the universe is seeming
really huge right now
i need something to hold on to
-e. lockhart

-----

Freen and Becky remained in the dark about what happened at the girls’ last visit for close to two weeks.

Emily's bruise was chalked up to be an accident in which she fell off a chair, which Freen wasn’t pleased to hear about but couldn’t argue because the girl was known to be clumsy.

It was near the end of August, as Freen and Becky were sitting out on the balcony and watching the stars above them, that Emily decided to tell the truth.

It was midnight when Emily padded her way outside, making both women sit up in their seats in confusion.

“Weren’t you supposed to be in bed?” Freen asked as Emily crawled into her lap and curled up there.

“I can’t sleep,” Emily mumbled. She was troubled by her thoughts, but Freen and Becky weren’t aware of this yet.

“Is that extra cookie I slipped you after dinner keeping you up?” Becky teased as she tickled the bottom of Emily's foot. While Emily would usually squeal and giggle, she didn’t do so this time.

“Hey. What’s got you so glum?” Becky asked as she finally noticed the sad pout on the child’s lips.

“I don’t want to go live with my mom,” Emily said, making Freen and Becky look at each other briefly.

They knew repetition was key, but Emily seemed to always go back to this conversation.

“Baby, we’ve talked about this,” Freen said as she pulled back to look at Emily's face. “Nothing is changing yet.”

“She isn’t a good person, though,” Emily protested. This was new.

“What do you mean?” Becky asked as she gently brushed back some of Emily's hair.

“Do you love me?” Emily asked, changing topics suddenly.

“Of course we do,” Freen affirmed, briefly glancing at Becky who shrugged.

“Do you love P'Nita?” Emily asked next.

“Yes, baby. Why are you asking this?” Freen asked, making Emily sigh.

“Because our mommy can’t say yes like you do. Nity said she doesn’t love us enough which means that we have to do better. But I don’t want to keep trying to make her love me when you and Becky already do,” Emily explained, finally getting her point across.

“You’re worried your mom doesn’t love you enough?” Becky asked, making Emily shake her head.

“I know she doesn’t love me and Nity enough. She hurt my arm and she made Nity cry. That isn’t love,” Emily said, making both Freen and Becky freeze before the realization dawned on them.

“You didn’t get that bruise falling off a chair?” Freen asked as she brushed her fingers over the spot where the faded bruise sat.

“No. Mommy caught me looking for food and grabbed me,” Emily explained, making Freen bristle slightly.

“What do you mean you were looking for food?”

“She doesn’t have any. She’s been asking P'Nita for money so she can get some, though,” Emily explained as she looked between Freen and Becky.

“That explains the lack of feeding them dinner,” Becky sighed as she rubbed her forehead. “We need to tell P'Beer about this.”

Freen nodded her agreement but paused when she looked back at Emily. Araya's reminder ran through her mind. “You remember to love her through it right then and there and raise hell later.”

“Why didn’t you tell me or Becky about this sooner?” Freen asked gently as she rubbed Emily's back lovingly.

“ Nity said not to. But Nity always protects me from the bad things and now it’s my turn. I have to protect her from our mommy before she gets hurt.”

Freen smiled weakly at the little girl before pulling her into a long hug.

“You are such a good girl, Emi. And I am proud of you for telling us now.”

“Are you going to help me protect Nity?” Emily asked, making both women nod.

“Of course,” Becky promised as she grasped the little girl’s hand.

“We’ll do our best,” Freen followed up with, making Emily sigh out in relief.

“That’s really been bugging you, hasn’t it?” Becky asked as a sleepy yawn came over Emily.

“ Ka,” Emily agreed as she cuddled into Freen's chest and let her eyes shut slowly.

“Try to sleep, baby. I promise we’ll take care of things in the morning,” Freen whispered as she pressed a kiss to the top of Emily's head before covering her with the light blanket that was on her lap.

Becky gently grasped Freen's hand as they returned to looking up at the stars.

It didn’t take long for Emily's light snores to fill the space around them.

-----

The next day, Freen and Becky tried to plan the right time to talk to Nita. By the looks of it, there never really was a good time to confront the teen about her mother’s poor treatment of her and Emily.

Freen decided to bite the bullet when Nita returned from her run. She had been insisting on getting back into shape before her hockey season started up again in September and Freen realized that the teen was always in a better mood after running and blowing off some steam.

“How was your run, baby?” Freen asked as Nita went to the sink to refill her water bottle.

“Good,” Nita breathed out as she started to guzzle down her water.

“Can we talk for a minute?” Freen asked, making Becky look up from her laptop and Nita stop drinking.

“I’m all gross,” Nita said as she pointed upstairs. “I was going to jump into the shower.”

