"okay baby bro, now we have to be real quiet-"

"Why Daddy sweeping in da' office Snas?" asked Papyrus clutching his brother's hoodie. "Don't he gots a big people's bed?"

"ssshhhh, we gotta be quiet i said!" replied Sans, glaring down at his younger brother.

Does he even KNOW how to be quiet?

"Don't shush me muder fucker, I bake dis bottle and cut you wit da' broken pieces-"

"do you wanna stay home or do you wanna go to the diaper derby? cause' i'm not dealing with your crap today, papyrus."

"Daaaamn, I's just kidding big Buther, this bottle be pastic-"

"*Snort* Hm, mm..?"

Sans covered his brother's mouth and held his breath fearfully as Gaster stirred in his sleep slightly. The royal scientist made a few noises, but luckily he didn't seem to do anything more.

If Dad catches us, he'll put me in stasis for a WEEK!

Even if Pap bails me out, I'll still lose my books and get a skull-full of lectures.

"i'm not gonna tell you again bro, be quiet until we get outside."

"Kay'." Papyrus stuck his hand into the comedian's hoodie and pulled out his pacifier, promptly stuffing it into his APPARENTLY loud mouth, frowning at the wall across from him.

His older brother needed to look up the word "Pacifier" in the dictionary it seemed.

"Zzzzz..."

Taking a deep breath, Sans picked up the baby bones and dashed for the exit, wishing his tiny load were strong enough to walk.

If Papyrus's ectoplasm were strong enough we could just meet up at the derby later, but...

Although Papyrus had his wingding's, using them made the baby bones tired after awhile and they were slow. It didn't help that the derby was all the way in Snowdin either...

Pappy gets tired these days just from his crawling practice, there's no way he can do the race after carrying himself such a long way.

The skeletal child sighed in relief once they were outside the lab, smiling down at his baby brother proudly. "we made it pap!"

"*POMP!* Yay," said the baby unenthusiasticly, popping his pacifier back in his mouth.

"*sigh* look, i'm sorry i wasn't too nice back there. i just didn't want to get caught-"

"Why we no teleport then? Why we sneak like Solid Snake?"

God, he is always interrupting me.

"cause' it would scare the other babies if i just appeared out of nowhere, we don't want to get in trouble with the judges. people already don't like you, they may not even let us enter."

"Then blow them."

"wh-what?"

"Blow them all up to Jesus! Then Jesus can teach them how to treat sweet babies such as myselves."

Oh, that's what he meant.

"iiiii don't think that'll work lil' bro," chuckled Sans.

"He will teach them da' error of their ways big Buther," said Papyrus smiling at nothing.

"i'm sure he would, but then who would judge you down here?"

"Is a race."

"yeah, but they also judge you on your-oh..oh shit..."

I forgot to make bro a diaper!

"Is okay Snas, baby got dis," said Papyrus smacking his rear several times. There was a scrunchy sound, as if he were wearing a diaper.

"where the HELL did you find a diaper?! it wasn't from the dump was it?!"

Oh god...

"No stink head, those gots doody in them. I puts pastic bags in my jammies-"

"they're gonna wanna SEE your diaper though bro so they can judge which one looks better."

"Daz nasty," said Papyrus scrunching up his face the best a skelly baby could. "If they wanna see baby butt, they can go finds Honey Boo Boo, baby don't pay dat."

"they just want to see the patterns on the diapers pap, they-they aren't being perverts," said Sans pinching the space between his eyes.

Who the hell is Honey Boo Boo?

"If they ask to see the pattern, I do dis," Papyrus stuck up his middle finger. "Dis what the pattern look like, dis right here," said the baby bones smiling.

"...i don't think they'll find that as funny as you do bro."

"Nyeh heh hee hee hee!"

"Alright everyone, we need you to form two lines," shouted Asgore into a megaphone. 

"Is funny cause' I's a baby..."

"Those of you with infants that wear diapers please stand over here in line A and those who don't and/or can't wear them over there in line B, please make sure you register in the right line, thank you."

Despite the good news, Sans couldn't help but wince as the giant monster's voice boomed throughout the cavern. Seems he was saving the Underground's generator-powered electricity for more important gatherings. Not surprising as the comedian heard that they had run into a problem whilst mining magic crystals in the Old City, apparently they'd accidentally unearthed some poisonous gases beneath the mountain and it was not only making mining difficult, but also dangerous as it was spreading.

