"who on earth would not long to be fought for? is this not the very heart of human existence, to be worth fighting for, worth losing everything for?" - andrew sean greer

-----

When P'Beer stops by for her next home visit, Freen is much more prepared.

The house, despite looking lived in, had some sense of order, and Nita opted to not make pancakes that morning, which was a good bonus.

After running through her routine checklist and speaking with the girls in private, P'Beer sat with Freen at the kitchen table to go over what’s been running through Freen's mind.

“I have a good idea of what you want to ask, but why don’t you go ahead and tell me,” P'Beer said as she sipped a glass of water.

“I want to adopt the girls,” Freen said softly, doing her best to prevent the girls from hearing her from upstairs.

“I must say, I’m a bit surprised,” P'Beer said as she smiled lightly. “I saw it coming, but this is a drastic change from just a few months back.”

“I’ve really fallen for them. I can’t imagine my life without them,” Freen said, her excited smile growing some more.

“I can definitely look into it for you, but you have to remember that this sort of stuff isn’t a guarantee. I don’t want you to get your hopes up,” P'Beer reminded, sobering Freen a bit.

“I know. I know, I just, I still want to try,” Freen said, making P'Beer nod and pull something out from her bag.

“These things also take time. Nita could age out of the system before you are able to adopt them.”

“I’ll just adopt Emily then. I want to do this, P'Beer. I really do.”

P'Beer sorted through her bag some more before pulling out two pamphlets and setting them down in front of Freen.

“This has information about foster to adoption,” P'Beer said as she pointed to one pamphlet. “And this one has information about adopting a legal adult. If Nita ages out, you are still able to become her legal guardian.”

“I’ll do that then. I’ll make these girls my legal children no matter what,” Freen said, a certain finality in her tone that proved she would jump through whatever hoops she had to in order to be the legal mother of both her girls.

“I’ll do what I can for your family then,” P'Beer promised, making Freen smile grateful.

-----

After speaking to P'Beer, Nita and Emily stayed in their room to give the two women some privacy downstairs.

It wasn't long after P'Beer left them alone, however, that Nita felt the urge to pee.

Moving quickly, the teen left her room and walked to the washroom. Just as she stepped past the threshold, Nita caught the tail end of something Freen said.

“I’ll just adopt Emily then. I want to do this, P'Beer. I really do.”

Nita felt like a stone had been dropped in her stomach. She wasn’t sure if she was going to be sick, or if she was going to punch a wall.

Freen didn’t want her. It didn’t surprise Nita. Not one bit. But it hurt, and Nita wasn’t entirely sure why that was.

Maybe it was because she thought Freen was kinder than that. That Freen would be nice enough to Emily to adopt the both of them. But maybe Emily didn’t need her anymore, and that’s why Freen was going to adopt her alone.

She’d get Emily and Nita would go back into the system and everything would be good and normal in their lives. No more back-talk, no more yelling. Just peace.

Nita was the chaos that people didn’t want in their lives. She was disposable, so she should’ve seen it coming. But she didn’t.

And it hurt.

And Nita felt smaller than ever before as she curled up on the bathroom floor and let the panic attack take over her body.

-----

The same day as P'Beer's check-in, Nita had a big hockey game that warranted the presence of Becky's siblings and their significant others.

The teen didn’t want a big crowd, but Becky promised to keep the group under control and at the back of the bleachers so then they wouldn’t throw her off her game.

Before it was time to leave for the game, Freen made Nita a special dinner and went upstairs to bring the girl down to eat.

“ Nita, I made you something to eat,” Freen said as she walked into the room.

Nita was in the midst of packing her gear, but the glare she shot at Freen was unexpected on the mom's end.

“I’m not hungry,” Nita mumbled as she shoved her hockey pants into her bag.

“You should eat something, though. It’ll help you concentrate more on the ice,” Freen said, only receiving a second glare.

“I said, I’m not hungry. Now get out!” Nita barked, making Freen raise her eyebrows in surprise.

“What’s going on? Are you stressed about the game?”

“No! I don’t want to eat, and I don’t want you to bother me. Get out!” Nita yelled again.

Freen took a step back and raised her hands in surrender this time.

“Okay ka. I don’t know what’s wrong, but you need to take a breather. If you want to talk, I’ll be downstairs with Emi.”

With that, Freen left the room, leaving Nita to continue packing her bag in a huff. Just as she shoved her jersey into it, a stray tear tumbled down her cheek and landed on the navy-blue material.

“Fuck,” Nita whispered as she wiped her face with her hands.

She swore she wouldn’t let what happened earlier bug her, but clearly, she couldn’t control it. She was pissed, and her anger was reaching a boiling point.

She only hoped that she could control it on the ice.

-----

After leaving Nita at the changing rooms, Freen led Emily over to their group who were carrying signs with Nita's name and number on them.

“Isn’t this exciting?” Taran gushed when Freen joined them, making the mom smile weakly.

“What’s going on?” Becky asked, instantly picking up on Freen's downtrodden attitude.

“ Nita's livid. I don’t know what happened but she’s so angry today. Just on the ride over she nearly tore my head off for suggesting that we go out for ice cream after the game.”

