new years eve

mark watched with a sigh as gwen sat on the porch in of the stools with a cup of coffee in her hands. she has been sitting there a lot lately. she's making a cup of coffee and goes to sit outside.

mark in the meanwhile watches her while he's doing the dishes, or cleaning up the house or playing with the kids.

gwen was getting a little better. she would sleep next to mark at night, she would invite callie to come over and have a talk with her. she even went to hailey's holiday school play. she talked a lot with addison and her family over the phone. she even went on a walk with amelia last week.

she's trying, mark knows that for sure. but she's still not the old gwen.

he thought about sending her to therapy but he knows that gwen would hold on against it till mark would give up. and he isn't going to force her to do something she doesn't want to.

he made himself a cup of coffee before walking outside to sit next to gwen.

"hey." mark greets his wife feeling sad that he couldn't talk to her in the way they used to talk.

"hey, why are you up so early?" gwen asks confused looking up at him. it was just 7 in the morning. it was saturday and the kids were still asleep.

"couldn't sleep." mark says sitting down. "what about you?"

"the same." gwen sighs looking into her cup. it was almost empty. "i had this dream about derek again. when we were young and he would annoy the hell out of me." gwen slightly laughs. "you know it's funny, as a doctor i'm confronted with death on a daily basis. but now that derek is dead- i still haven't completely processed that he's gone. i still think sometimes that he will, i don't know, show up on the doorsteps. that this was just a dream and he just missed his flight or something."

mark sips on his coffee grabbing gwen's slighty warm hand.

"but you know he won't come back, right?" mark asks wanting to make sure gwen understood everything right and wouldn't flee into some alternative universe were derek was still alive.

"of course i know." gwen says looking at mark's hand holding hers. she couldn't even imagine a life without mark. she is more than grateful that he wasn't harmed in that accident.

it was silent again. and while gwen enjoyed the silence lately, mark wasn't used to this constant quietness between him and his wife. but again, if gwen's not in the mood to talk mark wasn't going to force her.

he just watched as she lies back in the chair closing her eyes taking a deep breath. she seemed somewhat relaxed and mark couldn't be more happy for that.

"i thought about going to the hospital. you know, i wasn't there for some time and i wanted to see how everybody is doing." gwen says still in the same position.

mark thought for a minute. there would be a lot of spots that would remind gwen of derek. which could be a good or a bad thing.

"sure. that's a good idea." mark smiles warmly at his wife.

hopefully this will be a good idea.

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being in this place again was weird. it was like she visited it for the first time. like she was never here before.

since derek's death the whole atmosphere changed. people were quiet. they were just moving on trying to forget the death of one of their colleagues.

but amelia couldn't focus on that. she had patient after patient trying to waste her time and not thinking about derek's death to deeply.

also her patients need her more than anything and she will do anything to help them.

she had a tight schedule for the day.

"oh, amelia, hey, got time for a cup of coffee?" richard suddenly asks as he approached her in the hallway.

"sorry, busy day." amelia tries to decline politely. the two came to a halt at a nurses station.

"yeah." richard nods a look if concern in his eyes. amelia is different since the sudden death of her brother. "haven't seen you at a meeting in a while. a long while."

"like i said, really busy." amelia declines again this time a little more forceful.

"edwards mentioned something about you-"

"really? what else is edwards saying?" amelia cuts him off causing his eyes to widen slightly at her sudden outburst.

"i'm not accusing you." richard tries to assure her. "i'm checking in. you know, i get to check in. that's the kind of friends we are."

"i do not have time for coffee. i do not have time for meetings." amelia tells him. "i don't- my job is not to make you feel better about me. my job is to make my patients get better. do you know what can happen in the hour or two i would be wasting with you? an hour or two matters! they matter to me. they should matter to you. they matter to my patients. if i leave and my patient dies, it's not me who will suffer, it is his mother, his sisters, his friends, his wife, and they will hate me. with everything inside them they will hate me and you and everyone here because they won't understand why he is gone, why people always leave, why everyone you give a crap about walks away or is ripped from you're world without warning, without reason, in convenience stores, and plane crashes and podunk hospitals with podunk doctors who don't do what they are supposed to do, which is save people!"

shock at her own outburst amelia looked at richard with wide eyes before settling her eyes on gwen's blue ones.

she and mark stood there both shocked looking at the neurosurgeon who felt a little ashamed about gwen witnessing the whole scene.

gwen looked at her sister in sympathie watching as amelia grabbed her tablet and walked away.

gwen took mark's hand giving it a squeeze.

