i once told him
that i was sorry
for expecting so much of him

because i felt bad
and selfish for asking for so much

and then he told me that i should never have to apologize
for expecting so much
because i deserve nothing less
that what i expected

and now
well,
i don't expect anything anymore i suppose
i try so hard to block out
this idea
or dream
of what i want things to be

because sometimes that just doesn't happen
and i am okay with that

i don't expect things
i don't standardize things
(at least i try not to, out loud)
because i wonder if i ask for too much
and if i really deserve what i ask for

and a person can only do so much
expectations and plans
seem so cliché
in the grand scheme of things

i always say
that things will eventually fall into place
but that doesn't mean that you don't try
it doesn't mean that things will fall into
their perfectly imperfect places
without trying
without initiative or any sort of participation

i keep asking myself
why it was so much easier before