“Maybe she’s stressed?” Becky suggested as she watched Emily and Athita excitedly wave team Diversity flags that Marima handed to them.

“Maybe, but she hasn’t been this angry in a long time. I’m genuinely concerned for the other players today,” Freen said, as she rubbed the bridge of her nose.

“I wouldn’t get too worried,” Becky said as she nodded in the direction of two girls from the opposing team.

They were tall girls who clearly carried themselves in a way that suggested they couldn’t be pushed around.

“Holy fuck, they’re like 7’ feet tall!” Engfa commented, making Freen glare at her for her language.

“Try, 6’1”. You were close though,” Taran said, making Engfa roll her eyes.

“You know what I mean. Nita's is like 5’1”? 5’2”?” Engfa asked, making Freen shrug.

“She’s still got some wicked aggression to burn off. Maybe it’s a good thing those girls are so big. Less damage,” Freen said, making Becky look at her in concern.

“You know, if it’s that bad maybe you should talk to Char. It would be really bad if Nita hurt someone else or herself for that matter.”

“And risk making her more pissed at me? No way. I trust Char. She’ll be able to read Nita well enough,” Freen said, giving up full control to the coach.

“ Freen-,” Becky started to say, only to be interrupted by their group saying it was time to head into the rink.

“She’ll be fine, Bec,” Freen eased as she took her girlfriend’s hand. “If I see it escalating, I’ll talk to Char, okay?”

“Okay,” Becky agreed as she went towards their usual bench at the top.

The crowd was larger than usual, but it was clear which player had the most support in the stands.

When number 28 stepped out onto the ice, the upper section broke out into loud cheers.

Nita clearly ignored them. She was in the zone. She was at her most lethal.

-----

“She needs to stop picking fights,” Freen sighed when the ref blew his whistle and stepped between Nita and one of the larger girls from the opposing team.

They were only halfway through the second period and Nita had gotten into a verbal spat with the same girl four times now.

Charlotte waved Nita over and held to the girl’s helmet cage, a clear sign that her patience was wearing thin and that she was ready to pull Nita from the ice.

The conversation ended with Charlotte patting Nita's arm and sending her back out. They continued from where they were stopped and Nita managed to play a clean ten minutes to end the second period.

Team Diversity was up by 2, which was a good leg to have on the other team, but it definitely wasn’t time to be getting sloppy.

“Jesus, 28!” Another hockey parent cried out when Nita advanced on a player and forced her down onto the ice.

The ref called another penalty and gave the opposing team a penalty shot, which they thankfully missed. Charlotte seemed to signal to Nita that she had one last chance, which the girl took seriously for what could’ve only been a minute.

Nita managed to get another goal for her team, which distracted her from her anger. She seemed to play less aggressively and stole the puck back from the opposing team in a clean, un-penalty worthy way.

As she rounded her team's net in hopes of getting the puck to the other end of the rink, the crowd cheered her for her clean steal.

When Nita prepared to speed forward, the girl that she had been on the ass of the entire game came out of nowhere and slammed her against the sideboard.

There was an audible gasp from the crowd, and Freen was on her feet before she could even see if Nita got up on her own or not. As she rushed down the bleachers and towards the player's box, Freen watched as two of Nita's teammates got her up and helped her towards Charlotte.

It was clear that Nita wasn’t okay, but she’d be dammed if she didn’t fight that too.

-----

Nita could admit to playing dirty. She was letting her emotions dictate her actions too much and it made for some nasty gameplay.

By the third period, she had cleaned up her act a bit and was prepared to assist her team on another goal when an incredible force slammed into her body and forced her to fold over the sideboard.

Her left side took a brunt of the force, and despite the protective layers, Nita knew her ribs took a beating. She was winded and couldn’t help the small coughs she did to try to get some air.

With the help of Minnie and Tria, Nita found herself being brought over to Charlotte who was waiting to check her over.

“What hurts?” Charlotte asked as soon as she was in reaching distance.

“I’m fine,” Nita lied as she struggled to take a proper breath.

“Fine or not, you’re still benched. That was a bad hit,” Charlotte said, making the anger bubble in Nita once more.

“I said- I’m fine!” Nita yelled as she steadied herself on her own and stood independently from Tria and Minnie.

“Bench. Now,” Charlotte said as she pointed to the bench behind her.

“Fuck you!” Nita yelled, most likely loud enough for the entire crowd to hear.

She didn’t care, however, as she stepped into the player's box, chucked her stick to the ground, and marched off to the changing room.

“ Nita, you can’t leave!” Charlotte called after her player.

Freen appeared just as Charlotte looked prepared to go after the teen.

“I’ve got her,” Freen promised, making Charlotte nod and give control over to the mom.

Nita, way ahead of her coach and whoever else tried to follow, entered the locker room and threw her gloves to the ground. She felt like her skin was on fire and all of her layers certainly weren’t helping.

“Fuck!” Nita screamed as she tried to pull her helmet off of her head.

Her breaths started coming in short spurts, and the blacks spots that swam in her vision forced her to sit on the bench as she continued to struggle with her helmet.

