November 16, 2010

"You know, Lilly. I think a lot of people would think the whole eyebrow scar thing is cool." Danny shrugs. I put the compact mirror I was holding (I made Tom get it for me from the hospital gift shop) down and look at him. 

"Thank you Danny." I smile. But that's not really what I was looking at. I was looking at the person I had become. 

I didn't look the way I had when we were in Australia. I was no longer tan and freckled. The bangs I had gotten while on the Motion in the Ocean tour had grown out and my hair, which had been full of waves from the salty air, was now back to being straight. I was pale, my cheeks were hollow and the shadows under my eyes were almost scary. I'd stopped taking care of myself, and I looked exactly like the scared young girl I was when I was alone and had first applied for Fletch. 

"Lilly, you've got to talk to him." Dougie says. 

"He's right." Tom says sitting on my bed. They were of course talking about Harry, who was currently being comforted by his worried girlfriend Izzy back in his room. She had rushed back from her family's home as soon as she heard news of the accident. 

When I had swerved the wheel, Harry and I hit a tree, which was better than hitting someone else. His car was totaled and he broke his hand when he put his arm out to brace me. That move had also, in turn, broken my collarbone. The stitches on our foreheads were results of the windshield shattering. 

"No, actually. I don't have to talk to him." I say. 

"Lilly, if your going to continue to work for us, you have to talk to the drummer of our band." Tom sighs. 

I knew he was right, but in this moment, I felt I could have gone the rest of my life without ever speaking to Harry again. 

"How could he be so stupid?" I ask all three of the boys standing in my room. "How could he be so stupid to drive so drunk." 

"He was mad." Dougie says. 

"I wonder why." I say, sarcastically. I know Harry was mad because Dougie had told him something, but I didn't know what that was. Maybe if I did, I could forgive Harry, but he wouldn't tell me, and neither would Dougie. 

"Lilly, when he comes in here-" Danny starts. 

"When he comes in here?" I ask, confused. Then there's a knock on my door. "Oh no." I say, holding my good arm up to Danny. "No way! Danny Jones, don't you dare open that-" 

But he opened the door anyways. 

I stopped immediately and sat back down on my bed where I had been before. 

"Hi Lil-" 

"Get out." I say. 

"Lilly-" Tom starts. 

"No Tom! He-" 

"Just listen for a minute, would you please?" Tom asks. I stop and let out a huff. "We're going down to the cafeteria. We've been here all morning. You're going to talk to Harry. Say what's on your mind."

"Don't hold back!" Danny adds with a smile. 

"Don't leave me here with him." I beg Tom, in a whisper this time, even though I'm sure Harry can hear me. Tom gives me a sympathetic smile and him, Dougie and Danny file out of my room, closing the door behind them. I look at Harry, and if looks could kill, he'd be dead. He walks towards me and sits at the end of my bed. 

"Lilly, I'm so sorry." He says. 

"What did Dougie tell you?" I ask him, seriously. He looks at the floor and sighs. 

"I can't tell you." He says. 

"Why?" I ask, getting more frustrated. 

"I promised Dougie I wouldn't tell anyone, alright?" He says. "I was...I was already really drunk and what he said...it just made me mad. I've never been like that before I was just...worried." 

"I told you not to drive. I told you to pull over." I say. 

"And I didn't listen. And we can go on saying things that we already know happened, but that would be a waste of time." He says. Harry was smart. Too smart, which was why it was hard to have the upper hand with him. "I know that what I did was awful. And I know sometimes in these past six years...I've been an asshole." 

"Yeah." I say. 

"But I also know that you're one of the best things that's ever happened to all of us." Harry says. He laughs a little. "I'd probably be in jail right now if it weren't for you."

Don't smile, Lilly. Stay strong. 

"I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I don't know...what got into me, but-" he leans over a little, getting his face closer to mine, and I look him in the eyes. "I'd never mean to hurt you. I was just mad and acting stupid." 

I continue to look at him in his very blue eyes. 

He was Harry. He was hot headed and witty and a poor loser and stubborn, but he was also smart and caring and one of my best friends. I'd been a fool to even think I could go the rest of my days not speaking to him. I was mad, but I believed him. I believed he'd never want to hurt me, or anyone. I remember, a long time ago, when he was telling me about Dougie. 

I'd do anything to mess with you Lilly, you know that to be true. But I do it cause I love you and I know you. You can take it. Dougie...I would never do anything to hurt Dougie. He doesn't tell people when he's hurting.

 The truth was, even if I didn't want to admit it, that I'd been thinking the person I'd encountered last night was the true Harry Judd. Hurtful and rough and dangerous, when the reality is that's the part of Harry he tries to hide. The part where he gets to know someone so well and he cares for them so much that he gets so worried it turns into anger. He wan't trying to hurt me. He was trying to flee from the situation so fast, he forgot to think first. 

"Also...I've decided. I'm done drinking." Harry says. "Forever." I look up at him. Harry Judd. The Harry Judd, never drinking again? 

"I'll believe it when I see it." 

"Well you'll see it." Harry nods, determined. "I've probably already drank my way to liver failure in the past seven years. Plus, I don't need it. It's never done anything good for me anyways."

I believe you'd never try to hurt me." I say in the same tone I had. "But I'm still mad. For now, at least." 

"I get that. Especially with-" He stops himself and looks back up at me. I know he was going to mention my parents. "Was that...please tell me that was just something you said to get me to stop."  

"No." I say quietly. "No, it's the truth." Harry just continues to look at me, shocked. I sigh and look away. I couldn't look in his eyes anymore. 

"I'm so sorry." He says. But he doesn't say it because he's supposed to. He says it because he means it. Because he's sorry what he did brought that back. 

"Yeah but...that's why I have you guys, right?" I ask, and Harry give me his classic cheeky smile. 

"That's why you have us." 

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