"i wait and ache. i think i have been healing" - sylvia plath

-----

Nita knew she fucked up.

She hit a foster parent, one that she didn’t really get along with as it is, which was basically a guarantee that she’d be in a new foster home by the following night.

After crying herself to sleep, Nita woke up Sunday morning to the smell of pancakes and the sound of laughter from her sister and Freen.

For a second she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d dreamt about the whole incident from the previous night.

When it occurred to her that it wasn’t a dream, Nita made up her mind that she wasn’t going to leave her room until P'Beer came to collect her. She quietly packed her bag, avoiding any creaking floorboards that could tell Freen from downstairs that she was awake.

Nita set her packed duffle by the door and sat on her now made bed, her sketchpad opened on her lap as she drew all of the ugly things she felt eating away at her insides.

Hours passed as she sat alone in her room. She could hear Emily and Freen go about their day, sounding almost normal aside from Emily being less excitable due to her flu.

Several Disney movies could be heard starting and ending from the master bedroom after lunchtime, a sign that
the two had hunkered down for a movie watching spree.

Nita began to wonder how cruel Freen could be for making Emily believe that they were staying with her still. She was waiting for the foster mom to break the news to the little girl and for her cries to echo through the house.

Nothing.

Nita managed to draw until her hand was cramping, and read an entire book before she realized that the sun had gone down outside and the day had come to an end.

No P'Beer.

Maybe Freen was waiting to do it when Nita left the room.

Around 1am, when Nita was sure both Freen and Emily were asleep, and when her hunger got the best of her, the teen snuck out of her room and crept down to the kitchen. She riffled through cabinets and eventually scrounged up a small stash of dry foods that would last her a few days in case Freen decided to stop feeding her.

She grabbed a few bottles of water as well and then returned to her room, where she ate a handful of peanuts and chugged two of her waters.

The teen fell asleep, once again worrying about what tomorrow had in store for her.

-----

Freen got up on Monday to find that Emily was still running a slight fever.

She had kept her food down yesterday, but had some diarrhea and nausea, which Freen knew would be a big no-no to send a child to school with.

She also knew that Nita was unlikely to be in the mood to attend class after hiding in her room the whole day without eating anything.

Deciding to let the girls sleep in, Freen went about doing some of the household chores before she stepped into the shower. While under the stream of hot water, Freen didn’t hear Nita leave her room, nor did she hear the front door opening and closing.

In fact, Freen was oblivious to Nita's disappearance for a good hour before her phone rang with the school ID.

The foster mom answered, already prepared to hear the secretary inquire about the girls’ whereabouts.

“ Freen Sarocha,” Freen said, as she multi-tasked and checked Emily's temperature while the child continued to sleep.

“Hi Ms. Freen. It’s Tina from the office. I just wanted to see if Emily would be coming to school today.”

“No, she’s caught a bug. Her and Pranita will both be staying home today,” Freen explained, cringing at the flashing numbers of 101. She seemed to be getting warmer.

“Hmm, looks like Pranita is in class today,” Tina said, gaining Freen's full attention. “She was marked as late in her math class this morning.”

Freen rushed to the girls’ room and opened the door to see the beds made and Nita missing.

“My mistake,” Freen lied, not wanting to raise any suspicion or make Tina question her as a parent. “ Pranita told me she had to go to school today and decided to walk. I’ve just been preoccupied with Emily.”

“It happens to the best of us. I hope Emily feels better and can return to school soon. Have a nice day, Ms. Freen.”

“Yeah, you too,” Freen said, hanging up her phone and looking around the room.

She frowned when she noticed that half of the closet was missing Nita's clothing as well as some of the dresser drawers.

Trying her best not to panic, Freen looked around the room in hopes of finding any sign that Nita didn’t leave with the intention of never coming back.

As her search became more frantic,
Freen felt her foot snag on something poking out from under the bed. She quickly knelt down and pulled out the fully packed duffle bag.

She puffed out a breath of relief when she realized Nita hadn’t run away, but then it dawned on her why the girl had everything put away.

Nita was ready for Freen to send her away.

Freen couldn’t help the sadness that washed over her and the tears that flooded her eyes.

-----

Becky was in the midst of monitoring her eight grade English class test when a text from Freen arrived on her phone.

Freen Sarocha: Nita went to school without telling me this morning. Can you do me a favour and keep an out for her?

