"the universe had to fall apart into dust first to become its majestic, incredible, infiniteself. what makes you think this breaking, this trauma, this destruction, won't be the making of a more powerful you too?" - nikita gill

-----

A few days after the girls’ visitation with their mother, Becky decided that Freen needed a date night to ease some of her stress.

She planned to take her girlfriend back to the cliff where they had their second date and already arranged to take Richie's truck once more so they could watch the sunset out of the back of it again.

When the date was revealed to Freen, she gratefully accepted it and enthused to Becky how much they needed a few hours to themselves.

She stopped short, however, when she realized that Nita was in no state to watch Emily alone.

Nita was back to her reactive aggression, and it was clearly being aimed at Emily as well since the little one was very adamant about her distaste over seeing their mother.

Still aiming to get a date night in, Freen began to call their friends and family in hopes of getting someone to watch Emily (and subsequently Nita) for a couple of hours.

They worked their way down the list from most reliable to last resort until they ended up with Nune and Pete.

For all intents and purposes, Nune and Pete were great with Emily and would be higher on the call list, however, Nita made it clear that she had an unexplained fear towards them, which is what made them the last resort.

Freen made the call nonetheless and was grateful when her Mae and Pete agreed to watch the girls that night. All they asked was that Becky and Freen drop the girls off at their house since Pete installed a new 75-inch TV and wanted to have a movie night with them.

It was all set up, and Emily was excited to hear about the big TV, the only task left was getting Nita to go over as well.

“My Mae and Pete want to have you girls over for a movie night,” Freen explained to Nita who was sat in the living room. “I know you sometimes get-,”

“It’s fine. I’ll go,” Nita said, not even bothering to argue with Freen.

In some weird turn of events, Nita was suddenly giving in without a fight. Freen wasn’t sure if that should worry her more or ease some of her concerns.

“Really? Okay ka, good. They’ll be happy to hear that,” Freen said, smiling weakly at the teen.

“ Becky and I will only be gone for a few hours-,”

“You’re not going to be there?” Nita asked, a quick look of fear flashing over her face before a scowl set over it.

“No. Is that okay? You can tell me if there’s something wrong-,”

“It’s fine. I don’t care,” Nita cut Freen off once more, making the foster mom frown.

“You know if you need anything you can call me or Becky and we’ll come right back for you,” Freen promised, making the teen scoff.

“Whatever,” Nita mumbled, a clear sign that she was ignoring what Freen had to say.

It hurt, but Freen decided to not fight this battle and leave the teen alone.

“We’re leaving at 5,” Freen said as she stood up and moved to find Becky and Emily.

When Freen was gone, Nita allowed her clenched fists to release slightly, revealing to herself just how shaky they’d become.

“Get control of yourself,” Nita whispered as she re-clenched her hands and glared at her drawing.

The days of running to Freen when things got scary were over. Nita had to work this one out on her own.

-----

Upon first arrival at Nune and Pete’s home, Nita managed to keep her cool since Nune was the one who opened the door and brought them in.

Nune chatted with Freen and Becky for a bit before the two decided to head out, leaving Nita alone with the older woman and her little sister.

Emily was much more comfortable with speaking to Nune about her day’s events and engaging in conversation about random things that popped into her mind. Nita, on the other hand, sought refuge at the kitchen table where she sat quietly and hoped for
the time to pass quickly.

“Who’s hungry for spaghetti?” Pete asked as he came in with a plate full of food.

Nita jumped at his voice and looked at him for a long time. She felt her body go rigid, her hands shake, and sweat begin to trail down her neck.

“What’s wrong, kid?” Pete asked kindly to Nita as he set the plate down at the table. "It looks like you've seen a ghost."

Once more, Nita jumped when she realized his proximity and got to her feet.

“Bathroom,” was all Nita could squeak out as she hurried towards the hallway bathroom that Nune had shown them on their way in.

Quickly, the teen locked herself in and slid down the wall as she held her head.

“Fuck, just stop,” Nita whispered as she tried to fight off the panic attack that was looming closer and closer.

“Fuck,” the teen whimpered, allowing her head to fall against her knees in hopes of muffling some of her erratic breaths.