"can we go home?" gwen asks slightly shaking looking at the floor.

"of course." mark nods kissing her head before helping her out of the hospital. he knew this was a bad idea. a really bad idea.

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it was already dark outside when amelia walked up and down the porch of meredith's and derek's house.

she hold something in her hands. the only thing that she knew could help her stop feeling this kind of pain.

she looked into the forest that extended around the house listening to the birds.

she hoped to stay alone long enough to do what she wants to do.

but as if god heard her, amelia heard footsteps coming towards her.

"hey." she heard gwen's voice. "good to see you're here."

amelia turns around looking at her sister. she looked way better than she did a few weeks ago.

"hey." amelia greets half-heartly back. "you've been crying?" she asks noticing how red gwen's eyes were.

"maybe." gwen replies with a sad smile. "today was just a lot."

"yeah." amelia says not looking at gwen.

"okay, i'll- mark is alone with the kids so i'm just probably gonna go." gwen nervously says turning around to quickly leave.

"i have a baggie full of black-market oxy in my coat pocket." amelia blurts causing gwen to froze in place. she thought they were over drugs. "and i'm trying to decide whether or not to take it."

gwen turned around and looked at amelia holding a small bag with white powder inside of it.

"i've got the dead-derek thing completely managed. i know people were worried. since he died, everybody's been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just- boom- become a mess. like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off. mom was calling three, four times a day. addison was calling- everyone." amelia takes a deep breath looking at gwen with teary eyes. "it makes sense. it's natural. every man i've ever loved has died. including my baby. thank you, universe. so, i should be, like... greek tragedy, turned to stone, bat-crap crazy, but i'm good. i got this. i'm fine. i'm telling you, i'm amazing. i am saving lives left and right. i am putting butts in the seats in that o.r. gallery. i mean, people are fighting to hear me lecture. i am entertaining. joke, joke, joke! i'm funny! i'm fun! i'm a party! i'm doing... i'm great! i'm handling the dead-derek thing really well."

"okay." gwen nods.

"except today, i yelled at richard, who was only trying to invite me for coffee, and mark calling yelling that you haven't left the bedroom because of my outburst earlier. then i went and scored oxy from this junkie doctor." amelia sighs.

"but you haven't taken any?" gwen asks scared of the answer.

"not yet." amelia replies with a smirk. "but i might. that's the thing. i really actually might. i have been sober for 1.321 days, gwen. i was fine. it was managed. but i might."

"when i found out that our brother, the man i love most, died i didn't know how to handle it. i was sure i would've started drinking and because i didn't want to i isolated myself. i didn't came out of our bedroom for months. i thought it would help me but in reality it destroyed me. and not just me but mark and the kids, callie, you. when i decided to let people into my life again i started to feel like me again. i cried, i screamed, i threw things around. i once yelled the post man for ringing the bell at seven o'clock." gwen slightly chuckled. "i don't know how you properly grieve. but i know taking all this stuff you're managing... you're not supposed to be managing it. you're supposed to be feeling it, grief, loss, pain. it is normal."

"it's not normal." amelia shakes her head.

"it is. it is normal." gwen retorts. "it's not normal to you 'cause you've never done it. instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain you've shoved it all down and you do drugs instead. instead of moving through the pain, you run from it. you-" gwen stopped eyes teary a painful smile covering her face. "we do these things. we run off, and we... and we medicate. we do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it's not normal. we're supposed to feel. we're supposed to love, and hate, and hurt, and grieve, and break and be destroyed and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. that is human. that is humanity. that's- that's- that's being alive. that's the point. that's the entire point. don't- don't avoid it. don't extinguish it."

amelia watched her sister for a long time seeing derek in her eyes.

gwen and derek had pretty similar eyes.

"derek died." amelia sobs. "he died... i don't want to feel it. i... i don't think i can. i don't think i even want to... i can't. i can't. i can't do this."

"you have to." gwen insists as amelia took the bag of oxy out of her pocket again. "if you don't-"

"no, i can't."

"you... you have to."

"shh! i can't do this!" amelia yells at her sister.

"if you don't, that bag of oxy is not gonna be your last." gwen says ignoring amelia pleads for her to shut up.

amelia knew she was right. it wouldn't be her last. she looked at the oxy for a few moments before handing it to gwen.

the moment gwen had it safely in her hands amelia broke down in front of her.

