| disintegrate.

oh it was all my fault,
didn't know commiting to a girl would be hard.

heeseo held her camcorder tightly with her one hand, as she stood by the small alleyway of their village, her other arm wrapped with a cast to keep it from hurting. it was starting to get darker, the sky was blue with the tint of gray, she stood in the middle of the road in the end of the alleyway. she was waiting for someone, someone very close to her heart, minji was suppose to meet her by this time, minji lived in that alleyway, in the row of houses that stood in the darkness. heeseo leaned on the dusty wall, the dust sticks on her dark uniform but she doesn't mind it at all. how long has she been waiting, even she doesn't know, long enough for her to feel her knees trembling a bit, it was cold.

"heeseo." minji's deep voice woke her up from her deep sea of thoughts, heeseo looked up to the ground to meet minji's round eyes as she approached. "have you been waiting too long?" minji asked, closing the gap between them while heeseo stayed leaning on the wall, the strands of her hair covering her eyes like a curtain. "no... not really." heeseo muttered, her voicing cracking as it sounded like she was about to break. minji touched heeseo's shoulder, making heeseo flinch a little and her breath hitched. even with the thick fabrics of her clothing she can feel the coldness of minji's hand. "is your arm hurting?" minji slid the same hand to heeseo's cast, looking at the drawings and doodles they have made, and that small heart of pink nail polish.

"it's not hurting minji, don't worry." heeseo stated, looking over minji's shoulder to the arc in the other side of the alleyway that leads to a lamp post. "it's cold that's all." it frustrated heeseo a little that she cannot move her other hand at all. she wished to touch minji's cheeks and caress it, she wished to hold her hand but all she can move is the other hand of her, just uselessly holding the camcorder as if it was stuck on her hand forever. minji looked at her, but heeseo refused to look back— afraid to get lost and drown in the irises of minji's round eyes. "i hope everything's alright with you." minji whispered, her voice grew softer with each words she speaks, a blush grew on heeseo cheeks. she tried to look back at minji but it was taking all her strength to even do so.

"a-ah yes of coure... i have you— and hanni and jihye, haerin and hyein! i'll be okay, you know." heeseo muttered and tried to keep a  sheepish laugh in the end. minji smiled, sliding her hand off of the cast, minji held her hands up and cupped heeseo's cheeks, squishing it softly, then caressing it. "you're so cute, do you know that?" minji said, laughing every squeeze she does on heeseo's cheeks. "no, not really... i don't get told often." heeseo answered, feeling her lips tremble at the sheer coldness of minji's hand, so cold it felt unreal or impossible. "that's good, at least you can assure that if i were the one to tell you how pretty you are, you know it's true." minji muttered, letting her hand fall in heeseo's petite shoulders, to her arms, pulling heeseo close to her. heeseo rested her head on minji's shoulder, her breath hitched and it stopped for a moment when she can hear the loud beating of minji's heart, or was it hers? it was thumping loud.

but minji's body was so cold, the warmth of her own body contradicted the coldness of minji's as if she was touching ice but even so, it was comforting— the arms that wrap around her to keep her safe from the dangers of their surrounding. from the weird teachers running their school, the weird guys in their class, her parents and the mean adults in their village, minji would protect her from those, she promised. there were warm tears that trickled on heeseo's cheeks, rolling down to her chin as it dripped down the floor.

"don't leave me please." heeseo whispered, dropping her camcorder as she gripped minji's blazer, burying her wet face on minji's neck, the strands of her sticking mindlessly on her face but she couldn't care. it's so cold in here. "you..." heeseo sniffled, her sobs were deep and hard, her heart felt like exploding in her ribcage as she let the tears fall. minji stood there, caressing heeseo's back.

i could disintegrate right in front of your eyes,
and you wouldn't know whether if i was dead or alive.

"you'll be fine right? you're on your final year, don't let your thoughts push you away from your study." minji whispered, tracing circles on heeseo's back with her slender fingers to comfort her. heeseo shook her head, her eyes puffy and her nose was runny. "i don't know... i can't focus when i think of you... i'm gonna fail and i don't care at this point." heeseo answered, taking a deep breath but her lips was shaking, her eyes sting a little and her throat was fry. "your parents... they'll drag you away from us." minji muttered, leaning her plump lips on heeseo's head, her hand tangling its fingers on heeseo's hair. "they're always like that, it's for the best they say but whenever i think about it— i just want to be with you anyway." heeseo sniffled, chuckling sadly.

"am i crazy minji? am i stupid? do you get disappointed when you think if me and the injury in my arm?" heeseo lips touched minji's bare neck, causing minji to shake a little, but she kept her cool and stayed still as heeseo placed all her weight on her. "no... you know i would never, if i did i probably wouldn't be here with you right now." minji replied.

the pills... pills... heeseo, your pills.