Becky looked around her room for a minute before texting the other woman back.

RPA: Of course. Did you get a chance to talk to her yet?

Two minutes passed before Freen responded.

Freen Sarocha: Not yet. She was holed up in her room all of yesterday. I don’t even think she’s had anything to eat since Saturday.

RPA: I’ll keep an eye out for her. She’s in my next block. Hopefully she’ll let you talk to her when she gets home.

Freen Sarocha: Fingers crossed.

Becky allowed their conversation to end at that, returning her attention to her students who were already sneaking glances at one another when they noticed she wasn’t looking at them.

“Eyes on your own papers, please,” Becky warned.

-----

Nita sluggishly walked to her last class of the day and plopped into her usual seat in the back corner.

While school offered the sweet relief of not being cornered by Freen or taken away by P'Beer, it took an exhausting amount of effort to stay alert in class.

She was running on nothing at this point as she’d opted to keep the food for later and only managed to drink some water from the school fountains.

Arriving at her English class, Nita groaned when she realized that today was a test day and that she had fucked up and forgot to study.

Becky went through her classic rendition of reminding the students not to cheat and to be creative before handing out the test papers.

Nita automatically felt tears of frustration well in her eyes as she looked over the test before her. This was the last thing she needed after the last 36 hours she had.

When everyone was settled and immersed in their tests, Becky approached her desk and crouched by her side.

Nita did her best to bite back her tears and keep her leg from bouncing in apprehension. She really did not need another adult to push her over the edge emotionally.

“Come with me for a second, okay?” Becky asked, leaving very little room for arguments.

Nita stiffly got out of her seat and grabbed her bag, leaving the test behind. Becky gave a reminder of the integrity rule to her students before following Nita out of the room.

“Today doesn’t seem like a great day for you,” Becky started to explain to Nita, who’s gaze was locked firmly on her shoes as to keep the tears at bay.

“I’m pushing your test to Friday, and I’m taking you to the req room so you can relax, okay?”

Nita was slightly baffled at the random act of kindness. Sure, she was tense and bouncing her legs like crazy when the test was being handed out, but she was shocked that her teacher would perceive that as a sign that she needed time to re-coup.

“Why?” Nita croaked out, still doing a stellar job at not letting her tears fall. Never in front of adults, she reminded herself.

“Call it a hunch,” Becky said, smiling kindly at Nita. “C’mon, I even have something for you to eat.”

Not five minutes later, Becky was leaving Nita in the small req room with the lights off and two granola bars on the table beside her. She told Nita that she was welcome to draw, read, sleep, or even take a walk in the schoolyard.

All she asked was that Nita didn’t leave the school grounds until the final bell of the day.

The teen was quick to agree, and when she was finally left alone, she ate the granola bars and curled up on one of the couches in the room, allowing herself to take a short nap before she had to go home and find a way to sneak past Freen.

-----

Freen waited in the drop-off/pickup zone of the school, her fingers tapping her steering wheel unsurely as she waited for Nita to exit the school.

The bell had rung two minutes ago, and kids were already filtering out of the school and towards parked cars, but there was no sign of Nita anywhere.

Just as her anxiety peaked, a set of knuckles were rapping on Freen's passenger window, causing her to jump before she recognized Becky.

Quickly, Freen rolled down the window, allowing Becky to lean against the door and smile at her. Freen felt like she made a good call covering her bruise with makeup before she left the house.

“Hey,” Freen breathed out, a smile also coming to her face.

“Hi,” Becky happily returned. “ Pranita is on her way out. I let her take a break in a quiet room while her classmates wrote a test. I also gave her some food. I hope that’s alright.”

“Thank you so much, Becky. You’re amazing,” Freen said, already feeling a little less guilty about Nita running away to school. At least she could count on Becky to help Nita out.

“It was no problem. She’s going to have to write her test on Friday, but she’s smart. I’m sure she’ll do fine.”

“Hi, Ms. Armstrong,”

Emily's little voice croaked from the back. She was still dressed in her pyjamas and was clutching to her bunny instead of her book, making her seem much younger than six.

“Hey, sweetie. Your Mama told me you were sick,” Becky said, neither women paying much mind about how she called Freen Emily's ‘Mama’ instead of ‘foster mom.’ “How’re you feeling?”

“Icky. But Freen gave me lots of cuddles and let me watch movies all day,” Emily said past a stuffy nose.

