Harry

She's gone.

My Little Dove, one of the people I loved most in this world. Another person who ripped one part of my tortured heart with their death. Part I will never get back.

I've lost my voice after hours of screaming and crying, my throat dry and my vocal cords painful. I don't know when exactly have I stopped crying, I just know at one point the immense pain I was feeling has stopped and my whole body went numb. I couldn't hear anything or see anyone, I was in my own world, the one where there is no pain and there is only peace.

The world I'd created when I lost Zayn, when I lost my brother.

But now I'm slowly starting to snap back to my senses, realising I'm sitting on the floor, tightly pressed in the corner of the room with Alice's dead body lying on the bed a few metres away from me. I faintly remember my friends trying to pull me away from the room, but I trashed and fought, I didn't want to leave her alone.

She never wanted me to leave her alone, so I was not going to do that now.

But the harsh reality is that she left me. I feel like my heart is literally crumbling to pieces when I lift my eyes, seeing her small body lying motionless, bringing a new set of tears in my eyes, a shaky breath leaving my mouth. My muscles protest painfully when I move, slowly standing up to my feet, using the wall to support my weakened body. I walk toward her, closing my eyes briefly and wiping away the tears that have started to stain my cheeks once again. I reach out and lean forward, stroking her silky hair.

"Sweet dreams, Little Dove."

. . . .

I sit on the floor of my training room, still armed and in my uniform, my eyes fixed on nothing in particular. I've been sitting like this for hours, letting the pain consume me. I've been through almost all stages of grief in these past few hours, from denial, anger, despair and sadness, the only thing left for me is acceptance. It will take a while until this horrid reality sinks in and my heart accepts in what my brain is trying to convince it.

It's very early in the morning and the sun has only begun to rise, the sky being a delicate shade of orange. I came here to train, but I realised I don't have the energy nor the will, I have nothing. My chest feels empty and I'm somewhere between asleep and awake. I know when the sun fully rises I will have to embrace the fact Alice won't be here to see the day, to live through it.

In my hazy state, I faintly register the sound of the door being opened behind me and I don't need to turn around to know who it is. I actually feel her presence, I know the sound of her footsteps. Goosebumps scatter over my skin as I feel her standing closely behind me, my breathing rate suddenly picking up, making me realise I actually still have some feelings left in me.

But all the good ones are gone.

I use my hands to push myself up and slowly turn around, the little early morning light seeping into the room allowing me to see the gentle hazel colour of her irises. My expression is stolid, eyes probably bloodshot from crying with dark circles underneath them, my lips dry. I know because she looks exactly the same.

I saw her break down with me when Alice died, she was in the similar condition and in that moment I realised she truly cared for her. I saw it in the way she talked to her and treated her, in the way she played with the kids and how she would always find time for them, especially when I barely had any. There was at least something real in the act she's been playing all this time.

"H," I say, my voice barely a whisper. I clear my throat, feeling a slight burn. "Alice was the first one to call me H. She couldn't get used to my name when she was little and she gave me that nickname and everyone accepted it." I manage a weak, pained smile. "So when I ordered everyone to stop calling me Harry after my brother died, she was so happy, and she was the only one who managed to give me some comfort back then, but now she's gone and I'm left to deal with the consequences. I don't want to be selfish and expect comfort because I'm not the only one who's suffering because of her death, but it's just too much and there's no one. . . no one can help me."

"Why. . ." I mumble. "Why did you do that to me?" I feel absolutely devastated knowing the only person who always knew how to bring me a sense of comfort and peace whenever I needed it is the one that betrayed my trust. This means I didn't lose just Alice today, but Elena as well.

She gulps, her saddened eyes looking away as she struggles to find words. We both know there's nothing she can say to fix this, to fix any of this. My gaze slides to her neck, seeing a newly formed bruise there and what seems to be teeth marks.

"I see it didn't take you too long to get back to your old life." I lift my hand, brushing my thumb over the bruise briefly before letting my arm drop to my side. She flinches at my touch, a pained expression flickering over her features. "Not to mention the uniform you're wearing. . . you belong to Vortex once again. Congratulations."

"I never did and I never will," Elena says, her voice equally quiet and strained as mine. "Don't make conclusions based on one thing, no matter how it looks like."

I let out a laugh, no trace of humour or emotion in it, sounding more like a puff of air leaving my mouth. "You didn't answer my question. Why did you do that to me? Why did you spend so much time with me, hm? You would comfort me, be there for me, you would never give up. And for what? To leave at the end? Go ahead then, leave. But make it final this time."

