"do you want a moment or TWO more to think?"

"I gots dis, baby don't need no help!"

"alrighty then, take your time-"

"Is two."

"nuh-oh wait," Sans' eyes widened in surprise. "wow you actually got it! how'd you do that lil' bro?"

"Da' ones look like pictures."

"and just like that you've lost me."

"Ones look like da' hanging pole, where the bad monsters get dead."

"...."

"Two hanging poles mean two dead monsters!" said the baby proudly. "I's a genius baby, gimme dat paise!"

"you're..something all right."

Holy shit they DO look like the gallows...

"Nyeh hee hee hee hee! I's smarter than Daddy!"

"iiii don't know about that pappy, dad's a scientist-"

"NO! I'S smarter! Dat dumb douchbag got NOTHIN' on da' baby!"

"*pfft!* ha ha ha ha! that's not very nice bro!"

"No, no it isn't," said Gaster flipping through his papers with a frown. "Also I appear to be missing a few pages here, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?" He already knew the answer.

"I eated them."

"Ooof course you did."

"I eated them cause' you sucks."

"ha ha ha ha ha ha! that's not something a smart baby would say pap!"exclaimed Sans' laughing. "you're gonna get a time out baby bro!"

"Yes, yes he is."

"No I's not. I knows how to shut off da' glowey box so I doesn't have to stay in there no mores, sucks for you Daddy!"

"You figured out how to turn off the stasis chamber?!"

That wasn't good. Gaster had been counting on that to grant him an hour or two of peace when he really needed it! NOW how was he going to get Papyrus to behave?!

"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!" Papyrus rocked back and forth on the floor, holding his toes with a triumphant smile.

"You think you're sooo clever don't you? Watching someone press a button on a machine and then copying them isn't much of an achievement, though for someone with YOUR intellect, it's probably news worthy isn't it?"

"dad he's two..."

"Baby's smarter then you's EVER gonna be-"

"Is that a fact?" Gaster swirled around in his chair.

"Yep, baby got dat knowledge cause' of da' books you doesn't know how to weed."

"I KNOW how to read young man!"

"Then weed my whips-"

"You don't HAVE lips-"

"I's better at erything cause' I's a Verbal baby and you's Physical."

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN A THING!"

"dad, chill!" Sans looked away nervously, wondering if he should take Papyrus and leave. Gaster didn't like when people brought up his type and he tended to lose his temper VERY quickly when that happened.

"I's the thinker and you's da' laborer. All you's good for is fixin' mah bottle-"

"I'm FIXING to smack you in the mouth!"

"See dat big Buther? Physcial's be mean and vi-o-lent, they not smart enough to use their mouth words so they gots to use their fists...even on poor tiny babies such as myselves! Can you beweaves it?! He threaten da' baby on camera!"

"c'mon bro, stop..."

"So?! Go ahead and show it to Asgore! I will give him a TUTORIAL on how I beat your ass!"

"Baby beat YO' ass!"

BLOOSH!

"DAD!"

Gaster fired a blaster at Papyrus's feet and the baby bones ran off down the hallway as fast as his little feet could carry him.

"NYEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH! DADDY TRY TO BLOW DA' BABY!"screamed Papyrus loudly enough for the entire lab to hear. A few assistant scientists turned to their boss from down the hall, looking at Gaster suspiciously.

"OH GET BACK TO WORK! YOU ALL KNOW IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!"

"YES IT IS! HE TRY TO BLOW DA' BABY!"

"STOP SAYING THAT!"

"CALL DA' CPS!"

Gaster clawed at his skull as Sans decided to crawl into a nearby cabinet. Being the Comedic Font, he couldn't help but laugh at every joke or really ANYTHING he found funny and it actually put him in in a lot of dangerous situations...like this one for example.

I wanna stay for the fight, but I don't wanna die either...

He didn't like his father, but he LOOOVED it when Gaster got REALLY mad. Not because he wanted him to suffer, (he wasn't Papyrus) but because whenever the royal scientist lost his composer he also lost the intellectual mask he wore and went full hood rat. The angrier Gaster became, the more his accent changed; going from sophisticated scientist to a stereotypical black parent, ready to "smack the calcium out his bones."

Maybe Dad grew up in the projects or something...?

Papyrus was the same way and seeing them fight made Sans' ENTIRE day. Some of the fights even LASTED for an entire day, making Sans laugh so hard he couldn't even breath.