It was his voice. It was swirling around in her head and making her feel sick. She couldn’t get rid of it.

“This is your room,” Mark said as he walked the girls through his and Jun's small house. “You’ve got to share the bed.”

Nita held Emily close and nodded her understanding. They’ve shared a bed before, so it wasn’t a problem.

“ Jun and I have some rules,” Mark said as she led the girls back to the kitchen. “No noise. No backtalk. Dinner’s gotta be on the table every night before we get home from work. That’s 7:30 on the dot, got it?”

Once more, Nita nodded her affirmation, allowing for Mark to continue.

“The house is to be kept clean at all times. Laundry is another daily chore. Folding included. We don’t deal with tantrums. We don’t deal with vomit. And we definitely don’t deal with kids who break the rules,” Mark listed off, noting the slight confusion that crossed Nita's face. “That means that if you break the rules, you face the consequences.”

Consequences. They were different in every house. Sometimes it was yelling, other times it was food deprivation. In one home they preferred to use a belt. But Nita could sense that there was something off with this home. Mark and Jun were different, and not in a good way.

“Let me show you,” Mark said, leading the girls out back to a worn-down shed.

Nita slowed her approach when she saw where he was walking.

“I ain’t got a reason to hurt you,” Mark said when he noticed the young girl slow. “Yet,” he added, laughing loudly at his own words.

Nita only managed to flinch as she stepped into the shed with Emily tucked safely behind her.

“This is where punishments happen. Fuck up and we’ll make sure you learn your lesson,” Mark said as he went over to a dingy old filing cabinet.

He noisily opened a drawer and pulled something out which clanged against the metal unit. When he turned, he revealed the black handgun.

Nita inhaled sharply and backed Emily into a wall to block her from the offensive item.

“Good. If you’re scared now that means you won’t give me a reason to use this,” Mark said as he shook the gun calmly in his hand before setting it back in its place.

Nita continued to cover Emily as she practically shook in fear herself. Mark noticed and barked out a laugh at the sight.

“What’s wrong, kid. No ones ever broken you in before?” Mark asked, seeming to take pleasure in the girl’s fear. “Good thing you’ve come here then. Jun and I will take good care of both of you.”

The sickening smile that Mark gave her would soon become the same smile that made the girl wake up in the middle of the night. It was impossible to forget, and Nita hated Mark for that every day of her life.

-----

Freen sighed contently as she nestled further into Becky's arms and looked out to the ocean.

“You don’t plan on making us jump again, do you?” Becky asked as she rhythmically ran her fingernails up and down Freen's back.

“I think I’ll spare us this time,” Freen said past a laugh, turning her head slightly to press a kiss onto Becky's chest. “Thanks for doing this. I really needed it.”

“Anything for you,” Becky said, casting her gaze down to Freen who turned over slightly to look at her face.

Becky gave a little laugh when Freen stared at her for a long beat. “What?” the brunette asked, reaching up with her free hand to see if she had any food left on her face.

“Y’know it always amazes me how beautiful you are,” Freen whispered as she used her fingertips to trace along Becky's jaw.

“ Babe,” Becky said as she blushed.

“I’m serious, Bec,” Freen said as she pushed herself onto her elbow and leaned closer to Becky's face. “You,” the mom started before pressing a whisper of a kiss to Becky's jaw. “Are. So. Beautiful,” Freen said, allowing a kiss to land on more of Becky's jaw until she climbed her way up to her lips.

“I think you need to go for a cold swim,” Becky remarked when their long, drawn-out kiss was broken.

“Who’s gonna see us?” Freen asked as she let her hand travel down to Becky's pant button.

“Sex on the bed of a truck is still considered public indecency,” Becky continued, knowing very well it was a losing battle.

“Secret sex on the bed of a truck isn’t though,” Freen challenged, nodding down to the blanket that was draped over the both of them. “Please, baby. I just want to show you how much I love you.”

The small pout and the feeling of Freen's fingers waiting at the edge of her underwear was too hard for Becky to resist.

