"i'm not brave anymore, darling. i'm all broken. they've broken me" - ernest hemingway

-----

After Christmas break, Freen was extremely pleased to realize that her once small family had grown exponentially thanks to Becky.

Araya and Sunny were so kind and welcoming, so much so that Freen, Becky, and the girls found themselves having dinner at their place at least four more times after the planned Christmas one.

By extension, Becky's siblings had become friends of Freen's and she even texted most of them on a regular basis.

As the small family of three resumed their regular routine, they realized it was now filled with more Becky and, by extension, more of her family, which no one could really complain about.

Freen liked to think that she was cruising now, unlike a few months ago when she was driving on somewhat treacherous terrain. That didn’t mean that bumps in the road didn’t occur.

Nita sometimes lashed out, and Emily occasionally resumed habits that Freen thought they overcame, but nonetheless the little family was doing alright.

On the first Wednesday back to school and work, Freen was back in her studio and in the midst of selling Taran a new piece when Irin entered her workplace (this time without Athita).

“Okay, Freen, you have to talk to me,” Irin said, cutting right to the chase.

“I’m with a client,” Freen said, not even looking in her friend’s direction.

“You’re with Taran. I’ve seen her like three times this week,” Irin said.

“She’s still a client,” Freen bit back, finally glaring at Irin who was standing close by with her arms crossed in an impatient stance.

“Please, don’t let me interrupt this,” Taran said, genuinely interested in the fight that had been brewing between her siblings’ partners.

The client woman plopped down onto the couch in Freen's studio and waited for the drama to unfold.

“What is so important that you couldn’t text me about?” Freen asked Irin.

“You’re treating me like I said something inexcusable,” Irin said, to which Freen scoffed.

“That’s rich, all things considered. I ice you out for offending me, but that’s not okay in your books. Yet one insult from a traumatized teen has you refusing to be in the same room as her, which is apparently completely justifiable.”

“ Oh my God, of course you’ve twisted this!” Irin said in exasperation.

“Can someone give me a bit more context please?” Taran asked from her place, receiving not so pleasant glares from the other two women in the room. “Nevermind.”

“I didn’t say that those girls weren’t yours to be mean. I said it to remind you of the truth,” Irin explained.

“You of all people should know that you don’t have to be biologically related to someone to love them as your own.”

“I know! But I’m talking legally, Freen. A day will come when their social worker has a new placement or their biological mom steps forward and I don’t want to see how that will affect you.”

Freen hesitated, unsure of how to respond to that major reality check.

Irin wasn’t wrong.

The girls weren’t her’s legally, which meant that they could be taken from her at any given moment.

The thought made Freen's stomach churn.

“I’m worried that you’re investing all of this time on a girl who will never accept you as her parent and who will most likely be removed from your home or age out of the system. I don’t think you can handle that type of loss, Freen.”

“That doesn’t explain why you refuse to be in their lives,” Freen said, biting back a snarky comment about Irin happily being ‘Aunty Irin’ to another child.

“Less people for Emily to get attached to. Plus, Nita isn’t a nice kid to be around-,”

“I’m going to have to stop you there,” Taran spoke up. “You haven’t given her a chance to redeem herself. Nita is a great kid once she’s had some time to get comfortable.”

“Thanks, Tar,” Freen said, looking to the older woman who nodded and gave her a thumbs up.

“Well, maybe it’s just me then. But I prefer to not have to walk on eggshells around someone I hardly know.”

“I don’t know what you’re hoping to achieve in this conversation, Irin. I know it may not be permanent, but these girls are part of my life at the moment. They are an extension of me, and if you can’t handle that then I can’t have you in my life.”

“I’m scared that you’re going to run away again,” Irin said, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m scared that the day Emily and Nita leave, you are going to run back to Europe to escape the pain like you did after your dad died. I can’t lose you again.”

Freen couldn’t help the tears that started to well in her own eyes at the sight of Irin crying.

