| on a good note

note: we are all sad

"i... finally said yes to her!" y/n looked at her friends with a smile, hands clasped together while she spoke, her breathing was not steady, nervous as she had prepared for this her whole week. there's this girl around her school who she liked for quite a long time, a classmate to be exact, they've talked for a while and clicked together more than they expected and after a few months of getting to know— y/n found courage to say yes.

everyone was happy for her, really the girls cheered as they surrounded her in a cafe near y/n and minji's school, after a long time of planning this meet up and after they've failed a lot of times too, they finally were able to see each other again complete as a group after almost one year of being away from each other.

haerin watched as danielle and hanni hugged y/n, she say beside minji who smiled at the three and to hyein who stood up from her seat and jumped a few times. haerin lets out a flat smile with her lips, eyes watching every turn in y/n's expression ever since they got inside the cafe.

she looks genuinely happy.

that's good.

it's been a long time since haerin has last seen y/n, after middle school, haerin studied on a different school for her first year in high school, a school from another city which was quite far away. hanni and danielle were from the same school too and hyein was on another school near danielle and hanni. minji and y/n are also from the same campus. being the farthest from the group made haerin have lesser chances to meet them and they weren't always complete when they try to hang-out.

sometimes, hyein isn't allowed, sometimes danielle.

but haerin has always been absent due to her schedule being different.

that was a blessing though, it may seem like haerin was being a distant friend, dismissive but... she couldn't handle hearing y/n talk about all these romances thing going on for her, either when she meets a boy or a girl.

it's not like she doesn't care, she does and that's the worst part.

haerin knows it's her own fault, four years of being close to each other and she didn't try and utter out any word to tell y/n what she felt for the girl?

it's her fault yeah.

that haerin would rather play cupid or wingman to get y/n close to whoever her crushes was than make a move, that she'd rather fake out a smile when y/n seems happier with other people whom haerin knows will just treat her bad.

even if someone tells haerin how much she's wasted a lot because of that, she knew it wouldn't change a thing, she can't go back in time just to tell y/n how she felt because it will end the same, she'd probably just turn her back towards y/n and walk away like a little coward she is.

it's the fact that they were friends, they had the same mutual friends and haerin could cut herself off from y/n's life if y/n ever rejected her but that's not the case.

they had friends around them that made it hard for haerin to let go. she can't slip up, say the wrong word and then hide— potentially making things awkward for all of them.

so in the span of four years she had to endure that pain that she dismissed every single time, pushing herself aside whenever she can and brushing her feelings away when it comes back and then bothers her until she's wide awake at night thinking of everything. she has denied those feelings for a long time, choosing to keep herself thinking that these feelings will not last and will not matter until it did.

she turned sixteen and looked at herself on the mirror only to see a reflection of some pathetic girl living off of lies and rejections.

those sharp eyes similar to a cat's watched from a far, her dainty hands that pushed away people who she knew cared for her.

for four years, she told her friends nothing about it, keeping things cool until they finished middle school. haerin watched as y/n talked to classmates and friends, when y/n asked if haerin could take a picture of her and her father, and in return y/n took a photo of haerin and her mother.

that genuine smile of hers that kept all the tears behind a mask, y/n is a cry-baby, only haerin knew of that. when y/n faces rejection either in life or romance, she knew it did hurt a lot to y/n, whether she's the one rejecting or the one being rejected.

her heart is big, everyone can fit in it.

haerin wanted to tell her everything but she understood y/n's pain of rejecting someone she knew was close to her and watching them drift away.

haerin didn't want to hurt y/n.

so from afar and farther, she watched and listened.

maybe, not seeing each other for a very long time did help haerin, she had only realized those feelings she had in her third year of middle school.

now almost on her second year of high school, haerin is learning how to forget and how to let go. maybe it's not all about losing physical connection, it's about untangling the invisible strings that kept her heart connected to y/n, because even if she kept hiding and running away, she's gonna end up coming back.

and the pain is gonna keep getting worse every single time.

"i'm happy for you y/n, you deserve it." haerin's words made everyone silent, they all looked at her but haerin's eyes grazed y/n only, seeing the surprised look on her face before it slowly faded into a bright smile and y/n stood up before rushing towards haerin and embracing the girl into a tight hug. not forgetting to whine in the process.

"haerin! you're always so nice to me ever since we're in middle school!" y/n said, burying her face on haerin's shoulder causing the girl's lip to twitch but haerin smiled, placing a hand on y/n's back.

"yeah, whatever." haerin said, though her words sound dismissing, everyone knows she cares and it's evident in the softness of her voice, how she articulated her words and the smile on her lips.

this might just be it.

this might be an end of a long period.

