"the woods are lovely,
dark and deep.
but i have promises to keep,
and miles to go before i sleep,
and miles to go before i sleep."
- robert frost

-----

Nita didn’t want to be here. Here being in front of Freen and Becky who decided that it was a good time to talk about her big breakdown less than a week ago.

After a day full of panic attacks and an emotional moment with her foster mom, Nita was rendered pretty useless for four days as she hid in her bed and refused to come out.

Yesterday she finally decided to rejoin the rest of the world and crawled out of her safe space. A shower, some good food, and Freen and Becky's kindness seemed to go a long way in perking up the girl, which is what brought them here.

But as mentioned before, Nita did not want to be here.

“I know this is hard,” Becky said as she slowly started the conversation. “But what happened in your last foster home wasn’t okay and we need to make sure no other kids are being put through that.”

“What’s there to say?” Nita asked, crossing her arms over her chest in defense. “Mark would take me to his shed and… you know,” Nita said, whispering the last bit. “One time I told him to stop when he looked like he was going to go too far and he shot his gun at me. That’s when the neighbours called about the noise and P'Beer took me and Emily from the home.”

“What do mean ‘too far’ Nita? How far did he go?” Freen pressed, making Nita's throat tighten when she realized she had to explain further.

“He- he touched- never, umm, never beyond that. I didn’t let him,” Nita explained as she started to squirm in her seat.

“And Emily?” Becky asked delicately.

“No!” Nita snapped out, making it clear as day that she was offended by the thought. “I never let anyone touch her!”

“We believe you. It’s okay,” Freen promised. “Just so we understand, he touched you and when he attempted to go beyond that you made him stop, right?”

“Yes,” Nita croaked out, doing her best to fight back her tears. “And then he got mad, waved that fucking gun around, and threatened to do the same to Emily. The police arrived before he could get what he wanted, though.”

“Did you tell P'Beer?” Becky asked, despite already having a good sense of what the answer was.

“She wouldn’t believe me. It’s probably too much paperwork anyways,” Nita dismissed, making Freen and Becky frown.

“That fucking system,” Becky whispered as she stood up and paced for a beat.

“We believe you, Nita,” Freen reassured as she sat on the edge of her seat and lent forward. “Thank you for telling us.”

“Do you think he was right?”

“What, baby?” Freen asked. “Who was right?”

“Mark, when he said I deserved it. Do you think he was right?” Nita asked as she allowed her leg to bounce in apprehension.

“No, he wasn’t right. You never deserved anything that happened to you,” Freen promised as she stood up and moved to sit next to the teen.

“I’m not a good person, though. I’m difficult, I talk back, I make people’s lives hard-,”

“I’m going to stop you there. You are none of those things. Those are your defense tactics but they are not what make you you. Nita, you are kind, and gentle, and when you let people in you are so loving. Just because it takes a while for people to see that doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“ Freen's right,” Becky agreed, having composed herself slightly as she returned to the conversation and sat on Nita's other side. “You need to cut yourself some slack. Life hasn’t been too kind to you so far, but that doesn’t take away from all of your good qualities.”

“I’ve just wanted to keep Emi safe,” Nita said, making both women smile sympathetically.

“You’ve done a great job, baby,” Freen said as she rubbed Nita's back. “ Emily and you are safe now, and I will never let anyone hurt you again.”

“What about when my mom takes us back?” Nita questioned, reminding Freen of the painful reality that Mind was still part of the equation.

“Even if that happens,” Freen said, doing her best to keep her voice from wavering. “I will continue to be there for the both of you.”

Nita nodded and leaned towards Freen, allowing the woman to wrap an arm around her shoulders and hold her there for a moment.

She felt like crawling back into bed for another few days after the talk they just had, but something told her that all the comfort she could ever need could be found between these two women.

Right here, between Freen and Becky, Nita knew she was safe. She could finally count on that.

-----

After struggling to get into contact with P'Beer, Freen eventually got her to agree to a proper sitdown meeting the next time the girls saw their mother.

As soon as Emily and Nita were settled with Mind, Freen, Becky, and P'Beer went to P'Beer's office to talk about Nita's recent revelations.

“I have another meeting in thirty minutes,” P'Beer said as she unlocked her office door and led the other two women inside. P'Beer motioned for them to take a seat on the two chairs across from her desk. “We’ll have to keep this quick.”