“She’s been going between names all day,” Freen explained to Becky, addressing Emily's decision to call her ‘Freen.’

“Lucky girl,” Becky said to Emily, giving her a wink. “I would love to stay home and watch movies all day too.”

“It’s lots’o’fun,” Emily said, nodding her head.

“Well, I hope you feel better soon so you can come show me what book your reading.”

“Ka,” Emily tiredly agreed before returning her attention to her bunny.

Becky looked behind herself and then back to Freen to see if Nita had found her way outside yet.

“So, I talked to Charlotte and she said that the first practice for her beginner girls starts on Friday at 4. I know you haven’t spoken to Pranita yet, but if she’s interested Charlotte said she has some spots left and will gladly take her in.”

“That’s so nice of her. Thank you ka, and tell her I said thanks as well. I’m going to talk to Nita about it today and I’ll call Charlotte no later than tomorrow.”

“Speaking off, I can see Pranita coming out now. I’ll send her your way,” Becky said, starting to stand up straight. “Bye you two,” Becky said, waving the two people in the car goodbye before she hurried to Nita who looked ready to walk away from the school.

From the distance, Freen could see Becky point Nita in the direction of the car.

The poor teen’s face went from shock, to fear, to her regular scowl.

It occurred to Freen that Nita could always bolt, but it was a pleasant surprise when the teen didn’t fight Becky and walked over to the car.

“Hi, P'Nita!” Emily greeted when her sister opened the door to the backseat and took a seat next to her.

“How was school?” Freen asked, keeping her tone kind as to not anger Nita.

Nita didn’t respond. Much rather, she turned in her seat and looked out the window, a clear sign she was tuning out her foster mom and sister.

“Okay then,” Freen sighed, starting the car and pulling away from the school.

-----

Nita did her best to think of a way to get away from Freen the minute they got home, but it proved to be difficult as she had Emily cling to her all the way into the house.

Once Nita managed to set Emily down in the living room, the teen turned to rush up the stairs, but Freen spoke up and stopped her in her tracks.

“Nita, can we please talk for a minute?”

Nita remained silent but complied with Freen's request. She approached the foster mom who had taken a seat on one of the barstools at the kitchen island, but kept a good five feet away incase Freen snapped and reached for her.

“What happened two days ago was inappropriate, but I think you know that,” Freen began, to which Nita remained silent.

She was waiting for the explosion, or the mean words, or the threats to come flying at her.

“I don’t want to make any hasty decisions, especially since we have Emily to think about.”

Nita glanced at the living room where Emily had returned to a set of legos and her movie. At least Freen was looking out for her best interest.

“I think it would be best if we came up with a plan to manage some of your anger.”

Nita couldn’t help her scowl, nor could she help the feeling of anger that flooded her. She felt herself growing defensive but knew better than to react.

“I’m going to talk to P'Beer about getting you into some private therapy instead of group therapy. I also talked to a friend who has a sister that coach’s hockey. Maybe it would help if you had an outlet to release some of that anger.”

“I’ve never played hockey,” Nita managed to say, her voice quieter than normal.

“That’s okay. It’s a beginner’s league. She’ll teach you how to play. Besides, Emily mentioned that you know how to skate, so you already have that covered. But I don’t want to make these decisions for you. I need you to communicate with me and tell me if these are things you want.”

Nita stayed silent again, allowing herself to mull over the options laid out for her.

She could say no, but deep down she knew that by doing that she’d be reducing Freen's options and would basically be asking to be put back into the system.

Therapy, in general, didn’t appeal to Nita at all, but she knew that by accepting hockey, she’d also have to accept the conditions that Freen put around it (therapy included). But the thought of playing a sport was appealing to the teen.

Before being taken from her mom, Nita took free skating lessons at their local community center and had become quite good on the ice before she was put into the system.

The prospect of getting back into a rink was undeniably appealing to Nita.

Freen waited patiently for Nita to come to her own conclusion. She didn’t speak, she didn’t walk away, she just sat there patiently as Nita chewed her inner cheek and looked at her feet.

“Okay,” Nita finally agreed, making Freen smile lightly.

It was a breakthrough; a small one, but a breakthrough, nonetheless.

“Okay ka, good,” Freen said, getting up from her seat.

Nita instinctively took a step back, but
Freen didn’t seem to notice or react.

