"grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. all we can do it learn to swim" - vicki harrison

-----

After their late-night existential crisis engagement, Freen and Becky decided to keep their new status on the down-low for a little while.

They mainly did so for selfish reasons, as they wanted to enjoy their engagement privately before their whole family started swarming them with questions about a wedding and all of the fun little details that came with it.

Despite their silence, they still decided to buy rings for each other as a way to really solidify the proposal and give each other something to look forward to.

Nita and Emily never seemed to really pick up on the new jewelry, and if they did, they never questioned it, but Freen and Becky knew they would have to tell them soon, especially since they wanted the girls to be the first people to know.

Before that could happen, however, Freen and Becky had a more important day to attend to: the first day of school.

Freen and Becky got up far earlier than necessary on the first day back. Becky wanted to get back to her early morning runs before looking over her teaching notes one final time, and Freen wanted to make the girls a special pancake breakfast.

While Becky was out on her 6am run, Freen got to work finding the perfect pancake recipe and following it to a tee.

It was as Freen poured the first pancake out that Becky returned, breathless and sweaty, but much more lively than she was thirty minutes ago.

“It took you thirty minutes to make the batter?” Becky asked as she dipped her finger into the bowl to taste it.

“No,” Freen said as she swatted the offensive hand away. “I messed up the first batch,” Freen explained, making Becky wiggle her eyebrows.

“What’d you do?” Becky asked as she snuck a second taste of the batter.

“I put salt instead of sugar,” Freen explained, making her fiancé laugh.

“I’m going to take a wild guess on how you figured that out,” Becky teased as she took a bit of batter onto her finger which she then playfully tapped onto Freen's nose.

“I still taste the salt on my tongue,” Freen said as she scrunched up her nose and wiped the batter off of it with the kitchen towel.

“My poor baby,” Becky cooed before kissing Freen. “Hmm, salty,” Becky hummed thoughtfully, making Freen whack her with the towel she still held.

“Be nice!” Freen insisted, making Becky laugh as she stepped away from the offensive whack.

“I’m kidding. Please save me one of those delicious new pancakes. I’m going to take a quick shower,” Becky said, kissing Freen once more before she hurried upstairs.

Freen returned to her pancake on the stove and transferred it to a plate when it became a nice golden brown. Freen quickly made a second pancake, which she put onto a separate plate before she turned the stove off.

Turning her attention back to the pancakes, Freen used a canister of whipped cream to draw smiley faces onto them before using chocolate to add some extra decoration.

Once she was pleased with how they looked, Freen grabbed the plates and headed up the stairs.

As quietly as possible, Freen crept her way into the girls’ room and set one of the plates down on the nightstand before turning to a still sleeping Emily.

Freen sat next to Emily and carefully brought the plate under the child’s nose, allowing the sweet smell to stir her awake.

“Mama?” Emily mumbled as she sniffed the air.

Freen stifled a laugh as she reached down and brushed some of Emily's bedhead from her face.

“Good morning, babygirl. Do you know what day it is?” Freen asked as she pulled the plate away from Emily's nose and allowed the little girl to sleepily sit up.

“First day of school,” Emily smiled before a large yawn overcame her.

As she yawned, Emily rubbed her eyes, allowing her to take notice of the pancake that Freen still held.

“Is that for me?”The seven-year-old asked excitedly, making Freen nod her agreement.

“Of course it is! This is the super-special first day of school breakfast I was talking about,” Freen said all in one breath, making Emily giggle excitedly before she took the plate. “Go downstairs and start eating. I put your favourite movie on the TV. You just have to hit play,” Freen instructed, making Emily nod before she hurried out of the room.

Once the girl was gone, Freen turned her attention to Nita who was peacefully sleeping with her earbuds securely in her ears still. Carefully, Freen switched beds and gently pulled the earbuds out.

“Wake up, babygirl,” Freen whispered as she used her hand to rub Nita's back.

“Mmm,” Nita groaned as she started to stir from her sleep.