"*Sigh*" Gaster rubbed his temples in irritation, trying to calm himself down. "WHY is he such an asshole? Where did I go wrong? What did I even DO?"

RING!
RING!
RING!

"Hello?"

"Hi, is da' baby-"

CLICK!

Gaster hung up.

RING!

RING!

RIN-

Gaster turned his phone off.

BECUN!

"ATTENTION ERYONE-"

"GET OFF THE INTERCOM PAPYRUS!"

"DIS BE DA' BABY..."

I swear to god...

"I JUST WANTED TO SAY DAT DADDY IS BAD AND HE NOT GONNA BE WORKING HERE FOR MUCH WONGER, SO YOU GOTS TO GO GETS A NEW JOB-"

"PAPYRUS!"

"IN FACT, I ASPECT HE GONNA EITHER BE IN JAIL OR PUSHING A SHOPPING CART IN ABOUT TWEE WEEKS...YOU HEARS ME DADDY?! I'S GONNA HAVE YO' JOB CAUSE' YOU'S A BAG OF DICKS!"

"hee hee hee hee!"

"SHUT UP SANS, THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

"ALSO I HATES YOU AND I'S GONNA TELL DA' KING YOU TRY TO BLOW THE BABY!"

"I WILL POISON YOUR BOTTLE PAPYRUS!"

"I'S GONNA CALL DA' CPS AND THEY GONNA REST YOOOOUUU!"

Gaster left the room.

"NYEH? NO! NOOOOO, NOT DA' SWEEPY WATER! I BE A GOOD BABY, I SWEARS!"

A loud struggle could be heard over the intercom.

"SNAS, SAVE DA' BABY!"

"*sigh*"

Sans teleported out of the cabinet to go and fetch Papyrus.

Looks like we're gonna have to spend another night with Undyne...

"C'MERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

"NYEEEEHHHHHHHHHH!"

Sans teleported into the intercom room to see Papyrus running for his life with Gaster in hot pursuit.

"eeasy dad..."

"GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE SANS! I'LL BUST YOUR ASS TOO!"

"NOOOO! SAVE DA' BABY!"

Sans quickly ran up and grabbed his brother, ducking under Gaster's arm and teleporting to Waterfall just before his father summoned his wingdings.

"way to go bro, now we have to stay the night at undyne's place."

"So? Undyne funny..." said Papyrus in a small voice.

"she's loud and she's violent."

"You knows da' baby gonna protect you! Why you whine?"

"*sigh*"

KNOCK-KNOCK!

Sans rapped upon Undyne's door, hoping that her mother was once again at a meeting somewhere. She was a workaholic like Gaster and a single parent who worked two jobs so the chances that she'd be home were slim, but when she was she wouldn't allow Undyne to have friends over because her daughter usually ended up beating the crap out of everyone she thought was an 'evildoer.'

KNOCK-KNOCK!

"Who's there?"

Sans grinned. "Dishes."

"*Sigh* Hiiii Saaans."

Gee Undyne don't get TOO excited to see me, you might have a heart attack...assuming you even HAVE one and there's not just a black hole in your chest...

"Hi Loud Lady!"

"Papyrus?!" Undyne opened the door immediately. She was always happy to see Papyrus. He was not only the coolest baby she'd ever seen, but he was also the strongest, he didn't mind when she put him in headlocks and he was usually the one to put her on HER ass...something that didn't happen often. She played "Hero and Villain" with Papyrus all the time and he always let her be the hero without any arguments whatsoever unlike those stupid wimps at her mom's daycare.

"We's gonna stay the night at yo' house cause' Daddy is a douche," said Papyrus, sticking his thumb in his mouth and staring at the wall behind her.

"you started it bro."

"Das not what I wecall. I wecall Daddy being a whiney hiney cause' he doesn't wants to hear da' tooth..."

"Got into another fight with your dad huh?"

"He try to blow da' baby on camera! Can you beweaves it?!"

Undyne motioned for them to come inside. This happened a lot and as a hero it was her job to protect the weak and helpless.

Sans wandered off down the hallway towards her mother's room, hoping to find the book he had been reading last time he was here, still in it's hiding place. Apparently Undyne was into horror stories and the paranormal, her books were all about that stuff and Sans liked the ones about aliens best. He was actually pretty surprised to know that she even read at all, but Undyne had told him that they weren't nerd books. These books were for "future heroes who wanted to study up on their enemies and train themselves to be fearless in any situation no matter who or what they faced."

