"I keep my head high.... I got my wings to carry me.... I don't know freedom...."

My phone rings and I fumble in the dark for my phone, struggling in my half asleep state. My phone screen assaults me with light, and I cringe away from the brightness.

NAPKIN GIRL

"Hello?" I groan in a sleep laden voice.

"Hi. Were you sleep?"

I check the clock. 2:30 am, "What else the hell would I be doing this time in the morning?"

"Sorry," she apologizes, "I just wanted to hear your voice. I'm okay now. I didn't want to bother you."

I sit up, "No it's fine. I didn't mean to sound like such an ass. I'm sorry."

"I just needed to know.... Never mind."

And just like that--- she's gone.

I can't go back to sleep after Layne's call so I wake up and get ready, showering and getting dressed.

"Baby girl?" my dad finds me in the kitchen, working on two minutes of sleep and a pot of coffee, "I thought I heard you up."

"Just getting some homework done."

"How's school going for you?"

"It's going," I reply vaguely.

He nods, "Have you gotten to know the neighbors? I met the mom and they seem like a nice little white family."

"I go to school with the daughter," I say. Not mentioned: Her being in love with me.

"That's nice," he changes the subject, "How's college looking?"

I'm reminded of Dr. Harvey and I's conversation. Fuck. "I have a few picked out," I lie, if only to save face.

"Well let me know," he takes his coffee and exits the kitchens, leaving me to finish my work in silence.

Before I leave the house I toss two energy drinks in the bag just in case.

"You look like you're in mourning," Beck immediately states, over looking my outfit. Black basketball shorts and a black long sleeve.

"RIP to the sleep I didn't get," I respond, heading to Bread Co. for breakfast.

"Why are you like this?" he mumbles, resting his face in his palm, "All these gay friends you have and yet still you dress like this?"

"It was a long night," I sigh, "Give me a break."

I manage through the day without passing out and leave at lunch to get Layne. She slides into my car in pajama pants and a hoodie. In all honesty, she looks wrecked.

"You good?" I question, heading to NCT. She nods.

"Did you eat anything today?" I can tell something isn't right about her.

She shakes her head again, "Not hungry."

"Not what I asked," we stop for Chik Fil A and I force her to eat a chicken strip before unlocking the doors in the lot to let her out. She does so begrudgingly.

"Happy?"

"So happy," I mumble dryly. We get out and she heads to class, walking noticeably faster than me.

When I get to class I change and take my seat. Layne sits down as well, somehow managing to even make her chef jacket look sloppy.

"What did you do to her?" The Sociopath whispers in my ear, "She looks horrible."

"What makes you think I did something? If anything I'm trying to help," I respond, "Mind yo business."

She goes back to listening to the lecture and so do I, only occasionally looking at Layne.

Recently she was being kind of trash to me, but I still cared about her... as a friend.

Graves hands out recipes and we head into the kitchen. Vegetable soup. The lab wasn't really based on the soup, but rather the ability to perform knifes cuts.

It's an easy enough lab once everything is chopped it's just throwing everything in a pot and letting it cook. I take the opportunity to clean up my station and then harass everybody else in the kitchen. I purposely avoid the entirety of the Sociopath's station. Even though she sat next to me, I still didn't trust myself alone with her. Or talking to her. Or being in a more than five foot radius of her.

"KJ!" I hear my name and turn in the direction of it. Sociopath waves me over and I feel an unseen hand grip my heart, stopping it.

"What's up?" I ask. Oh, what? No I'm not dying inside. Never. It isn't like you raise my anxiety through the roof.

She touches my arm and I shrug it off, "Do you think this is seasoned well?"

"Why are you asking me?" I glance at her best friend, who's also hella suspect by associating, "Whole station around you."

"I know you're good at it."

"At what? Tasting?"

"You're so silly," she smiles and the grip on my heart reaches for my lungs, "Just taste it."

She attempts to feed me but I take the spoon from her, "It's good."

She leans in close and whispers, "I spit in it. That's the closest you'll ever get to me kissing you."

My face heats but I remain composed, "Welp. That's my queue to be somewhere the hell else."

She giggles and I head back to my station, remaining there until the end of the lab.

Class ends and I head to my car, Layne trailing behind me, her mood still not increased. We drive home in silence-- one of us fucked up, one of us shut down.

****

"Why don't you love me anymore?"

"I never loved you."

"Are you serious?"

"I swear it."

*****

I sit up in bed, the same familiar twang striking in my chest. The brush in front of my window scraps at the screen, emitting a calming sound. I glance at the clock. Four in the morning on a Friday. Good thing I have the closing shift at work tonight.

I pad across the house to the kitchen, downing a cold glass of water before refilling it and returning to my room. I didn't even like her tho. I swear it.

Cutting on my desk lamp, I open up my laptop, softly playing some tracks off my playlist entitled "For the Bullshit."

I lean my head back and I let the words radiate through me, feeling the anger in different artists songs and lyrics.

Tap!

I jump at the sound on my window, almost falling out of my chair. There's another tap and I slowly move towards my window, sliding the curtain back just enough.

"Shit!" I fall back, Layne's face appearing in front of mine. I open my window, chilly autumn air sliding in with her.

"Layne, what the fuck?" I whisper hiss, "How long have you been out there?"

"Probably an hour. You're a heavy sleeper aren't you?"