“C’mon. I have a special treat for you,” Freen said, hoping to get Nita to respond more.

“What is it?” Nita mumbled as she kept her eyes shut.

“A super special first day of school and first hockey game of the season breakfast,” Freen said, making Nita smirk slightly.

“That’s a mouthful,” the teen said as she finally opened her eyes and looked at Freen. “You have my attention, though.”

Freen smiled and reached for the plate as Nita pushed herself onto her elbows so she could see what her foster mother handed her better.

“A happy pancake,” Nita said as she gave Freen a small smile and accepted the plate.

“I want you to have a happy start to a good day,” Freen explained, making the teen nod.

“And you already know it’s going to be a good day?” Nita asked as she dipped her finger in the whipped cream.

“Without a doubt. Any day that starts with a smiley face pancake is a good one,” Freen said, making the teen frown slightly.

“I have a bad feeling,” the teen said, making Freen's smile fall.

“What kind of feeling?” Freen asked as she reached up to touch Nita's forehead. She wasn’t sick by the looks of it.

“I can’t explain it. I just don’t think it’s going to be a good day,” Nita explained. “Maybe I should stay home and try again tomorrow,” Nita suggested, making Freen laugh and shake her head.

“You’ll never know what kind of day it is until you actually get out there,” Freen said as she playfully took a bit of whipped cream to put on Nita's nose, making the teen smile a small smile.

“And no matter what kind of day it is, you can always count on me to try to make it better,” Freen promised, making Nita nod lightly as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “Now what do you say we go downstairs and try to have a good start?”

“Okay ka,” Nita agreed, though it was clear as day that she wasn’t entirely convinced.

Nita was still sure that today was going to be a bad day. She just couldn’t pinpoint why.

-----

“Remind me again why we’re so early?” Nita said as she walked alongside Becky and Emily in the nearly empty school.

“I have to set up my classroom and Freen couldn’t drive you guys because she had an early client to meet. Plus, it’s pouring rain outside and I doubt either of you wanted to walk in that,” Becky said, making Nita sigh before she nodded her agreement.

“This isn’t going to be a normal thing, right?” Nita asked as she walked into Becky's English room.

Seeing as this was her homeroom this year, and that her first period of the day was Becky's English 11 class, Nita went to stake a claim over her desk in the back corner of the room.

“I promise, no more early mornings for you two,” Becky said, as she pulled out her large binder with all of her class information.

“ Becky, am I in any of your classes?” Emily asked as she climbed onto Becky's desk chair and looked at the binder that the older woman was flipping through.

“No, Emi Bear. You have Mr. Non in grade 2, remember?”

“But I’m a good reader. Can’t I be in your English class instead?” Emily asked, making the teacher chuckle.

“Mr. Non still has to teach you math, nong,” Nita said to her little sister who shook her head.

“I can add. Ms. Mint taught me last year.”

“Okay, smarty pants. Let’s see if you can use your math in the real world,” Nita said, deciding to test her little sister’s claim that she was all good in the math department. “Let’s say Freen has 15 eggs to make a bread-,”

“You don’t actually need eggs to make bread,” Becky interrupted, making the teen give her a ‘WTF’ look before she returned her attention to Emily.

“Anyways. Freen has 15 eggs, but she drops five. She asks Becky for some eggs, but she only gives Freen 3. How many eggs does Freen still need to make her bread?” Nita asked, making Becky tilt her head in confusion and Emily pretend to count the answer on her fingers.

“I got it!” Emily declared, making Becky look at her in surprise and Nita smirk.

“Go on then,” the teen prompted.

“None! Because you don’t need eggs to make bread!” Emily stated, making Becky laugh and Nita roll her eyes.

“This is why you should’ve let me finish the question,” Nita said to Becky who was too busy laughing at Emily's response.

“ Emi Bear, you smart, smart girl,” Becky praised.

“The answer was two, by the way,” Nita said, making Emily stick her tongue out at her. “This is why you have to go to grade two before you can come to Becky's English class.”

“Just a few more years,” Becky promised to the little girl who pouted and crossed her arms.