Rumor had it, the king was considering shutting down the mine entirely.

That sucks, we need those crystals to power the generators or we won't have any electricity. We don't have any wax for candles either...are we gonna have to use torches and carry them wherever we go?

"Wowie big Buther, dat's some good news if baby ever heard it!"

"hu-huh? sorry pap, what'd you say?"

"*Sigh* You gots to learn to focus Snas, we gots to get our heads in da' game or we's gonna lose ya' know?"

"really? and who's gonna beat the smartest baby in the underground? i bet half these little guys don't even know where they are, you're worrying too much-"

"Dat cock attitude gonna make us lose! Don't you remember there be a black baby here?! They good at da' athletics-"

"do NOT embarrass me today bro, i don't want to hear a thing about anyone's culture while we're here or i'll take you home."

"I's talking bout' DNA, stink head."

"well don't, let's just get in line and register without any problems, kay' kiddo?"

"Mnyeh!" Papyrus stuck his tongue out and put his pacifier back into his mouth smiling.

"OH MY GOOOOD! ARE WE SERIOUSLY JUST GETTING IN LINE?!"

Sans tilted his head from behind a monster in red, to see a large purple cat rolling his eyes whilst carrying a small, equally purple, kitten. Apparently the brothers weren't as late as Sans had originally thought...

"This is taking, like, FOREVER, man! We'd better win a good amount of money for this, I'm totally supposed to be manning the shop today," continued the cat, obviously not finished with his complaint.

"Mew!" The kitten in his arms piped up in agreement, though not entirely sure of what her father had just said.

"Awww! Look at da' kitty-baby Snas!" said Papyrus pointing ahead. "Is cuuuuute!"

The monster in the red dress turned around. "Psh! My girl's like, totally cuter, little dude," he said, pointing to the tiny alligator strapped to his chest.

The baby gator put her fist in her giant, sharp-toothed mouth, gurgling happily. "Acroo..."

"Um, ex-SCUSE you? Brah, my girl's got, like, the softest fur in the Underground."

Oh boy...

"Yeah? Well, mine's got a killer-DUUUUUDE! I totally didn't even SEE you in front of me!"

Huh?

Sans looked on in confusion as the two monsters smiled brightly and bumped fists in greeting. Apparently, although they were obviously friends, the two men hadn't noticed they were standing next to one another whilst in line.

"That's all thanks to my wicked ninja skillz, man. Watched like, seven thousand of that little nerd's "animoo" cartoon crap yesterday. She accidentally left em' while she was babysitting Catty."

The comedian frowned a bit.

Animoo? Does he mean anime?

Alphys watches anime...

"Yeah well, you know what they say..finders-"

"KEEPERS!"

The two laughed loudly, obviously not caring about whoever else was in line.

"um, excuse me...that 'nerd' you were talking about..that wouldn't happen to be alphys, would it?"

"Oh hey, dude, this kid knows Alphys! Yeah man, she babysits for me for like, NOTHING, she's so cool!"

Oh, he meant it in a good way.

That's good, it'd suck if Alph was helping out some thieving jerk or something.

"Hey brah, *pfft* why're you wearing a dress?"

I should probably tell her she left her videos over at this cat-guy's place..seeing as he probably won't say anything.

How cheap do you have to be to borrow stuff from your babysitter?

"I'm in disguise, dude. I'm actually supposed to be watching the shop today-"

"Oh my god, no WAY! ME TOO!!"

Sans winced a bit, "hey, uh, 'dudes..?' some of the babies here are nap-"

"Huh?"

"there's babies-"

"You gotta speak up, kid."

"What, are we, like, being too loud?"

Sans nodded meekly.

"What-EVER!" yelled Catty's father. "These babies need to wake up and get HYPED!" He put his daughter down and did some energetic squats to prove his point. "If ya' wanna be the best, you gotta like, get totally pumped up beforehand ya' know?"

"You're SO right! Here Bratty, lemme put you down so you can get your exercise on."

The monster in red took the little alligator out of her holder and sat her in the snow next to Catty, who had apparently decided to spend her warm up sniffing a few strands of grass she had found growing out of the otherwise frozen, earth.

"*sigh*"

These guys are reminding me WAAAYY too much of Happstablook...

"...Baby would likes to get his exercise on," said Papyrus quietly watching the other two enviously.

