eloramartin has added to their story

"all of the emotions you warned me about are happening" i say talking to Faith on the phone while crying but in a bittersweet way.

i wasn't crying because i was sad, i mean Ivy can now sit up so of course i'm going to cry. this is a milestone and it's a mix of happy tears with the 'stop growing up so fast' mindset, does that make sense?

"i understand everything you're feeling darling trust me, i'm on the verge of tears because Olive's birthday is coming up and i cannot believe she's going to be 1"

"oh my goodness, i can't believe it's been nearly one whole year of Olive, are you lot planning on doing anything?" i say in awe.

"yeah we're going on our first family trip for a couple of days" she explains.

"awe that's nice, i hope you guys have a lovely holiday"

"thank you thank you, are you still coming by for the podcast later?" she questions.

i nod "yes i am, i'm gonna try my best to be on time so if i'm maybe 5 minutes late, just know i'm coming"

she laughs "alright thanks for the warning"

we talk some more before ending the phone call.

i was asked by Ethan to go on him and Faith's podcast, he said he wanted me to go deeper and in more detail about my life and all the shit i've been through.

i've agreed to it because Ethan and i have been through similar things so when those certain topics come up, i feel comfortable sharing with them.

-

i just arrived at the studio to record the podcast, i walk in and hug them both.

"are you ready to talk about some dark shit?" Ethan laughs.

i laugh "yeah i suppose"

"the topics he has written down to talk about is mental but i think it'll help other people get a better understanding of you, you know?" Faith nods.

"yeah like almost a deep dive type of thing" Ethan adds.

i smile "alright, i like that a lot actually"

"you're surprisingly on time so you have like 5 minutes before we actually start" Ethan informs me.

"surprisingly? mate i'm nearly always on time" i laugh.

"emphasis on the nearly" he jokes.

-

"hello everyone and welcome to Growing Paynes, today we have a special guest as you can see. Elora, we are happy to have you with us today" Faith intros.

"thank you, i'm happy to be here with you guys" i smile.

"let's talk about Silence Between Songs first because if you lot don't know, El just released a new album yesterday" Ethan starts.

"it's so good oh my god, i've listened to it on repeat after we got home from the dinner" Faith looks at me.

i smile in awe "thank you, last night was so special truly"

"it was a good night, i had fun and i know everyone else did" Ethan nods.

"how did you and Harry get drunk so fast? i looked away for two seconds and you lot were fucked up" i laugh.

he wheezes "we just took shots and chugged a bunch of shit"

i nod "that makes sense- i was just wondering because i was chatting with you lot and when i walked off to speak with Deji, we heard shouting so we looked and y'all were dancing"

Faith laughs "can we talk about how good of a job JJ did? i was shocked when we arrived"

"yes! i owe him the world for the amount of effort put into it, it all was so beautiful" i nod.

"he holds so much pride in that shit too" Ethan laughs.

"oh no yeah, his ego is probably through the roof right now" i laugh.

"i mean rightly so" Faith laughs.

"i still can't believe no one said anything about Ryder coming, when do you lot find out about it?"

"a month ago" Ethan looks at me.

my eyes widen "really? wow i'm proud of you all for not spoiling it"

they laugh "i love Ryder man, he's a cool guy"

"he seemed really sweet when i talked to him" Faith nods.

"he is really sweet when he wants to be" i smile.

"what's your favorite moment from last night?" Ethan asks.

"well all of it but if i had to pick just one moment, probably when Ryder heard the song written for him for the first time"

"awe i bet that was emotional" Faith looks at me.

"it was very emotional even for him shockingly enough, but after he hugged me he pulled away and laughed in my face because my mascara was running and he compared me to a raccoon" i laugh.

Ethan wheezes and Faith shakes her head laughing.

-

"no but i genuinely think that you and Harry are so good together and i can't express why into words because- i don't know- it just makes sense"

i smile "i love that man with everything in me so thank you"

"because- wait you guys have been together for how long?" Ethan questions.

"uhm- next month will make it 4 years" i calculate in my head.

"holy shit??? it feels like you've been together for shorter" Faith says.

"nah it feels like they've been together longer than 4 years because they always bickered like a married couple" Ethan shakes his head.

"yeah i've heard about that but now you guys are actually really sweet together" Faith nods.

"thank you thank you"

"i'm gonna switch over to a little juicy Q&A, i posted on my story asking for questions that people wanted to ask you and i've screenshotted some that i think you might answer" Faith explains.

"that i might answer? how bad are they?" i laugh nervously.

"some of them were outrageous but i picked the more calm ones" she nods.

"i'm only asking a few but the first question is 'what really happened between her and Freezy?'" she looks at me.

my eyes widen as i laugh "off to a strong start i see"

"what did happen? even i don't know that" Ethan looks at me.

"not much happened between us. after we met, we got super close and would hang out 24/7 and when you're spending so much time with someone like that, at least for me- you start to naturally catch feelings for them and i did" i start.

