"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable" - c.s. lewis

-----

When the girls returned from dinner with Becky's sisters, the family briefly resumed putting boxes of things away before Freen decided to tell the girls about P'Beer's visit.

While Becky, Charlotte, Marima, and Taran were busy organizing Becky's clothes into the closet, Freen sat with the girls in their room.

“What did P'Beer want?” Nita asked as she closely watched Freen who sat on the edge of her bed and pulled Emily onto her lap.

“She had some news about your mom,” Freen said, making Nita sit up straighter and look at her expectantly.

“And?” Nita pressed, a whisper of a smile already growing on her face.

“She’s clean and she’s been given visitation rights. You guys get to spend one day with her every month.”

“Really?” Nita asked, her smile growing even larger now as she practically bounced with glee.

Freen had to hide the pain she felt when she saw how excited Nita got. She kicked herself for being so selfish.

“I don’t want to go,” Emily spoke up, making some of the pain in Freen's heart slip away.

“But Emi, mom’s better! That means she’ll be taking us home soon!” Nita enthused as she climbed out of her bed and hurried to the closet. “What will we wear? It has to be something good. She’s always loved us in blue, so we have to wear blue, right?”

“I want to stay with mama,” Emily whimpered as she turned in Freen's lap and wrapped her arms and legs around her torso.

“C’mon, nong. This is great news,” Nita continued to say, only to make Emily whine some more. “When are we seeing her?”

“Friday,” Freen said, offering a strained smile. “I’ll drop you off at 12 and pick you up at 7.”

“No,” Emily resisted, to which Freen gently shushed her.

“You’ll have a great time,” Freen said despite the pain it brought her. “And it’s only for a few hours,” Freen added, though it was more so a reminder for herself.

“I’m so excited,” Nita enthused as she continued to search through her closet. “I have so much to tell her.”

-----

Becky and Freen met P'Beer at the agreed drop-off location. It was the park in the girls’ old neighbourhood, something that made Nita excited and Emily more hesitant.

“I wanna stay with you and mama,” Emily whispered to Becky as she sat on the woman’s lap and continued to watch children play on the playground.

P'Beer offered Emily to play until her mother arrived but she refused and took refuge on Becky's lap instead.

“Mama and I will pick you up real soon,” Becky promised as she pressed a loving kiss to the side of Emily's head.

“I see her!” Nita spoke up as she shot off the bench.

Freen watched as Nita ran up to the
woman and hugged her without hesitation, once more feeling the painful, jealous twinge in her heart.

The rest of the group approached the reunited mother and daughter, though they all seemed much less enthusiastic about the current situation.

“ Emily,” the woman said as she pulled away from Nita.

Freen took in the woman’s features now that she was standing straight. She was aged, despite being only 37. The drugs clearly did a number as her teeth had yellowed and her body was almost sickly thin. She may have been clean, but she was far from healthy.

“No, I wanna stay with Becky,” Emily protested when the woman attempted to pull her from Becky's arms.

“It’s okay. We’ll pick you up later,” Becky promised as she kissed the side of Emily's head and handed her over.

“No!” Emily yelled, wiggling hard enough to make her mom set her down. “I want to stay with mama.”

“But I’m your mama, baby,” the woman said, her hand clamped over Emily's wrist to keep her from running.

“No, Freen is!”

“ Emi, please!” Nita suddenly spoke up, her voice sounding nearly desperate. “We haven’t seen mom in three years. Please, just let me have this.”

Emily looked at Nita and seemed to sense her desperation because she nodded and stopped trying to pull away.

“So, Khun Mind, I hope you remember our agreed drop-off for the girls,” P'Beer spoke up, putting a name to the mother.

“8pm. On the dot,” Mind said as she offered a smile to Nita.

“We’ll be here,” Freen said, mainly to Emily who stood beside Mind and looked at the ground sadly.

“Perfect. Have a good day with your mom, girls,” P'Beer said, to which Nita smiled gratefully.

“Be good, baby,” Freen said as she crouched down and pressed a kiss to Emily's forehead.

“Love you, mama,” Emily whispered, which Freen returned just as quietly.

“C’mon, mom! We have so much to catch up on,” Nita said as she grasped her mom’s hand.

“Let’s go, babe,” Becky gently said as the foster mom stood upright and watched her girls walk away.