She and bro are both nuts.

Finding the book underneath the bed, he began to read and didn't stop until the book was finished. He had no idea how much time had passed, but he DID notice that it was strangely quiet in the house.

Uh oh, that's not good. Those two are ALWAYS loud and obnoxious...

"UGH! DAMN IT!"

Sans dropped the book and raced out of the room upon hearing Undyne cry out. "BRO? WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?"

"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

Oh god.

The kid comedian reached the living room and stopped in confusion, noticing that nothing in the house was in disarray or on fire. What exactly were they doing?

"Next question herwoe! See if you can get dis one right-"

"I WILL GET IT RIGHT! THE UNSTOPPABLE UNDYNE NEVER GIVES UP!"

Oh they're playing a..non-violent game...

...What?

"what are you two doing?"

"I'm training my mind so my magic will get stronger! I read that mages and crap have to study so their magic will get good and stuff!"

"If she get it wrong, baby tag her in da' face."

"mages have to study magic itself, not just-"

"What can you puts in a bucket to makes it lighter?" asked Papyrus interrupting Sans. His brother frowned at him while Undyne began to think. Riddles were hard, but if she was gonna beat Papyrus one day, she needed to WORK hard...

"c'mon baby bro, play fair."

"I IS paying fair!"

"no you're not, that's a bullshit question and you KNOW it."

"ACK!" the baby made a "go away" motion with his hand.

"Hmmm..."

"there's TWO answers to the question undyne, pap's is playing ya'."

"Nuh uh! Big Buther be lying through his teeth!"

"i'm not-"

"Look at those teeth!"

"What are the two answers?" asked Undyne smiling smugly. It wasn't cheating if the question was bullshit and she didn't know which answer Papyrus would choose as the correct one.

Ha ha ha! Outsmarted you, stupid baby!

She felt smarter already.

"it's either fire or a hole. if you say 'fire', he'll say you're wrong and that the answer was a hole, and if you say 'a hole' he'll say you're wrong and that the answer was fire. it's a bullshit riddle."

"Beweaves whatever you wants big Buther..." said Papyrus smiling at nothing.

"Well if both the answers are right, then I'LL be right no matter what. He can't change the answer or he'll be disqualified. HA!"

Papyrus's smile didn't fade much to Sans' unease.

What's he up to?

"The answer is fire!" cried Undyne triumphantly.

"WRONG."

SMACK!

Baby Papyrus smacked Undyne's face, laughing playfully. "NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

"OW! WHAT THE-"

"Fire be a type of plasma and plasma not weightless."

"WHAT THE HELL IS PLASMA?!"

"how the hell do you KNOW about plasma?!" asked Sans, completely stunned.

"Cause' I's smarter then you."

"YOU'RE NOT SMARTER THAN ME!" screamed Undyne loudly.

"eaasy lil' bro," said Sans nervously. "we don't wanna get thrown out do we?"

"Whatever! I'm not gonna throw someone out just cause' I lose a game, I'M A BIG GIRL! I'M GROWN!"

"alright chill! i was just lookin' out for ya'. pap doesn't do too well with people."

"Yeah I noticed,' said Undyne pointing to her eye patch. "Not that I care, I'm gonna beat him someday! I'm gonna beat him and then I'LL be the strongest hero in the Underground!" She put her hands on her hips, striking a proud heroic pose.

"You's spose' to dweam while you's sweeping, not when you's awake..."

"Screw you Papyrus! It'll happen, just wait and see! Your big brother's gonna end up crying over your DUST!"

"Big Buther cry over erything."

"no i don't!"

"He cry more than da' baby!"

"shut up papyrus!"

Papyrus glared at the wall. "You shu up," he said, sticking his thumb in his mouth.

"*sigh*"

"No tears? Why you no cry? You's makin' da' baby look like a liar!"

"you are a liar, ge-get off of me!"

"I wish to taste the ocean big Buther..."

"i asked you not to lick my face," said Sans pushing his brother away.

Friggen' freak!

"And I asks you not to sniff da' baby, but you does it anyway while I's sweeping."

"What?"

"he's lying again, just ignore him."

"You suck up da' baby's cute!"

"That's weird Sans."

"HE DOESN'T SLEEP!"

"Cause' I gots to guard my new baby smell! Snas sniff me like the cocaine..."

"whatever!"

Lying little shit...