“It’ll only be for a minute,” Freen said as she pulled out a chair at the kitchen table for the teen.

Nita raised her eyebrows before taking the seat. She looked at Freen and Becky expectantly.

“ Emily's worried about you,” Freen started to say, making Nita furrow her eyebrows.

“Why?” the teen asked as she took another swig from her water bottle.

“She told us about what happened at your last visit with your mom,” Becky supplied, earning a nod from Freen.

“She what?” Nita asked, starting to grow defensive.

“Don’t be upset. She simply said that she’s worried that you’re going to get your feelings hurt because your mom can’t love you back as much,” Freen said, making Nita clench her fists angrily.

“She got it all wrong!”

“What part did she get wrong?” Freen asked, keeping her tone calm and even. “The part where Khun Mind grabbed her arm? Or when Khun Mind took money from you? Or when she made you think that it was your fault that she couldn’t love you more?”

“She does love me enough,” Nita protested, her anger dissolving into sadness rather quickly. “And she didn’t take money from me. I gave it to her. She needed it for groceries.”

“And the part where she grabbed Emi?” Becky asked, making Nita's lower lip quiver.

“I protected Emi from her. I did.”

“We know you did,” Freen said as she rested her elbows on her knees. “But you shouldn’t have to protect your sister from your mother.”

Nita's anger seemed to return with that comment. She was crossing her arms and scowling, proving that the conversation was in to take a turn.

“You don’t get it!” Nita yelled as she got to her feet. “My mom is sick, and I have to help her get better. I’m the only one who can do it. She has bad days and it’s not fair to punish her for that.”

“No one is punishing anybody,” Becky said, hoping to ease the girl’s anger.

“Then why are we having this conversation?!” Nita asked in exasperation.

“Because we’re worried about you,” Freen said as she stood up as well. “ Emi is scared that you are going to get hurt and we are too. We lo-,”

“My mom would never hurt me!” Nita yelled, cutting Freen off quickly. “She makes mistakes but that’s why she needs me. I make things better.”

“That’s a parent’s job. Not a kid’s,” Becky reminded, making Nita shake her head.

“We’re different then. I’m helping her and soon enough she’ll be ready to take Emily and me home. Stop trying to ruin the one thing I want.”

“We don’t want to ruin anything for you, Nita,” Freen said. “We just want you to remember that you should never feel like it’s your fault that someone doesn’t love you enough. There is no such thing as half-love when you’re a parent.”

“How would you know?” Nita bitterly asked. “You’re not a real mom.”

The teen stalked off with that, making Freen sigh before she plopped down at the table once again.

“That went horribly,” Freen said as Becky rubbed her back reassuringly.

“It could’ve gone much worse. Let’s just hope Khun Mind can turn her act around before she breaks that poor girl’s heart.”

-----

“Why did you tell them?” Nita asked Emily as they both tried to fall asleep that night.

“Tell them what?” Emily asked, having long forgotten what she said.

“About what mom did. Why did you tell Freen and Becky about that?” Nita asked, turning over to look at her sister who did the same in her own bed.

“Because mommy isn’t nice. She doesn’t love us the way mommies should,” Emily explained, making Nita shake her head.

“That isn’t true. You’re just too little to understand,” Nita excused, making Emily sit up.

“That’s not fair, Nity! You always say I’m too little but that isn’t true. I understand things,” Emily insisted as Nita sat up as well and rested on her elbows.

“But you don’t understand the big things. You don’t understand what happened to mom and why we had to move between so many foster homes.”

“We had to leave homes because you were getting hurt,” Emily said, proving that she had some understanding of the abuse her sister endured. “And we don’t live with mommy because she isn’t good enough to take care of us.”

“She was once. Before you were born, she was good,” Nita said, allowing herself to briefly go back to the time when her mom was clean before their trip to Ayutthaya.

“Was it my fault?” Emily asked, quickly making Nita shake her head.

“No way. I think it was my fault, actually,” the teen said, chewing her lip with concern.

“What did you do?”

“You’re too little-,”

“ Nity, please! I’m not a baby,” Emily insisted making Nita take a long breath.

“We went on a trip and I remember telling her how happy I was that she was doing better. I was listing off all of the things that I was able to do now that I didn’t have to take care of her as much and I think that made her upset.”

“So she made herself sick again?” Emily asked, making Nita nod. “That doesn’t sound nice.”

“It’s not. But I should’ve never made her feel like she was a burden. That was my fault,” Nita said, making Emily furrow her eyebrows.

“You always say that things are your fault. Like when other foster parents would hit you, or when P'Beer yells at us, or when mommy cries. You say it’s your fault. Why?” Emily asked, making Nita shrug.