“What if they need me,” Freen whispered as tears crawled down her cheeks.

“We’ll be there for them later. C’mon, I think we need a day in bed to cuddle,” Becky said as she brushed the tears off Freen's cheeks before pressing kisses there right after.

-----

Mind took the girls to her small apartment a block away from the park.

When they arrived, Emily stood by the door awkwardly while Nita instantly got comfortable on the dingy couch.

They didn’t grow up in this apartment, but all of the stuff from their old place was moved here, which made Nita feel right at home.

“I can’t believe you kept this,” the teen said as she grabbed the popsicle stick frame from the table beside the couch.

An old photo of herself smiling was set in the frame, which she clumsily made at the age of six.

“I thought Emily made that,” Mind said, seemingly distracted as she looked through her cupboards.

“Mom, Emily was three the last time you saw her,” Nita reminded, making the woman chuckle.

“Stupid drugs made me forget some things,” Mind dismissed as she moved on to her freezer.

“But you’re good now? Like, for good?” Nita asked, making her mother briefly stop her search.

“Of course I am, Nita. Don’t ask stupid questions,” Mind scolded, making Nita frown slightly. For all the good she remembered, Nita often forgot about her mother’s short temper.

“Sorry,” Nita mumbled, setting the frame down and sitting back on the couch.

“No. I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to feed you two for lunch,” Mind sighed, shutting the freezer and briefly looking into her practically empty fridge.

“ Freen and Becky got us food on the way over,” Nita explained, catching sight of the empty fridge as well. “Do you need to get groceries? Emily and I can go with you.”

Mind paused and seemed to think something over before setting a sad look onto her face.

“It’s hard for me to make enough money these days. I have rent and bills and other things to worry about. Plus, my job at the gas station doesn’t pay to well,” Mind said, making Nita stand up and hurry to hug her.

“I can help you,” Nita said, barely noticing the way her mother didn’t hug her back.

“Does Khun Freen have any money lying around at home that you can bring next time?” Mind asked, making Nita shrug.

“I can scrounge something up. For now, I have some cash on me,” Nita said before rushing back to her bag and pulling out her wallet.

Emily seemed to notice what her sister was grabbing and approached her quickly.

“ Nity, you said that was to keep us safe,” Emily quietly protested when the money was pulled from the old wallet.

“Mom needs it,” Nita replied, setting her wallet back down and moving back to her mom. “You’re so skinny now. Use this for groceries,” Nita said, handing the cash over.

Mind nearly snatched the bills from the girl and counted them once and then again for good measure.

“This is helpful, but I’ll need more to get by. Please see if you can find some more money for mommy,” Mind said, making Nita nod fiercely.

“I’ll do the best I can. I promise. Should we go to the store now-?”

“No!” Mind interrupted as she pocketed the cash. “I want to spend time with my girls here. Come on, tell me all about your lives,” Mind said as she led Nita back to the couch where Emily was now waiting.

“I’m playing hockey now,” Nita said, making her mother frown.

“Why not skating?”

“Well, Becky suggested I try hockey to help with my anger-,”

“What anger? Nita, you’re letting these people brainwash you!” Mind said, making it very clear where her daughter inherited her anger from.

“No, mom, she was right. It’s helped a lot. I’m also really good at it. My coach is moving me to the advanced league in September,” Nita said, hoping to make her mom proud in her improvement.

“Well, you’ll get to go back to skating at the community center in no time. I’m getting better every day and the courts are going to give me my rights back real soon,” Mind said, making Emily look at her fearfully.

“But mama said-,”

“That woman is not your mother,” Mind sneered, making both girls freeze. “She did a nice thing watching you, but you’re my girls and I will be bringing you home soon.”

Emily was scared that she was going to get yelled at again and opted to sit quietly while Nita carried on the conversation.

“Do you know if the center has a hockey team?” Nita asked as she realized her mom had no car to take her to her current hockey club, which was 45 minutes from here.

“No, they have skating. You were better at that anyways.”

“I guess that’s alright,” Nita said, doing her best to keep her face void of any emotion.

“Well, since you don’t seem to have much else going on I should really tell you girls what I’ve gone through these last three years,” Mind said, directing the conversation towards herself. “It was absolute hell. I have never felt so mistreated in my entire life. First, the government took away my kids, then my food stamps. I lost the old house as you probably guessed. They have no systems in place to help people like me.”