Wordlessly, the brunette pulled Freen in for another long kiss, and gave permission to Freen to do whatever she pleased.

-----

“Are you alright, Nita?” Nune asked as she rapped her knuckles against the bathroom door.

“Fine,” the teen weakly replied.

While it wasn’t convincing whatsoever, Nune knew from Freen that Nita had regressed quite a bit and was refusing all forms of assistance.

So, while Nune wanted to insist on helping the young girl, she decided it would be best to let her be and come back later.

“We left your dinner on the table. Pete and I will be watching a movie with Emily in the living room. Feel free to join us if you’re feeling better.”

With that, Nune stepped away from the door and went back to her husband and granddaughter. Inside the washroom, Nita continued to sit with her back to the wall and managed to take several controlled breaths in a row.

She was calming down, which was good, but she still felt on edge, which meant anything triggering could send her right back into a panic attack.

For the briefest moment, Nita wondered if this would warrant a call to Freen, but she quickly decided against it as it felt useless to rely on other people.

Nita continued her controlled breathing and squeezed her own knee in hopes of tricking her brain into calming down. It was almost entirely unsuccessful, but Nita continued it for her own sake.

Muffled by the door, Nita heard the sound of a movie start. It was an action film by the sounds of it, and the thunderous, quick-paced music started making Nita's heart race once more.

In an attempt to calm down again, Nita tried to think of some of her few pleasant memories. Somewhere along her trajectory of thoughts that were all neutral and un-traumatizing the sound of a gun going off made Nita change course and barrel towards the memory that was triggered back on July.

A second pop from the movie had Nita breathing heavily once more with her hands going over her ears like she did every time it happened.

“I warned you!” Mark yelled as he shook the handgun around. “You let me do what I want, and we won’t have a problem, but no,” Mark ranted, dragging the ‘o’ on his ‘no.’ “Little miss do whatever the fuck she wants told me to stop. Well, guess what you little shit, this is the consequence!”

Nita curled further against the wall of the shed as terrified sobs racked her body. Mark pointed the gun a few feet away from her and shot it, hitting an old tire in the process. Nita cried out at the loud noise and reached up to cover her ears.

“What were my rules Pranita?” Mark demanded as he stomped over and pulled the girl’s hands from her head.

“What were my rules?!” The man screamed, making the teen cry and shake her head.

“I’m sorry,” she managed to say before going on to repeat it over and over.

“Stop your fucking mumbling,” Mark seethed, smacking his hand over Nita's head and getting up once more.

He aimed the gun at the tire again and shot it, allowing the loud pop to scare Nita into submission.

“The next time I’ve got you doing something are you going to tell me to stop?” the man asked in an eerily calm tone.

“No,” Nita cried as she shook her head.

“Exactly. No,” the man repeated in a chilling voice. “Otherwise, I’ll have to bring your little sister out here to see if she can listen better.”

“No!” Nita screamed, her voice desperate for Mark to leave Emily out of this.

Mark shot the tire again, setting the girl right back in her place.

“You don’t talk back to me.”

“I’m sorry,” Nita said, doing her best to get some more control over her emotions. “I’ll do as you say,” she added for good measure, making the man smile his sickening smile.

“Good. Now, where were we?”

-----

“You just couldn’t wait until we got home,” Becky laughed breathlessly as she redid the button of her pants and watched Freen giggle and shrug.

“It’s more fun this way,” Freen said before sitting up properly and reaching for Becky's bag.

“What’re you looking for?” the brunette asked as she also sat up a bit.

“ Uno. I insist on a rematch since you completely destroyed me the first time,” Freen explained, smiling proudly when she withdrew the deck of cards from the bag.

“You promise not to get sad if I win?” Becky asked with a smirk.

“As long as you promise not to cheat,” Freen said, making Becky's smirk drop and a feigned shock appear in its place.

“ Freen Sarocha, I would never!” Becky said, seemingly appalled by the thought. “I am an honest winner.”

“And a cocky one too,” Freen jabbed as she handed the cards out. “But your reign is coming to an end. I can feel it.”

“Bring it on,” Becky challenged.