I turn around, my palms covering my face as I let out a heavy sigh. What she did doesn't matter anymore, nothing does. I want her gone now that I'm numb and can barely feel anything. I want to stay in this numb state as long as I can, but she's making it hard for me. I don't need more pain, there's only so much I can take and I've reached my final limit. I'm done, completely done.

"I didn't leave," she says, her voice small. "That's the whole point, I stayed here for you. And when I had the chance to leave again, I came back to you. When Vortex was attacked and I had yet another chance, I came here again. I'll always come back to you."

My eyes burn from unshed tears and I hate it that I have to deal with this pain on top of the one caused by Alice's death. The feelings I wanted to push back are resurfacing fast and hard, making me clutch my aching chest as if I can rip the pain out and toss it away, my breathing suddenly becoming ragged and I feel like I'm drowning. She's making me feel this way, it's all her. She has ruined what we had and now that I need her the most, I can't have her.

Two types of pain are clashing inside of me, drowning me and pushing me deeper below the surface with each second. This has to stop.

When I feel her hand on my shoulder, I grab a gun and my body turns abruptly, my hand aiming the gun at her, pressing the barrel against her forehead. Her widened eyes search mine, probably trying to find the signs I usually show when I have an episode.

But there is no episode, I'm not hallucinating at all.

I stare into her eyes for a few moments, slowly processing I'm letting the pain have control over me yet again. It's making me do this, it's making me point a gun at the person I love. My hand starts shaking as cold shivers run through my body, the bile rising in my throat as cold sweat breaks on the surface of my skin. It's so overwhelming, to feel this immense pain and love at the same time. It's even worse when one person is making you feel both.

"I can't, I can't. . ." I mumble as my tears finally start flowing, my eyes closing as I take a step back, my fingers gripping my hair. "Fuck!"

"I love you, I can't. . ." I say as I look at her, dropping the gun on the floor. "I can't handle it, I can't deal with that. I don't want to."

Elena stares at me in complete shock, her palm coming up to cover her mouth and it hits me what exactly have I just admitted to her. She sniffles and frantically starts wiping her tears as if they're burning her skin. "Harry I-"

"Leave. . . leave! I need you to get away, I want you to get away! You can't fix anything anymore, no one can!" I finally snap. "Alice is gone! And so is Zayn and Thomas, and hundreds of other soldiers! I can't take this anymore, I can't. . . I don't want to feel anything for you, I want this pain to be gone. Just- just leave and take it with you." My chest is heaving, arms hanging limply on my sides.

She wipes away her tears with the backs of her hands, taking a step forward and attempting to reach out and touch me, but I quickly step away, lifting my hands. Hurt flashes over her features as she sniffles, managing to somehow stop crying. It's a rare sight to see her like this, in her most vulnerable state.

I really want to tell her it's okay, I want to tell her it's all forgotten, I forgive her. But I can't, what I want and what I feel are two very different things, my pain blocking me from welcoming even an ounce of happiness in this moment. Since my heart has already turned into dust and my chest feels like an empty hollow, there's simply no place for love, no place for anything good and pure.

"Harry, I don't want you to be alone right now, don't you see you're doing the same thing you did when Zayn died? You're distancing yourself from everyone, I know you don't want me near you but at least let your friends and David be there for you-"

"Elena," I interrupt, wiping away my own tears, hating how emotional I am. "Stop. Just stop trying to fix this, stop caring. You had a mission, right? It was to make a deal and then get away. If you want to help me like you said when you came back then you'll do one thing for me."

"Don't- don't ask me that- no, you can't, I won't." She shakes her head, once again trying to get close to me but I step away.

"Complete your mission, soldier."

She looks into my eyes intently and I can see pain and defeat in them as she takes another step forward, refusing to listen to me, just like usual. But then she takes a small step back as if she saw something in my eyes which made her change her mind. I can feel physical pain in every part of my body as I watch her slowly walk away, giving me one final look over her shoulder.

"Yes, sir."

And with that, she's gone.

. . . .

"How- how am I going to tell this to Thomas?" I ask in a panicked voice, pacing back and forth across David's room, my hands grabbing my head, my eyes tired and burning from all the crying I've done in the past couple of hours. "I can't, he's- he's going to break. We promised him he can see Alice again later and now she's. . . gone. I can't look him in the eyes and tell that to him, I can't watch him break."

"Harry- son," David starts in a calm and collected voice, sitting on the bed and struggling to stand up since there's a cast around his ankle. "I need you to listen to me right now and follow my instructions." He patiently waits for me to stop pacing. "First, you'll take a few deep breaths- don't talk, just listen to me." He points a finger at me when I try to protest.