Nita nodded as her mother spoke. She did her best to recognize her mother’s struggles; she knew drug addiction was a hard disease to overcome and having your whole life implode wasn’t ideal.

But a little voice kept reminding her that while her mother was wasting away and destroying her own life, she was inadvertently destroying Nita and Emily's lives as well; the only difference was: the girls didn’t have a say on what happened to them.

Without even realizing it, Nita had tears welling in her eyes when the thought of all her trauma rose to the surface.

If Freen were there, she might’ve felt okay to cry over it. But it was her mom and Emily, and she had to be strong for the both of them. So, Nita swallowed her sadness, hardened her face, and let her heart ice over.

It was a good idea to get out of the habit of letting people in anyways.

-----

When Freen and Becky picked the girls up later that evening, they were quick to realize the differences in both of the girls from just one visit.

When Emily was back in the arms of Freen she whispered about her hunger in the unsure voice that Freen hadn’t heard in a while.

Typically, Emily would speak loudly and make everyone aware of how she felt. Her unsure whispers brought Freen back over a year ago to when she was too afraid to speak.

As for Nita, she was clearly upset about having to go back home with Freen and set her classic scowl with her crossed arms for good measure. She was so tense and closed off it almost hurt to look at.

“Did you girls eat dinner?” Becky asked as they loaded up into the car.

“It’s none of your business,” Nita mumbled while Emily whispered a quiet no.

“No?” Becky asked, turning in the driver’s seat to look at the little girl.

Emily shook her head making the brunette sigh and return to a proper seated position.

“Can you believe that?” Becky asked Freen in a hushed tone as she started the car and headed in the direction of their home.

“She doesn’t have money,” Nita defended, clearly listening to what her foster mom’s girlfriend had to say.

“It’s okay,” Freen said in hopes of keeping the teen from getting angry. “We’ll give you girls dinner when we get home.”

“But-,” Becky said, only to be interrupted by Freen placing a hand on her leg.

“Later na,” the foster mom mouthed before she turned in her seat to look at the girls. “How was the visit? Was it nice seeing your mom?”

Silence.

Nita was clearly icing her out entirely and Emily seemed too scared to speak.

“Okay,” Freen said quietly, turning back and glancing at Becky who shot her an empathetic look.

The family of four drove back home in silence and entered the house that way too.

It was as Becky was grabbing plates to dish out some leftovers for the girls that Nita spoke again.

“I’m not hungry,” the teen grumbled before stomping upstairs and leaving the other three in the kitchen.

“Dinner for one then,” Becky said, moving to set a plate back in the cupboard.

“I want toast,” Emily spoke up as she watched Freen open a container of chicken.

“But Becky made a really good dinner,” Freen said, showing the little one the leftover chicken and rice dishes.

“Toast please,” Emily whispered, making the mom nod in defeat.

She started to put away the containers while Becky placed two pieces of bread into the toaster and grabbed the butter from the fridge.

Once more, the three people in the kitchen fell silent as they waited for the toast to finish. Freen picked Emily up and set the girl onto the counter, deciding to let her eat up there instead of the table so then she could gouge her body language better.

Emily was tense, unlike her typically loose, silly self. She tucked into herself to be as small as possible and she refused to make eye contact. It was heartbreaking to see all those months of effort to bring her out of her shell go down the drain.

Becky buttered Emily's toast when it finished and set the two pieces down in front of the child who whispered her thanks and picked up a slice.

Emily managed to chew through four bites before tears fell down her cheeks and a quiet sob escaped her lips.

“Baby,” Freen cooed as she leaned against the counter and tucked some of Emily's hair behind her ear.

“I don’t wanna live with my mommy,” Emily explained as she let her toast fall back to the plate. “She doesn’t love me like you and Becky do.”

“Hey, shh, it’s alright. You’re here, baby. You’re here with me and Becky,” Freen promised as she gently pulled Emily close and wrapped her in a warm hug.

“She said she was gonna get us back. I don’t want to go back,” Emily said as she continued to sob and cling to Freen tightly.

“ Emily, listen to me,” Becky said, using a hand to gently rub the back of Emily's head. “It would take a lot of work and time for your mom to get you back. She’s only been given one day a month. How many days is that if there are twelve months in a year?” Becky asked, making the little one sniffle and look at her.

