I park my truck and head inside, wishing my day was over, and knowing that it's not. Once again I find myself with my laptop, perch on my bed, the same question posed to me. I glance at the clock checking the time. Two in the morning. Getting my shit together was keeping me up longer than being a complete mess.

In my short life I have experienced many hardships. In the third grade, I struggled to learn how to ride a big girl bike. Even before, in kindergarten, I was slow learning how to tie my shoes...

I delete everything.

At only seventeen, there have been several challenges which I have faced. Often times, alone....

No. I clear the text box again.

When I was younger...

"Hey," Layne manifests in my room, sitting behind me.

"I thought you were mad at me?" I don't look up, so in grossed in my writing, I didn't hear her come in.  She kisses my cheek, trailing her lips down my neck.

"I was... But you're worth forgiving," She wraps her arms around my middle, her legs to either side of me. "What are you working on?"

I shutter, exhaling a shaky breath, "I'm trying to complete an essay I don't want to do to get into colleges I don't want to go to," I explain with a venomous tongue.

"You sound stressed," she closes my laptop, putting it to the side and replacing its presence in my lap. She kisses me, but I can't focus on her. Not after the day I've had.

"Stop," I mumble weakly. She kisses me again and this time I pull away, "Layne. I'm not in the mood."

"Fine," She stops and drapes her arms around my neck, "What's your paper supposed to be about?"

I grab my laptop, booting it back up, "It's supposed to be about how I've overcome and what not but nothing I type sounds like me."

"Its the common essay," she explains, "There are thousands of kids lying their asses off right now."

"I know," I stand and put my laptop back on my desk, "But don't you ever feel like your world is about to crumble around you?" I question, falling back onto the bed, "Like things are spinning to fast for you to stop?"

"No," she jokes, "Me, with the dying brother and closeted girlfriend, feel like I have all the power in the world."

I roll away from her, "You know what, Layne? Fuck off."

"I'm sorry," she apologizes, pulling me close again, "I know what you're talking about though. What don't you feel you have control over?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I retreat, deciding to keep my feelings to myself.

"KJ---"

"I said I don't want to talk about it," I repeat. I reach over, cutting off my bed side lamp, plunging the room into darkness.

Silence settles over us, both of us lost in our thoughts. I try to get mine to settle down, focusing less on my self and more on her body pressed against mine. I count her breaths in my head, listening for the slow inhale and exhale. In.... Out.... In.... Out.... Dr. Harvey calls it a grounding exercise, but I don't feel like I can count it if I can only base it off of someone else. If she's breathing, than I have to be too, which means I'm alive. And if I'm alive, I'm a little bit closer to "I'll live." It doesn't make total sense to anyone else, but it helps me, I swear it. In.... Out.... In.... Out....

"KJ?"

"Hm?" I'm pulled from my thoughts.

"Can you tell me a bedtime story?"

I try to think of one, landing on, "Once upon a time---"

"I'm not gonna like that one," she interrupts, "Pick another one."

"You don't know what I was gonna say!" I protest.

"I didn't have to," she teases, "Start again."

"Fine," I exhale, "So back in the way back, there was a king and a queen. They were scared what would happen to their kingdom, so they took their heir to the throne, their daughter, to a witch doctor. There, the princess was cursed with immortality. Eventually the queen died, and the princess was left in charge. Only, the princess didn't want to rule the kingdom. And she certainly didn't want to live forever. So she spent years of her life trying to find a method to die."

"But one day, her father, the king, needed her. The kingdom needed her. It was time for her to take the throne. And she realized that in the midst of her wanting to die, there was an entire group of people counting on her that she was neglecting."

My eyes start to water and I flip so that my head is on her stomach. She says nothing as I let the tears run from my eyes and be caught by her shirt.

"And now that their were so many people counting on her, she had to really start caring about being alive. But for so long she hadn't considered it. She'd spent so much time trying to die, she never bothered trying to live. But of course that's obscure. Who doesn't want to be alive? The town people couldn't understand how she'd spent all the time she should've used on her princess studies trying to figure out how to die."

"KJ...." Layne whispers, "Who's the princess in this story?"

I don't say anything and she tries again. "How does this story end?"

"I don't know," I sob. She instinctively pulls me even tighter, trying to hold me together as I fall apart, "I don't know I don't know Idon'tknow...."

"Sssshhhhh.... " she comforts me, "I don't know where your minds at right now... But I think your life is worth being alive." I continue to cry quietly, infrequent sobs shaking me as I try to hold them in.

***

My alarm sounds and I fumble for it in the dark before reaching for my light. As I sit up, I marvel at the tears stains on Layne's shirt, and I muster an ironic chuckle. She looks down and back at me, smiling, "Lucky you, you finally got to ruin one of my shirts."