"haerin~! i'll make sure this one will last i promise." haerin closed her eyes as y/n's words seeped in right through her ears and to her brain, she took a deep breath and nodded carefully. "you better make it last y/n." like a warning, haerin stated— earning giggles from the other girls and a pout from y/n.

being away from y/n was truly a blessing in disguise, yes it hurts to be away from someone you care of and not hear anything from them for a long time but at the same time, if that's the only way she can heal from the wound that's still fresh then so be it, at least she can truly say she's happy for her friend and can finally leave in peace without feeling regret everytime she misses an opportunity that was never there from the start.

this time, haerin can truly say she's healed and can now move on.

in a cloudy night, haerin stood beside a pedestrian lane, waiting for the green light while there were other people around her waiting too, her eyes fell towards the posts then to the cafe, whose light shined on the street. the light hits green and haerin started making her way across the street, then to the cafe where she opened the door and was greeted by a ring of a bell.

her eyes grazed the entire cafe, lots of tables around, the wooden designs of walls where different frames are hung around, the lights on the ceiling and the bright atmosphere.

as haerin tried to look for a table a voice called out to her.

"haerin!" haerin recognized the familiar voice and turned around to see y/n and a taller girl beside her, their hands intertwined as y/n pulled her girlfriend towards haerin direction.

eunchae? was it?

"ah, y/n." haerin could only say as she watched the pair make their way towards her and then both of them had smiles on their faces.

eunchae's smile seemed to look very friendly, her eyes are bright under the lights at it sparkled a different kind of star inside, her hand held y/n's tightly as if not wanting to let go. haerin could only give a faint smile at the duo, waving her hand slowly at them.

"i haven't seen you for a month! how are you doing?" y/n asked, other hand reaching for haerin's arm and her fingertips slide down to haerin's wrist. haerin's eyes met y/n's and she shrugged. "good, it's just the same everyday." haerin muttered, feeling eunchae stare at her. "miss you haerin," y/n stated, before looking up at eunchae and adding. haerin can only stare.

"anyway, we have to go. bye!" y/n said, letting go of haerin "goodbye!" the ever-so-sweet and mischievous eunchae waved her hand after she bowed her head and haerin watches as the pair exited the cafe.

haerin raised her hand and clutched her chest, remembering that type of pain she'll feel inside when y/n says anything that hurt her, it was like being stabbed by thorns, it repeatedly hurts and she can feel if around her heart, pushing further inside.

but now, it didn't feel like that anymore, and it felt like she was completely emotionless standing there inside the cafe, she felt nothing the whole time.

is that something to be happy about?

she's completely forgotten about the feelings she hid for too long, she had successfully let go of the strings that kept her attached to y/n.

but at what cost?

her emotions? her empathy?

she felt like a robot.

she isn't hiding anymore but she's completely lost the emotions she once had, haerin doesn't understand whether it's a bad thing or not, she doesn't know when will she be able to feel anything once again.

have all those years of hurting conditioned her to feel nothing?

haerin brought her hand down and decided she didn't want anything anymore then exited the cafe and found her way to a local bookstore.

when haerin is reading some romance genre books, she hated reading anything about unrequited love, or love that cannot be reciprocated back because it feels targeted towards her and she hated having to resurface the feelings of being pushed behind or being rejected.

but tonight, she felt like grabbing one only to try and understand what was wrong with her the whole time.

the light from the lamp posts shined upon the streets that were still packed by commuters and people of all ages, the lights from shops and buildings are bright against the dark night and the gray pavements. her feet felt light, but her shoulders were heavy as she walked on the cold bumpy street.

her eyes stare blankly across the road as she watched vehicles of all kinds and people pass by before she took a stop at the bookstore.

when she entered, she was greeted by the strong smell of new and old books, the type of smell she's very much used too after being inside a library every single day her whole middle school.

she walked upstairs to look for books and her hand trailed towards the section of romance novels in a shelve.

once again, finding that book she once dropped a long time ago when she first became a first year student. haerin tried to check on the book, thought about buying and but saw that it was about some type of unrequited love between two girls that took a very long time to resolve.

haerin hated those, so she dropped it.

like it was destined, she found the book again and it still looked as brand new like the time she first saw it.

haerin's heart felt a wave of relief wash over her, she opened her mouth to exhale before grabbing it with her dainty fingers.

finally, haerin can start a new book.

and she remembered what her teacher once said in the councilor office when haerin got in trouble for being unresponsive to one of her teachers.

that one cannot open a new book if they can't close an old one, they can't start a new story if they cannot finish the other one.

haerin can't get to the good note if she hasn't experience the worst.

it's cruel but sometimes life just works that way, it may seem unfair but if that's the only way haerin can truly find herself and the happiness she had longed for— then haerin will try her best to look for it.

no, scratch it, not "try".

haerin will do her personal best to search for it.

and on a good note, haerin can now be happy for y/n, sincerely without a pang of pain setting inside her heart, without regret of not being able to catch up with time and without pushing herself to the back.

if that's how she'll have to start again, haerin will be fine with that.