| shattered memories

"y/n! over here!" chaehyun shouts, waving her hands from a far— the camera zooms in to her figure, from almost like a dot to a very clear figure of chaehyun's body. chaehyun smiled, from beside the rocks at the beach she carefully made her way closer to y/n. "careful, chae." y/n's voice was heard from behind the video, the audio was not clear because of the camcorder they used was from 2010, causing the quality to be low. chaehyun's laughs were heard as she gets closer, the camera pans to the white sand of the beach as it moved while y/n, who held the camera approached chaehyun. "shit, i just stepped on a shell." y/n said, pointing the camera to her feet, shaking the sand off her feet, moving the focus of the camera back to her lover. "are you okay?" chaehyun asked, walking besides y/n, the camera points to the beautiful blue sea and clear skies, chaehyun stood besides y/n, her voice heard on the audio.

the clip finishes to a black screen.

dr. miyawaki leaned on her table, staring at the blank screen, bringing the remote down to the table's surface, letting it rest. she leaned away, immediately and moved her swivel chair backwards to stretch her arms and then reach for the glass of wine, stirring it for a while before taking a sip. "dr. miyawaki, your patient has arrived." the speaker rang through her office, miyawaki looked down to her table, where a speaker connected to the counter near the entrance of the clinic, she tapped on the button of the mic and spoke. "tell the patient to enter inside room 091, i'll be waiting." miyawaki leaned on her chair and just started spinning in boredom, thinking about the clips of her patient and her supposed "lover", her patient's situation was rather... very hard to understand, even for the patient herself, it was hard to comprehend. miyawaki made sure she'll make it easier for her patient, with no more than one paper to answer and all just pure talk and experience. the door opened, after a few seconds only enters a not-so-familiar face, it was dr. miyawaki's patient.

"good evening, dr. miyawaki." she muttered, voice still audible though she tried for it to not be that loud enough for miyawaki to hear. "good evening too, choi y/n. it's a pleasure to meet you." dr. miyawaki stood up and walked towards y/n to lead her to a seat in front of her desk, there were two leather couches facing each other, a table in between. "take a seat however you like." dr. miyawaki said as she smiled. dr. miyawaki moved her monitor to face y/n, preparing the different tapes of videos she recovered from y/n's property.

y/n didn't know what to feel, she sighed and nodded before taking a seat, putting all her weight to the surface of the couch. it was a relief, to finally have an appointment go an actual therapy and not just end up shouting at her girlfriend and ruining everything. if y/n did this before everything had gone bad- would it change her relationship with chaehyun?

"thanks doctor." y/n stated, feeling her lips dry and throat parched although she had just drunk water, for what if felt like an eternity- chaehyun would've insulted her if she saw, just how much of a moron her amazing girlfriend had been. "it's alright, don't feel a little too nervous. everything is alright, your secrets are safe here and i'll make sure you'll get out better than ever." dr. miyawaki assured her patient, she walked towards the big cabinet near the window and reached for a paper inside, she faced her back towards y/n but turned her head to ask a question.

"have you ever cheated on your lover?" she looked at y/n, eye to eye as she stood in front of the cabinet, holding the paper on her hands. y/n sat on the couch, blinking her eyes for a moment before briefly shaking her head. "are you sure?" miyawaki asked once again to confirm the answer she got. y/n looked away and took a deep breath before nodding. "yes, i'm sure." dr. miyawaki nodded her head and walked with the paper on her hand, her steps echoed around the whole office because of the silence it had. "alright, i have something here with me. all you need is to check and answer the questions- don't worry that is the first and last paper you'll ever see here." that's one thing miyawaki is proud of, she never handed out too much papers to her patients, one is enough and then she does the work all by herself, she believes that those papers are the reason why patients never find the right answers, too much questions.

"smile for me babe!" chaehyun shouted, her voice can be heard from the video, this time it was her that held the camera. y/n looked up from the pile of books and papers, cracked an awkward smile and raised a peace sign. chaehyun laughed, from the video, her shifting from the seat can be heard, and the visible shaking of the camera is apparent. "careful, chaehyun." y/n says, almost so many times. she reached her hand to chaehyun's back in order to keep her steady from falling down the chair. the video captured chaehyun's laugh, pointing the camera to the pile of books on the table, spread evenly on the surface. "look at those, these are the things y/n need go study for her finals." chaehyun stated, her voice showed hint of amusement and surprise, worry too thinking about her lover's situation. y/n laughed and the camera pans back to her. "that's what you get for having applied mathematics as your major." y/n snickered to herself, picking up a piece of paper as she wrote down solutions. chaehyun's other hand appeared and reached for y/n's head, caressing her softly. "don't stress yourself too much, i love me a math genius but it's not worth it if that math genius is always stressed." she says, followed by a giggle.

the video ends.

y/n stared at the tv, then to nothing and sighed, somehow even after a long time of recovering from a coma she still cannot process every memory correctly, feeling like she skipped a lot of chapters and every single memory isn't complete, like something was definitely missing. "look at the papers ms. choi, i need you to be honest with all those questions." dr. miyawaki stated, pointing at the paper and pen on the table, the questions were alined in one row and another row for the spaces that should be checked, one for "false" and another one for "true". y/n wasn't mad at this, even after she forgot some of the things from her past, answering questions on a paper weren't one of them.

taking of the cap of the pen she started to answer.