She could never stand to see her friend like that, especially since it was due to her fear that Freen would leave her again.

“You said their names,” Freen whispered, making Irin sniffle and wipe her nose.

“What?” She asked.

“You said Emily and Nita instead of those girls. You said their names.”

Irin paused a beat before nodding her head.

“I know they are a part of you for now, Freen. I can accept that. I just need you to promise me that you won’t run away when they’re gone.”

“I have more people supporting me this time,” Freen said. “I won’t leave you. I promise.”

That seemed to seal it for Irin who accepted her friend’s words and quickly pulled her into a tight hug.

As the two friends hugged, Taran stepped up next to them and wrapped her arms around both women.

“I love a happy ending.”

-----

As per usual, Nita and Emily sat against the back of the school during their lunch break and ate the assortment of snacks that Freen sent them to school with.

Nita was invested in her sketch, but Emily wasn’t occupied with her book like she normally was.

Today, the little one was looking at the playground on the elementary school side where kids ran around and played with one another.

Emily stared at it longingly before deciding to ask if she could join in the fun.

“Nity, can I go play on the playground?” Emily asked, tapping her hand on her sister's knee.

“What?!” Nita asked, snapping out of her concentration and looking to her little sister. “I’m sorry, say that again, Emi.”

“Can I go play?” Emily asked again, pointing to the jungle gym in the distance.

Nita paused. Emily's never asked to play with the other kids, then again, this was the first time they’d been at the same school for over six months, which meant that Emily most likely made a bond with her classmates by now.

Deciding that it wasn’t her place to stop the child, Nita nodded her agreement and took Emily's book from her lap.

“I’ll keep this with me until after school, okay? Remember to meet me at Becky's classroom.”

“Okay! Thank you, Nity!” Emily hugged her sister quickly before scurrying off to get some playtime in before the bell rang for the end of break.

Nita watched Emily runoff before losing sight of her in the chaos of children. Deciding it would be of little use to worry, Nita returned her attention to her sketch.

Not five minutes later, a small group of girls from Nita's year walked past her, all of them giving her dirty glares as they went by.

“What a fucking weirdo,” one of the girl’s said, making the others snicker.

Nita clenched her jaw at the comment, doing her best to keep control over her anger.

“I heard her mom was fucking the English teacher,” another laughed, finally making Nita snap.

“What the fuck did you say?” Nita demanded, standing up just as the girls turned to look at her.

“Opps, didn’t you know your mom was a fag?” One of the girls asked.

“She’s not a fag and she’s not my mom,” Nita bit back, not sure what made her angrier: the fact that someone called Freen her mom, or the fact that someone called Freen a fag.

“Of course. It all makes sense now. Even your mom didn’t want you,” another girl said, laughing hysterically at her own comment and stepping closer to Nita.

“Fucking take that back,” Nita yelled, not hesitating to give the girl a push back for getting too close.

“No wonder she’s defending her not real mommy. Looks like we’ve got a little dyke on our hands.”

Nita turned around quickly to find that a fourth girl had snuck up and grabbed her sketch pad. She had turned to a page that Nita littered with repetitive sketches of her own left side (breast, ribs, scar, and all).

To any stranger, the page looked to be like a study of the female torso, but to Nita, it was a painful reminder of her abuse.

Just the sight of someone touching her sketchpad had Nita seeing red.

She didn’t hesitate to lunge forward and knock the girl down, effectively making her release the pad.

Nita didn’t stop there, however; her rage wouldn’t let her. Instead, she lashed out and rained a few hits onto the girl below her before several hands pulled her backward.

Suddenly various fists and feet were raining down on her. She took a good hit to the eye and mouth before getting some sense to cover herself with her arms.

The chaos was quickly interrupted by two teachers, one of which was Becky, who spotted the fight from the distance.

“Break it up!” Mr. Chen, the chemistry teacher, insisted as he put himself between the four girls and their victim on the floor.

