In The Mind (Klavier Gavin x Depressed! Reader)

Requested by ShadowRifter

A/N: Mentions of depression, negative thoughts, etc!

Your POV:

I sat in the bedroom, staring up at the ceiling. Klavier was out songwriting with the band, so I was alone. I sighed and rolled over onto my side. My gaze fell to my bedside table. The top was bare, but I knew what the drawer contained.

Bottles of Prozac, Xanax, and countless other brands of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds filled it.

Nothing ever worked or made things any better. All they did was turn everything into a haze that I could barely remember at the end of the day.

The band had a concert coming up and Klavier and I were supposed to write a song to sing together, but I just had no motivation to do so.

I grabbed the notepad and pen from the pillow next to me and flipped to an empty page.

"Hm..."

...

A few hours later, I heard the front door open and close. I hadn't wrote many lyrics, just lines and phrases. I quickly covered the page and turned on the TV as I tried to smooth out the wrinkles on my clothes.

Klavier entered the room a few minutes later, a beautiful smile on his face. He sat on the edge of the bed. "Are you feeling any better, fraulein?" I looked at him. "A little. How was the session?" He huffed. "It was a hot mess. We barely got anything done. What about you?" I glanced at the notepad and then back to him, before handing over the notepad.

He flipped to the page I was writing on. I watched him silently, waiting for the bad, judgmental reaction. Once he was finished, he spoke.

"This is amazing, fraulein! There's such a deep meaning, but you've put it to a rap."

I shook my head. "It's nothing, Klavier. It's just..." He continued for me. "How you feel? I already know. Ever since we've met, I've always felt that you were sad in a way. But you never expressed it." He grabbed one of my hands. "No. You smiled, you laughed, like that sadness was nothing but a mirage. Like the pills in the drawer meant nothing to you."

I tensed. "Y-You...knew?" He nodded. "I always knew. But I want to help you. I want to see you smile a genuine smile and laugh so loud that it rings it my ears like the screams of our fans." I sighed. "But how? I know that I need help, but no one can help me." Klavier smiled. "Because I'll be here to get you through it. Why don't we start with these wonderful ideas of your's?"

"...Okay."

...

It was a month later when I found myself waiting in the wings with Klavier. We had finished the song and were performing it tonight. As I tugged at my clothes, Klavier grabbed my hands. "Everything will be alright, fraulein. I promise."

The stage lights dimmed and we made our way onto the stage. Once we got into our places, the music began and the stage lit up. The fans' screams filled my ears as I put on my performer's smile. Klavier started to sing.

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed! Get along with the voices inside of my head! You're trying to save me? Stop holding your breath! And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy!"

His voice faded out and I took a deep breath. Then, I let it out.

"I wanted the fame, but not the cover of Newsweek. Oh, well, guess beggars can't be choosey. Wanted to receive attention for my music. Wanted to be left alone in public. Excuse me for wanting my cake and to eat it too, and wanting it both ways!"

The crowd's eyes fell to me as they cheered and screamed. From the corner of my eye, I could see Klavier smiling. And I couldn't tell if it was from the anxiety or adrenaline, but I was shaking.

"Fame made me a balloon 'cause my ego inflated! When I blew; see, but it was confusing! 'Cause all I wanted to do is be the Bruce Lee of loose leaf! Abused ink, used it as a tool when I blew steam! (wooh!) Hit the lottery, oh wee! But with what I gave up to get it was bittersweet! It was like winning a used mink!"

Saying all of this out loud was slowly taking away the weight on my chest. I felt like I could finally breath without hyperventilating.

"Ironic 'cause I think I'm getting so huge I need a shrink! I'm beginning to lose sleep: one sheep, two sheep! Going cuckoo and cooky as Kool Keith but I'm actually weirder than you think 'cause I'm-!"

I smiled as Klavier sang again. I never got tired of his voice. It was smooth, yet a bit raspy. He seemed to be enjoying himself and the band seemed to feel the same.

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed! Get along with the voices inside of my head! You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath! And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy! Well, that's nothing! Well, that's nothing!"

The music rang out crisp and clear in the cold night air but I loved in. I was lost in the moment, but standing in the present. It was amazing.

"Now, I ain't much of a poet but I know somebody once told me to seize the moment and don't squander it! 'Cause you never know when it all could be over tomorrow! So I keep conjuring, sometimes I wonder where these thoughts spawn from...! (Yeah, pondering'll do you wonders.
No wonder you're losing your mind the way it wanders.)"

"Yoda-loda-le-hee-hoo! I think it went wandering off down yonder and stumbled on 'ta Jeff VanVonderen! 'Cause I need an interventionist to intervene between me and this monster! And save me from myself and all this conflict! 'Cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it!"

My gaze fell to Klavier as I felt tears prick my eyes. But they weren't sad tears. Not this time.

"My OCD's conking me in the head! Keep knocking, nobody's home, I'm sleepwalking. I'm just relaying what the voice in my head's saying 'Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just friends with the'-"

I could remember the days when I did nothing but shut everyone out. When I pretended to be someone I wasn't. When I wasn't truly happy.

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed! Get along with the voices inside of my head! You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath! And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy! Well, that's nothing! Well, that's nothing!"

Klavier's voice snapped me out of my stupor and I quickly started the end of the song, giving it my all.

"Call me crazy but I have this vision: One day that I'd walk amongst you a regular civilian! But until then drums get killed and I'm coming straight at
MCs! blood get spilled and I'll take you back to the days that I'd get on a Klav track! Give every kid who got played that, pumped up feeling and shit to say back! To the kids who played him, I ain't here to save the f*cking children! But if one kid out of a hundred million who are going through a struggle feels it and then relates, that's great!"

"It's payback, Russell Wilson falling way back! In the draft, turn nothing into something, still can make that dtraw into gold chump, I will spin Rumpelstiltskin in a haystack! Maybe I need a straightjacket, face facts! I am nuts for real, but I'm okay with that! It's nothing, I'm still friends with the-"

I tried to catch my breath as the lights moved and gleamed overhead. Klavier hit the notes on his guitar as he carried out the final verses.

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed! Get along with the voices inside of my head! You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath! And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy!"

"I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed! Get along with the voices inside of my head! You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath! And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy! Well, that's nothing! Well, that's nothing!"

The lights dimmed and the crowd roared as we made our way offstage and took off our headsets. I ran into Klavier's arms and he hugged me. "I knew you could do it, fraulein!" I squealed as he picked me up and spun my around. Then, for the first time in a long time, I let out a smile and a laugh.

"K-Klavier!"

He set me down. "There's that gorgeous smile and laugh of yours! Oh, how I've missed it!" He gently cupped my face and kissed me. After a few seconds, he pulled away.

"I love you, (Y/n)."

"I love you too, Klavier."