For all the smack talk, the game itself remained controlled and calm. Becky started out on top, but just as Freen seemed to be losing all hope she managed to turn things around and brought the game home.

With an excited toss of her cards and a jovial scream, Freen got to her feet and did a celebratory dance on the bed of the truck.

“How did this even happen?” Becky asked as she recounted her total number of collected groups.

“I win, I win, I win,” Freen sang as she continued to dance.

“Just this once,” Becky said with a teasing smile. “Now get down before you break your neck.”

“You have to admit, you did not see that coming,” Freen said as she returned to her spot and helped Becky to collect the cards.

“I didn’t. You really blindsided me there,” Becky agreed with a wink, which made Freen blush.

“Round two?” Freen suggested as Becky shuffled the deck.

“Sure, but I’m not going easy on you this time,” Becky said, making Freen roll her eyes.

“Sure Jan, whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Just as Becky gave Freen her hand of cards, the sound of Freen's phone ringing interrupted them.

The foster mom searched for her device for a moment before fishing it out of the blankets and answering to her Mae.

“Hi Mae,” Freen greeted, her languid smile falling completely when she heard her Mae's frantic voice on the other end. “Wait slow down!”

-----

Nita felt stuck. The bathroom was too tight. Her clothes were too tight. Her skin was too tight. Everything was wound so tightly against her and she felt just about ready to explode.

It started when Pete had stopped
by the door to check on her.

“Come on out whenever you want. We’ll be waiting for you,” he had said before walking away.

“We’ll be waiting for you.”

“We’ll be.”

“I’ll be.”

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

The words ran a chill down Nita's back and brought her to her current position of feeling like everything was squeezing her too tightly.

She wanted out, she didn’t know how to achieve that, but she knew she needed to if she didn’t want to pass out on the bathroom floor of Nune and Pete.

After tugging at her shirt a few too many times and thinking of all the ways she could extract herself from her own skin, the intensity of all her sensations became too much and Nita did the only thing she knew to do.

She ran.

As quickly as her shaking legs could carry her, Nita got off the bathroom floor, ran out the front door, and booked it down the street in the direction that her body was subconsciously taking her.

Her fear of being chased by someone kept pushing her forward. It also helped that she felt less stuck. Her skin felt less tight and her body was naturally forcing itself to take the deep breaths she was so desperate for from the moment that Freen and Becky dropped her off.

She felt in control once again. That’s all that mattered to Nita.

-----

“I’m worried about her. What if she’s sick,” Nune spoke up as Pete re-entered the living room and took his seat next to her.

“I just checked on her and told her that we’ll be waiting for her here if she wants to join us. I didn’t hear her getting sick or anything like that,” Pete promised as he hit play on the remote and allowed the loud action movie to start up once again.

Nune couldn’t ignore the gnawing feeling that remained in the pit of her stomach. While she wanted to step in and help the girl, she also knew that Nita had special boundaries that had to be accounted for.

But Nune knew something wasn’t right. It was the same feeling she felt the day she arrived home after Freen's graduation and expected to find her daughter there.

“ Teerak, everything is okay,” Pete whispered his comfort, clearly noticing Nune's continuous worry.

“I should check on her just in case,” Nune said, before briefly glancing at Emily who was fully invested in the film. “Keep an eye on Emily.”

Pete nodded his agreement and allowed his wife to go and check on Nita once more.

As Nune approached the bathroom door she frowned when she noticed it was slightly ajar.

Not wanting to invade the teen’s privacy, Nune rapped her knuckles against the door and grasped the handle to keep it in place.

“ Nita, are you sure you’re alright? I can call Freen if you aren’t feeling well,” Nune said before pressing her ear close to the crack of the door.

When a long silence greeted her, Nune began to grow suspicious.

“ Nita? Sweetheart, please answer me otherwise I’ll have to come in.”

Once more, silence dragged along, making Nune's heart race. Without a second thought, Nune pushed the door open and found the bathroom empty of the girl that was once hiding in it.

“ Nita?!” Nune called out, doing everything in her will power to keep calm as she searched the house. “ Nita, I need to know that you’re okay!” The older woman said before hurrying upstairs and checking all of the rooms. “ Nita!”

