"and she embraced the chaos as it painted her life with purpose" - JH Hard

-----

Early March came quickly, and with it came the anniversary of Freen's dad’s passing.

Despite their still unsteady relation, Freen agreed to attend dinner with Nune, Pete, and Engfa to celebrate Fran.

Freen didn’t even bother asking about an invitation for her girls or Becky.

Instead, she allowed Becky to take the girls over to the Armstrong's place for dinner while she went to her Mae's (though she knew she would’ve enjoyed one far more than the other).

At 7pm on the dot, Freen knocked on the door of her childhood home.

It felt more foreign to her than ever before, but she didn’t have time to dwell on it since Pete opened the door and greeted her with a kind smile.

“ Freen! C’mon in,” Pete said, stepping aside from the girl. “You know this is your home too. You don’t have to knock.”

“I prefer not to barge in,” Freen replied as she kicked off her shoes and slipped her jacket off to put into the closet.

“You wouldn’t be barging. Engfa does it all the time.”

“Is she here yet?” Freen asked, speaking of her friend.

“Almost. Your Mae has everything set up in the yard, why don’t we head on out there?” Pete asked, starting to lead the way.

Freen silently followed and took the time to look around the house. It hadn’t changed despite her many months of avoidance.

“How does a margarita sound?” Pete asked before they stepped outside.

“I have to drive home later,” Freen said, declining the offer.

“One won’t do any harm-.”

“I’d rather not. I have the girls to think about.”

“Good on you. You’ll make a fine mother someday,” Pete praised.

Freen couldn’t help but flinch at the comment. She already was a mother the last time she checked.

“ Freen, so nice of you to join us,” Nune spoke up as her husband and daughter stepped outside.

“I’m doing it for dad,” Freen said, allowing her Mae to hug her but not returning the embrace.

“Right, well, margarita?”

“She’s driving,” Pete said, already answering for Freen.

“But one won’t hurt,” Nune said, to which her husband shook his head.

“I said the same thing. She’s worried about the girls.”

“Of course she is,” Nune sighed, moving back to the table that she was in the middle of setting.

“Really, Mae, you want to start this again?” Freen asked, exasperation in her tone.

“I’m not starting anything. I just thought it would be nice to celebrate your dad with a drink.”

“Well, I hope he won’t mind that I celebrate him with water instead of alcohol.”

Before the tension could escalate, the sound of the side gate opening caught everyone’s attention.

“Hello, family. I brought booze!” Engfa cheered, swinging the six-pack up high.

“None for Freen. She’s driving,” Nune said snarkily.

“Really, Mae. Watch a goddamn drinking & driving PSA.”

“I see I came at a good time,” Engfa said as she handed the beers off to Pete to put in the fridge.

“It’s not worth it,” Nune sighed. “Dinner’s ready.”

Freen rolled her eyes at her Mae while Engfa raised her eyebrows in slight amusement. Engfa approached Freen and gave her a proper hug in greeting before going and doing the same to Nune.

Pete returned to the yard with a plate full of fries fresh from the oven. He set them down at the table while all of the women took their seats.

“ Engfa, would you like a margarita?” Pete asked as he went over to the barbeque to remove the burgers.

“Maybe after dinner,” Engfa said. “Thanks for the offer, though.”

“See, Freen, that’s how you politely decline an offer,” Nune said, motioning to Engfa.

“You really want me to drink, don’t you?” Freen asked with mock humour in her voice.

“I won’t get into it with you again,” Nune said as she sipped her drink and accepted the burger Pete handed her.

“So, Freenky, no girls tonight?” Engfa asked, unknowingly adding to the tension.

“You know how Mae feels about kids,” Freen said, to which Nune shook her head.

“I love kids, you both know that. I can’t wait for the day that I have grandkids from the both of you running around here.”

Engfa seemed to cringe more at that comment than Freen did.

“That’s a little harsh,” Engfa said.

“Why? What did I say wrong?” Nune asked, looking between both girls.

“ Pranita and Emily are Freen's kids, honey,” Pete explained, only to have Nune wave him off.

“Not her real kids.”