Freen rolled her eyes at the social workers impatience and decided to cut right to the chase.

“ Nita has informed Becky and I of something that happened in her last foster home.”

“If this is regarding the gun incident with her last foster dad-,”

“It’s related to that,” Freen interrupted. “She told us that he molested her and when she didn’t comply he threatened her with the gun.”

P'Beer seemed to sit with the news for a beat. Sighing out, the older woman lent forward and rested her elbows on her desk.

“ Nita has been known to make up stories,” P'Beer started to say, making both women across from her shake their heads in protest.

“No. We’ve had Nita for well over a year and it is incredibly clear that she refuses to make things up, especially about herself. You are not erasing this trauma, P'Beer. Not when you’ve already let the system destroy her,” Freen said, making it clear that she refused to leave until her daughter got some justice.

“I don’t know what you expect for me to do? It’s been over a year, the parents were investigated appropriately, and Nita is out of the home. What much more can I offer?”

“Take away his license; press charges; I don’t care what you do, P'Beer, but you have to do something! You are these kids advocates. You are their voice,” Freen insisted in a rush of words.

“It’s out of my hands. Unless it’s one of my kids in the home, I can’t do anything about it,” P'Beer deflected once more, making Freen stew in her anger more.

“So, Nita gets to spend the rest of her life wondering what she did to deserve all of that and that man gets to walk freely and get away with his harmful behaviour?” Becky questioned.

“I know you two think you understand Nita. But she is a difficult kid with bad habits. If I bring his actions to question, he’ll probably say she seduced him-,”

“Seduced him?!” Freen yelled. “She was 14, P'Beer! She is a child!”

“I’ll only say it once more: there is nothing I can do.”

“What if it was Emily?” Becky asked, hoping a bit of perspective would make P'Beer do something. “What if there is a young child in his care right now that he is molesting? Would you want to stop that?”

“Unless it’s my case-,”

“I didn’t ask if it was your case or not. I asked if you would try to intervene if you knew there was a child in harm’s way,” Becky said, her voice cold and eerily calm.

“I can try to track down the social worker in charge of any children in the home. If I find them, I’ll alert them of the potential dangers. Does that work for you two?” P'Beer asked, making Becky nod.

Freen was much less quick to agree.

“Why does it make a difference if it was Emily or Nita?” Freen asked, her voice calmer than before.

“It doesn’t-,” P'Beer clearly lied.

“It does, because when Becky mentioned Emily you offered a solution. Why does it make a difference?” Freen pressed, making P'Beer sigh and lean back in her seat.

“ Emily wouldn’t deserve to be treated like that.”

“But Nita would?”

“ Nita gets what she deserves,” P'Beer said slowly, making it clear that she didn’t believe Nita was a victim in this case.

If Freen's license weren’t on the line, she would’ve torn P'Beer a new one for speaking about Nita like that. But she had to remain somewhat composed if she had any hope of taking the girls back home that night.

“You know when I met Nita the first thought that crossed my mind was ‘what made this girl so angry?’,” Freen said, picking her words wisely. “Her childhood clearly had a play in it. Having to grow up with a mother who had drug problems; having to change homes when things got bad; having to raise a baby at the age of nine because her own mother wasn’t capable enough to do it. Those things would certainly piss any kid off. But talking to you now has made me realize something: maybe she wouldn’t be so broken, so impossible to handle as you once told me, if she had someone standing up for her from the start. You took a child, P'Beer, and you let strangers take her down so much that she had no other choice than to close herself off entirely. Nita didn’t deserve any of the bad things lobed at her. What she did deserve was a better social worker. I hope you never forget that this is a child that you failed.”

Everyone in the room sat in silence for a beat. Becky was too shocked to follow that up, and P'Beer seemed unsure of how to proceed.

“Putting my efforts to question will not help you in the long run,” P'Beer finally warned, making Freen shake her head.

“You know just as well as I do that if you take them away from me you will only be proving my point further. There is still time to stand up for Nita. I hope that you decide to finally do that for her.”

Freen stood up with that, deciding herself that the conversation was no longer worth pursuing.

They went there with the sole intent to protect other children and potentially give Nita the justice she deserved. Since P'Beer was clearly too stubborn to do either, Freen determined it was time to leave.