"you're gonna be okay." gwen assures hugging her sister tight. "we're gonne survive this, okay? everybody does. it's perfectly normal. it's boring, even." gwen sobs as she kissed amelia's cheek.

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gwen entered the house later to see mark in the kitchen with a drink in his hand. the kids were probably asleep.

gwen quietly walked over to him.

"what are you doing?" gwen asks sitting down next to him.

"just thinking." mark replies.

"you don't need alcohol for that." gwen simply states taking it away from him. she doesn't like him drinking when the kids are near.

"sorry." he apologises. "how did it went with amelia?"

"i could stop her from taking oxy again." gwen smiles brightly. "she finally cried it out. i left when owen arrived. she's not alone, thank god."

"that's good." mark nods.

suddenly gwen's phone went off. it was an unkown number.

"hello?" gwen says picking up.

"is this dr.gwendolyn shepherd?" a female voice asks.

"yes, who is this?" gwen asks looking confused at her husband.

"it's about a meredith grey. you're her emergency contact." the nurse explains.

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gwen followed the nurse she spoke on the phone to meredith's room.

"dr.grey? dr.grey? someone's here for you." the nurse smiled before leaving the two alone.

"hey." gwen greets her with a warm smile. "apparently, i'm your emergency contact."

meredith smiled at gwen, glad that she is here with her after all that happened.

"i had a baby." meredith states the obvious.

"i know." gwen smiles.

"derek is dead." meredith sighs closing her eyes for a second.

"i know." gwen nods with a sad smile. she sat down next to meredith on the free part of the bed. she then took meredith's hand.

"baby's name is ellis. did you see her?" meredith asks. "she's beautiful."

"bet she looks just like you." gwen chuckles.

"i didn't think i could do it. part of me thought, what if i have this baby and just die? and then she arrived, and i saw her face, and i saw him in her. she's beautiful." meredith says tears in her eyes as she remembers derek probably smiling down at them.

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gwen drove meredith and the kids home from the hospital.

while gwen brought her niece's and nephew into their rooms to sleep, meredith wandered around the house she once shared with derek.

she walked into the bedroom looking around. her gaze stayed at the piece of wall from derek's big spinal tumor.

she then walked down the stairs to see gwen waiting for her.

"i can stay here the night." gwen offers to which meredith shoke her head.

"i've got amelia. you be with your husband and kids." meredith smiles to which gwen nods.

the two walked to the front door of the house.

"you can always stay with us if you don't want to be alone." gwen says. "you're my sister meredith and i love you. it's my job now to keep an on you. i kind of feeling like derek would want me to keep an eye on you, amelia, the kids. i'm here for you."

meredith smiles hugging gwen tight in her arms.

"thank you." meredith whispers letting go of her sister.

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gwen and mark lay in bed that evening. while mark tried to fall asleep gwen couldn't keep her eyes closed.

"you think she's going to be okay?" gwen asks.

"who?" mark asks confused back turned to his wife.

"meredith." gwen replies.

mark groans turning around watching gwen playing with her wedding ring. she does this when she has a lot on her mind.

"she's going to be okay." mark assures her.

"i wouldn't be okay. imagine you lying in bed alone looking next to you to find my place empty knowing i will never ever lie next to again. this place will stay empty. that's cruel. nobody should go through this." gwen says.

"i understand and it's nice for you to worry, but meredith is strong. she's been through the worst. and as long as you don't know what she's going through you can't help her, baby." mark tells her to which she nods.

"i know. but i feel like i owe derek this since he was always there for you when something happened to me." gwen says looking at mark.

"i know. but the fact you were there for her after giving birth is more than enough for now, babe." mark assures kissing her arm. "you should sleep. tomorrow is work."

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being here again was weird. but also gwen was more than excited to work again.

it took over a year to finally be able to touch a scalpel again.

but she's ready. she's fine.

she never thought derek's death would be okay for her. that she once would stop crying when she thought about him. that she would live again.

she isolated herself the first months. but now she's here. and she's more than ready.

derek's death will only make her stronger, more ambitious at her work, her passion.

because of her brother she will live like there's no tomorrow knowing he will watched her every step.

gwen looked into the mirror with a smile. she never looked more like derek than right now.

"gwen, you ready?" arizona asks the chart with their first patient in her hands.

she watched as gwen turns around with a smile.

"yes, i'm ready. let's go." gwen walked up to arizona as the two walked down the hall.

this is her fresh start.

it's going to okay.

she could feel it.