I do as he said and it doesn't make me feel better but at least I'm slightly calmer. "Okay and now you'll go to your room, lie down and sleep. You haven't slept in over forty-eight hours and I know offering you food won't work from experience. I will go and talk to Thomas, you're very vulnerable right now and in no condition to break the news to him. I'll take care of the base and everything."

"Dad, you can't expect me-"

"I can and I do," he tells me. "I won't make the same mistakes I did when your brother died, son, I let you deal with it in your own destructive way which was a terrible fail from my part, especially since I'm your father. I know you're suffering, but I need you to try to be rational and I need to make sure you don't do anything reckless. Please, take my advice and go rest. Trust me on this."

My eyebrows pull in a frown and I close my eyes, my hands tightening into fists at my sides. He's right, I know he is. But I'm scared to be alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts and terrible pain to keep me company. You'd think he would at least offer me to stay with him. I don't protest and nod, deciding to take his advice. I'm absolutely useless anyway, I can't do much to help him with the base when I'm like this.

I failed as a leader when I allowed the attack to happen, I failed as a brother, I failed as a son. I gave myself another chance to make some change, to do something good, but I failed myself too. I failed in every single way.

I'm surprised to find my room unlocked as I step inside, my eyes widening at the sight in front of me. My friends are all crammed in my living room, each of them having a pillow in their hands as they sit on thick mats scattered over the floor. Liam suddenly stands up and rushes toward me, his arms winding tightly around my body. I have a feeling this is why David has sent me here.

"It's okay, cry. You can cry," Liam tells me, his grip around me only tightening. "You can even yell since we all know you like to be left alone when you're sad, but just so you know none of us is leaving no matter how painful your words might be, so just let it all out buddy."

I stand stiffly, not knowing how to react to all this, my tortured heart actually showing signs of life and starting to beat a little faster. Tori is the next one to jump up and run to me, hugging me from behind. Soon, Niall, Louis, and Jess join in, giving me yet another group hug.

My eyes slowly fill with tears for the nth time today and I give in, letting them bring me some sense of comfort. None of us says anything as we simply stay embraced for awhile. Later, we lie down, they on their mats and I on my bed. They've moved them to my bedroom, placing them all around my bed. Despite the pain that only seems to be growing, the fact they're here for me is helping me immensely and I've decided not to allow myself to make the same mistakes I did when Zayn died and give in to my destructive ways as David called them.

I will let them be here for me and I'll do the same for them. Alice hated to see me frown or sad, so I'll try to get better as soon as I can for her. I'll try to reach the stage of acceptance.

Yes, I've lost someone I loved so much, I've lost someone who was like family to me, my little sister. Yes, it hurts and I can only wait until it hurts less and live day by day. And when my pain fades, I'll do everything in my power to avenge that innocent life taken away so unfairly. I'll do everything in my power to bring this war to an end, I'll do everything I can to stop this from happening again.

Every time I close my eyes, I see Alice getting shot and dropping on the ground. Then my mind trails to Zayn falling on the ground in almost identical way after getting shot, both images making me feel like a dagger is piercing through my heart.

There he was. Telling me to run, telling me to save myself while he went to fight. He went to protect me, he went to save me. I didn't want to let him go, I wanted to help him, I wanted him to come with me. But he was shot in the back, making him fall on his knees and look at me, his eyes giving me a silent goodbye. He disappeared in the thick smoke the grenades had caused as they fell all around him.

I failed to protect him.

Before I could mourn, the scenery shifted, gunshots surrounding me as I was on my knees, Alice's soft voice calling out my name as she worriedly ran toward me. She wanted to help me too and I watched her fall in front of me. The next thing I knew, I watched her close her eyes for the last time on the bed in front of me, causing me to break.

I failed to protect her.

When sleep refuses to take me away and let me be at peace for at least a few hours, I get out of bed, careful where I step since I'm surrounded like I'm on a mine field. I sneak out in the living room, letting my body fall on the couch, my legs sprawling in front of me, hands grabbing a pillow and hugging it to my chest. My eyes fix on the window in front of me, staring out at the night sky. I choose to believe my Little Dove is somewhere up there at peace since I can't be.

As I sit on the same spot, completely still and silent, I watch as the darkness of the night slowly shifts into the bright morning. After what feels like hours, I see a military plane flying through the sky. I snap from my daze and place the pillow aside, slowly standing up and moving toward the window. The plane is flying from the west, just like I expected. I know very well who's in that plane and why.

And as I watch it fly away, the last piece of my heart flies away with it.