Just as Freen and Becky got to the office door P'Beer spoke up once more.

“Why push so hard, Freen? She isn’t your kid and may very well never think of you as her mother.”

Freen turned and gave P'Beer a cold glare. “I push because while she may never think of me as her mother, I feel it deep down that she is my child. And I will never stop fighting for my kids. Never.”

With that, Freen turned and allowed Becky to lead her out. When the door shut Freen finally allowed herself to breakdown, and Becky was right there to pick her back up.

-----

When the girls and Mind arrived at the apartment, the older woman was a lot quicker to corner Nita.

“Did you bring me any money? I’m completely out of what you brought me the first time,” Mind said as she blocked Nita from moving past the closed front door.

“This was all I could scrounge up,” Nita said as she pulled out two crumpled 500baht money.

She'd found them on the street before Mind picked them up and was slightly relieved to have something to give to her mom when she asked.

“Didn’t you check your foster mom’s wallet? Her closet? Her purse?” Mind pressed as she grabbed the bills from the teen rather harshly, making her jump.

“I can’t steal from her, mom,” Nita admitted, making the older woman turn red.

“I am your mother, Nita! You suddenly care more about a stranger than your own mother?!”

“No, I’m sorry,” Nita squeaked out as she pressed herself against the door. “She just doesn’t deserve that. She’s good to me and Emily.”

“Stupid girl,” Mind snapped, turning away from Nita and heading to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry, mommy,” Nita whimpered as she fought back her tears. “Please don’t hate me. I’ll do better next time.”

Mind took in a long-suffering breath before releasing it along with the tension in her body.

“I’m sorry I got mad,” Mind said as she opened her fridge to reveal its emptiness. “I’m just hungry and I was really hoping you could pull through on the one day I get to see you.”

“Maybe I can talk to Freen and we can bring groceries next time,” Nita suggested, making the older woman shake her head.

“I am not a charity case, Nita. Don’t you dare ask that woman for groceries. If you do, I’ll resent you for it.”

That threat seemed to shut Nita right up.

“Go sit on the couch. I don’t want to ruin our time together,” Mind said as she placed the money into an empty cupboard and looked at Emily. “ Emily, you only get to see me once a month and you plan to read through it?”

Emily looked up from her book which she had decided to read this time.

“She has a month reading list,” Nita lied as she stepped in front of her little sister. “I told her it was okay to continue reading when we got here.”

“You are just one disappointment after another,” Mind sighed as she dropped the conversation and went to sit on the couch.

Nita sighed as well as she got Emily settled at the kitchen table with her book before approaching her mom.

“I know something is wrong,” Nita began slowly as she took a tentative seat on the couch next to Mind.

“I’m fine,” Mind said as she pinched the bridge of her nose and shut her bloodshot eyes.

“You aren’t. You can talk to me, mom. I can help you,” Nita said, not even realizing how quick she was to fall back into her old habit of comforting her mother.

“I have had a very difficult month,” Mind said. “You will never understand. You’ve had it good.”

Nita bit her tongue to keep from arguing that.

“I’m listening,” she said instead as a way to encourage her mother to continue.

So Mind continued, and her angry ranting about her shitty life soon turned into a full meltdown that had her crying with her head in Nita's lap.

Emily glanced at the noisy wailing of their mother every so often but decided not to do anything about it. She was young, but it was clear that her few memories with her mother included a lot of her in this state.

Nita seemed to be suffering through this well-memorized situation as well. She held her mother who cursed out everyone who failed her and did her best to offer some comfort, but deep down she knew that if she couldn’t fix it when she was six, she certainly couldn’t fix it now.

Her mother was broken, and no matter how hard Nita tried, she could never be fixed.

-----

After their talk with P'Beer, Freen was in clear need of some adoptive mother advice that Becky wasn’t entirely equipped to provide.

Araya, however, was perfectly capable of helping her out, which is what brought them to the Armstrong's household.

Freen and Araya sat on the outdoor furniture and watched from a distance as Becky and Sunny got to work on restoring the old playset.

“What’s running around in that mind of yours?” Araya finally asked after she and Freen watched the slide get detached from the set.

“ Nita told Becky and I about something horrible that happened in her last home. We brought it to her social worker’s attention and she basically said that she wouldn’t do anything about it because Nita deserved it,” Freen explained as she pulled her legs up to quell the nauseous feeling that ran through her stomach.