Just when she felt ready to explode, Freen entered the room and crouched in front of her.

“ Nita, breathe,” Freen said as she placed a firm hand onto Nita's knee.

“Don’t touch me!” Nita yelled past her broken breaths.

A distressed whimper left the teen’s
mouth as she started to claw at her neck guard with one hand.

“Let’s get this off,” Freen said, ignoring Nita's previous demand.

With a quick motion, Freen unclipped the cage from Nita's helmet and lifted it up and off her head, allowing Nita to feel the smallest bit of relief.

“Lea-ve me a-lone,” Nita sobbed as she fought the remainder of her gear.

“I’m not going to leave,” Freen quietly said, moving on to help remove the girl’s neck guard. It did little to help steady Nita's dangerously erratic breaths, however. “C’mon, baby. You need to take some slower breaths,” Freen said as she pulled Nita's jersey off and then unhooked her shoulder pads.

“Stop-p it-t-t,” Nita sobbed out.

Her body was giving up on her and she seemed entirely unable to get her gear off, let alone push Freen away. Freen ignored her and continued getting her out of the gear.

As Nita's panic attack kept getting worse, Freen managed to get her down to her regular shorts, her sports bra, and her long socks. It came as a small surprise to the mom that Nita had her number 28 pendant still around her neck.

“I-I-I ca-n’t,” Nita cried as she continued to struggle for air.

“You can, baby. You can. Just deep breaths,” Freen coached as she opted to pull the socks off of Nita as well.

“You do-n’t wan-t-t me,” Nita whimpered out, gaining Freen's full attention.

“What, baby?” Freen asked as she cupped the hot, wet cheeks of the panicking girl.

“Yo-u o-only want Emi-ilyy,” Nita managed to sob out.

Freen tried her best to piece together
what Nita was saying. It eventually occurred to her that Nita may have overheard her conversation with P'Beer earlier that day.

“Did you hear me talk to P'Beer?” Freen asked, making Nita nod as she gasped for more air.

“I don’t just want Emily, Nita. I want you too. I want the both of you,” Freen said, making something almost like relief briefly cross Nita's face. “I could never not want you, baby.”

Nita cried a bit harder at that affirmation.

“I need you to breathe now, okay? With me, baby,” Freen coached as she carefully guided one of Nita's hands to rest over the pulse point of her own neck so she could focus on the consistent thumping of her heart.

“You feel that? Focus on it,” Freen said as Nita nodded and closed her eyes.

She let herself feel Freen's heartbeat on her fingertips and tried to ease her choppy breathes into longer, steadier ones.

“You’re almost there, babygirl,” Freen whispered in encouragement. “It’s okay now.”

Nita coughed a bit as she settled her breathing, making Freen reach for the second water bottle in her gear bag and open it.

With gentle movements, Freen helped Nita sip the water and wiped the excess away with her hand.

“Are you hurt?” Freen asked once Nita seemed more stable than before.

“No,” Nita said as she shook her head. She had yet to move her hand from Freen's pulse point.

“Can I check?” Freen asked.

Nita, being too out of it, almost agreed. But then she remembered it was her left side, and then she remembered her scar, which quickly made her shake her head.

“I’m fine,” Nita said as she took her hand from Freen's collar bone and used it to cover her ribs.

Freen seemed to respect her need to keep it covered and reached to grab a fresh shirt and some shoes for Nita to wear.

Without even having to ask, Freen helped ease Nita into the new shirt and then proceeded to fix the shoes onto her feet.

“I can do it,” Nita weakly said when Freen moved to pack up her things.

“I want to,” Freen said as she briefly squeezed one of Nita's hands before moving to pack her things once more. “Now, you have two options. You can go back out to your team or we can go home. You have to decide.”

Nita mulled her options over. Despite losing her cool, Nita had to be there for her team for their second to last game of the season. She also owed P'Char an apology for lashing out. It was clear what her only option was.

“Let’s go back,” Nita said as she shakily got to her feet.

Freen was quick to get to her right side and help escort her back to the rink where the game was on its last five minutes. Team Diversity was up by one and were still fighting to keep their advantage by the looks of it.

Freen helped Nita to the players' box and set her down just as the ref blew his whistle. With the slight distraction, Charlotte turned her attention back to her returned player and crouched in front of her.

“Are you okay, kid? Anything broken?” Charlotte asked as she looked between Nita and Freen.

“Some bruising,” Freen said, as she rubbed Nita's back gently. “It was mainly an emotional situation.”

Charlotte nodded her understanding and gave Nita's knee a supportive squeeze.

“I’m sorry for swearing at you,” Nita said to her coach who waved her off.

“I know you are. Water under the bridge, na?” Charlotte said, making Nita nod and smile weakly.

“I’m going to leave you with Char, but if you need help getting back to locker room you can wave me over, okay?” Freen said as she also crouched next to Nita.

The teen nodded just as the whistle blew, signaling the starting up of the game again.

With that, Charlotte returned to coaching and Freen left Nita with one last hand squeeze.

Nita watched as her team won the game, but she couldn’t help but look over at the bleachers and watch her people cheer for her win.

Her people.

It felt good to think that.

To be continued...