"i never confessed them to him because i wasn't sure how he was feeling and i didn't want to ruin our bond but one night i made a move on him to test if he would reciprocate it and he did. ever since that moment happened, we would be touchy and clingy, hugging and kissing but never shagging no matter if we wanted to or not"

"so did you guys end up dating?" Faith questions.

i shake my head "never did no, i never knew how he truly felt about me because the communication wasn't the best then"

"damn i'm interested in this story way too much- how did it end?" Ethan looks at me.

"uhm basically, he was going through a really dark time in his life and whenever i would try to help he would just push me away to the point where i felt like i was making everything worse so i distanced myself for a bit and we didn't talk for a couple months before he got better and apologized for not accepting my help"

"wait a minute- is that what 'at your worst' is about?" Ethan smirks.

i laugh not realizing Freezy was probably going to see this as a clip "yeah it is, i wrote it in the prime of that happening"

"that's such a good story, i can wait to hear it in detail later" Faith nods.

i laugh and we move on to the next question "do you plan on leaving the sidemen and why or why not?"

"oh man- i mean yeah eventually as i get older i'll probably just want to focus on my little family and hopefully have more kids so i won't have the time" i explain.

"have you always wanted to be a mom?" Ethan asks.

"oh 100% and Ivy brings me the most joy ever, it's so true what they say about loving your child so much that it's hard to explain because it really is" i nod.

"i love that and i agree, loving your child is a new level of love you've never felt before until you experience it" Faith nods as well.

"next question, what's your earliest childhood memory?"

"hm.. probably when my dad would sing 'brown eyed girl by Jimmy Buffet' to me before bed every night before he decided to disappear" i nod.

"oh- that got dark" Faith laughs.

"that's what we want! darkness this episode" Ethan states while laughing.

-

trigger warning: depression, suicide, addiction, self harm, eating disorders.

"so i know you mentioned in your latest youtube video that from being 17 to 21 was the hardest years for you, if you're comfortable i would like to dive into that"

"yeah of course, uhm it was a really really dark time for me. i was heavily depressed and was addicted to drugs and alcohol and i had a very bad eating disorder" i explain.

"oh darling" Faith looks at me with a sad look.

"lets start with depression, what got you into that state?" Ethan looks at me.

"well it was a time where i had just gotten out of a relationship and it was a very toxic one that i stayed in because i thought i could fix him. the relationship was very public so after the break up, i got a lot of hate blaming me for everything and it felt like my personal life was going downhill as well"

"it was just not a mental state you want to be in" i finish.

"that must've been hard because i know the hate comments can really effect you negatively if you're not careful" Ethan says.

"yes and i was insecure on top of that so the amount of overthinking i did was mental" i add.

"i know there was a couple times where you tried to end it all and i feel you on that on a deeper level, i just wanna know what was going through your head at the time?" Ethan asks.

"i don't really know how to explain it all too well but i just felt like such a burden to everyone and i thought it was a way to temporarily escape reality, which is obviously incorrect, but i just remember feeling like i've had enough and i didn't want to be here anymore"

"it got really really bad to where i was finding myself self-harming every day just to feel something" i explain.

they nod "what made you stay?"

"well both times that i've attempted they were unsuccessful thankfully but the main thing that stuck out to me during that time was when all the sidemen came together and sat me down to talk everything through with me and helped me understand what was happening on a deeper level"

"after that talk i decided to go to therapy for a little up until i stopped showing up" i finish.

they both look at me "so when did the addiction start?"

"my alcohol problem got really bad once i became of age to purchase it, that was the only beverage in my fridge at one point. i would drink all day and all night because i loved the sensation of not being able to feel anything"

"and for the drug addiction, i was prescribed Adderall for adhd and i ended up becoming dependent on it. once i couldn't get that anymore, i turned to whatever i could get in the moment. i've probably taken majority of the drugs you could consume" i admit.

"like even percs? fentanyl? and heroin?" Ethan asks.

i nod "all of them"

"did you ever do drugs with Harry?" Faith laughs and looks at me.

"oh yeah several times" i laugh thinking about it.

"how did you stop doing it? like how did you realize that you needed quit and recover"

"Tobi sat me down one night and had a very serious talk with me, lots of tears and yelling but i'm forever grateful for him doing that" i nod.

"if he never took that step to sit you down and talk with you, do you think you'd be doing all of that still?"

"yeah 100% i'd probably be dead by now to be honest" i state.

"well we're very glad you're still here El, we love you" Faith rubs my hand.

"thank you i love you lot so much"

we chat a little more about how Ethan relates to me and Harry the most out of all the sidemen before they do an outro and end the podcast episode.

growingpaynespod uploaded a video

A/N:
i'm not gonna lie to you i'm a tad bit tispy so i hope this was good and there's no spelling errors.

but i really wanted to deep dive into her past and allow you all to learn more about why she is the way she is now.

also if i made a book about Elora and everyone when they were younger to show you what led up to what you're currently reading, let me know! it would include her past relationships, freezy, harry, everything in this chapter would be mentioned or if i should just stop with this character after the book is over let me know as well.

i just need your opinions on it, so pls lmk !