| a shoulder you can lean on.

note: too much new jeans on drafts, i will be using heeseo for any newjeans ff

ban heeseo.

"are you able to find the answer to the problem?" my eyes move to the figure beside me, haerin— yeah that's what i remember her name to be. she sat beside me while i lean on my desk and was answering the math problem that was assigned to us and that other girl named kyujin who sits next to me. i don't see this girl often, heck i don't even remember her face nor what her name is. i nodded my head and she placed a piece of paper on my desk. "i tried answering the problem and this is the answer i got." haerin said, pushing the paper until it hit my forearm, i stared at it and saw her answer that matched mine.

"oh nice, that's the same answer and solution i got." i told her and showed her my paper, she compared it and sighed with a stoic face. "that's good, i thought my answer was wrong so i wanted to compare it to yours." she said, i shrugged and tore the paper from my notebook as i propped my bag on my desk to get a clean sheet of paper from my bag.

"what's the problem again?" i asked her as i begin to write my name on the piece of paper. "x²+6+8y=7, it's a parabola problem." she replied, i nodded and looked at her. "what's your name?" i asked, haerin looked at me with her sharp eyes and looked down with a flushed face. "kang haerin." i started writing our names on the paper before working on the problem and copying the answer from her and my paper.

kang haerin
jang kyujin
ban heeseo

she just watched me as i continue to write, i could feel her eyes digging in the side of my face, it made me slightly uncomfortable but i liked the company she gave me, her face is pale and her eyes are sharp, like a kitten's eye, it is mesmerizing to look at and something you would notice first when looking at her.

i finished drawing the graph and gently placed my pen on the table before reaching for my tumbler and started drinking water, i suddenly felt really thirsty. i almost forgot that haerin is still beside me so i turned my head to her direction and smiled at her. she just stared at me before looking at the board, kyujin entered and waved at us. "sorry i wasn't able to help with the solution! is there anything i can do to help?" she said as she walked behind us. i looked at her and nodded, passing the paper to her.

"you can report this answer for us and answer the questions, every answer you need is in that paper." i pointed at the sheet of paper on her hands, kyujin examined and started reading it carefully, every numbers that are written. she nodded.

haerin still haven't said a word but she stood up, garnering mine and kyujin's attention. "just ask me questions if you need help, i'll be back at my seat." she left to her usual spot next to the window. kyujin and i looked at each other before she took her seat next to mine.

after that, i never saw haerin up close again, she sat alone on her usual spot, just reading a book or sometimes on her phone if not she's staring at the window. it's almost what i always see whenever i look at her spot in front of a friend of mine. haerin doesn't stick out that much from anyone, i am not that familiar with her.

in our technology class, i was grouped with her in a film project, we sat in a misshaped circle where i stood in the middle. i started taking the names of my members and wrote it in a crumpled piece of paper, asking a classmate to write it on a cleaner one. while i was at it, i have once again forgotten haerin's full name, i looked at her and asked. "what's your full name again?" she looked at me before answering.

"kang haerin." with her almost inaudible voice.

haerin doesn't express much emotions, she's idle most of the time, just standing there and watching everyone. we went to our filming set and she arrived earlier than everyone. when we entered inside of a classmate's house, we sat on the living room and she was next to me. "can i film my parts first? my father will be waiting outside for me in a car, i can't stay past 12pm." haerin asked, looking at me. holding my camcorder, i looked at her and nodded. it didn't bother me that, as much as haerin blew me away with her beauty she didn't stood out that much on our film. "okay, i'll make sure you finish yours first." i adjusted the schedule for her own good, asking our members if they were fine with it.

everyone agreed. haerin was good, she finished every scene of hers in almost one or two takes only. she had a goal and she'd do anything to achieve it. i accompanied her outside to her father's car, haerin bowed and said thanks while grabbing a two boxes of donuts from her father's car and haded it to me. "thank you for your kind consideration, this is my thanks for you and the group. i appreciate the efforts very much." i stared at her as i reached for the boxes, watching her enter inside.

the car left, leaving me puzzled.

i watched the film, again, again, and again after editing it, not realizing how fixated i was on haerin's face— like i was memorizing every part of it.

haerin would ask me through text messages if our film has been edited, was the filming successful in one day? did we eat well? did we like the donuts? did i arrive home safely? or was i able to pass the hard drive to our teacher? and i would answer them frequently, sometimes late but i would try to give her concise answers to her liking.

it was just simple questions, sometimes about homeworks, the lessons in most of the classes, when a math problem confuses her, she'll ask me, i'll ask her for notes, she'll send it to me.

it was just that.

until the short messages started becoming a longer, we'll text each other every once a week, sometimes two but after a month, it became a daily thing.

haerin would even ask me about trivial stuff like: what did you eat during lunch? did you take a bus? or did you see the cat around our campus?

before it was just all about school, sometimes even books i read, books she read that she hoped i would like too. now, even the smallest things about her day— she'll send me a text, before school, during,  and after even in the weekends.

but we never talk to each other inside the classroom.

one day, i arrived at the campus earlier than usual, i sat on a bench under a waiting shed, rooms weren't open until 10 minutes before classes start and when i checked the time, i still have almost an hour to wait. i wasn't expecting anyone until another person sat beside me on the bench. i turned my head to the stranger and saw kang haerin, her side profile, her cute nose, her eyes squinting under the bright sun, the bangs of hers spreading nicely on her forehead, cheeks that burn red under the heat and her plump rose lips. i stared, i know i did because i wanted to.

i know how long i was staring and looked away, feeling awkward. "you're earlier than usual." haerin stated, her tone was the same but her voice is as smooth as a silk fabric. i nodded. "yes, i didn't realize i got ready early and went to take a bus— then i'm just here." i answered, my sights were on the large building of our school where our classroom was located, the rainbow colored pedestrian street and the playground beyond the fence. i blinked. "i always see you at the cafe 20 minutes before classes." haerin said, i shifted my line of sight to her face, she was looking down at something... i followed and saw an average sized calico cat licking itself clean on the ground, it reminded me of her and our biology lesson about sex links. i looked at haerin again.

"do you always come at this hour?" that's... too early. i usually hate having to wait this much unless we have to prepare for something before classes, i just accidentally got to school earlier. haerin was quiet but she spoke and turned her head to look at me. "yeah, i like waiting under this shed and just looking at our community cats." haerin answered. it was simple, she just liked going to school early and waiting while reading her book.

after that, i started to come to school early. 40 minutes before classes i'd be sitting next to haerin on the same shed, talking about nonsense and just laughing at the smallest things. it was such a comfort, a comfort no any other person could give me. she makes me happy in a way i do not understand, it was hard to comprehend— the feelings that circles around my head and the thumping of my heart around her. when i would suddenly feel nervous when we get inside the room and just act like we weren't talking to each other.

no one knows, i don't think they do nor i don't them to.

this feeling we share is just for me and haerin, i don't think anyone would understand. 

then i watched the film again, replaying to haerin's parts.

i feel my heart beating like it wants to escape my chest, my cheeks are burning red. 

i think i love her.

i love kang haerin.