Pete seemed to have heard his wife’s calling and hurried to find her at the entrance of the house where she was rushing to grab her phone from the small table by the door.

“What’s wrong? Is Nita alright?” Pete asked, looking around the entrance for the girl.

“She’s gone!” Nune said in a panic as she rushed to call her daughter.

“Gone?!” Pete questioned, instantly growing panicked himself. “ Nita!” the man called out as he took over the search for the girl in the home.

“ Freen!” Nune said in a hurry when her daughter finally answered the phone. “It’s Nita. She’s run off-,”

“Wait, slow down!” Freen interrupted. “What’s going on?”

“ Nita locked herself in the bathroom after you left and now she’s gone! Pete and I can’t find her anywhere in the house. I’m so sorry, Freen. She was in the washroom thirty minutes ago, I swear-!”

“ Bec, we have to go. Nita's run off,” Freen could be heard saying on her end before returning to the conversation. “ Becky and I are going to head to your area to look for her. Can you guys stay at your place in case she comes back?”

“Of course. I’ll give you a call the second that happens!” Nune promised before adding, “I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t know what happened to her. I don’t know what scared her.”

“She’s been going through a lot. It’s not your fault, Mae. I’ll update you if we find her. Everything will be okay,” Freen promised, though the waver in her voice made it very difficult to believe it.

-----

“We have to go look around my Mae's place,” Freen said to Becky who drove as quickly as she could towards the suburbs.

“Shouldn’t we check at home first?” Becky asked, making the foster mom rub her face.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. Fuck!” Freen yelled, her worry bubbling and boiling over as she realized just how hard it would be to find the teen in a city as big as theirs.

“We need to put ourselves in Nita's shoes,” Becky said as she rushed through a yellow light.

“Where does she go when she’s scared?”

“Her room. Always her room. She sits on the corner of the bed and listens to her music,” Freen said, hoping with all her heart that Nita would run back to that spot like all the other times before.

“We’ll check there then. And after that, we’ll go to your parent's neighbourhood. And if we still can’t find her, we’ll call our friends and head to the hockey club, alright? It’ll be okay,” Becky  promised as she gently grasped Freen's hand and continued to rush back to their home.

“I hope so,” Freen said as she nervously chewed her lip and looked out her window.

As she did, Freen prayed to whatever powerful being was out there that her girl would be safe and sound in the only place she knew she could seek refuge in.

Ten minutes later, Becky was pulling the car up to the townhouse. Freen barely let her girlfriend stop the car before she was jumping out of it and running towards the door.

A mixture of more panic and the slightest bit of relief filled her stomach when she found the front door was unlocked. Either they forgot to lock it on their way out, or Nita got in using the spare key and left it unlocked behind herself. Freen hoped with every fiber of her being that it was the latter.

“ Nita!” Freen called out as she ran up the stairs and briefly searched the middle floor before booking it for the top floor. “ Nita!” Freen tried again as Becky joined her at the top floor and they both rushed for the girls’ room.

They looked inside to find both beds untouched, just the way they left them a few hours ago.

“No, no, no,” Freen mumbled as she backed up and went to look in the hallway washroom.

“ Nita, baby, where are you?!” Freen called out desperately, her now erratic breathing almost preventing her from hearing the distant sound of crying.

“Our room,” Becky said, pointing Freen to the other door that was slightly ajar. They hadn’t left it that way.

Freen hurried to the door and almost collapsed with relief when she saw Nita curled up in the middle of her’s and Becky's bed.

“Baby,” Freen whispered as she entered the rest of the way and went to the furthest end of the bed which Nita was facing. “Oh, my baby,” Freen sighed when she took in the sight of Nita's tear-streaked face.

Nita was seemingly working her way down from a panic attack, making for more sniveling and hiccupping than when she was starting, or in the midst of one.

“ Freen,” Nita whimpered at the sight of her foster mom.

“I’m here,” Freen promised as she brushed back some of Nita's hair from her face.

Noticing the slight pick-up in her breathing, Freen decided to close some of the distance between herself and the teen. Freen kicked off her shoes and climbed onto the bed so she could lay parallel to Nita who desperately grabbed her arm once she was close enough.