“She started it! Look at what she did to Pum,” one girl argued, motioning to her friend who was now sporting a welt on her cheek.

“I don’t care who started it. You’re all going to Principal Armstrong's office immediately.”

With Mr. Chen dealing with the girls, Becky took the opportunity to crouch by Nita who was still curled up on the pavement; though she had yet to figure out who the girl was.

“Hey, are you hurt?” Becky asked, placing a hand on the teen’s back.

To Becky's shock, the teen uncurled and recoiled from her with a frightened choke, revealing to her who it was.

“ Nita.,” Becky sighed, finally looking to the wall where her girlfriend’s kids always ate lunch together.

Unsurprisingly, there laid the girls’ things, which should’ve indicated to Becky who was being beaten up sooner.

“Let’s go inside, okay?” Becky asked, already noticing Nita building her way up to a panic attack.

Mr. Chen had thankfully escorted the other girls inside, allowing Nita some more privacy to be vulnerable. The teen shakily got up and went to grab her things, swaying as she did so.

“Woah, slow down. Let me help you,” Becky said, reaching to grab the sketch pad.

“Don’t!” Nita snapped, her voice cracking in the process.

Becky respected her wishes and let Nita gather her things before following her into the school and to the English classroom.

Once the door shut, Becky noted the way Nita's breathing became more apparent.

“ Nita, you have to calm down,” Becky instructed as Nita dropped her bag to the ground and began to pace.

“I- can’t-,” Nita managed to say, shaking her head as her panic continued to climb.

“Yes, you can. C’mere. Look at me,” Becky said, catching the girl’s hand before holding her shoulders.

Becky cringed at the sight of Nita's already bruising eye and the blood that trickled down the cut on her lip.

“Nice and slow na,” Becky coached, taking exaggerated breaths herself to show the teen the right rhythm.

Nita struggled to slow her erratic breaths down. Strangled sobs came out every so often in place of a breath as she wrapped her arms around her own torso in what could only be a form of a selfhug.

“Nice and slow,” Becky repeated, practically feeling Nita shaking under her fingers.

“I- can’t-,” Nita repeated again, this time releasing another sob with tears to follow.

With that, the dam broke and whatever emotion Nita was keeping pent up finally came flooding out in a mess of tears and sobs.

“I can’t,” the teen cried again, squeezing herself tighter as she looked ready to crumble to the ground.

Becky, feeling also on the brink of tears with how distraught the teen was, did the only thing she thought would help. She pulled the girl into a hug and allowed whatever emotion she had to release fall into the embrace.

“I know you can, Nita,” Becky whispered, rubbing one hand up and down the teen’s back while the other held the back of her head against her shoulder. “I’ve got you.”

-----

Freen practically ran into Araya's office after haphazardly parking her car outside of the school.

Before anyone could say anything, the foster mom was crouching in front of the seat that Nita occupied while icing her cheek.

“Oh baby,” Freen sighed, reaching up to get a better look at Nita's black eye, which had begun to swell.

“I’m fine,” Nita croaked out, her voice all worn from the panic attack she had less than an hour ago.

“What happened?” Freen asked, looking between Nita, Becky, and Araya.

When Nita didn’t supply an answer, Becky spoke up.

“I found a group of girls attacking her during lunch. We still aren’t sure what the whole story is but one of them claims that Nita went after them before they retaliated.”

“Is that true?” Freen asked Nita who waited a beat before shaking her head in the negative.

“It would be really helpful to hear your side of things, Nita,” Araya said, despite this being her fifth attempt to get the girl to talk.

“They said something stupid and I got mad,” Nita quietly supplied, not offering much in the form of details. “I hit first,” she said as she let the ice pack fall to her lap before looking to Araya.

“I guess that’s it then. I’m expelled, right?” Nita asked, speaking about Araya's last warning to her about acting out of line.

Araya sighed and leaned back in her seat, clasping her hands over front as she took in the sad state of the teen.