"It's about time," I kiss her and she smiles against my lips, which is probably my favorite part of kissing her. I gain access to her mouth and our kiss deepens, me falling into her. A thought hits and I pull away.

"What?" she gives me a concerned look, her eyes searching mine.

"I haven't been scared to lose someone since my mom," I pause, "Until you."

"Cute," she smiles, "Too bad I'm not leaving. Ever. You're stuck with me."

She engulfs me in a hug and for a moment I consider never leaving, and just staying here with her. All day. In our own world.

"I have school," I remind myself more than her, and she releases me. I get up and actually bother with grabbing something out of the closet, rather than just off the floor. I make a mental note to clean my room later, something I don't normally think to do. Armed with a clean shirt and pair of jeans I turn back to Layne, "You're still here?"

"I was waiting for you to change," she sounds to innocent, that I almost could believe that myself. Except I don't.

"No ma'am," I direct her to the window, "Same rules apply." The last thing I need is Beck catching Layne leaving. Again.

"Really?" she gets up, "Can I have a goodbye kiss?"

I kiss her and she finally leaves me to get ready.

I grab a quick shower and get dressed, feeling refreshed.

I roll up to Beck's apartment, waiting outside. With daylight savings having long past, the sun was just beginning to rise. I lose myself watching the cloudy November sky blending with the illuminated skyline.

The door slamming jars me back to reality. "Okay bitch we're getting punctual now?" Beck joins me.

"Gotta mix it up sometimes," I joke back. I wait for him to buckle up before pulling off.

"Or maybe you're just on time cause we're not actually going to school yet?" He ponders.

"Could be," I shrug, smiling to myself.

We pull up to the same IHOP where I admitted my feelings for Layne to Nat. It felt like so long ago, when really it had just been weeks.

We get seated and Nat strolls in five minutes behind us. "Hey."

Our waiter drops carafe at our table and I reach for it first, pouring myself a mug, "How are my two best friends?"

"Neglected," Nat hands me her mug and I fill it.

"Same," I fill Beck's cup as well, "You still owe us a hang out from last time."

("Are you mad at me?")

The memory is jarred from the corner of my mind and I shove it back. How quickly she went over the edge. I shake it off.

"Well I'm here now," I smile, "You guys really need to stop living in the past."

"Okay wow," Nat laughs, "A bitch starts getting pussy and all of a sudden she thinks she's a philosopher."

Beck hits me, "NO! WAY!"

"Stop!" I try to get him to quiet down. He grabs my arm, shaking it excitedly, "You and Layne---"

"Calm down damn!" I pull away from her, "I wasn't even this damn happy when it happened."

He clears his throat, "Sorry. I'm just happy for you."

"It was just sex," I change the subject, "And I'd prefer to talk about something that's not my sex life."

"Fine. Then we can talk about how Beck owes me twenty dollars now," Nat jokes, "I bet that y'all would be together before Thanksgiving. Beck gave y'all until Christmas."

The topic shifts off from me and I fade into the background, letting my mind return to Layne. Holding onto her last night. Roses and sweetness. Her soft hands. Her steady breathing.

"Are you ready, KJ?"

Before I know it the meal is over and I'm driving us to school. School flies by as well, seeing I only have one class due to the delayed start. 

Time doesn't slow down again until I'm with her again. I wait for her, leaning outside of my truck, unbothered by the cold autumn air. A breeze rustles through the trees, a chill rushing up my spine.

"Hey!" Layne practically skips out the house, launching into my arms.

"Hey," I catch her, holding her close. She lets me go and I open the passenger door for her, circling around to my own side.

"You're in a good mood," I comment, putting the car in drive.

"Yep," she grabs my hand, "Cause I figured it out."

I smirk, "What's that?"

"I'm going to get you into college," she replies, "And you're gonna get me into architecture school."

I chuckle, thinking that she's kidding.

"I'm serious," she continues. We arrive at a stoplight and she turns to me, "Kaylie Jane, I've been homeschooled all of high school. I'm from buttfuck nowhere Missouri. Nobody, is banking on me going to college. Nobody is banking on you going to college. If we root for each other I think that we can prove everyone else wrong."

The light changes and I continue our drive.

"Kaylie Jane," her voice chases down my attention, tackling it to the ground, "Promise me you'll try."

"I'll try," I intertwine our hands so that we've locked pinkies, "I swear it."

She seals our pact with a kiss. When she pulls away, she's smiling again. Crazy how I've told Dr. Harvey all semester I was going to take college seriously.

Yet right here, this is the first time I ever meant it.