"my dad told me if i don't drink my medicine i'll be damned, i don't want to drink pills anymore, it's gonna kill me..." heeseo shuddered at the sheer cold, but minji hushed her, it calmed her a bit but not to an extent, heeseo is still paranoid. "yeah, i know you don't like them. maybe it lessens you're uhm... panic attacks..? i hate seeing you at a bad state." minji held heeseo tighter, not letting her go, as if anything is to take her any moment. "i don't want to rely on pills anymore— i just need you..." heeseo voice starts to weaken every second, her eyelids feel heavy, the urge to close her eyes grew stronger every stroke on her back, every sobs she make.

"heeseo... wake up." heeseo heard a voice, she assumed coming from her father as she opened her eyes. the light was bright and the room was cold, just like what she remembered to be minji's touch yesterday minus the comfort. "minji..." she muttered, before hearing a sigh from her father who sounded frustrated. "you didn't take your pills did you?" her father asked, leaning on the bed with an expression heeseo couldn't care to look at. "mom..." heeseo called, which was immediately answered with a touch on her cheek. "heeseo... i'm glad you're okay, we saw you yesterday in an alleyway. i was so worried!" heeseo pursed her lips, eyes squinting to get a better view of her mother.

i'm not alone, minji was with me

heeseo's breath was shaky. "heeseo, don't just leave like that— you're worrying your mom, what if something bad happens to you! we can't afford to lose our only child." her father took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead, trying not to cause an outburst. "and you're also failing your—" "stop, please. this is not the time for that." her mother interrupted, looking at her father. "heeseo, you're going to be alright okay? stop thinking too much, i'm here." heeseo's mother caressed her cheeks, looking at her with sadness as she witnessed the depleting state of her daughter.

"it's too bad she doesn't like drinking pills but it really is important for her because it lessens her panic attacks and her schizophrenia's been bad lately." the doctor noted as he conversed with heeseo's parents, she sat by the window and looked around the surrounding, the dead buildings and the lifeless people walking on the streets. "the trauma she gained from that incident really affected her very much. i'm pretty sure she still blames herself for it, it's hard to live on with the survivor's guilt while the memory's still fresh in mind." heeseo's father nodded, taking note of the doctor's words. "i get it but i just don't understand why that happened, she doesn't wanna say the truth about the incident and i don't understand why it happened in the first place." he sighed as he looked at his daughter from his seat. "the answers are on your hands, i'm only here to help your daughter recover." the doctor answered, making his stance clear about the situation.

"can you still go to school?" in the car, the silence was shattered as heeseo's mother spoke delicately. heeseo heard the question but didn't want to process it as she stared mindlessly in the window, watching as their car passes by the city, she nodded. "she has to." her father added. "i'm just worried it's taking a toll on her mental health. if we have to homeschool her, i would certainly do." her mother made a point, so her father was silent.

i expect a better me to finally come my way,
but the hope i'm losing is drifting away.

heeseo's feet was soaked under the water of a lake, the water reached her knees, her socks and shoes left under the tree near the lake. her camcorder's taking too long to get fixed, her pills are taken regularly and she's going crazy.

what if we didn't jump in the lake?

what if i didn't tell them about my secret?

what if minji wasn't kind and considerate?

what if hanni never cared?

what if jihye hated me?

what if haerin wasn't bullied?

what if hyein never loved us?

what if i died instead?

there was no way she can bring back the time, no way she can jump once again and kill herself, minji wouldn't want that. it would take her so long to finally accept that they were forever gone, just a memory soon she'll forget, if she got lucky she might even remember them after a decade. she wished— minji was there to tell her it wasn't her fault, she wished minji was there to hug her again, paint her nails, hold her hand. heeseo was so sorry, the injury— when she saw haerin's pale face, the tears, it was raining and it was dark, the thunder, the wind blowing so hard.

that time heeseo coughed the water away, she couldn't see anything, her clothes dirties with mud, sticking to her skin as she looked for her friends, they were gone, she cried so hard she almost lost her own breath.

when heeseo stood by the funeral, she wanted to disappear, for the earth to eat her alive. heeseo can never face anyone ever again after what happened, when she looks at their parents she wanted to explode, why did this have to happen?

i hold a hole heart, gotta use it wise
i cancelled all my plans 'cause i changed my mind.

the sun hits heeseo's face as her mother opened the curtains. heeseo slowly opened her eyes to see her mother smiling at her. "heeseo my daughter, i'm so glad you're doing better now." her mother said as she sat beside heeseo, who laid down on her side. "you're graduating college next month, i thought i wouldn't have my daughter back again." heeseo's mother added. after a few years, she's finally off the pills, doing better but certainly not the best. whenever heeseo feels so down she thinks 'they would've been happy seeing me like this' and maybe she's right, she has to keep living somehow, treating every morning she opens her eyes as her last day, spending most of it with a clear head.

"thanks mom, i'm trying my best."