"you already got your exercise toda-"

"Holy crap! Dude, this baby talks!"

Oh my god, let ME talk!

"NO WAY! That's SOO rad! I bet its like, a super genius or something!!" exclaimed the cat, putting a hand over his mouth.

"Is too, I's the smartest, coolest bae in da' Underground!" said Papyrus proudly. "Yo' babies should just kit and go home-"

"AS IF!"

"YEAH! Don't you know cats are like, the FASTEST animals in the whole entire WORLD? Alphys said so."

"papyrus-"

"SO? Dat don't mean they's smart enough to know where they's going! I bet your dumb kitty-baby crawls towards the big person with the most food, cause' she chubby like Snas..."

"pap..!"

"OH MY GOD!!!"

"*GASP!*"

"DID HE JUST...?!"

"HEEE DID, BRAH!"

"OH, IT'S ON NOW! IT'S OOON NOW!!"

"why you gotta take your shirt off?"

"COME GET SOME THEN, STINK KITTY-DADDY!" yelled Papyrus playfully. "COME GET A PIECE OF DA' BABY, NYEH HEH HEH!"

"papyrus, no!"

Where's his pacifier go?!

"OH SNAP! OHHHH SNAP!"

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"

"*QEEP!*" Catty and Bratty jumped at the sound of Asgore's angry, booming voice behind them and immediately began bawling in terror.

"WAAAAHHHH!"

"NYEHHHHHAHHHHH!"

"Aww dude..."

Both parents scooped their children up into their arms and began to rock them back and forth.

"What's your problem, man?! You made my kid cry!" said Catty's father angrily.

"What's MY problem? I can hear all the way up-"

"You know there are like, other people in this line right?" Bratty's father didn't look too happy either. Sans shifted in place uncomfortably. He could almost feel the angry heat generating off of the three grown men in front of him, and as strange as it was..somehow it felt like he and his brother were being squished in the middle of all of it, even though they were behind everyone.

I want to go home.

"You're being sooo totally rude right now!"

"You-"

"Yeah, just cause' you're king, doesn't mean you can just, totally disrespect others, brah!"

"So true!"

I want to go back to sleep.

"Hey, when's the line gonna move anyway? Bratty and I are freezing our tails off!"

"Then you shouldn't be wearing a dre-WHY are you wearing a dress? And why is YOUR shirt off?! There are woman and CHILDREN here, show some dignity!"

"I'm in disguise, dude! My wife won't recognize me in this-"

"YOU'RE A GIANT LIZARD, and if your wife wanted to enter the Diaper Derby, SHE'D have your child, not you!"

"Brah, he's an alligator."

"No no no, see, I told her Bratty was missing. Now she's looking all over the place for her-"

"Wha-WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" asked Asgore, horrified.

"Oh my god, would you like, let me TALK for a second? Geeze..."

"It's so she wouldn't be at the shop right? Oh my god I like, did the SAME thing this morning!"

"*GASP* NO WAY!"

"I TOTALLY DID!"

The two men laughed hysterically while the king rubbed his face with both hands, already exhausted.

If there was anyone he despised being around, it was these two. They were loud, obnoxious, and had more complaints than he could count. They had a habit of working together to hatch get-rich-quick plans and unfortunately not only were they sometimes good, but he really couldn't blame them for trying either.

The Underground was accumulating more and more homeless and jobless people as the years went by. There simply wasn't enough resources to go around and with the mine having to close, life was only going to get harder..especially for those with children. More than a few monsters had already turned to thievery in order to survive, and it was particularly bad near where THESE two lived.

Still...entering your children in a race so you'll earn more money after betting AGAINST them?

My word...

Asgore was almost POSITIVE that's what they were doing, and worrying their wives made it TEN times worse.

"wow, you two are messed up."

"Yes, yes they are. Thank you Sans, I'm glad there's at least ONE person down here who hasn't smashed their moral compass to pieces."

"Dat kitty-baby cry like I do..."

"thanks, sir."

Such a polite young man.

"STOP COPYING ME, KITTY-BABY!"

"You're very welcome child, though I'm afraid you're in the wrong line. This area is for people planning to ENTER the race."

"i know! i'm entering my little bro actually. he's smart, but he's still a baby, so it should be legal right?"

"W-Well yes, but Sans, don't you think it's a bit..unfair for your brother to take part?"