"He sniff me like his food!"

"SHUT UP PAPYRUS!"

"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

I HATE him when he's around Undyne, he turns into such an dick!

"you sure do love showing your ass in front of undyne, don't ya' lil' bro? you know girls don't date show-offs right? she might like you now, but one day she's gonna get smarter and leave you."

"I DON'T LIKE HIM!"

"DON'T WEAVES DA' BABY!"

"she's gonna leave ya' for mr. gerson, heh heh heh..."

"SHUT UP SANS!"

"if i pomise not to hit you no mores, will you stay? i'll be a better baby dis time i swears!"

"I'm not leaving you Papyrus, your brother's just being stupid."

"Kay'."

"right, I'M the stupid one-"

"We's gonna get married?"

"WHAT?! NO!"

"are you asking me or her?"

"You don't wike da' baby?"

"NOT THAT WAY!"

"Oh."

"...."

"...."

"....What if I shows my ass?"

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

SLAM!

The brothers found themselves on Undyne's front porch, the door having been slammed in their faces.

"seriously pap, you gotta-pap? papyrus?!"

The baby bones was already running off.

"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

"PAPYRUS WAIT!"

Sans ran after his baby brother, but the little skeleton was so fast...

Thank god it's morning now, otherwise I'd NEVER find him.

Not that it still wasn't difficult.

It took a full hour to find Papyrus and by that time Sans was ready to throttle him, his anger dissipated however, when he saw the baby bones building a snowman with a couple of rabbits. One was a boy, holding a couple of sticks happily and another was a girl...who was sitting on Papyrus's shoulders so she could pat the snowman's head down.

Oh my god...he's being nice to someone who isn't me!

"Those be some nice sticks you got theres, we's gonna put them on the snowman head?"

Sans wanted to go over there, but it felt like he was intruding. Those weren't HIS friends, they were apparently his brothers. Truth be told, the adorable sight made him feel jealous and lonely...one day his baby brother would grow up and make even MORE friends while Sans would probably stay at home by himself, working all the time like his father in order to forget how lonely he was.

He's gonna leave me all by myself and...

"*sniff*"

"SNAS! HEY SNAS! COME PAY WIT DA' BABY!"

The older skeleton slowly walked towards the little group, plastering on a smile. "oh hey pap! watcha doing there?" asked Sans as if he had just seen them.

"I's building a snowman, what it wook like?"

"looks like you're getting along with actual people."

"Course I am, I's a good bae! I's helping da' other snowman and building him a fwiend with these fluffy bunnies!" Papyrus ran up to Sans and motioned for him to bend down. "They fluffy as hell big Buther!" whispered Papyrus. "Their mama and auntie own da' inn and cinnabun shop too. I's gonna get in good wit the babies and they gonna give us fee sweets and a pace to stay."

"ohhh," whispered Sans. "you're using them to get yourself a place to stay for a couple of days for when you piss off dad."

"We can hear you..."

"So? I's cuter so yo' mama gonna beweave me more...she see da' baby paying nice from da' window and she probly think 'dat's a nice baby paying wit my bunnie babies. He so cute and nice, I should wet him stay at the inn for fee and gives dat cute baby bones cinnabuns."

"Good luck."

"You're going to need a lot of it."

"Then maybe I should cuts off yo' feet..."

"WHAT?!" the children looked at the baby wide-eyed.

"Wabbit feet be lucky-"

"MAMAAAA!" the baby bunnies ran off.

"Good job big Buther, you wuin mah wife!"

"you ruin your own life."

Papyrus knocked over the snowman and buried himself in snow under it. "NYEHHHHHHHHH!"

"what are you doing?"

"What's going on here?!"

Sans turned to see the shop keep and her children storming over to them. She looked really angry...and she was looking at him.

"Did you threaten to cut off my children's feet?!"

"what?! no!" said Sans backing up.

Uh oh...

"It wasn't him Mama! It was the baby!" said the boy rabbit pointing at Papyrus.

Phew...

"NYEHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh my god! Who pushed that snowman on top of him?! Was it you?!"

"no it wasn't me!"

"THEY BE MEAN TO DA' BABY!" cried Baby Papyrus.

"Wait...'they?'" the mother turned to look at her children.

"uh, yeah! they were building a snowman and arguing about making changes to it, then they got mad and pushed the snowman on top of my baby brother!" said Sans, backing up Papyrus.