"No," I help her up, "It's not every day though random bitches crawl through my window four in the morning. It's not necessarily something I look out for." I close the window, rubbing to cold off my arms, "What do you need?"

She pauses, trembling before tightly wrapping her arms around me. And then she starts crying. Welp.

I stand awkwardly in her arms, unsure what to do. Everyone who knows me knows I never know what to do when someone cries. Shiiiittt... I don't know what to do when I cry. It's just one of those things that I get weird about. Honestly, the fact that I hate tears is my driving reason for being so sarcastic and goofy all the time. I don't handle heavy subjects well, I swear it.

We stand in silence as she shakes in my arms and I try not to think about how it good she feels in my arms. How well she fits in them. How I like the fact that I was the person she thought to come to in this time of hurting. But I don't like girls I swear it. My playlist continues in the background.

Wae naega? Wae naega? Wae naega? Wae naega? Translation: Why me?

After about ten minutes she lets me go, "I'm sorry I got your shirt wet." I look down at the eyeliner stained mess on my tee.

"It's cool," I pull if off and grab another tee from my pajama drawer, "I only kind of hand painted that shirt. It's only sort of one of a kind."

She stretches out on my bed and I gingerly sit on the edge of it, suddenly very awkward, although this is my house and my room. I also try to ignore the fact that she just saw me shirtless, and a part of me didn't mind at all, even though I try to remain a very modest person.

"So do you want to talk or... Something?" I offer. She rolls her head in my direction.

"My mother is dying."

I flinch at her blunt admission, the content already striking a nerve. I sit in silence, my own experiences bringing back unwanted memories. Death was one of the biggest pieces of unavoidable bullshit ever. I swear it.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" she looks at me expectantly.

I turn to her, "Why'd you come here?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why'd you come to me? Can't you talk to Dil or someone about this? Why are you in my room four in the morning?"

She sits up, "If I'm being such a bother right now why haven't you asked me to leave yet?"

I stop. Got me there.

"Right," Layne states, realizing she's beat me, "Can you hold me? I'm not done crying."

I don't move. Hell yeah I want to hold her. But hell no I do not want to hold her. That could bring in some unwanted bullshit. She sighs and grabs hold of my arm, pulling me down until I'm lying next to her.

"Holding me won't make you gay, KJ. It isn't like my lesbian will rub off on you," she whispers, "It makes you a good friend. Swear it."

I exhale and wrap my arms around her and she positions herself, her head resting on my chest, our legs intertwined, "So you listen to M.A.P6 too?"

"Yeah."

The song finishes and we let the playlist continue, talking about music until the sun comes up, ignoring the reason she came over in the first place.

***

My alarm sounds notifying me that it's seven o'clock, and I should've been up an hour ago. Shit!

Layne isn't wrapped around me anymore, but is still in my bed.

"Hey," I shove her, harder than intended, "Shouldn't you be heading home?"

She stirs and looks at me, "You sound very cute when you're tired."

"Why are you still in my house?"

She sits up and stretches, "You low-key don't want me to leave, is why." She stands up and pries open my window, "Too bad I have to other hoes to visit."

Ducking slightly to effectively slide out of my window, she turns and blows me a kiss before heading home. I close the window myself, my room feeling empty with out her presence.

With Layne gone I quickly but sloppily dress in t-shirts and jeans before hurrying to my car, which Beck is balanced on my hood. I unlock the car and he gets in and we gun it to school. Nat has us covered for breakfast today, and we sit in the back of my pickup to eat it.

Beck clears his throat, "So I was waiting for you to mention it, but who the fuck was crawling out your window this morning?"

"Bitch what?" Nat's head snaps towards me.

"It wasn't what it looked like," I jump to my own defense, "But it's none of your business."

"Was it Napkin Girl?"

"Bitch you fucked Napkin Girl?"

"It wasn't her," I lie, which they catch immediately.

"Wait how was it?"

"There was no it!" I try not to yell, "We slept together. That's it. Like actual sleep."

"God you're so boring," Nat exasperates, "Even when you do something interesting you're boring."

"Leave me alone," I groan, "Let me live my boring, vanilla life. Besides, fucking her would've so gone against Operation Slay."

Beck and Nat look at each other and then back at me, "Whatever, KJ."

We finish breakfast and head into the school. All day I think about Layne's surprise visit and the upsetting news she left me with. My mother is dying.

I hadn't know the Sinclairs for long, but I did know that from my brief interactions that Ms. Cassie does not deserve to die. And if I was only going on how thin she was and her bandannas, I could make a few good assumptions on what she was dying of--- and not a one was good.

"Ms. Parker?" I jump, turning to see Dr. Harvey, "A moment."

I check the time, "Umm... I actually have about five more minutes before I can do that. School starts at 8:15."

"And detention starts at 3:15-- If that's the game we're playing," she folds her arms.

"I hop out of my truck, landing and following her into the building and down to her office. "I thought I made myself clear when I said I wanted you to start taking your future seriously?"

"You did," I nod, "I'm just really bad at following directions."

We enter her office and I take a seat, kicking my feet up in the remaining chair.

"KJ, I care about you," she softens her tone, "I want you to succeed. Is there something going on at home? At school? At NCT that you're not telling me about?"

"No," I shrug, "Just me being you're typical under achiever."

She's not amused. She pulls out one of the school laptops, already filled out with my student account.

"You'll stay here until you have your schools picked out. Two at home and three out of state schools. Got it? Got it. Good."