one new voicemail

—"hi! sorry it took so long to explain what i've always been off taking care of, but here i am! i don't get much sleep these days... it's quite exhausting for a while but i've become accustomed to it. i don't get out much anymore either, i've been missing alot so it seems. you didn't hear from me for the longest, no one did. i know you tried getting in touch with me, or anyone you thought would be able to get in touch with me. of course you already knew the bitter things that happened within my life, because i told you. but then i went silent, for months, almost a year now. the most news you could've gotten was that i was okay, i was happy and healthy. i'd gotten tired of it all, everything. i was alright, i was happy, but i was tired. i was tired of hearing of the same people with the same superficial drama. i was tired of being surrounded by everyone, even you. i wasn't mad, or sad, i was completely fine. i just seemed to wander aimlessly throughout life, everyday. and i did not care for it, i smiled, and laughed, yelled, and cried though. but it bored me. i was off trying to fix myself! haha, i was off trying to understand why i couldn't get in touch with myself, with anything. my closest friends, the ones i loved, i talked to them, spent time with them, made memories with them but i was never there. i was never fully there. i didn't zone out. i just scoffed at life. it all seemed so, bland? although it was anything but bland. they asked if i was okay, and i was. i am. i feel completely alright. i stopped talking, and i did everything the way i was supposed to. i listened. it didn't seem natural of me to anyone for me to just, not speak. not react a certain way, basically not share my opinion on anything. they were always saying "oh, janica, there's something off about you" i smiled. nobody tried to press for answers, no one questioned. counseling and therapy was no different, i answered questions they had, like if i was okay, when they asked how i was feeling. i was alright, i was okay.. i listened to the ones care about me, cry because they just insist they know that i'm not okay. i listened to them yell at me, saying it was bullshit for me to be saying i was okay and for me to be smiling was such a cover up. they all say it's okay to not be okay. and i know that. i am okay. nothing bothers me at this point, nothing makes me sad or angry or joyful. it's like.. not.. showing emotion? i suppose you could call it? but it wasn't like i was monotonous, 'no emotion' like a robot, no, i was simply out of it. i was out of emotion. i stopped singing, and playing instruments. i stopped writing, i stopped reading, i stopped doing alot of things, and i stopped doing it for my own pleasure. the only times i did these things were if i was asked to. i didn't have hobbies anymore, i didn't really do anything anymore. some said i was humble, it's not being humble. i simply think that i've reached such a different level of emotion that there simply isn't any to be shown. i loved. i do love. it's just difficult to explain how i'm feeling. it's quite similar to that time a while ago where i got tired of doing the things i love, being with the people i love that i simply stopped. i couldn't get back into it. i'm really not sure how to explain it. some have told me that it's my way of coping. but it's not. they all say different things. i've yet to understand the situation, yet to take care of it. yet to even say this to anyone, well until now. it's been so long, so so long. i hope you can make something of this, i hope it's updated on you on me. i can't exactly, 'catch up' either, but i do want to say sorry it took so long and i miss you. and sorry that it will take even longer. oh and wait! i also wanted to say that i've recently come to the decision of ending my—oh, ah fuck, i have no more time left, haha! i got so occupied with everything, but i hope all is well! until next time! oh, and by the way, i'm uh, i'm not coming back. goodbye!"—

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