before poking xiaoting's cheeks. "and if you want you can say i love you many times without planning a double suicide." y/n leaned in a pecked xiaoting's lips, earning a huff from xiaoting, who raised her hand to scratch the back of her head and sighed.

"y-yeah," unable to hide the smile, xiaoting stood up and ran towards the water, laughing her lungs off—leaving y/n confused. "xiaoting!" y/n called out to xiaoting who stood on the sea, waving her hand.

"come on!" xiaoting yelled and laughed, from there she saw y/n stood up and ran towards xiaoting, heaving small laughs under her breath.