“Math is stupid. When I grow up, I’m going to read books all day.”

Becky laughed once more and playfully tickled the girl. Nita smiled softly as she watched the interaction before her sleepiness got the better of her and she rested her head onto her desk.

“Are you falling asleep in my class?” Becky asked, making Nita shrug.

“You dragged me here before 7:30.”

“Fair enough. I’ll wake you before others come in,” Becky promised before she took off her blazer and approached the teen.

Carefully, Becky draped her blazer over Nita's shoulders. She didn’t see the small smile that came to Nita, but she was sure nonetheless that the teen appreciated it.

-----

As the day progressed, Nita continued to struggle with the feeling she had earlier that morning.

Something just wasn’t right, but she still couldn’t figure out what it was. Because of the heavy rain outside, Nita decided to spend her lunch in Becky's classroom, something the older woman happily welcomed.

They ate their lunches and made small talk before falling into their silent activities. Becky organized her lesson plan for the next class and Nita sketched.

When the bell rang for Nita to head to her math class, the teen paused at the door and turned to Becky with a smile on her face.

“Thanks for letting me sit in here with you.”

“Anytime,” Becky said as she returned the smile. “Now get going before you’re late.”

Nita nodded and left the classroom with that, feeling a bit better after her alone time with Becky which eased some of her anxiety about what she thought was to come.

It was barely ten minutes into her math class when a call to her teacher interrupted the introductory lesson.

Nita's math teacher answered the call and glanced right at Nita before nodding and agreeing to send her down.

“ Pranita, you’re needed at the office,” the teacher said, making Nita blanche slightly. How was she already in trouble on the first day?

“Go on. Take your things,” the teacher encouraged, snapping Nita out of her slight stupor.

In a slight frenzy, Nita grabbed her bag and hurried to leave the classroom. The sound of the lesson continuing could be heard past the shut door.

Deciding to just bite the bullet and get it over with, Nita hurried towards the office and approached the principal’s door.

After knocking twice, Nita heard the voice of someone other than Araya telling her to come in. Nita pushed the door open to reveal Vice-Principal Tony sitting at Araya's desk.

Across from him sat Emily, and behind her was P'Beer who seemed slightly frazzled.

“What’s going on?” Nita asked slowly as she remained at the door in case she needed to escape.

“Please, take a seat. Shut the door behind yourself,” Mr. Tony said as he motioned to the other seat across from him.

Nita slowly shut the door behind herself before taking the seat that her vice principal motioned at.

“Your social worker needed to speak with you girls immediately,” Mr. Tony explained, handing the torch over to P'Beer who stepped in front of the girls.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news, girls,” P'Beer began to say, making Nita sit on the edge of her seat and Emily look up at her expectantly.

“What is it?” Nita asked, her patience starting to run thin.

“I went to check in with your mother about your visitation this weekend,” P'Beer said, making Nita nod.

“And? Is she okay? Does she need to move it?” Nita asked, feeling her stomach slowly turn to stone as the dread from earlier that morning started to fill her once again.

“She didn’t come to the door,” P'Beer explained, clearly starting to pick her words wisely. “I got worried and called for help. When they got in-,” P'Beer paused, making Nita shake her head.

“No,” Nita whispered, already knowing where P'Beer was taking this.

“Your mother overdosed and was found dead,” P'Beer finally got out.

“No, but she was better,” Nita argued, shaking her head even more. “She was clean. She wasn’t-, I didn’t-.”

“Mommy’s dead?” Emily asked softly as she looked at P'Beer who could only nod her agreement.

“I am so sorry, girls. Your mother’s landlord had her suspicions that she was using again for over two months now. She mentioned a lot of strange people lurking around the area that your mother would meet up with.”

“But she was clean!” Nita yelled, not allowing herself to accept that her mother was gone. “She said she was clean and that she was going to get us back.”

“She was never clean, Nita,” P'Beer said gently. “She just made us think she was.”

