TW- Panic Attack/ mention of suicidal thought

Dreams POV

I woke up to the sound of a flight attendant telling me to buckle up for landing. I was still out of it but I did so. I was still upset about leaving and my eyes were still puffy from crying on the plane earlier. Luckily no one was sitting next to me, but I definitely got some stares from people. A grown man crying on a plane. 

But the hardest thing is when all you want is someone who isn't in your grasps. So I have to wait, wait until he can be. 

But what was really bugging me wasn't the fact I was alone, it was the fact he was. I missed him with my whole heart. But I knew I was hurting him. Making him upset that I wasn't there. Making him cry. I hated knowing it was my fault. My fault he was in so much pain.

As the plane landed I headed off the plane and immediately texted George. I didn't get a response so I figured he took my advice and fell asleep. I had left my car here for the past few days and luckily remembered to bring my keys with me. I'm surprised I didn't lose them in the craziness of the past few days. It was still light out right now and I was a little exhausted from jetlag. After a half an hour drive the sun had already set and I decided to just go to bed right away. I would pick up patches from my Moms tomorrow.

I was to tired to even let my brain think about George so I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the bed.

I woke up back in Georges house. I was sitting on the couch and George was no where to be seen. I walked around the house looking for him but he wasn't there. I finally walked into the bathroom to find George hyperventilating on the floor.

"George, what's wrong!?" I didn't get an answer. "George!" I sit down next to him and try to put my hand on his shoulder but he disappears. I was now frantically looking for him. I started walking out of the bathroom before George stops me at the door.

"Don't you get it my panic attacks are all your fault. Your the cause of all of my pain. I hate you. Look what you've done to me! You mean nothing to me and you never have." Georges eyes were cold. They didn't show any love or affection in them. Just hatred. I couldn't bare looking into them anymore, but I couldn't help it. I felt guilty because I knew he was right. I turned back around to see George back on the floor crying. I reach my hand out to try and comfort him but he slaps it away.

"Stop it Dream! Don't you get it! All of this is your fault, I don't want you in my life anymore! All you do is hurt me. You make me want to kill myself! I HATE YOU!" George screamed at me and I felt the tears start running down my face. The warm liquid staining my skin. I run out onto the balcony trying to pull myself together. Is this what he really thought? Am I really the reason for all of his pain?

I am, aren't I?

I woke up in a cold sweat tears staining my face from the nightmare. I realized in that moment that everything in that Dream was true. I was hurting him so much. I was ruining him, he would be better off without me. I cry into my pillow and sob at the fact he was hurting. The dream felt so real and it seemed like that's how George actually felt. I looked at the time to see it was 6 AM. I knew I couldn't fall back asleep so I pulled out my phone to see a text from George.

George- Hey I'm awake now, you probably won't be up for a few hours but when you see this please call me. I love you.

I wanted to call George. I wanted to hear his voice and make sure he was ok. But I couldn't help but wonder if he meant what he said in the dream. He probably did. 

You heard him, he hates you. He doesn't want you in his life. You hurt him so much he wants to kill himself.

I hated myself for doing this to him. Wait. No this is a dream, this isn't actually him.

I pulled up his contact and called him. It started ringing and ringing. Did he not want to talk? The ringing stopped but silence was the only thing coming from the other phone.

"Baby, are you ok?" I ask.

"Ya, I-I just miss you a l-lot." He said through his sobs. My heart hurt I physically could not breath. It's like his voice was pulling a cord around my neck making me choke. I was trying to keep myself composed and not to make him worry so I took a few breathes in and out until I could breath better.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I miss you too."

"I just hate that you had to leave. It hurts not having you h-here. I um... I had another p-panic attack yesterday too, and I just miss you so so much." I was beating my self up for this. I've caused him 3 panic attacks. I'm an awful person, I don't deserve him nor understand why he is still in my life. I knew the next thing I had to do, but I wasn't excited about it. The one thing I learned from my past relationships was when I wasn't wanted. I knew when I left he would realize he doesn't need me.

"I'm sorry George. I have to go. I hope you feel better." I quickly hung up the phone not letting him respond. I was probably worrying him, but I just felt so alone. Deep down I knew George cared about me, but why would I get to be happy? What did I do to deserve him? And that's the point, I did nothing.

I laid back down on the bed both mentally and physically exhausted from the last 24 hours. All I wanted was to be holding him in my arms in the moment. I had no energy to get up or even leave my bed. After about a half an hour of lying down and starring into my blank ceiling I got a call from Sapnap. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, but I felt bad ignoring him.

"Hey man what's up?" I ask still out of it.

"Dude you sound bad. Are you ok?"

"I don't know, I just... I don't know."

"I'm sorry man, I hope you feel better. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No not really" I felt bad for pushing him away, but I didn't want to talk to anyone about it.

"Ok well if you ever want to talk I'm here."

"Thanks man love you" 

"Of course, love you too. I'll check on you again later ok?" I hummed before I hung up and laid back down in bed. I was lucky to have Sapnap as a friend, he was a great person and my best friend. 

1 week later

George POV

Dream had been ignoring me all week. I talked to him twice that week and he always made an excuse to get off the phone. What did I do? Why is he ignoring me? I couldn't take it anymore. But when I asked about it a few days ago he said he wasn't he was just busy. But he was never to busy for me. We promised to talk to each other everyday and he broke that within the first week. 

I was struggling to even get by anymore and the panic attacks were happening more frequently. I'd have 3 of them since he left and It just keeps getting worse. This long distance bull crap isn't working because he won't even talk to me. I've been trying to give him space to see if he would call me, but he never did it. I decided it was time to text Sapnap to see if he knew what was up.

