2019 — PRESENT DAY

Me and Dan sit across the dining table from Lana in silence. I mean...this is really awkward, but we need to talk. We're a open family, we say what's on our minds and we listen to each other.

"Do you want to start this conversation off...or should I..." I look at Dan and then tilt my head towards Lana, but he shakes his head. I suppose I'll better start this conversation off then, considering he is a pussy. I only think that he should start first, considering that she listens to her father more than she listens to me.

"Please don't do this." She mumbles while Dan awkwardly crosses his arms while he leans back on his chair.

"We know that you're...of age. But sometimes, it's nice for you to tell me things about your personal life. I know that's not cool or whatever, but you're my baby. And I want to protect you-" Lana cuts me off.

"I'm literally twenty one years old. You guys seriously don't need to protect me from my boyfriends dick, okay. Like...back off...please." Okay, so it's time to change what I mean real quick before she calls me out for lying.

"I mean I want to protect you from boys who want one thing, and that actor boyfriend of yours...he's notorious for hooking up with fans. I just think that you need to raise your standards a little higher." Lana's eyes widen in horror while I look at Dan and see him looking shocked. I mean, I'm only saying the truth.

"Evangeline. You're a really pretty young woman. Boys love pretty girls...and they'll also break their hearts when they see another pretty girl. It's like a vicious circle. I want you to find a boy...who likes you for your brains, for the things that you don't like about yourself. Not some Hollywood actor." Dan thinks my smile is 'pretty' and that my nose is perfect, both I know for a fact neither of those things are true. But his sweet comments make me feel good about myself.

"Can you not do the birds and the bees talk with me. Like I'm twenty one. I have had sex...plenty of times." Oh Jesus fucking Christ.

"I mean..." Dan's voice trails off.

"And I haven't ever been pregnant, nor am I going to. You guys...put me off wanting a family forever. I think I'll be a rich aunt with bad choice of dodgy men and two hundred cats. You know, the glamorous great aunt who throws shade at funerals. That's fucking me." She really has got her whole life planned out in front of her, I mean...what can I do or possibly say?

"I see you as an exotic animal keeper. You're too good for just cats." Dan mumbles under his breath while I slam down on the table hard.

"Don't fucking encourage her to become a snake bitch! We want grandchildren in like thirty years time."

"In thirty years time I'm going to be like fifty-one. Think my womb will be well truly bollocked by then, don't you? And actually dad is right, I like snakes more than I like cats. I'll be the friendly version of Cruella...who really likes Snakes." I hate her fucking stupid backchat.

"Anyways the only person having kids in this family is you..." my mouth drops wide open while Dan turns away.

"Me and your father have been married for what? Twenty-one years? We have soon to five children...twenty-one years and five children. That's fucking impressive."

"It's fucked up. I'm moving on with my life with my boyfriend...and you're just keep having more kids to replace me or whatever." I literally have no reason why she is calling me out right now, but I certainly do not like her attitude.

"Pack it in." Dan mumbles clearly not paying any attention.

"You're only telling me to pack it in because you and mum fuck every other night." How does she...

"You are grounded! You will not be allowed to hang around with your 'boyfriend', and I want a fucking apology. What you have just said is gross. It's rude and gross...we never raised to be this way Lana! What the fuck is wrong with you? For starters you can stop being jealous of your sisters—they're only little." Lana  then runs out of the living room and runs up the stairs heavily footed.

Me and Dan sit in silence for two seconds before a stupid grin appears on his face, "she's fucking a Hollywood actor." Is that all he cares about? Just because he's a successful actor...Dan's missing the point here.

"Lana's changed ever since she started messing around with him. I don't like her attitude. You're going to have to publicly embarrass her, or at least do something to make her feel less...fucking dominant around here." Lately Lana likes to get her own way, otherwise she'll cry if she doesn't.

"Babe, I'm not going to publicly humiliate her because she's had sex." With that I throw back my eyes and cross my arms. I feel completely enraged that he even fucking said that. I'm not punishing her for having sex, I'm proud that she isn't a teenage mother like I was. I'm simply punishing her for treating this family like shit for a boy who only wants her body!

I want her to be a heartbreaker, not have her heart broken. She doesn't deserve the pain and suffering. Even if I've never been through it myself, I've seen how that shit fucks innocent people up for a long time. It's not nice.

"Anyway..."—Dan pats both of his knees—"I'm going to be late. We're adding vocals today...which is fun. So I'll see you later..." I nod my head whilst he gently kisses my cheek.

"Love you!" He then shouts out whilst walking into the hallway.

"Love you too, snake bitch!" That's when I crack a laugh at Dan's comment, I love him so much...it's unbelievable.

He's a great father and a pretty damn fine husband.