“No! This is all my fault,” Nita said, standing up in a haste and rubbing her face. “Fuck! I did this,” the teen cried out as she began to hyperventilate.

“I want Becky,” Emily said as she started to cry in her seat.

“It was all my fault,” Nita continued to rant.

P'Beer reached out to touch the teen, but her hand was slapped away aggressively.

“Don’t touch me!” the teen sobbed out as she backed her way to the door. “I can’t do this,” the girl finally said before opening the door and running out.

“ Nita!” P'Beer said as she went to follow the girl.

“I want Becky!” Emily sobbed out, making the social worker and vice-principal look at the child.

“I’ll give her a call,” Mr. Tony promised as he dialed for Becky's English room.

P'Beer seemed to struggle for a moment. She didn’t know whether to run after Nita or explain what just transpired to Becky. She didn’t get much of a choice as less than a minute later, the English teacher was hurrying into the room and pulling a crying Emily into her arms.

“What’s wrong, baby? What happened?” Becky asked as she pulled back from the embrace slightly to check the girl over for any injuries.

“I just told the girls that their mother passed away,” P'Beer supplied, making Becky look at her in shock, both at the news and at her presence.

“ Khun Mind is dead?” Becky asked, making P'Beer nod her agreement. “Where’s Nita?”

“She ran off. I have no idea where she went,” the social worker explained, making Becky's eyes widen.

“ Mr. Tony, call Freen Sarocha,” Becky instructed the vice principal who nodded his agreement and went about dialing the number that Becky verbalized.

“What were you thinking, P'Beer? You should’ve waited until Freen was there,” Becky berated, making the social worker nod her agreement.

“I know, but they deserved to know. I tried calling Freen on my way over here, but she never answered.”

“That doesn’t excuse any of this!” Becky insisted as she raised her voice. Emily seemed to cry a bit louder at the argument, which made the woman take it down quite a bit.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” Becky whispered to Emily as she continued to hold her close and rub her back.

“Ms. Freen will be here in ten minutes,” Mr. Tony said once he ended his call with Freen.

“Thank you,” Becky sighed out before she shot a nasty glare at P'Beer. “You better hope Nita doesn’t get very far.”

“You can go after her if you’d like,” P'Beer offered as she reached for Emily.

“No,” Becky sneered as she held Emily further from the social worker. “She needs me right now. Just like Nita needed someone she trusted in this room when you told them about their mother.”

“She doesn’t trust anyone-,”

“She trusts Freen. After everything that’s happened between them, she trusts Freen. You should’ve waited.”

-----

Nita couldn’t breathe. It was different from her panic attacks, though. This kind of air deprivation came from deep within her chest. It was like her ribs were squeezing,

squeezing

squeezing,

and she couldn’t make it stop. She couldn’t force her ribs to release her lungs and let her get some air.

But part of her didn’t want to breathe. She didn’t want to live with the thought that her mother was gone. She killed her own mother with her selfishness.

It was all her fault.

So the squeezing, as painful as it was, felt deserved.

Without paying much mind as to where her feet were taking her, Nita started to head in the direction of Freen and Becky's home. She felt lost without her mother but she was quick to run to the safety of the home she refused to consider her own.

Which is why, when she became more aware of where her body wanted to go, she stopped.

Her knees buckled, her body wavered, and before Nita could stop herself she was falling down onto her knees. When she came into contact with the muddy grass below her, Nita finally felt her ribs release their painful vice.

With her first proper breath in, Nita's released an earthshaking sob. It came from deep within her soul and with it came all of the pain she felt. All of the guilt, the anguish, the disappointment that her mother would never be able to take her home.

All Nita ever wanted was for her mother to love her enough to come back for her. But here she was; wet, alone, and waiting for the universe to finally give her what she’s wanted all along: a parent to love her.

But the universe was unkind.

And Nita never got what she wanted.

-----

When Freen received the call from the vice principal that she was needed at the school immediately she was able to hear Becky yelling at someone in the background.

In fear that something happened to one of the girls, Freen rushed out and sped her way over to the school, managing to cut her ten-minute drive down to seven minutes.