George- Hey Sapnap do you know what's going on with Dream?

Sapnap- No I'm sorry I don't, I've been texting him everyday but most of the time he just ignores me. I'm really worried about him man.

George- I don't know what's wrong. Did I do something? He won't even talk to me anymore.

Sapnap- I don't know man. Just give him some space, maybe he will come around

George- Ya I guess bye

Sapnap- bye I'm sorry again

I put my phone down and walked into the kitchen. I've been wearing Dreams hoodie for the past week and it doesn't really help me anymore. I miss him a lot and it's like he just walked out of my life. I just wish he told me what I did. I knew it was to good to be true, but I miss it everyday.

I miss his flirts and his jokes. I miss his ability to calm me down and make me feel alive and wanted. I miss his hugs and his warmth. I miss how perfectly our lips collided. I miss his love. He told me everyday I was wanted. Everyday that I was going to be ok and that he loved me. He's been doing that even before he came here. He has always loved me and been silently helping me with all my pain. 

He has helped me so much with all of my mental health and emotions that made me want to end it all. But the reason I stay hopeful is him. Hopeful for a future were I don't get panic attacks, one where I'm happy. One where I have him. One where we live in a small house in Florida near the beach. Where the stars are visible to see overnight and the community is nice and supportive. We can settle down and adopt a kid. That's what I want with Dream. That is my dream. I don't want that with anyone else.

So I'm going to be there with him tell he at least talks to me again and pray he isn't trying to leave my life.

I pulled out my phone and texted him.

George- Hey, I miss you. I miss you being with me and your touch and your love. But I really miss your voice. I haven't talked to you in a week and it's been really hard. Did I do something? Because if I did I apologize for it. I would never mean to hurt you in anyway. So please just talk to me. Let me know your ok. And if your not let me help. I need you in my life and it hurts so much not having you in it. I won't push you to talk to me. But I want to say hello and I love you and I miss you like crazy. I love you so so much. Just talk to me when your ready please.

I sent the text and decided to do something productive today. I haven't been doing much other than moping around the past week about something I can't change at the moment. If Dream doesn't want to talk to me then that's his choice and he will come around when he is ready. I miss him like hell. And it's hard without him, but I can't stop my life for him. I can only pray he will come around again.

I was in a good mood today for some reason. This was one of the best days I've had since he left. Maybe it was the fact I texted him that made me feel better, it probably was. Maybe he won't respond but at least I'm trying to communicate.

I decided today I would do a stream. It's been a week since I've streamed and people are starting to talk again. I made a mod that made it so blocks would attack me when I try to destroy them. The harder the block is to destroy the more hits I need to kill it.

I load up Minecraft on one monitor and OBS on the other. After setting everything up I press start live and tweet letting people know I was live. After a few seconds people started joining. I was saying my hellos and planned to do this stream by myself. Once a good amount of people joined in I explained what I was doing and started. 

The blocks did a lot of damage and it was actually a really hard challenge. Quackity kept calling me whenever I died to make fun of me which was actually pretty funny. After about a half an hour and zero progress I was starting to get annoyed. I was answering donos the whole time and a lot of them were asking where I had been. I just told them I went on a break but I'm not sure if they believed me. Today I didn't have a fake smile on. I'm not saying that I was doing completely fine, but I was doing better than I've been doing in the past week. One of the longest weeks of my life.

After I streamed for about two and a half hours and made barely any progress on the challenge I decided to end stream. I was done with it anyways. I said my goodbyes and turned off my computer. I stood up waddling into the kitchen to make dinner. I hadn't been eating that much food recently from a lack of appetite. So I decided to have an actual meal tonight. I decided on door dashing food from Taco Bell as I wasn't in the mood to make food. Ordered two tacos and a drink and sat and watched TV tell it came.

While I was sitting I pulled out my phone to see notifications from snapchat and some texts from my friends. Nothing from Dream though. I go to our conversation to see Dream had read my message. I guess he was choosing to ignore me. At least he was alive. My mood got a little worse, I guess I was hoping for a response that I wouldn't get. 

I cuddled up on the couch under the blanket. I have lived alone for a while, but I never realized how lonely it is here. I spend most of my life in this apartment. Playing video games, watching TV, talking to friends. All from the safety of my home. Maybe I'll get a roommate.

After watching the TV for about a half an hour a knock on the door signaled my food had arrived. I opened the door and brought it inside. The smell of tacos filling the room. I sat back down on the couch and enjoyed my food. 

When I was done eating it was about 8pm and I had a few hours to kill. Quackity had just messaged me asking me to be on his stream. He was playing jackbox with a few people around 12 for me. I sat on my phone scrolling through tiktok. I saw a lot of fanart and mcyt tiktoks on there. Some of them were of me and Dream. I thought they were cute and I even liked some of them. They go crazy when I do that. After about two hours of scrolling on tiktok I decided to go onto the Dream smp for a while. I talked to a few people including Tommy which is always so eventful. I walked around and built random stuff until it was about 12 and the stream was starting. I joined the discord call and waited for others to join too.

After about 5 minutes Sapnap and Karl had joined. We talked about our day and Karl was ranting about his new Mr.Beast video while flirting with Sapnap. I was really third wheeling. When I got the notification Quackity had gone live. A few other people joined the call.

"Hey George how have you been?" Karl asked. I hadn't talked to him about everything that's been going on over the past two weeks.

"It's going pretty good. I've been chilling at home all day." I answered back. I wasn't really in the mood to be social right now. I was tired and frustrated with the day. He hummed and I heard another person join the call. I wasn't really paying attention and was zoned out for a little. But I zoned back in hearing a voice. His voice.

It was Dream.