| first love

(‘◉⌓◉’)

"i'm so strong..." incoherent sighs, tears, lies, anger, loneliness. youngeun sat alone at a swing in the children's playground, the weak feeling in her body prevents her from doing anything but sob. why was she so hurt in the first place? it didn't make sense, because it hurt a lot— it hurts so much and it's so unfair she was the only who felt it. it was so unfair she was the only one who is allowed to feel the thorns poking her chest, preventing her from breathing properly.

strong girls don't cry.

she thought—  in those times she smiled, ran, laughed, danced, sing, made everyone laugh. she felt like she was the strongest person, youngeun thought no pain would be able to make cower her down.

but now she felt like a big child, whimpering under her breath, crying over the course of lies and heartbreak.

why does silent rejection hurt so bad?

there she was standing, carrying the burden of mixed emotions in her heart, yet when she told y/n the feelings she had, none of those emotions even got off her heart, it still feels heavy.

y/n, standing there, looking at youngeun with those lifeless eyes, her lips not opening for a single word, yet when she heard youngeun confess, she gasped in shock, but only gave a minute of silent treatment. why was that? did youngeun did something wrong?

y/n wasn't able to answer, as youngeun rushed away, embarrassed, ashamed, scared, hurt. tears were falling like a faucet left opened in her eyes, she was whimpering as she ran. scared y/n might see her in her weakest state, she ended up in their classroom— packing up her things, silence engulfing her and the only thing she heard was he sobs.

she felt like a sore loser.

thinking of that moment, youngeun felt tears falling from her eyes again, broken sobs fell of her lips, as she lifted her shaking arms to wipe the tears away. "god, why am i crying so bad like this...?" youngeun doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that rejection hurt, like a knife pushed down on her chest.

after wiping her tears, she placed her hands on her thighs, and all of the sudden the quiet place was awakened by the ringing of her phone. youngeun blinked a few times, as she picked up her phone from her bag and opened it to see xiaoting calling.

looking up— it was already dark, she had no idea she's been crying for so long.

but youngeun decided to face the truth and answer the call from the concerned older girl.

"youngeun?! youngeun-chan?!" she was greeted by two different voices from the other line, one from xiaoting and the other one from yurina, they both sound worried; wondering where youngeun went off to. "o-oh hey." she didn't sound happy, nor the normal youngeun that she was, she sounded like a fragile glass that was about to break and shatter into pieces.

from the other line, she hears yurina speaking japanese in a fast pace, almost sounding like she was panicking. "i'm okay—" before youngeun could speak, yurina did. "where were you!?" yurina asked, almost like yelled over the phone, she sounded like she was crying.

youngeun hears xiaoting whispering something to yurina, almost like coaxing, or trying to tell yurina not to panic. "youngeun." xiaoting calls, there was shuffling and silence, before xiaoting continued again. "where did you go to? we were worried." oh, of course they were, everytime youngeun would feel like she was at her lowest, xiaoting and yurina would lift her up.

she would be able to open up what she feels, whenever she was frustrated, tired, mad and sad, they were there to heart everything even the smallest thing.

but this one was not it, she couldn't afford letting them hear anything or what happened to her today. "just somewhere nearby." youngeun answered, her other hand that wasn't holding her phone reached for the rope of the swing, rocking herself swiftly.

"youngeun, manami said she saw you running away off with your bag while crying— why?" youngeun clicked her tongue, trying not to recollect all the things that happened, in the end, what happened had happened, there was no forgetting it, but she didn't want to go back and tell everything, she was better off lying.

"nothing." youngeun replied, she was trying to set off a boundary to prevent her from breaking down into tears as she thinks about what she felt, what y/n felt, at that moment, she was upset.

"youngeun... we were looking for you, it's already dark outside, your parents are worried and so are we." yurina's voice softened, trying to tend to youngeun and coaxing her to finally speak whatever is on her mind.

"i got rejected." youngeun's voice rang from her line to xiaoting's, there was silence, both xiaoting and yurina didn't know what it meant or what it was suppose to be.

youngeun's breath started getting heavy, a sob was forming on the back of her throat yet she tries her best to prevent it from spilling out of her lips. "so i— ran, and she didn't even reply to me." from the other line, xiaoting sighed.

"who was that?" xiaoting asked, youngeun lowered her hand that was holding her phone. tears dripping down her phone as she started crying again. "youngeun please come home." yurina pleaded, hoping youngeun would listen. one more time.

from youngeun's line, sobs after sobs were heard as youngeun's cries started getting louder and audible towards yurina and xiaoting.

"i don't want to go home... yet." youngeun grumbled, her voice shaking and so does her hand. her mind felt hazy, all she can see was tears and the image of y/n staring at her with literally no emotion or spark in her eyes.

"if you want we'll pick you up there." xiaoting wanted to just take youngeun from wherever she was, hug her and take her home, but youngeun wasn't complying. "no please, leave me alone." youngeun mumbled, before ending the call with a sigh on her shaking lips.

wiping her face with her sleeve, youngeun held tighter to the rope of the swing, hoping the tears would end, but it was falling down more and more. her lips were quivering, different emotions pouring over like waterfalls, her heart felt like it was exploding from her ribcages.

"so unfair..." youngeun grumbled, biting her lip and closing her eyes.

due to how tired she was, she didn't hear the pair of footsteps coming closer towards her, she just wanted to sleep, go home, but having to face everyone with swollen face, red eyes and quivering lips was scary.

out of the sudden, youngeun felt a hand on top of hers. she jolted awake, yet didn't face behind. "youngeun." the familiar voice of a girl greeted youngeun out of her thoughts, she sighed mentally.

not now please.

"sorry for that, i didn't know what you feel and didn't know what yo answer." y/n explained herself, scared she might hold youngeun in a wrong way and she ends up breaking her apart. y/n knows youngeun is in her fragile state, and she's scared to hurt her once again.

"yes, it's okay, i know." youngeun answered, almost like a whisper as she felt y/n's grip in her hands became tight. "seriously, i'm sorry for hurting your feelings it was rude for me not to address your feelings the way i should've done." youngeun flinched, she knows y/n wouldn't be able to address her feelings not even her own, so having to say sorry to something that is impossible to happen made her hurt.

"no need to address it, i'm okay now and have accepted it." youngeun responded, heaving a few breaths to relax herself. at the end, no matter how many sorry's are muttered, it'll be heartbreaks at the end.

"no, seriously— i just didn't know what to say." y/n tried her best, tried, but for youngeun there was no need to even talk about anything of what happened, she was hurt, y/n apologized yet feelings wouldn't be reciprocated.

youngeun stood up, picked up back and pulled away from y/n's hand, she wiped the stains on her face and faced y/n with a small smile.

"yes, no need to explain." youngeun nodded and looked away, it was dark, only the lights from posts gave way to the alley. "it's late and i really need to get home already." youngeun started walking, dashing away from the playground, leaving y/n standing there with a frown.

youngeun, once again started running away.

y/n looked back to where youngeun went, sighing as her heart poured out all the guilt out, she angry to herself for being a huge asshole and being inconsiderate.

"i didn't know..."

it was the first and youngeun hoped it would be the last.

"i hate you."