“Imagine that every person has a light around them,” Nita said, hoping to explain why she was at fault all the time. “Your light is yellow. It’s so good and bright and nothing bad ever happens because your light keeps it away.”

“I like yellow,” Emily said, accepting the colour. “What’s yours?”

“Mine is black. Dark,” Nita said as she frowned. “I make bad things happen everywhere I go, which is why I think most things are my fault.”

Emily frowned as she watched her older sister speak. Wordlessly, Emily climbed out of her bed and climbed into Nita's where she kindly cuddled into her sister.

“Your light isn’t black, Nity,” Emily whispered, making Nita chuckle lightly.

“What is it then?” Nita asked as she sniffled, a clear sign that tears were threatening to fall.

“Soft blue. Like the part of the sky that touches the water,” Emily said, making Nita smile softly before she dropped a kiss to the top of her head.

“Those books really do make a difference,” Nita mentioned. “No seven-year-old sounds that smart.”

“Well, I am very smart,” Emily insisted, making Nita laugh.

“I know. You are incredibly smart, Emi.”

“Which is why I knew I had to tell mama and Becky about mommy. I’m smart, but mama is even smarter. She knows what to do to protect us,” Emily explained as she glanced up at Nita.

“I can protect myself,” Nita gently reminded, making Emily shake her head.

“Everyone needs someone to protect them. Every book I read has two people who protect each other, and they always have a happy ending. I think we deserve a happy ending too, Nity.”

-----

“Does it ever occur to you just how out of control we are?” Freen asked as she laid in bed next to Becky that night.

“What don’t we have control of?” Becky asked as she cracked an eye open to see Freen nervously chewing her lip.

“Everything. Our lives; what we do; where we go. What happens to the people in it. We can’t control any of it,” Freen listed off, making Becky open both eyes as she realized that this was a deeper conversation that required her whole attention.

“Yes and no,” Becky said, as she absentmindedly trailed her fingers up and down Freen's arm. “We have control over some of the decisions we make. And isn’t that what life is? A comprised sum of all of our decisions?”

“Yeah, but that’s only a small part of it. We still can’t control who we meet; we can’t control who lives and who dies,” Freen said, making Becky frown slightly.

“I know loss is difficult, babe. And I agree, we get no say in what happens to the people that we cross paths with, but even though it hurts, our losses still brought us here. To each other,” Becky reminded, making Freen nod fervently.

“I know. And I love that I have you,” Freen promised as she drew her hand over Becky's cheek. “But fuck, bebe, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared.”

“Scared of what?” Becky asked as she shuffled a bit closer to her girlfriend.

“I’m scared of losing you,” Freen said, her voice cracking with emotion. “The thought of losing Nita and Emily is already killing me, but every time I think about them leaving me, you appear too. It’s as if the day they are taken from me, you’ll leave as well.”

“Baby, I would never,” Becky cooed as she pressed a gentle kiss to Freen's cheek.

“How do I know that, though? How do I know that I won’t make another rash decision like I did after my dad died and push you away because of it?” Freen asked worriedly as tears of frustration started to slide down her cheeks.

“You just have to trust us. You have to believe that what we have here will last,” Becky insisted.

“I can’t lose you three,” Freen whimpered as a desperate sob slipped past her lips. “I can’t lose the best things that ever happened to me.”

Becky silently wrapped Freen around the middle and pulled her in close. She allowed Freen to nuzzle back into her as she continued to breakdown.

“I can’t promise that everything will work out with Nita and Emi. But I can promise to never leave you. I can promise forever,” Becky whispered before pressing a kiss to Freen's ear. “Marry me, Freen Sarocha. Marry me, and I swear I will never leave you no matter what life throws our way.”

“You want to marry me?” Freen asked as she sniffled back her tears and turned a bit in Becky's hold to better see her face.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If getting married means that I get forever with the love of my life, then why would I pass that up?” Becky asked, making Freen smile softly past her tears.

Freen knew that marriage didn’t guarantee permanence. She knew that a wedding ring wouldn’t secure their lives or make sure they lived to 105, but it was more than what they had now.

And in this moment, when life’s most troubling questions were bombarding her and making her realize just how small she was in the whole grand scheme of things, Becky was anchoring her back to reality with the promise of forever.

Freen Sarocha wanted forever and a day, but she was willing to take whatever time the universe gave her as long as she had Becky by her side.

“So, Freen Sarocha Chankimha, will you make another life-altering decision with me and be my wife?” Becky asked, making tears of joy now trickle down Freen's cheeks as she fervently nodded.

“Yes.”

Now smiling like idiots, Becky pulled Freen into a kiss.

“I can’t control much,” Freen noted as they briefly broke their kiss. “But I can control the way I love you.”

And that was reassurance enough that Freen had the slightest say in what happened in her life next.

To be continued...