“I’m not going to expel you. But you know we have a zero-violence policy. I’m going to have to suspend you for the rest of the week. You can come back on Monday,” Araya said, raising a hand to her daughter who looked ready to interrupt. “I know, Becca. I don’t want to do it, but it’s our policy.”

“What about the other girls?” Freen asked, gently guiding Nita to hold the ice pack to her eye again.

“They’ve been suspended until next Wednesday. I promise, Freen, I’m thinking about Nita's best interest here.”

“I know,” Freen sighed, looking at Nita's beat-up face once more and taking in her various new marks. “Can I take her home now?”

“She’s free to leave. Do you want me to call for Emily to get released too?” Araya asked, reaching for her phone.

“No, I’ll drive her home later,” Becky spoke up, stopping her Ma.

“Thank you,” Freen said to her girlfriend who nodded and weakly smiled her way. “C’mon, baby,”

Freen turned her attention back to Nita, standing up before allowing the teen to do the same. She swayed once more, and the two adults on either side of her reached to steady her.

“That’s the second time she’s gotten lightheaded. We need to watch for a concussion,” Becky said as Nita leaned against her for support.

“I should text Charlotte that she won’t make it to her game this weekend.”

“No,” Nita said, standing up on her own and looking to Freen. “I want to play.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t think so. Your eye is all swollen and Becky's right, you might have a concussion.”

“No, Freen! I want to play on Sunday,” the teen argued, her emotions starting to bubble yet again.

“Okay, let’s take it day by day,” Freen sighed, extending a hand to the teen. “Can I help you to the car?”

Nita shook her head and started to walk ahead, leaving Freen, Becky, and Araya in the office.

“I’m so sorry this happened, Freen,” Becky said, to which Freen shook her head and pulled her into an embrace.

“Thank you for helping her,” Freen whispered into Becky's shoulder. “I’ll see you later,” she added before kissing her girlfriend goodbye and heading for the office door. “Thanks for giving her another chance, Araya.”

“She’s a good kid. I know that now,” Araya replied, to which Freen weakly smiled and nodded. “I’ll see her on Monday.”

With that Freen left the office and hurried after Nita who was already standing by the car.

If Freen weren’t so unsure, she would’ve pulled Nita into a hug before unlocking the vehicle, but she decided against it. The teen had been through enough emotional turmoil today, and she didn’t want to add to it.

-----

“Her eye is bugging her,” Freen said to Becky as they sat on the bench and watched the game in front of them.

Nita struggled to keep an eye on the puck which, as a consequence, caused her to miss the opportunity to steal it more than once.

“I think Char's going to pull her soon. This game is going downhill,” Becky sighed, cringing when Nita angrily slapped her stick against the ice. “I can’t believe you even let her play.”

“You try fighting her on it. It was like pulling teeth,” Freen sighed in exasperation. “Those stupid girls made her regress back into her shell. All she does is sulk and yell whenever given the chance.”

Becky wasn’t sure what to say to that. Much rather, she rubbed a comforting hand over Freen's back and did her best to give Charlotte stares that would tell her to pull Nita from the game.

The whistle blew and Charlotte motioned for her players to approach. As she spoke Nita seemed to grow more agitated.

Charlotte pointed behind herself when the teen seemed to show no signs of calming down, a telltale that she was putting her on the bench for the rest of the game.

Nita didn’t argue, she simply got off the ice, chucked her stick to the floor, and took a seat on the bench with her arms crossed.

“Thank god,” Freen sighed, rubbing her face in relief that Nita was finally off the ice and away from the other girls who she could lash out on. “Maybe I should take her home before she says something stupid to Charlotte.”

“ Char can handle herself,” Becky promised. “It’s better that Nita learns from this experience and sits this one out.”

Freen nodded and watched as her kid pulled her helmet and gloves off. The bruising around her eye and mouth was noticeable, even from a distance, and it clearly caught the attention of some of the other parents.