“What about Engfa? Isn’t she your real kid?” Freen asked.

“Of course she is. You know what I mean, Freen.”

“I don’t. I really don’t, Mae. I’ve had Nita and Emily for almost a year now. I’ve cared for them, loved them, kept them safe; Does that not make me a mother?”

“If you were adopting them, then yes, it would, Freen. But those are not your kids and they are not my grandchildren because someone will come and take them one day,” Nune said, making an awkward silence fall over the table. “I can’t believe you’re selfish enough to make the day dedicated to your father all about you,” Nune said in exasperation.

“Dad would’ve loved Nita and Emily as his own no matter how long I had them for. He would’ve called me their mother.”

“Well, I’m sorry that he’s gone and I’m still here, then. By all means, feel free to go spend his anniversary with those girls,” Nune said, not even looking at her daughter anymore.

Freen sighed and got up from her seat. She turned to leave before she pausing and looking back to her Mae with tears falling down her cheeks.

“I’ve had a hell of a time raising these girls, Mae. I’ve been yelled at, pushed, hit, and the entire time I wondered where the hell my own Mae was to help me when I needed her.”

“No one forced you to become a foster parent, Freen. That was your own choice,” Nune said.

“Yeah, well I’m glad I did it. Because despite all of that hard stuff, every time I look at them I feel a love I’ve never felt before. And while it kills me that someday I may not have them anymore, it kills me even more to think that you decided to miss out on this part of my life. They’re good kids and I’m a good mom. I just wish you could see that.”

With that Freen left, leaving the other three adults to sit in an uncomfortable silence.

“Do you remember what you felt when I asked you to be my Mae?” Engfa asked Nune, which made the woman nod.

“Of course I do. I already loved you so much, but that question really made it for me. I felt the same love for you at that moment that I felt the first time I held Freen in my arms.”

“Well, that’s what Freen's feeling. Nita and Emily are more than just some foster kids. They’re her babies, just like Freen and I are yours.”

Nune paused and mulled the words of her daughter over. A rush of sadness seemed to flood her when realization set in.

-----

Freen knocked on the door of Armstrong's. As she waited for someone to answer, she quickly double-checked her makeup with her phone to make sure it hadn’t run while she cried on the drive over.

She heard the excited voice of Emily, as well as a bark from one of the dogs, before the door swung open to reveal an out of breath Becky.

“ Babe, what’re you doing here?” Becky asked, a smile breaking out on her face as she pulled her girlfriend in for a kiss.

“Things sort of blew up at my Mae's,” Freen explained, allowing Becky to pull her inside and shut the door behind her.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Becky said, running her thumb along Freen's cheek, a clear sign that she knew Freen had been crying.

“It’s okay. She made her choice and I’ve made mine,” Freen said, nodding in finality. “How’re the girls?”

“Good. Emi and I were just playing with the dogs out back and Nita's helping my parents with the dishes. Have you had anything to eat?” Becky asked, leading Freen into the kitchen where Sunny was scrubbing plates and serving dishes, Araya was rinsing, and Nita was drying them.

“I’m not hungry,” Freen replied, which caught Araya's attention.

“ Freen, how’re you doing?” Araya asked, turning off the tap and taking the drying rag from Nita, offering a thanks to the girl before telling her she was free to go outside with Emily.

“I’m good, Araya. How’re you?”

“Good, good. What happened with the dinner with your Mae?”

Freen sighed and made an explosion noise along with a hand motion, answering Araya's question.

“I see. Would you like something to eat? Drink? I was about to give the girls some cupcakes for dessert if you want one.”

“That’s really kind of you, but I’m not feeling so great right now. Thank you for spoiling the girls so much, though.”

“I love to do it,” Araya waved off, only making Freen shake her head.

The foster mom approached and hugged Araya, conveying how much it meant for her to act as a grandmother to the girls that many claim weren’t even apart of the family.

“I really appreciate it na ka,” Freen said as Araya hugged her back.

Sensing that it ran deeper, Araya hugged her back just a bit harder before letting her go.

“Why don’t you two go outside with the girls? I’ll find Sunny and bring out the cupcakes in a little bit.”