"NYEHHHHHHHH! IS TOO! THEY BURY DA' BABY!"

"HE'S LYING!" yelled the girl rabbit angrily.

"THEY'RE BOTH LYING MAMA! THAT BABY SAID HE WAS GONNA CUT OFF OUR FEET!"

"The baby...said he was gonna cut off your feet? Right. Come here you poor thing-"

"MAMA!" The two rabbits grabbed her dress.

"Hush! You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Picking on such a sweet little infant!"

"BUT-"

"NYEHHHHHHH!"

"Get in the house you two! Excuse me child, what's your name...?"

"sans."

"Sans, come with me to the shop and I'll fix you and your poor brother some nice warm soup."

"*Sniff* Can da' baby gets a cinnabun?"

"Of course you can, you poor thing. I'm so sorry-"

"MAMAAAAA!"

"INSIDE!"

The children glared at Papyrus and Sans venomously before turning around and beginning to walk home.

Welp, that's two more friends I'm never gonna make.

He followed them, choosing to wisely wait for the mother to enter the house first. Sans didn't play with any children his age because they tended to be unpredictable when they got mad. They didn't care about the law and wouldn't think twice about dusting him.

He felt bad that the other children had gotten in trouble and he didn't like lying as much as his brother...or at all, but it felt good to be on the winning side for once...to be of some use to someone, especially if it was Papyrus. His baby brother was an asshole, but he protected Sans for reasons the kid comedian couldn't even fathom. It was only due to Papyrus's intervention that Undyne kept her hands to herself and her anger offhim.

The baby bones smiled and waved to Sans, making him giggle and somehow feel worse and better at the same time.

If it weren't for my baby bro I'd already be dead. Nobody likes me or Pappy, so we SHOULD look after each other.

We're all we have...right now anyway.

The brothers were sat in front of the fire place and given some warm soup as the rabbit children were sent to their room.

"I weally appeciate you helping da' baby today Snas, so you gets half my cinnabun," said Papyrus. He broke apart his cinnabun and gave the bigger half to Sans, smiling.

"awww! thanks bro!"

"No need to tank da' baby, I knows how much you wike food!"

"....thanks bro."

"Nyeh hee hee hee hee!"

Sans shook his head and dunked his cinnabun into his soup.

"You's a pwetty good helper Snas, it would be beni-fici-al for us both if we were to work together all da' time..."

"uhh..."

"We's famy and famy should wook out for each other ya' know?"

Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in the Godfather?

"heh heh heh, you trying to get me to turn over to the dark side baby bro?"

"We could acomblish great things together is all da' baby's saying..."

He's trying to turn me over to the dark side.

"sounds a lot like you want to make me into a henchmen or something."

"I's thinking partners."

"how bout' 'no?'"

"How bout' 'yes' or I puts wabbit feets in yo' bed-"

"how bout' i mosey on over to mama rabbit and tell her the truth?"

"How bout' I pours mah soup over yo' big stink head?!"

"how bout' i throw you into the friggen' lake?!"

The mother rabbits ears perked up from the kitchen.

"Do you even wift bro?"

"i've taken out trash before, yeah."

"Baby not twash!" Papyrus kicked his soup bowl causing it to tip over, luckily it was already empty.

"Oh, are you two all done?" The mother rabbit picked up their empty bowls.

"yes ma'am, thank you for the soup! you're very nice."

"Aww, such a polite young man! Let me know if you two need anything else-"

"I needs a new big Buther, how much they be?" asked Papyrus, glaring at the wall beyond her.

"Uh, um..."

"Perfer-ably one that don't talk doody to da' baby!"

"i'm not talking shi-doody!"

"Talk dat doody, get smacked in da' booty!" exclaimed Papyrus giggling.

"...are...are you coming on to me?"

The baby stopped giggling.

"..."

"..."

The mother rabbit left the room.

"...You's gonna wind up in jails one day big Buther and I's NOT going to vist you..."

"whatever! you WISH i was a pedobear..."

"Yo' dweams are baby's nightmares."

"heh-hey! don't knock it till you try it bro! heh heh ha ha ha!"

"..."

Baby Papyrus crawled away.

"wha-aw c'mon pap it was just a joke!"

FLOOSH!

Baby Papyrus opened the door and went outside.

"it was a JOKE i said! bro?"

Baby Papyrus crawled home.

"OH COME ON BRO, GIMME A BREAK! THAT WAS FUNNNNY!"