“Thank god she’s been taken out. Can’t have any loose screws like that on the ice,” one hockey dad laughed.

“Don’t,” Becky warns, grabbing Freen's arm as Freen prepared to give the man a piece of her mind. “You’ll only make things worse.”

“That’s my kid he’s talking about,” Freen seethed to Becky quietly, managing to shoot the man a glare before Becky dug her nails into her arm slightly to stop her.

“I know. But if you make a scene then Nita will only be more upset with you. Do you want that?”

Freen huffed before she shook her head in the negative.

“Good. Now let’s just let the game finish and then we can all go home.”

-----

The game ended with team Diversity losing by 1 point.

Nita felt like the loss was on her, and the walk back to the locker room was one full of shame.

As the girls began to remove their many layers, number 21, Ally, decided to acknowledge their first loss of the season.

“Hey Nita! Next time you get the shit beat of you, maybe stay off the ice.”

“ Al, don’t start,” Minnie, the team captain, warned. “We had the opportunity to pick it back up and we didn’t.”

“Yeah, because Popeye over there lost us like three points,” Ally replied.

“Shut it, Ally,” another player, Tria, called out. “We’ve all had bad days.”

Nita remained silent and did her best to quickly undress and re-dress before Ally could give her more slack for the shitty game.

“I know that you’re Coach Charlotte's charity case, but I won’t let you destroy my season,” Ally sneered, making Nita pause as she put her skates aside.

“Did you ever consider that losing wasn’t just on me? Your shit skating could’ve just as easily been the cause,” Nita replied, making Ally stand up in a huff.

Nita got up as well in order to keep herself from seeming smaller.

“At least I can keep the fucking puck,” Ally retorted, which made Nita clench her fists tightly and glare at the other girl.

“Tell me Pranita, who made you this angry?” Ally asked rhetorically.“Was it your mom?”

“Don’t,” Nita grit out.

“Your dad?”

“Shut up!”

“Wait you’re a foster kid. Maybe it was one of your foster daddies.”

“Fuck you, Ally,” Nita said as she gave the girl a hard shove.

It was enough to knock Ally backward, but not enough to take her off her feet.

“Touch me again, Anantrakul! See what happens!” Ally yelled, getting in Nita's face in hopes of eliciting another reaction.

Nita was prepared to swing when Ally started to threaten her some more.

“You lay a hand on me and I will have you off this team faster than you can say-.”

“Enough!” Charlotte's voice rang out, startling all of the girls in the room.

Ally instantly backed down and raised her hands in surrender, but Nita was not as quick to comply.

“Of course you back down like a little bitch,” Nita yelled, starting to lunge for Ally, only to be stopped short by Charlotte who pulled her back.

“Let me have at her! She deserves to be drop kicked. Maybe it’ll fix her in the fucking head.”

“ Nita, enough!” Charlotte yelled again, effectively silencing the teen.

“Come with me now,” the coach demanded.

“I won’t repeat myself. Now, Nita!”

Nita shot Ally a nasty glare before complying and grabbing her bag, leaving the locker room in only her sports bra and hockey pants.

Charlotte led the teen away from the lobby of awaiting parents and towards the other end of the club.

They arrived at an office that clearly belonged to Charlotte thanks to the picture she had hung up of her and her siblings all dressed in hockey gear.

“Sit down,” the coach said, motioning to a seat before dragging her own in front of it. “Do you want to tell me what that was about?”

“Nothing,” Nita grumbled as she dropped her bag and sat on the seat with a huff.

“Don’t do that,” Charlotte said as she leaned forward in her seat and rested her elbows on her knees. “Don’t keep the reasons for your lashing out a secret because then you face the consequences while the other person walks free. Now tell me, what happened in there.”

Nita chewed her lip and fiddled with her fingers before deciding to speak again.

“She was blaming me for the loss. We started making jabs about each others playing and then she said something nasty about me. I lost my cool, okay?”