“It amazes me that half of those people are allowed to be social workers,” Araya sighed as she reached out and squeezed Freen's knee. “Some of them are amazing. They are working for the kids and they do whatever they can to protect them. But there are some that will let a perfectly good child slip through the cracks without a second thought. As long as the kid’s alive, they get their paycheck.”

“That whole system is fucked up,” Freen sighed. “I know there are too many kids and not enough homes, but how can they let pedophiles be foster parents? How can they let someone hurt kids? How could they let someone hurt my baby?” Freen asked, her last question coming out with an emotional sob.

Araya clicked her tongue and moved closer to wrap Freen in a hug, which Freen gratefully accepted.

“I know what it’s like, Freen. To be a mother to a child that you didn’t get to protect from the start. But you have to remember that because of you, they are now safe. You didn’t give them their lives, but you gave them love and security. That is so much more than some of them could ever ask for.”

“I couldn’t even protect Nita from P'Beer like I wanted to, though,” Freen said as she wiped her cheeks. “I’m starting to realize that she has had no one in her corner her whole life.”

“But now she has you, Freen. She has Becca. She has us. She has this whole crazy family in her corner, and we will continue to stand there forever.”

Freen nodded her understanding and grasped Araya's hand.

“How did you do it? How did you learn about what your kids went through and not rip the heads off of every person that contributed to that?”

“I’ve been tempted,” Araya said with a smirk before she became somber once more. “We can fight the endless fight as long as we want, Freen. We can do our best to hold every person who ever laid a hand on our children accountable. But at the end of the day, that isn’t what they need. Our kids need us to be strong, and to hold them up after people tore them down. They need us to invest all of our attention towards putting the broken pieces of their lives back together and to re-teach them what it means to love and be loved. Justice is important, they all deserve to have that someday, but for the moments that we have them right there in front of us, we need to make sure we help them heal.”

“So, in Nita's case, I should worry less about P'Beer and focus more on her needs?” Freen asked, making Araya nod.

“You fight for her when she isn’t there. You give that woman, Beer, hell once Nita is legally yours and everything is settled. But in the moments that Nita is right in front of you and she is telling you about another bad family she lived with you remember to love her through it right then and there and raise hell later.”

“I really hope karma is real and all those people that ever hurt her and Emily get what they deserve,” Freen said as she looked out at Becky and Sunny.

“In due time, Freen. No one can get away with being a monster for long.”

-----

“ Nity, I’m hungry,” Emily whispered as she approached her sister who now held a sleeping Mind.

“Eat the snack that Freen packed you,” Nita suggested as she continued to run her fingers through her mom’s patchy hair.

“I ate it an hour ago,” Emily said before she revealed her small wristwatch which read 6pm. They still had two more hours to go with their mom.

Nita sighed when she saw the time. It was a waste of a visit. After their mother’s hysterical meltdown, the woman passed out and remained asleep for over four hours.

It was just like when she was little, and her mom would be knocked out all day before getting up for a fix in the evening. Clearly Mind didn’t have trouble falling back into old habits despite being clean.

“Go look in the cabinets for something. I’ll just buy mom a replacement later,” Nita said, making Emily nod before she shuffled to the kitchen and began searching the lower cabinets for something food-like.

Not long after sending Emily off did Nita feel the pressure in her bladder return. She’s had to pee since 2pm and it was getting unbearable at this point.

“I don’t want to pee on you, mom,” Nita whispered as she finally decided to trade her lap out for a ratty old blanket and rush to the bathroom down the hall.

Nita sighed out in relief when she finally got to empty her bladder and reveled in the feeling for a moment.

Not a minute later, when the teen was washing her hands, a loud yell from Mind and frightening scream from Emily sent her running back to the kitchen.

“What the fuck are you doing in my cupboards?!” Mind yelled as she held Emily's arm tightly and shook the girl angrily.

Nita didn’t hesitate to rush towards the two and pull Emily free.

“What is wrong with you?!” Nita yelled at Mind as she held a sobbing Emily close.

“She was looking through my stuff-,”

“Because she’s hungry!” Nita interrupted as she took a step back in fear of her mother lashing out.

“You know I hardly have any food, Nita! That one needs to stop being selfish when she knows she has a place to eat tonight,” Mind said as she angrily reached for Emily once more.