Freen and Becky nodded, taking each other’s hands before walking out back where Nita was sprawled out on the grass with Gracie while Bon chased Emily around.

“Mama!” Emily yelled happily, running towards the mom and raising her arms for a big hug.

Freen effortlessly scooped up the almost seven-year-old and pressed a loving kiss on her cheek before setting her down.

“What happened to your dinner?” Nita asked as Freen and Becky joined her on the picnic blanket.

“I left early,” Freen said, lightly brushing some hair from Nita's face, and smiling to herself when the girl didn’t shoo her off. “I’d prefer to celebrate my dad’s life with you guys anyways.”

Nita nodded and looked ahead of herself before getting up and heading inside the house.

“Where is she off to?” Freen asked, watching the teen go into the kitchen.

“Don’t know,” Becky said with a shrug, grunting when Emily threw herself on top of her with a giggle. “Goodness, didn’t that running tucker you out?”

“Nope!” Emily replied, squealing when Gracie crawled closer and licked her face.

“ Gracie..,” Sunny laughed from the distance. “You’re going to get slobber in that poor girl’s hair.”

“I know how to wash it by myself now,” Emily said matter-of-factly.

“Well congratulations,” Sunny said, sitting beside his daughter on the blanket.

“ Freen still trying to recover from being fired as official hair washer,” Becky said, making Sunny laugh and nod.

“Watching them grow up is the hardest part of being a parent. Don’t worry, you’ll only cry a little,” Sunny said, patting Freen's shoulder kindly.

“Oh, she cried,” Becky promise, now taking the opportunity to tease her girlfriend.

“Who cried?” Araya asked, joining them on the blanket and leaning against her husband.

“ Freen when Emi learned how to wash her own hair.”

“Only a little,” Freen argued.

“Don’t worry, Freen. I cried when Marima told me she could wash her own hair too. It’s like she tore a piece of my heart away.”

“See, I am not the only one,” Freen said, mainly to Becky who was giggling up a storm.

“Just wait for the day she gets something like gum stuck in her hair and comes crying to you to wash it out,” Araya said, giving a pointed look to Becky.

“Hey! That was one time,” Becky said, making Freen and her parents laugh.

“You were also 20. Lord only knows how you managed to get gum stuck in your hair as an adult,” Araya said, rolling her eyes playfully.

“Very easily actually. Just be in a car and hit a speed bump too fast. It really isn’t that hard.”

Freen seemed to laugh a bit harder at that, making Becky smile proudly. She preferred to see her girlfriend laughing than being distraught like a few minutes ago.

“Hey, where’s Nita?” Becky asked.

“And the cupcakes?” Emily followed up with, making Sunny shake his head with a smile.

“On her way out. She said she wanted to do something special.”

Not thirty seconds later, Nita was walking out with the plate of cupcakes, one hand raised to block something.

As she approached, the glow of candles became more apparent, and as she knelt down to reveal them Freen couldn’t help the tears of appreciation that welled in her eyes.

“I know that someone’s death isn’t something to sing about, but you said you wanted to celebrate your dad’s life. What better way to do that then to make a wish and blow out some candles?” Nita asked, looking to Freen who smiled warmly at her.

“That is so thoughtful of you, baby. My dad would’ve loved this,” Freen said, reaching out to give one of Nita's hands a squeeze.

“Make a wish,” Nita urged, sliding the plate a bit closer to Freen.

Freen stared at the flickering candles for a beat, closed her eyes, and then blew them out.

“What’d you wish for, mama?” Emily asked, looking up to Freen with a thoughtful gaze.

“If she tells you it won’t come true, Emi,” Becky reminded, giving the six-year-old’s tummy a tickle.

“ Becky's right,” Freen said, brushing back the child’s crazy hair. “But I promise, it was a good wish.”

-----

For almost an hour, the small family laid around the backyard and ate cupcakes while watching the night sky past the twinkle lights that were hung up.

Emily had fallen asleep in Becky's arms, and Nita had laid close enough to Freen to allow for the foster mom to gently run her fingers up and down her arm, a soothing action that almost lulled the teen to sleep.

