wow that was a long update whoops sorry guys

natalia

i go into my room with just my towel on, i had a pretty long shower. i'm sure i took  around 45 minutes, enough time for clint to fall asleep so i can finish off what i was going to do. i look around, it's quite dark in here so i turn the light off and jump when i see clint sitting on my bed with his arms crossed.

"what the fuck are you doing?!" i yell out and tighten my towel.

"uh, waiting for you." clint rolls his eyes at me as i open the door for him to leave.

"get out, fucking weirdo."

"no, bucky ordered me to keep an eye on you at all times." he lies down and places his head on my pillow.

"not when i'm getting fucking dressed! how do you think he's going to react when i tell him you've watched me get dressed?" i hiss.

"oh yeah, true dat." he jumps up then happily skips out of the door.

i roll my eyes then close the door, is he for real? clint is seriously the one to be stuck with me? i mean i love him, he's my best friend and all of that but how am i supposed to...do what i have to do when he's watching me?

clint

i'm paranoid. bucky told me that natalia isn't herself and i can see it now, she's not okay. she's not fine, she killed an innocent man because alexi told her to. she's unstable and i need to keep a close eye on her and help her. i wait a whole 15 minutes, each second i pray i don't hear a gun shot. i eventually can't take it anymore and open the door to see natasha brushing her hair, i sigh in relief.

natalia

clint walks in looking worried, why is he acting so weird? what did james say to him? i put my brush down on the desk and go over to him, frowning.

"why are you acting so weird?" i ask.

"you're not yourself, nat, i don't know what's wrong with you." he sadly tells me as i roll my eyes.

"whatever, let's do something fun."

"fun? it's almost 5 o'clock in the morning!" he points out as i roll my eyes and give him an evil grin.

"fun indeed..." i say as he grins back, we run to the kitchen.

we begin raiding the cupboards for food, i groan when i can't find any vodka.

"i got vodka!" clint yells out and my face immediately lights up as i snatch it from him.

"actually, i'm kinda tired." i lie and yawn, clint pouts at me.

"seriously, you're gonna leave me hanging?" he crosses his arms and arches a brow at me.

"yessir, i'm tired." i fake yawn again and slowly walk out of the kitchen.

"no fair!" i hear him shout before i make my way to my bedroom door.

i open it and go inside, smiling. i close it and take a deep breath. i'm finally alone so i can end it-

"natasha! let me in, let me in!" clint whines from outside the door, i shut my eyes tight in frustration.

"i'm tired, go away!" i shout in a tone i don't recognise, i must've scared him away because he immediately stops talking and walks away.

i breathe out in relief, he's gone. finally. i roll my eyes and quickly drop to the floor next to my bed, i put my hands under it and reach for the gun. i grab it and stand up again, now is my chance. finally.

do i want this? do i really want to end my life...?

yes. i have to...i have to pay for all those people i've hurt during my lifetime. i struggle to hold the gun up to my head with trembling hands, i shut my eyes tight and brace myself for the pain. i take a deep breath before...

"ow!" i groan as i feel someone push me onto the bed so hard that i drop my gun to the ground.

"what the fuck were you thinking?" james hisses as i look up to see him standing next to clint with crossed arms, he has a very angry expression but a bit sad too.

"nothing." i hiss back and stand in front of them with crossed arms.

"well what was that?" clint points to the gun.

"nothing." i shrug and glare at them both.

"what's going through your mind, natalia, you need to talk about these things." james lectures me as i fake yawn.

"nothing." i shrug again and slowly smirk.

"say nothing one more goddamn time-"

"no-th-ing." i cut off james with a wide grin.

"you need help. we're getting you help. we're getting you help right now." he grabs my arm and i groan, why's he treating me like a kid?

"natasha, let us help you." clint grabs my other arm and they both slowly drag me out of my room.

"who said i want your help?" i ask them both but they ignore me, i huff in disbelief.

maybe i was making a mistake...maybe there's better solutions than suicide? we'll see.