“But why did you lose your cool?” Charlotte pressed, her continuous gaze making Nita uncomfortable.

“Because she said something nasty.”

“What did she say?” Charlotte continued.

“It’s not important-.”

“What did she say, Nita.”

“Nothing!”

“ Nita-.”

“She said something about my anger being caused by a foster dad, okay?!” Nita yelled out, tears welling in her eyes.

Charlotte sat back at that, doing her best to process what Nita was alluding to.

“Was she right?”

“Does it matter?” Nita snapped back, blinking back her tears.

“ Nita if someone-.”

“Look, suspend me, kick me off the team, I don’t give a fuck. But stop trying to dissect my childhood!”

Charlotte knew not to push any further. Much rather she looked around her office before her eyes landed on a hockey puck stress toy on her desk. The coach slid her chair over to grab it before returning to Nita.

“I’m not taking you off the team, Nita. You’re too valuable and clearly Ally had it coming her way. But I need you to control your temper. Not just in the locker room but on the ice as well. The second you become a danger to your teammates is the second I have to let you go, which I don’t want to do. So, take this, squeeze it until your hand cramps, and don’t let Ally get to you,” Charlotte said, placing the stress toy into the teen’s hand.

“I don’t need this,” Nita sighed, moving to hand it back.

“Honey, I don’t know what you need at this point, but we need to start finding ways to stem this anger because it’ll bring you more trouble than you deserve in the future. So try that, please.”

Nita nodded and gave the small toy a squeeze. It brought her little to no relief from the anger that still rolled around in her stomach.

“ Nita, you’re a good kid,” Charlotte said, placing a hand onto the teen’s knee. “I want to see you succeed here. Don’t let Ally, or anyone for that matter, stop you.”

“Okay,” Nita agreed, nodding her head once more.

“Okay ka,” Charlotte repeated, standing up. “Finish getting changed in here. I’ve got to catch Ally and make sure that girl learns how to hold her tongue.”

Once Charlotte left the room, Nita looked at the puck in her hand. The comment from Ally still swam around her brain.

She clenched her fist tightly around the toy, making her knuckles turn bright red and then go white. She felt ready to explode with anger and the tears that started to fall felt like a catalyst.

With an angry cry, Nita chucked the foam puck against the wall and watched it bounce back pathetically.

Despite its lack of destruction, Nita could admit to feeling some relief.

Enough so, that the teen was able to get dressed, gather her things, and pick up the foam puck before leaving Charlotte's office.

-----

Later that evening, Freen, Becky, and Emily all sat in the living room to watch a movie.

Nita had been holed up in her room since they got home from the rink, and after what Charlotte quickly managed to tell them, it was clear she had a good reason for it.

Freen felt her stomach twist when Charlotte mentioned something about one of Nita's previous foster dad’s, and it hadn’t come undone whatsoever, making the foster mom incredibly uncomfortable all day long.

“Go check on her,” Becky encouraged, having noticed her girlfriend’s occupied look all day.

“What?” Freen asked, snapping out of her thoughts.

“Go check on Nita. Emi and I can continue the movie together,” Becky said, running a hand over Emily's head as the little girl had tucked herself into her side.

“Okay,” Freen agreed, getting up from her spot and heading for the stairs.

Freen paused at Nita's door before giving it a light knock with her knuckles.

When no response came, Freen opened the door to find the room dark and Nita hidden under her blankets.

With a sigh, the foster mom approached the bed and took the blanket from the foot of it to drape over the sleeping teen. As she gently settled it over Nita's shoulders, the teen whimpered making Freen's heartbreak.

“ Freen,” the teen whispered in her sleep.

“I’m here, baby,” Freen promised, brushing some of the girl’s hair back as she spoke.

“Stay,” Nita said, her voice cracking.

“Always, baby,” Freen said, taking a seat on the bed and continuing her gentle brushing of Nita's forehead and hair.

“Always.”

To be continued...