Freen and Becky were deep into a discussion about a camping trip over spring break when Araya poked her head out of the kitchen and told Freen that there was someone at the door for her.

“I wonder who that could be,” Freen said, getting up from her spot and heading into the house.

“In the foyer,” Araya instructed as Freen walked in, making the younger woman nod and head in that direction.

When Freen arrived at the front door she faltered in step at the sight of her Mae.

“ Freen, Engfa told me you’d be here.”

“What do you want?” Freen asked, feeling her once happy disposition slip away.

“I’ve been thinking. I may have been too quick to judge you and your situation.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Freen bit back, already feeling the tears welling in her eyes.

“You have to understand that this is all new for me too. At the beginning, all of your calls to me were about troubles you were having with Pranita and I just knew that you weren’t happy, which made me resentful. I want you to be happy all the time, Freen, and I guess I let that dictate how I thought of Emily and Pranita. I thought that they were robbing you of the chance to be content,” Nune explained, looking down shamefully.

“They weren’t robbing me of anything, Mae. They had their childhoods taken from them. I was trying my best to help them find it again. And I know my calls weren’t great, but they were my way of seeking help from you, not as your child but as a mother who needed advice.”

“I see that now,” Nune conceded.

“Do you? Because less than two hours ago you were saying that I wasn’t a real mother and that those weren’t my children.”

“Two hours ago I didn’t know how much you loved them. When I became a parent, I vowed to love the things that you loved most. I have faltered, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like a second chance. I want to be apart of your life, Freen. That also means I want to be apart of their life as well.”

Freen sighed and tried her best to wipe her tears as they fell.

“You’ve missed out on so much,” Freen sobbed, making tears well in her own Mae's eyes. “My life has changed so much, and you didn’t want to see it happen.”

“I want to now. I really do. Please, Freen,” Nune said, stepping closer. “Please ka. Let me try this again.”

Freen thought it over for a beat before weakly nodding and allowing her Mae to pull her into an embrace.

“I know your dad would’ve gotten this right from the beginning. But I think today is a good day to try to start again,” Nune said as she held her daughter close.

Freen nodded as well and pulled back, wiping her cheeks and sniffling back her tears.

“In that case, I want you to meet someone,” Freen said, taking Nune's hand and leading her to the back of the house.

Together, they stepped into the yard and gained the attention of Becky who was in the midst of continuing the soothing stroking of Nita's arm that Freen had previously stopped.

By the looks of it, both girls were now fast asleep, a sight that made Nune smile lightly.

“ Mae, this is Becky. My girlfriend. Beck, this is my Mae, Khun Nune,” Freen introduced the two, reaching for Emily while Becky got to her feet to properly greet the older woman.

As Freen held Emily in her arms, she watched her Mae and girlfriend shake hands for the first time.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Becky kindly said, making Nune agree and return the sentiment.

“Thank you for being there for my daughter when I wasn’t,” Nune said, looking between Becky and her daughter who was lovingly holding to the little girl.

“She’s great,” Becky said, winking at Freen who blushed. “A real supermom if you ask me.”

“Motherhood suits you, Freen,” Nune said, smiling kindly as she looked at Emily's face.

“It really does,” Becky agreed.

-----

Despite the compliments from the night before, Freen couldn’t help but feel like motherhood was testing her the next morning.

It was a Sunday, and while she would’ve liked to sleep in, her girls’ early night caused them to have an early morning.

The foster mom awoke to the sound of an extremely loud movie playing downstairs and the smell of something cooking.

In fear that Emily had turned on the stove, Freen all but jumped out of bed and tore her way downstairs to find the kitchen in a state of disarray with Nita and Emily to match.

The girls were in the midst of scooping some type of batter onto a pan when the doorbell rang, making all three people look to the stairs.

“What is going on here?” Freen asked, ignoring the doorbell for a second to figure out why the girls were covered in egg and flour.

“We’re making pancakes,” Emily proudly stated before pointing to the TV. “And watching, Princess and the Frog!”

The doorbell rang again, reminding them of the person at the door.

“Someone should get that,” Nita said cheekily as she licked some batter off of her finger and set the bowl aside.

