I shouldn't have made another broken promise. I shouldn't have. It was an endless cycle, that hurt. But it wasn't all bad. I can't feel anything right now, but I will soon. It'll all hit me at once, eventually. Slowly, and then all at once. And I'll realize that even though I didn't try, I loved you. I didn't have to try. Sure it all started out as an accident, sure all these things factor into it but I did love you. I do. Maybe I hadn't been sure about what it was, where it was going but I didn't care. I didn't care that I defied opposing opinions and factors, I just had to try. I had to. I looked past everything and chose to see you for who I knew you were, I wasn't going to let anything or anyone tell me otherwise. I'm not even quite sure who I was to you, and who you were to me. I felt bad for all the times you said sorry when you didn't do anything that needed an apology. I feel bad for my difficulty, my stubbornness, that's what got any of us here in the first place. I feel bad for the broken friendships that came after that, although I've been told that there's nothing to feel bad for. I feel bad, I've felt bad for a few hours because I couldn't give you the hope that I told you I was. That I could give. I couldn't do simple things, I couldn't stop your waiting. The longer you did the more bad I felt. I'm not sure why you waited for so long. I'm sorry that you did. The way things are ended are just so unfair. No regrets is a deadly deal. I've felt bad since all the days after you began waiting. Because I knew that waiting for so long would be the reason why I feel bad, the reason why I'm writing this. In time, I will continue to feel bad. I'll feel bad for the days that follow tonight, where I type to you everything I should've said, everything that I've wanted to say but hit delete and turn my phone off. Where I could so easily have the chance to do everything I've wanted to do, what I want to do, but turn around and walk away instead. Where I stare at my screen in the middle of the night less than inches away from hitting the call button, ready to say the things I want you to hear, the things I need you to hear but toss my phone aside and go to sleep. Where I build the guilt and regret up because I'll wait and wait until you forget about everything and move on, because I want you to move on and be happy, happier. Where you start thinking that I didn't really care, and you stop hoping for yourself and that small part of you still hopes I'll prove you wrong. Where I make sure that I'm the one, just like I've always set out to be. Where you eventually give up, let go, and we become strangers again. Where I break my own heart to make sure yours is held in the hands of someone who could actually take care of it. Honestly it's all a bunch of bullshit. I should be holding you, I should be suffocating you with my excessive words of adoration, I should be making you smile, making your heart beat faster than any drum, I should be saying fuck the odds and the probability of us lasting, I should be holding your hand tight, keeping you warm, I should be there for you, I should be your friend, your bestfriend, your significant other, your love, yours, whatever else, I should be loving you but instead I am torturing the both of us. It wasn't meant to happen in the first place but why am I letting end like it really was a mistake even though nothing in this world could make me think that it was.