"no, thanks for telling us about the table by the way! we got here pretty late, or at least i THOUGHT we did."

Polite and seven.

Very, very seven.

"Once again, you're welcome. I'm sorry to have frightened you, children."

"are you talking to us or them?" asked Sans looking towards the two still laughing parents.

"All of you."

"Dat's okay, you didn't scare THIS baby, Fluffy-Beard!" said Papyrus proudly pointing to himself.

"bro!"

"That's KING Fluffy-Beard, chil-I mean, baby."

"Oh yeah? Well dat's PAPYRUS to you, king Fluffy-Beard! Only da' hunnies can call baby baby."

"Oh dear, my mistake! Ho ho ho ho!"

Everyone aside from Sans, laughed at the infant's adorable retort, including the other babies, though they knew not what everyone else was laughing about. Afterwards, Asgore returned to the front of the line, grinning and having almost forgotten about asking the two shopkeepers to lower their voices.

Such wonderful children...

I hope they win.

"Oomph! Oh! Oh dear, please excuse m-"

"Where are they?!" Interrupted a certain irate monster.

"Pardon?"

"My SONS. Where are they?!"

"Ahh..I take it Sans and Papyrus aren't supposed to be out today?"

Gaster pushed past Asgore, FAR too impatient for pleasantries, manners, or even a proper answer.

Sans knows better.

He knows if Papyrus's ectoplasm is injured during this stage of life it'll be permanent and yet he enters him in a race, despite me forbidding anything strenuous.

"Enters him behind my BACK!"

25

"UGH!" The scientist cried out as he was hit and knocked to the ground. "WHO DID THAT?! WHO HAD THE GUMPTION TO ATTACK ME?!"

Looking up, he saw a small rabbit in a striped shirt glaring viciously down at him.

"YOU'RE SCREAMING RIGHT NEXT TO MY LITTLE SISTER'S EARS, IDIOT!" Screamed the child, red in the face. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"

Oh no...was this the shopkeep's son or...?

"Oh, Mr. Wingdings!"

A very familiar rabbit hurriedly bent down to help him up, propping her baby in one arm and pulling him to his feet with the other...much to his disappointment.

To be honest, he would have preferred to have her son stomp him into the earth rather than deal with her again, but today it seemed conversing was unavoidable.

"*Sigh* Good morning ma'am."

"Child, what have I told you about attacking other people?!"

"'Find a reason to knock him down and I'll give you 80g?'"

"I DIDN'T SAY THAT!"

Gaster rolled his eyes.

Yeah, of course you didn't.

"I'm so sorry Mr. Wingdings-" 

"Professor."

"PROFESSOR Wingdings, my son can be so rude sometimes-"

"You told me to knock him down!"

"I'm sure it's from lack of a proper father figure-"

"You said, 'if you see a skeleton in a lab coat, find a reason to knock him down and I'll give you 80g.'" 

"That never came out of my mouth, young man and I'll thank you to stop lying-"

"I'M NOT LYING!"

"Have you seen my boys ma'am?" asked Gaster, interrupting the increasingly annoying conversation. 

"I'm afraid not..oh dear, they haven't gone missing too have they? A friend of mine from the Resort area said HER friend's child had also gone missing and then she showed up at my door later in tears and told me the same thing happened with her little Bratty!"

A kidnapper? 

In the Underground..?

Nonsense.

"Worry not, Mrs...Inkeeper-"

"It's-"

"It's fine. Even if someone IS going around stealing children, they've no where to run and they can't afford to take care of four little ones." 

People these days can barely take care of themselves.

"The fact that it happened today of all days suggests that the culprit merely wants to enter as many children as they can so they can win...whatever the prize is for this thing. Your friend's brat will most likely be returned after the derby."

Unless they hate children as much as I do.

...

Did someone actually manage to destroy my creations? I've gotten rid of most of the labs security to conserve power and I KNOW there are still monsters down here that don't like Fonts...

"Bratty."

"Hm?"

"I wasn't calling my friend's child a brat, she named her baby Bratty."

"Ah, well, as unfortunate as that is, I really don't have time to chat," said Gaster surveying the line behind her. A loud pair of monsters, one of which wearing a red dress, stood out immediately as they were the only parents whose infants were crawling around in the snow without a leash of any sort.

"Perhaps I can help you look for your boys then? You spend so much time in that lab of yours, you must be as lonely as I am..."