After parking haphazardly in the teacher’s lot, Freen ran through the heavy downpour and into the school where she was instantly greeted with Emily's crying. It was flowing through the ajar door of the principal’s office.

Pushing it open, Freen instantly zoned in on Becky who was holding a sobbing Emily in her arms as they sat in one of the chairs.

“What happened?” Freen asked as she rushed to her daughter’s side and brushed a hand over her wet cheek.

“ Bec?” Freen asked when Emily refused to reply.

“ P'Beer told the girls that Khun Mind is dead,” Becky explained in a whisper, hoping not to upset Emily any further.

“Excuse me?” Freen snapped as she turned to look at P'Beer. “Where’s Nita?”

“She ran off after I told them,” P'Beer said, making Freen whip back to Becky.

“She didn’t have me here when she told them. Mr. Tony gave me a call when Emily asked for me,” Becky said, making Freen practically fume in her seat.

“What the hell, P'Beer!” Freen snapped as she got up. “Who gave you permission to drop a bomb like that on the kids without having one of us around?”

“I tried to call you,” P'Beer said in her own defense.

“Then you should’ve kept trying. That is not something you tell without me, P'Beer! God- how long ago did she run off?” Freen asked as she looked between everyone in the room.

“It’s been close to fifteen minutes,” Becky said, making Freen's eyes widen.

“I can’t believe you,” Freen snapped at P'Beer before she turned back to Emily and approached the little girl. “Baby, stay with Becky, okay? Mama has to go find P'Nita,” Freen said before dropping a kiss to the child’s forehead.

“Mama,” Emily cried as she reached for the foster mom.

“Mama needs to find your sister. C’mon, I’ll give you a hug,” Becky promised as she held the girl closer and allowed Freen the opportunity to leave.

With one thankful glance at her fiancé and one nasty glare at P'Beer, Freen hurried out of the school and went back to her car.

All she had to do was figure out where her girl would go after being delivered that earth-shattering news. She eventually decided to simply search everywhere that was within a mile from the school.

After driving around for a good ten minutes, Freen felt her desperation grow as well as her panic. It was still raining a ridiculous amount, and the rolling thunder in the distance explained the dark gray storm clouds that were brewing above.

The heavy rain was already making it difficult for Freen to search amongst the faces for Nita, but the added issue of light, or lack thereof, was obscuring her sight and making it near impossible to decipher who she was driving by.

Another ten minutes passed, and Freen was growing tempted to make emergency call despite Nita being gone for under an hour. For all the she knew, Nita would go home later after taking some time to herself.

But Freen just knew she needed to find her and be there for her. It was her job as a mom, even if she wasn’t accepted as such by one of her kids.

It was as Freen came across a small park near their home that she noticed a lump lying in the grass. It could’ve been anything – a bag, a small cushion, an animal – but something gnawed at the pit of Freen's stomach and told her that it was none of those things and she should go look.

In a haste, Freen parked her car before running across the muddy field towards the lump which slowly took the form of a human that was knelt over their knees and shaking aggressively.

“ Nita,” Freen sighed when she realized that it was in fact her child. “Oh baby,” Freen whispered as she fell to her knees beside the teen, allowing her to finally hear that heartbreaking wails that Nita released into her hands.

“I’m so sorry,” Freen said as she gently rubbed Nita's soaked back and leaned forward to press a kiss to the back of her head.

Nita cried even harder at the contact but didn’t move away from it. Much rather, Nita sat up to reveal her red-rimmed eyes and quivering lip. The sight nearly made Freen cry as well.

“She’s gone,” Nita whimpered, to which Freen nodded her understanding.

“I know,” the older woman said as Nita fell into her embrace and continued to cry. “I’ve got you, baby. I’m here.”

Despite the rain, and the thunder that rumbled and groaned above them, Freen and Nita continued to sit in the middle of the park. They were drenched but didn’t seem to care as one was too busy falling apart and the other was doing her very best to gather the pieces to put back together again.

To be continued...