“Clean this up, please,” Freen sighed, motioning to her whole kitchen before she went down to answer the door.

Her heart all but stopped when she pulled it open to find P'Beer waiting there.

“Shi--- hi, P'Beer. What brings you around?” Freen asked, casually reaching up to brush her fingers through her hair and salvage what little respect she had from the woman.

“Random home check,” P'Beer said, doing a once over of Freen's pyjama short/tank top ensemble.

“On a Sunday?” Freen asked, cringing when something fell above them.

P'Beer's eyes glanced up in question before she looked back at Freen.

“ Ka. Sunday counts as a random day too. May I come in?” P'Beer asked, to which Freen nodded.

“Of course,” Freen said, sporting the best fake smile she could while thinking of various ways she could get the girls to clean things up before they got up there.

In hindsight, that only happened in movies, which means that P'Beer was about to see the chaos that Freen hadn’t fully wrapped her head around either.

“Do you always let the girls watch movies at that volume?” P'Beer asked as she slipped her shoes off and grabbed a notepad from her bag.

“Not typically. No,” Freen said, starting to walk up the stairs. “In fact, I’ll ask them to put it down right now.”

Freen rushed up a bit faster than P'Beer, mouthed something to Nita and Emily about cutting out the cooking, before she finally grabbed the remote and muted the movie.

“Busy morning?” P'Beer asked when she arrived in the kitchen, already writing something down in her notepad.

“Just making some pancakes,” Nita said nonchalantly, keeping her back to her social worker as she flipped pancakes.

“I can see that. Does it usually get this messy when you cook?” P'Beer asked Freen who shook her head negatively.

“Nope. I keep a clean space unlike these two,” Freen said, once again forcing a smile as she moved around the kitchen in an attempt to restore it to its previous glory.

“So they’re making stuff over a hot stove without supervision?” P'Beer pressed.

“No way!” Freen said, awkwardly laughing as she hip-butted Nita to the side and took the spatula from her.

“Hey-,” Nita started to argue, only to have Freen shoot her a pleading glance.

“I let them handle the preparation of the batter. You know kids when they see flour.”

“It’s like snowwww!” Emily said before shoving her fist into the flour bag that was still on the counter.

“Okay, that’s enough,” Freen awkwardly laughed, handing the spatula back to Nita before rushing to Emily and lifting her off of the chair and away from the flour.

“See what I mean?” Freen asked P'Beer as she took a rag and wiped Emily's hands clean.

“Mmh-hmm,” the social worker said, clearly unamused by the chaos. “I need to check their room.”

“Of course you do,” Freen whispered under her breath as she led the woman upstairs to the room that was no-doubt still a mess.

“The beds aren’t going to get made?” P'Beer asked, writing more in her notebook.

“It’s barely 8am, P'Beer. Please cut me some slack,” Freen all but begged, rubbing her face in both exhaustion and embarrassment.

“This is the longest visit I’ve had without Nita saying something insulting to me,” P'Beer said, making Freen look at her. “And every time I came here she was always hiding in her room, today she wasn’t. Emily has not questioned if I’m going to take them from the home. And for the first time ever, your home looks like you actually have two kids living in it.”

“I’m sorry, I’m still waking up and I’m very confused,” Freen said, not entirely able to wrap her head around what P'Beer was saying.

“This is an improvement in my eyes, Freen. I know it’s 8am and you weren’t expecting this visit, but I can promise you, you aren’t failing it. These are major changes. You’re doing a great job.”

“Oh, thank Buddha,” Freen sighed out, allowing herself to sit on the edge of Nita's bed for a minute. “I thought this was going to be it. I really did.”

“I’m not going to punish you for having a messy home, or for letting the girls watch movies too loud, or for letting them make pancakes on a Sunday morning.”

Freen laughed and took a deep breath, relieved to hear that things looked good in P'Beer's eyes.

“I’ll get out of your hair, Freen. My only suggestion: no kids near a hot stove. It never ends well.”

“Speaking of,” Freen said, pointing downstairs. “I have some pancakes to help make.”

To be continued...

A/N:

Pete Nopachai Jayanama