"Nope."

Not enough to introduce three new problems into my life.

"I already have a great deal of work I need to get done. My ability to multitask is extraordinary, but even I have a finite number of hands. Perhaps you should find someone with a job that isn't so demanding to help you look after your chil-"

Gaster stopped mid-sentence upon seeing Papyrus crawl into view.

"THERE YOU ARE YOU LITTLE SPAWN OF SATAN!" 

The baby bones didn't seem to hear him, most likely due to all the monsters in front of him muttering about the length of the line and unusually long wait. As Gaster neared his sons, he saw Sans sitting on in the snow frowning at his younger brother.

"Psst! Hey, hey gator-baby!" 

"papyrus..."

Bratty ignored Papyrus, instead deciding to eat more of Catty's hair. She turned her head however, when the skeletal infant patted her on the shoulder.

"You smells like baby formula."

"c'mon bro-"

"Baby formula and failure."

Bratty smiled and wagged her tail, her mouth still filled with black strands of hair.

"I hopes you lose da' race gator-baby. I hopes you slip on yo' drool and fall on your big stink face," whispered Papyrus, smiling back.

"i am THIS close to taking you home."

"I didn't do nothin' dough..." said the baby continuing to whisper.

"papyrus i can HEAR you..and i can see your te-."

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

The two boys jumped in surprise and looked up to see their father towering over them, angry and red in the face.

"I's talking da' trash!"

"Be quiet Papyrus! Sans, take your brother and go home, I'll handle him."

"han..wait, what..?"

"HEY DUDE WHAT THE HELL?!" Bratty's father cried out as he was pushed roughly out of the line and into a snow poff.

"THOSE ARE MY CHILDREN, YOU WRETCHED LITTLE GUTTER SNIPE! HOW DARE YOU STEAL FROM ME?!"

It took Sans a moment or two to snap out of his stupor and understand the situation.

Oh...right. If these two's wives are looking everywhere for their "kidnapped" babies, then the whole Underground must of heard about it too, including Dad.

"I DIDN'T STEAL NOTHIN', BRAH!"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT?"

"I'M IN DISGUISE!"

Quickly, Sans scanned the snow with his eyes for his brother's pacifier, hoping to find it and make a getaway before their father was corrected. It seemed however, that no one was interested in doing anything to help the poor alligator in red, they simply kept their backs turned as if he never existed.  

"YOU'RE IN DISGUISE BECAUSE YOU'RE A CRIMINAL! YOU KIDNAPPED MY SONS AND TRIED TO MAKE MONEY OFF THEM! DON'T LIE TO ME, I KNOW WHO YOU TWO ARE!!"

Stupid, stealing, lying, gross pieces of TRASH!

"YOU STOLE MY BABY RIGHT OUT OF HIS CRIB WHEN SANS WASN'T LOOKING, I KNOW IT!! YOU STOLE HIM AND MADE SANS COME WITH YOU TO THIS..THIS PURGATORY OF DIAPERS!" yelled Gaster accusingly. 

"okay kiddo, i think it's time we skedaddled," said Sans, wiping the pacifier off on his shirt.   

"Don't put dat in my mouth, Snas..."

"I'LL HAVE YOU BOTH ARRESTED, DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'LL MAKE SURE YOU SPEND THE NEXT TEN YEARS PLAYING HACKY SACK IN PRISON!!"

"it's fine bro-"

"You put dat in mah mouth we's both gonna cry," warned the baby, holding up a finger.

"fine, whatever, let's just go."

"Grab the pies first."

"what? no! we're not stealing the prize, we don't even know what or where it is!" said Sans walking away from the scene.

"Then we takes a bawoon."

"we're not doing that either, they aren't ours and you'll pop it."

"NO!"

"you'll pop it, or you'll lose it."

"Nuh-uh! I needs it to fly, so I's gonna take good care of it."

"no."

"I's gonna fly like the tweet birds and scour da' area-"

"no."

"Then baby swoops down and scoops up da' grand pies!"

"again, no. we're not doing that. we're going home and hiding under the bed."

"..."

"..."

"...Imma gets a bawoon whiles you's sweepin'."

"knock yourself out."

"Baby knock YOU out."

"you wanna crawl home?"

"No, I wants a bawoo-"

POMP!

Sans popped the pacifier back into Papyrus's mouth.