“It’s okay,” Freen promised as she felt Nita grab her wrist with shaking hands.

Briefly, Freen glanced at Becky who was standing back and looking over the teen from a distance. She was clearly making a mental checklist of things she needed to grab for the girl to make her more comfortable.

Once Becky left the room to get the things, Freen set her full attention back onto Nita.

“What happened, baby? What scared you?” Freen asked as she used her free hand to wipe some of the tears off of Nita's cheeks.

Nita's breathing hitched and she shook her head back and forth, and clear sign that she couldn’t say it.

“You can tell me. I’ll make it better, I promise,” Freen whispered as she shuffled just a bit closer.

“He touched me,” Nita whimpered out before more ragged breaths made their way through her body.

“ Pete?!” Freen asked, not knowing of any other males that could’ve been around Nita since they dropped her off.

“No,” Nita cried, as more tears fell down her cheeks. “Mark. My-y last foster dad-d,” Nita  shuddered through, finally getting that off her chest.

“ Nita.,” Freen sighed, not knowing what else to say to revelation. Her heart was shattered for the sixteen-year-old.

“ Pete looks like him. That’s why I get scared,” Nita managed to explain past her constricted breathing and sobs.

“You’re not there anymore,” Freen said, though she wasn’t entirely sure if she said it for Nita's sake or for her own. “Take some deep breaths, baby,” Freen instructed when she noticed Nita's bottom lip take on a blue tint.

“I can’t,” Nita sobbed out as she released Freen's wrist and shakily sat up. “ Freen, I can’t breathe,” Nita repeated as she wrapped her arms around herself.

Considering the only other time she did this was in front of Becky, Freen gathered that the self-soothing hug was for the extreme panic attacks.

“It’s okay. You can do it,” Freen encouraged sitting up as well and reaching her hands up to cup the girl’s cheeks. “With me, my girl.”

Nita sobbed as Freen lovingly held her cheeks but did her best to follow her foster mother’s breathing pattern.

Deciding to go past one of Nita's typical boundaries, Freen released her cheeks and wrapped her arms around the girl, hoping the extra pressure of a hug would have the right effect on her.

For the briefest moment, Freen worried that Nita would pull away as her body tensed up.

However, the teen took a shocking turn and quickly untensed her whole body before releasing her own self-hug and wrapping her arms around Freen as well.

For the first time, Nita allowed herself to hug someone other than her mom or Emily back. And when she did Nita was instantly hit with a wave of sadness as she realized that even her own mother didn’t hug her as lovingly and as closely as Freen was right now.

It was right then that all the trauma Nita faced as a kid – all of the threats, the screaming, the physical and emotional abuse – bubbled to the surface and forced Nita deeper into the embrace so she could cry out the sorrow that was set deep in her heart.

Freen held Nita a bit closer when she felt the weight of the girl against her and the way the teen’s hands grabbed tightly to the back of her shirt in fear of letting go. Freen hardly realized it, but soon tears were falling down her own cheeks.

Maybe it was because Nita was finally letting someone hold her, or maybe it was because she realized this was the first time in a long time that Nita allowed herself to be a little girl in need of being held. Either way, it killed Freen that the sixteen-year-old was forced to grow up so quickly.

“I’m sorry,” Nita cried as she tucked her face into the crook of Freen's neck.

“No,” Freen whispered as she kissed the side of the teen’s head. “You don’t apologize for feeling, Nita. Not with me,” Freen insisted.

“Please, don’t leave me,” Nita continued to beg, as if her breakdown would warrant being abandoned.

“Never, baby. I’m right here with you. Always.”

Freen knew that once Nita was in a better place emotionally she would have to talk to her again about what her last foster dad did.

She needed to get as much information as possible to relay back to P'Beer so then no other child would fall victim to his sick problem and he could be locked up for good.

But for now, Freen simply held her child and offered as much physical comfort as she possibly could.

One hug would never heal sixteen years of emotional damage, but it was a step in the right direction, and Freen intended on holding onto it for as long as possible.

To be continued...