1.) in an argument, i get easily upset when my girlfriend accuses me of seeing other women.

true: ✓ false:

2.) i prefer to be alone when i have problems, rather than talk about it with a person close to me.

true: ✓ false:

3.) at night, i like to fantasize about different scenarios to keep me satisfied.

true: false: ✓

4.) sometimes, i think of other people when i'm with my girlfriend.

true: false: ✓

5.) i know my girlfriend hates when i drink a lot of alcohol, but i still do it.

true: ✓ false:

6.) i have thought about marrying her but there are still a lot of doubts inside my head.

true: ✓ false:

7.) i have once been with another woman behind my girlfriend's back.

true: false: ✓

8.) there are times i can't give assurance to her when she has doubts about herself.

true: false: ✓

9.) i prefer meeting new people than being with the same people everyday.

true: false: ✓

10.) sometimes, i have a hard time telling the truth to my girlfriend.

true: ✓ false:

"i hate you so much, you're such an asshole! you told me you were gonna be there! but you didn't even spent a single second there for me!" chaehyun shouted on top of her lungs, feeling like every word burned in her throat as it falls off her mouth. today was an important day for chaehyun, received an award from her university for her top performance in the semester, y/n promised she was gonna be there yet chaehyun had not spotted any signs of y/n around. "no chaehyun! i didn't say i would be there! i swear i didn't, i couldn't come because i had to be at my university! why can't you just understand?!" y/n yelled back, taking a step forward as she defended herself. "bullshit y/n! you know that! you said you were gonna be in that damn ceremony! but where were you the whole time?! out there seeing other girls?" chaehyun pointed at the door of y/n's apartment, eyes burning out of anger, feeling like a pool of tears were about to explode. chaehyun swore, y/n said she'd be there, she remembered it all— but why can't y/n? she's so upset, because y/n was so sure she would be there, she promised! but why did she forget? or did she just didn't want to be there at all? chaehyun just couldn't understand.

"what the fuck are you even saying chaehyun?! are you even in the right state of your mind!?" y/n yelled back, and that was enough for chaehyun to snap and slap y/n in the face, causing y/n to feel a sting in her cheek that made her hiss, looking away with a grunt. "you know what choi y/n? maybe you're better off without me!" chaehyun said for the last time before walking out of the apartment, leaving y/n not being able to understand what she did wrong. placing both hands to her head she yelled, before throwing herself to the couch, breathing heavily. after a short moment, a text message reached her.

dayeonn

y/n what the hell?

we all thought you were gonna
attend the ceremony?

you promised right? what
happened!?

reading the message made y/n wanna pull her hair out, still not understanding what happened, did she really forgot? there was no way she would! this whole thing is starting fuck her up and her relationship, this wasn't like this before everything was so much better.

"what the fuck is happening to me?" y/n asked herself while she sobbed, feeling the hot tears dwell in her eyes and fall to her face.

y/n just got out of the clinic, feeling like shit. she stood there in the middle of a snow storm, not caring about the weather that could potentially kill her. y/n brushed her hand to her face, trying to wake herself up from the nightmare that today is. she hates trying to recall everything, from the day she started losing memories to the day she almost died from a car accident. all she wanted right now is to see chaehyun again, maybe that was too much? remembering that she had a brother to meet at their house, y/n decided to wait for a bus to go home.

"how's the therapy y/n? is it going well? i was very worried you might take too long and wanted to come with you but i had to go to work." soobin, y/n's older brother said as he opened the door for his sister, y/n shivered because of the weather, her puffer coat wasn't enough to protect her from the harsh breeze of the winter. "it's okay, the therapy went good and it was just really cold outside." y/n responded, taking a seat at the couch, her arms wrapped around herself. "you're right, as expected from dr. miyawaki sakura. and i opened the air conditioner to make the living room warmer, just adjust it however you want." soobin placed the remote of the air conditioner on the table in front of y/n, making his way to prepare dinner for the two of them. y/n watches attentively how her brother moved, how he spoke and how he handled things, wished she was the same. there are things he hid as well, but he was very transparent. although, their age difference is only 1 year, it feels like they're very far from each other, the levels of maturity, y/n still has a long way to go.

"where do you think chaehyun is at now?" y/n asked, her bangs curtained her eyes, strands poked her eyeballs, though she did nothing about it. soobin stopped from whatever he's doing and looked back at his sister then back to the floor, finding the right answers.

"who knows? i haven't heard anything from her for a long time."

y/n sat there at the couch, lost in her thoughts, staring at nothing. she tried to pry over her memories of the people around her and chaehyun, she closed her eyes and leaned back on the couch.