Nita quickly stepped back once more and turned Emily away from her mother’s reach.

“Enough of this. I am her mother and I am allowed to punish her,” Mind puffed out, reaching for Emily again.

“You touch her, and I swear I will never come back here again,” Nita seethed, making Mind freeze. “No one is allowed to touch Emily. No one!”

“And who said that you get to make that decision?” Mind challenged as she set her hands on her hips.

“I did after I had to raise her on my own for the last seven years. I don’t know if you remember, but you were hiding behind some dumpster getting high while I was raising your kid.”

“That is a cruel, cruel thing to say to me, young lady. I did my best-,”

“Fucking stop!” Nita yelled out. “Stop acting like everything that has ever happened to you wasn’t your fault. You did this to yourself, mom. You were clean and you still decided to go back to drugs. Every time you were given the chance to get better for us, you chose drugs. It was always drugs. And now we finally get a chance to be a family again and you are still not picking us!”

“My life is stressful,” Mind deflected, making Nita shake her head.

“No, mom, my life is stressful. Your life is a mess because you made it one. My life is a mess because you let it become one. You weren’t there for me,” Nita said, allowing the reality settle in her as well. “You never loved me, did you?”

“Of course I loved you,” Mind said, her voice cracking with the first sign of real emotion.

“You just didn’t love me enough,” Nita corrected. “You never loved Emily or me enough to get better.”

“I’m trying now, Nita. Doesn’t that count for something?” Mind asked, making Nita shake her head as she grabbed Emily's bag from the kitchen table.

“No,” Nita whispered. “I think after all this time of you not loving me enough, I stopped loving you entirely,” Nita said as tears started falling down her cheeks.

“Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that! I am your mother,” Mind said, her tone seemingly desperate. “Please, Nita, I need you to help me. I need you if I want to keep getting better. Without the money, I won’t be able to eat and then I’ll die.”

“Use a foodbank, mom. I can’t keep helping someone who only cares about themselves.”

“At least say you love me. You can’t stop loving your mommy,” Mind pleaded, reaching for her daughters once more.

Nita didn’t let her get close enough, however, as she reached for the door
and pulled it open.

“You stopped loving me first. Now it’s my turn,” Nita said before leaving the apartment in a rush.

Nita carried a still crying Emily down the stairs and out the back door of the old apartment building. As she started to hurry down the street, the sound of her mother wailing from the balcony could be heard.

“ Nita, you horrible child! I am your mother! You can’t stop loving your mother!”

Nita stifled her sobs against Emily as she picked up the speed and rounded the corner, heading back in the direction of the park.

They still had over an hour until pick up but Nita decided to take that time to get a handle over her emotions instead of calling Freen and Becky to pick them up early.

“Are you okay, baby?” Nita asked as she finally took a seat on a park bench and sat back so she could check Emily over.

“My arm hurts,” Emily whimpered as she held up her right arm which was already bruising.

Nita knew her sister wasn’t crying over the pain. They both developed a tolerance that would prevent an arm grab from actually hurting. But Emily was no doubt scared after being yelled at by their mother.

“I’m sorry,” Nita whispered out guiltily as she pressed a kiss to the bruised skin before pulling her sister into a hug. “I should’ve never left you alone with her.”

“Why do people keep hurting us, Nity?” Emily asked as she clung to the neck of her older sister.

“I don’t know,” Nita said, her voice cracking when she realized she’d asked herself that very question more times than she’d like to admit.

“But I’m here. And you know that I will protect you with everything I have.”

“I want to go home to mama and Becky. They never hurt us,” Emily said, making Nita nod.

“I know they don’t,” Nita said as she pressed Emily back a bit to have a serious conversation with her. “But we need to try to forgive mom. She had a bad day and they happen a lot, but when we go back to her we can’t say the things I said to her today. I made it worse, which is my fault. The next time we see her we have to be better.”

“But she isn’t a good mommy,” Emily said, failing to understand why they had to forgive a bad mommy when they had a perfectly good one in another home.

“She is a good mommy. She’s just made some bad choices. We will be better next time. Right?”

Emily refused to acknowledge her sister’s request. Instead, she leaned forward once more and wrapped Nita in a hug again.

Maybe if she showed her what real love was, she would stop running back to the fake kind.

To be continued...