“So I’ll get everything arranged. Your first practice is going to be on Friday after school so we might have to go and get you some proper gear before that.”

Nita nodded and shuffled backward slowly.

“You’re free to go,” Freen reassured, allowing the teen to turn on her heel and head for the stairs again.

Halfway up Nita stopped and whispered out something that Freen hardly caught.

“Thank you.”

And with that, the teen disappeared to her room once more.

-----

That night, Nita joined Freen and Emily for dinner, though she continued to hold her tongue and only really spoke if she felt like it was necessary.

Emily, despite being perkier in the day, was starting to crash, and as a consequence was throwing a fit against eating her dinner.

“Please, Bubs. Just a few bites,” Freen said, sliding Emily's plate of toast closer to the scowling six-year-old.

“I don’t want,” Emily croaked out, tears of frustration welling in her eyes.

“Eating will help you get better sooner,” Freen tried convincing, but she was only met with more head shaking.

Despite Freen leaving Emily alone, the little one was clearly getting more irritated about having to sit at the table. To Freen, Emily looked more like Nita than ever before with her angry scowl and crossed arms.

“ Nita,” Freen began, deciding to give Emily some space. “I got into contact with your new coach and she sent me a list of things we need to get for you before Friday. Maybe we can go get them on Wednesday?”

“Okay,” Nita agreed, stabbing a piece of broccoli with her fork and staring at it for a few seconds before eating it. “I have some money-,”

“No way,” Freen interrupted, shaking her head. “I’ve got it covered, okay? All I want is for you to give it a shot.”

Nita nodded and ducked her head.

If Freen wasn’t mistaken, she could see a hint of a smile appear on the girl’s face before she hid it.

Nita seemed prepared to say something back, but before she could Emily was angrily shoving her plate to the ground and standing up from the table.

Both Nita and Freen were jumping up when the plate crashed to the ground.

“I don’t want to eat!” Emily cried loudly as large tears fell down her cheeks.

“Em..,” Freen sighed as Nita quickly knelt down to pick up the broken shards of plate.

The whole situation was becoming more and more chaotic, and after the last incident, no one was quite sure how to handle everything.

“ Emily, listen to me,” Freen said as she crouched down and held both of Emily's upper arms gently.

“This behaviour is not okay. I know you don’t feel good, and I know you don’t want to eat, but talking works much better than yelling. Now, I need you to take a few deep breaths,” Freen instructed, taking three deep breaths with her foster daughter before continuing, “Good girl. Can you please tell me what you need without yelling?”

“I wan-na sleep,” Emily hiccupped, using her sleeve to wipe her cheeks.

“That’s much better,” Freen said, grabbing Emily's tissue from the table and helping the girl clear her nose. “Why don’t you head upstairs, okay? I’ll help you get ready for bed in a minute.”

Emily nodded her agreement before heading for the stairs.

With one kid dealt with, Freen turned her attention to Nita who, for the first time ever, didn’t intervene when she tried to discipline Emily.

Nita was grasping to shards of plate in an effort to disguise the aggressive shaking of her hands.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Freen said, reaching for the teen’s hands. Before she could touch her, Nita was quickly dropping the pieces of plate and shuffling away from Freen.

Her chest was heaving and if Freen weren’t mistaken, the girl was having a panic attack.

“ Nita, everything is okay. You and
Emily are safe,” Freen softly reassured.

“I- I just-,” Nita stumbled through her words, still looking at the broken plate on the floor.

“Deep breathes, Nita,” Freen said, reaching for the teen once more. “C’mon, let me-,”

“No!” Nita cried out, moving to cover herself with her arms. “Please, don’t,” the teen whimpered, fighting her tears as she scrambled to her feet.

“ Nita, you’re safe, okay? Why don’t you go to your room and take a breather?” Freen suggested, to which the teen nodded and scurried away.

Now left alone in the kitchen, Freen puffed out a stressed breath and tackled the clean up of the broken plate, and the dishes on the table.

Once the kitchen was re-organized, Freen ventured her way upstairs to get Emily setup for bed.

Freen walked into her room to find Nita tucking Emily into the large bed and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

The little one was dressed in her pyjamas, and Nita was seemingly more composed than when Freen last saw her.

“Thanks for doing that,” Freen said softly, as to not spook either girl.

“She’s my sister,” Nita mumbled as she adjusted Emily's blanket.

“She’s my responsibility.”

To be continued...