"chae, look at here." the camera zooms in to chaehyun's hair, black strands of her hair falls on her face, it draped around her shoulders perfectly. chaehyun looked up from her laptop and smiled at the camera. "hi there." chaehyun giggled. bahiyyih— yeah, bahiyyih leaned in on chaehyun's shoulder to be a part of the frame, smiling widely to the camera. "hi there too!"

"hiyyih? i didn't notice you, thought you were with your brother." chaehyun said, looking at bahiyyih who shrugged and laughed. "well, i was but he left with y/n's brother." she answered and looked at the person behind the camera, y/n. "kai... and soobin?" her voice was heard. "yes, totally left me behind!" bahiyyih pouted, chaehyun chuckled at the face of the younger girl, before embracing her in a hug. "you can stay with us!"

y/n opened her eyes to be met with the bright ceiling, the light almost blinding her. y/n blinked, one— more than once, trying to regain her consciousness. y/n looked to the side and saw she was still in the same position, her older brother is still in the dining hall. "how about bahiyyih?" y/n asked, soobin walked towards y/n with a bowl of ramen. "sorry that's all i can make— bahiyyih's doing amazing, she just graduated. on the other hand, she has never mentioned chaehyun at all when talking to us." soobin placed chopsticks and a spoon down too. "it's alright. i just want to see her again, that's all." y/n muttered, staring at the bowl.

"you can after you've finally recovered." soobin replied.

that'll take a very long time. y/n knows it herself yet, she still wanted to ask.

"how long will it take?"

soobin stared at his sister, taking a deep breath before shifting his site somewhere else. "long, but i believe you can recover as soon as possible right?" y/n shook her head, that's not possible, when she doesn't even know where chaehyun is.

"unnie, this isn't meant to be against you or anything but— wouldn't you want to see y/n again? or just see if she's doing well?" bahiyyih sat beside her friend, looking at her with a small tint of hope in her eyes. chaehyun looked at bahiyyih, her eyes showing a hint of hesitance, fear and anxiety. "hiyyih, i don't really know about that. she's recovered from the coma but i don't know if i can see her without— crying. it's my fault." "no it's not! no one wanted this to happen, all i want is that you check on her just to make you feel less scared, she's also been wondering about you too." bahiyyih explained. chaehyun looked away from bahiyyih's eyes and thought about the options.

"i'll try."

"hueka." bahiyyih called to her brother who turned around with soobin, soobin's smile fell when she saw chaehyun. "oh." he muttered. "hiyyih! and chaehyun, how are you?" kai looked at chaehyun, a smile on his sweet face, just like an angel he greeted the girl. chaehyun felt guilty, she looked down and bowed. "i'm so sorry for everything!" chaehyun bowed, bending down as she can, to show how sorry she was for everything that had happened, soobin is usually very petty, keeping loath towards someone who had done him wrong, but he can't even be mad at chaehyun. soobin shook his head. "no it's okay, don't push yourself too much. it's not your fault." he said.

chaehyun can't even believe those words. chaehyun looked up at soobin almost feeling the tears form in her eyes.

y/n hated every single second inside a vehicle, it brought her back to those moments when she almost felt like she wouldn't wake up anymore, it was scary— just the thought of dying while the pieces of her heart that broke apart are still not intact, like she just couldn't bare dying without a word to chaehyun. she took a deep breath, another session on the clinic just finished, she hoped the memories be a little nicer toward her. when she arrived home, she opened the door lazily, expected to be greeted by her brother once again but saw no one by the doorway. y/n walked inside and reached the living room to see chaehyun, bahiyyih, kai and her brother soobin.

"y/n, you're here already." soobin stood up, walking towards his sister and placed a hand on her shoulder, chaehyun turned to look at y/n, who just stared at her, lifelessly. "y/n..." chaehyun stood up, her bottom lip quivering. she walked, so slow, like every step mattered to her, like every step is a risk she needed to take. y/n was stuck there, her heart racing. chaehyun started crying, the tears continued to flow to her face and it kept falling to the floor like a rain. chaehyun carefully placed her hands on y/n's shoulders, it kept shaking as her fingers touched the fabric of y/n's clothes. "y/n... i'm sorry." chaehyun muttered through her shaking lips. chaehyun looked at y/n before leaning her head on y/n's shoulder, her wet facing touching y/n's shoulder. y/n looked at the poor girl, feeling her head swirl with thoughts, her heart sank, it felt heavy. "chae, why are you here?" y/n whispered. "i'm so sorry for everything i've done, this is all my fault."

y/n places a hand on chaehyun's back, caressing to soothe her. for a moment, even with the faint memories she had of chaehyun and each other, she had nothing to say, her lips felt dry. "i'm so sorry too, for bringing you in this mess. i hope your doing better now." y/n managed to say, through the lump that is forming in her throat. "can't— i can't do anything without thinking of you." chaehyun whispered, sobbing harshly.

it's not that she cheated,

it's not that she fell out of love.

it's just that— she forgot.

there's a broken part of them they needed to fix, instead of one trying to out things back together— maybe they should do it together; you cannot fix something when you're broken.