“Twelve,” Emily responded, making Becky nod.

“Exactly. Twelve. That means you get to stay with me and Freen for the other 353 days. I don’t know about you, but 353 days sounds like a lot more than 12.”

“What if she gets more time?” Emily asked as Freen continued to hold her close and Becky continued the gentle brushing of her hair.

“Then we take it as it comes,” Freen said, leaning back from the hug a bit to look at the child’s face. “But I promise, baby, I am fighting for you. I’m your mama and I will do everything in my power to keep you happy and safe.”

“Pinky promise?” Emily asked, holding her little pinky up.

“I pinky promise,” Freen vowed as she hooked her pinky onto the little ones.

“You can’t break it,” Emily reminded, making both women laugh.

“I know how important they are. I will never ever break them,” Freen said, making the little one smile slightly.

It was the first smile they got since picking her up, which Freen and Becky were relieved to finally see.

“What do you say we finish this delicious toast?” Becky suggested as she picked up the barely touched slice and handed it over to the little girl.

“Can we read my book together, Becky?” Emily asked, glancing at the book she’d carried around all day but felt too scared to open in front of her mother.

“Of course! Let’s take this toast and book party over to the couch,” Becky said as she hoisted Emily off of the counter and grabbed the plate and book.

“While you two do that I’m going to check on Nita,” Freen decided, before grabbing the container of leftovers once more to serve the girl a bit of dinner in hopes of getting her to eat.

Becky and Emily got situated in the living room while Freen warmed up the plate and grabbed some cutlery for the teen to use as well.

Not five minutes later, Freen was heading upstairs with a warm plate of food, a glass of water, and a kind smile on her face.

She wanted Nita to feel comfortable and like she could talk about what happened. She wasn’t going to let her shut down again.

With two knocks, Freen entered the room and found Nita sat on the corner of her bed. She had her sketchbook open and was listening to her music as loudly as possible.

At the sight of Freen, Nita pulled one ear-bud from her ear.

“I’m not hungry,” the teen said, her scowl setting over her face.

“I brought it up just in case,” Freen explained as she moved to set the plate and glass down on the nightstand. “Was everything alright with your mom today?” Freen asked as she took a seat on Emily's bed and looked the teen over.

“What does it matter to you?” Nita asked bitterly as she returned to her sketch.

“Well, I care about you. I want to know how everything went to make sure that you’re alright.”

“I’m fine. It was fine,” Nita said, keeping it short and snippy. Freen decided to continue on anyways.

“What did you get up to?”

“Nothing.”

“Eight hours and you did nothing. That’s sad isn’t it?” Freen asked, hoping to get the girl to say something about the experience.

“We talked, okay? Jesus fuck, what more do you want?” Nita snapped out, making Freen raise her eyebrows at the choice of words.

“I’m trying to be nice here, Nita. I would really like it if you didn’t swear at me,” Freen said, keeping her voice soft and even.

“Well, I don’t want you here period. The door is over there. You can leave,” Nita snarked as she pointed to the door with her pencil.

“Did you tell your mom about how well you’re doing in hockey?” Freen pressed on, making the teen practically fume.

“What does it matter?!” Nita yelled as she shoved her sketch pad aside. “My life here and my life there are completely different. So stay the fuck out of it and stop asking me questions.”

“ Nita, when I dropped you off you were showing me who you truly are. I pick you up eight hours later and you are acting the same way you did the first day I met you.”

“If you don’t like it, why don’t you just leave,” Nita said, pointing to the door once more.

“I spent over a year trying to get you to trust me. That can’t be completely thrown away in just a few hours. Just talk to me, Nita,” Freen nearly pleaded.

“You’re not my mom! So, stop trying already and get the fuck out!” Nita yelled once more, making it clear as day that she was over the conversation and wanted her foster mom to leave her alone.

Freen sighed and got up. When she got to the door she paused and looked back at Nita.

“I know you’ve spent your whole life shutting people out. But you don’t have to do that here. Not with me. You may not want me, Nita, but I will always be here for you.”

Freen was met with silence. Once more, she took her leave and left Nita alone to sort through her feelings.

She didn’t know, however, that Nita had too many feelings to work through on her own.

To be continued...

A/N:

Mind Sawaros