December 7, 2014

I had devised a plan. 

For a while now, I've been working on selling my house and tonight after rehearsal my real estate agent Cynthia was helping me do a showing. 

I planned that today, at the very end of rehearsal, I would tell just Tom and Harry I was quitting my job and moving to America. Then tomorrow I would tell just Matt and James, and the next day I would tell Danny and Dougie. 

There was a science behind this. 

I was least nervous to tell Matt and James since I found them to be wiser, and also I hadn't literally spent everyday for the past ten years with them, so I would put them in between the day I told the McFly boys, just so that my heart didn't, you know, explode. 

Harry was fury-filled and Tom was rational, so my hopes would be that telling them together would balance the effects out. 

That, or they would actually combust. 

I was most nervous to tell Danny and Dougie. Danny because he was emotional and Dougie because...well because he was Dougie. So naturally, I procrastinated. 

Just as the boys were packing up, I casually said:

"Oh and uh...Tom? Harry? I need to talk to you two quickly before you leave." My voice was definitely shaking, but they didn't seem to notice. Typical. 

"Uh oh! They're in trouble!" Dougie said, in a sing-song tone. 

"Sod off." Harry joked, laughing. The other four packed up their things rather slowly (I mean, probably not actually, but it sure felt that way) and made their way out. Tom and Harry finished packing their things and then walked up to me. The empty studio suddenly felt very big, and I felt very small. 

"What's up, Lil?" Tom asks casually. Harry and him were standing beside each other in front of me. 

"Okay." I say, taking a breath. "I'm gonna tell you something and I need you to not tell any of the other guys because...it's something I need to do...and I'm gonna do it in the next few days." 

"You're worrying me." Harry says, laughing nervously. 

"I'm quitting." I blurt out. 

There's silence. 

Oh God, I bet they're mad. 

They look at each other. 

Or what if they actually don't care? What if I'm making this huge deal and they don't even care I'm going to America? 

They look back at me. 

"Quitting what?" Tom asks. They're both smiling. 

"My job." I say. "I'm quitting my job." 

Their smiles fade. 

"I'm sorry-" Harry says. I can already hear the anger in his voice. "What?" 

"Tom help me." I say quietly. 

"No, I'm with Harry on this one." He says. Oh no. He's mad too. I've made an awful mistake. 

"Oh, what? Do you just have a job with another boy band lined up?" Harry yells. "Who is it? One Direction? Just because we're taking a different route then planned-" 

"I'm moving to America." I say quickly, and they go silent again. 

"Why?" Tom asks, also yelling. "That is like...the worst idea I've ever heard! You're going to start your life over in America? Find a house, find a job-" 

"I have a job. Lined up." 

"Oh yeah? What is it? Working retail?" Harry snaps. 

"No." I say, gaining strength in my voice. "I've been accepted to a program in Baltimore for me to become a paramedic." 

More silence. 

"No." Harry grits his teeth. "No you don't need to. That's stupid. Tom, tell her. Tell her no." 

I look over at Tom. His face has softened. He's looking at me. He says nothing. 

"Tom-" Harry repeats. 

"I'm happy for you, Lilly." Tom cuts him off. He says it quietly. Sadly. Like maybe, really, he doesn't mean it. But he wants to mean it, even if he doesn't. And he said it. That's all that matters. 

And I hug him. 

And he hugs me. Tight. 

We pull apart and Harry looks even angrier than before. 

"Tom!" He shouts. "What are you doing? Whose side are you on?" 

"I'm not on anyone's side, Harry!" Tom shouts. "You can't keep her here if she doesn't want to stay! You can't tie her down! Clearly this is something she really wants! You're going to take that away from our best friend?" 

Harry stops, and looks back over at me. He huffs a breath, covering his face and turning away from both Tom and me. When he turns back and uncovers his face, his blue eyes are watery. Like he could cry. 

"You can't leave us." He says. His voice is small. It echoes through the empty studio. 

"I'm sorry." I shake my head. "I'm sorry to both of you...all of you. But I've got to do this. It has been...an honor...growing up with you. I wouldn't trade everything you've given me for the world...but I've spent ten years watching other people live out their greatest dreams. Ten years watching you all find out what they're supposed to do with your lives and then do it in the most amazing way possible. I want that for myself now."

"But Lilly." Harry shakes his head. "This is what you're supposed to do with your life. You're amazing at this." I shrug. 

"Maybe that's true." I say. "But I have other ambitions. Other dreams. I have to know. I can't go my whole life not knowing if there is something else out there that I'm meant to be doing. I can't spend my whole life not knowing...what's my McFly." 

I look back over at Tom. He's the only one of us lot crying. And when I look back at Harry he still looks angry. But then, he hugs me too. And Tom joins in. 

"I love you." I say to both of them. 

"Love you too." Tom sniffs and we break apart. Harry elbows him jokingly and mumbles "pansy", but I'm pretty sure that's because Tom crying makes it harder for Harry not to cry. Tom wipes his eyes and then pushes his glasses back up with his thumb. 

"So when are you telling the others?" Tom sniffs. 

"Matt and James tomorrow...Danny and Dougie the next day." 

"Are you nervous?" Harry sniffs. He's not crying, but he's got the side effects like he has been for an hour. 

"For Danny and Dougie...yeah." I say. 

"We can be there...if you want." Harry says. Tom nods. 

"If you don't want that, that's okay too. But if you do-" 

"Yeah." I smile. "Yeah I'd really like that." They nod. 

"We're proud of you, Lilly. Just as proud as you are of us." Tom shakes his head. "You say we're brave for playing in front of tons of people...but you've done some brave shit too. You don't have to sell out arenas to be successful." 

"I know." I nod. 

"We believe in you." Harry says, putting an arm around a still weepy Tom. 

*******************************

I sigh, looking at the half full plate of cookies on my kitchen counter. I definitely made too many. Cynthia walks back into the kitchen, her designer heels click against the floor. 

"Doesn't seem like we have many interested buyers." She shakes her head. I feel discouraged. I definitely won't be able to pay my expenses in Baltimore and pay to keep this house. I've got to sell it. 

"I don't understand." I say, worried. "It's a big house in a beautiful area...surely someone wants it." Cynthia shrugs. 

"It doesn't seem like we've got anymore people coming in so maybe I should get going-" 

"Please don't." I beg. "I really need to sell my house." 

"You're cutting it too close, Lillian." She says, disapprovingly. 

"I know, trust me, I do. But I've cut a lot of things way closer before and they've worked out...so just...please. You're scheduled to stay another ten minutes. Just wait." I beg. She sighs. 

"Ten minutes." She repeats, walking out of the kitchen. I look back at the cookies, and walk away, closer to the doorway so I'll have a quick getaway to the bathroom if the sick I feel rising in my chest decides to expel itself from my body. 

"Sorry I'm late, I hope the showing isn't over. Traffic was awful and I was working late." I hear a familiar voice say from behind me. I spin around quickly. My eyes go wide as I'm filled with confusion. He picks up a cookie off the plate and takes a bite, chewing and swallowing. "But...I'm very interested in buying your house." 

Fletch. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my house. But I've been in Fletch's house and...mine would be considered a downgrade in the nicest of terms. That's what creating two of the UK's biggest boy bands will get you, I guess. 

"You want to buy my house?" I ask, confused. "Why do you want to buy my house?" 

"Well." Fletch shrugs. "I can let you go. But I won't accept the idea that you won't come back." 

//