Nora Farris
Tuesday, March 19th, 2019
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──

chapter forty-nine- growing pains

                I DID EXACTLY AS EZRA SAID. That night I stayed a while, a little into the morning too. The birds chirped and outside the window was grey and bleak, casting little light.

I didn't care that I was late for school, or that it was pouring tremendously and my hair was already fluffed.

Fluffed and wild from my night and morning with Ezra, he couldn't seem to keep his hands off me and I didn't seem to mind.

Caressing and kissing and holding me. I kissed him back, he felt like the rain outside his window. Beating fast and hard and passionate. On top of me, beneath me, inside me, I knew his rhythm by now.

Ezra felt like the rain in the winter. So cold and sharp, making you feel all jittery standing in it too long. It makes you want to bundle up and stare at it, from inside a cozy warm spot, so dark and beautiful and rare.

At the end of winter, comes spring showers. As I stared at Ezra, kissing between my thighs, sending a jittery feeling in my core, making me want to bundle up in him. I wondered what kind of rain he thought I was.

His kiss was familiar and the only one that I knew in this way, and I still got jittery inside. He looks up at me with those eyes, dark from this position, shadows casting his beautiful face.

His jaw so piercing, his shoulders strong, muscles visible as he scales, higher up my body. Even slightly sore, I could take him again and again.

"Are you hungry?" He kisses my bellybutton, before reaching to kiss my lips. Taking my air. Making me flutter.

It felt so good to be young and in love. "I can always eat." I say instead, smiling into his lips.

"I want to cook for you." He suggests, pecking all over my face, I wrap my legs around his waist, and kiss him deeply.

"It's already pretty late, we can grab something on the way."

He smiles mischievously, before saying, "We can shower together to save time."

Of course my shower with Ezra took longer, and we had to get the water off the floor and then we did it on the sink.

About an hour and a half later, I'm dressed in yesterday's clothes, Ezra's sweater and sore, but completely satisfied.

Ezra dresses in his uniform, looking at me as if he wants to go another round. What has gotten into us lately, shagging all the time?

"Here, let me." I say, standing up from his bed, so I can tie his tie for him. He looks down at me, like he wants to kiss me.

He stares at me, smiling, then hands me the tie. "You know how to tie a tie?"

"I had a dad, once." I lift his collar, staring him in the eyes, with a soft smile, so he knows it's a joke and all in good fun.

"Oh—" he stammers, turning red and adorable. "I didn't mean it like that, I more so meant—"

"I'm kidding, Ezra." I smile, kissing him on the cheek, after I finish.

He lets out a silent breath, pressing a kiss on my forehead.

"You really haven't been with any other guys?"

I don't answer for a second, was it embarrassing? Would it freak Ezra out?

"I thought I answered this already." I challenge, instead of answering.

He smiles, shaking his head, like i'm some silly little confusing puzzle.

"I mean....have you ever been in love?" We are on our way out the door to brave the rainy wet weather, but he still gives me his undivided attention, glancing down, ever so often.

I'm kept warm by Ezra's oversized vintage sweater and beanie. His clothes always had an overwhelming Ezra scent. It made me giddy and warm to be wrapped in him like that.

I forget his question, i'm so lovestruck. He pushes the elevator button and gives me a once over.

"It angers me that you always look better in my clothes."

I smile and he pulls the beanie down over my eyes, like he always does, sending me into giggles. as he sneak attacks me, ticking and poking me.

"I've only loved you." I can say it easily, now that I'm not staring into his oceans.

I know there's never been anyone else because I've never felt this way before. I was still scared shitless, what did it mean to be so young and in love?

What did it mean when everything ended? The last mandatory school year? The last summer before college? I hated that not knowing, not knowing that maybe this had an end date too.

We were both at such a pivotal moments, the crossover of adolescence to young adult. Did it have to hurt to grow up?

I curse little Nora, with her crooked smile and colorful barrettes and her little poofs for wishing to be older.

How naive and how silly I was. Now I wish time would slow down. It felt like time was racing beside me, except I was running and time was speeding past in a sports car. My lungs burned trying to catch up all the time.

Beanie still over my eyes, I feel lips touch mine, and i'm brought back to reality. A reality that I could enjoy for as long as it would have me.

"I've only loved you too, Nora." He pulls the hat from my eyes, pulling me into him, warm and perfect. I don't think i'd ever get tired of kissing him.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──

After school I don't go to therapy, because I have to take Bentley to the vet.

I come home to throw up piles around the house and no thumping tail at the door to greet me. Bentley is barely wheezing, half lying in his dog bed.

His tail thumps weakly, as he looks over at me with sad, old, tired eyes. I feel sick, he was here alone all day in this state.

Just yesterday he was his regular self. but him in this state made me deeply aware of his old age. I waste no time finding the keys to my G Wagon.

I try not to shake, scooping up Bentley. I shouldn't have to do this, I raised him as a puppy, I couldn't watch him like this.

I shouldn't be the one doing this, i'm just a boy. At the end of the day i'm small and weak all over again.

I find my abandoned car at the back of the parking garage and place Bentley, gently in the backseat.

I climb in the front seat, hands still shaking, holding back tears. This didn't feel like real life, it felt like time was moving in slow motion, when really everything was zooming.

I speed out the parking garage and it's been so long it feels like i've forgotten how to drive. I screech to a holt nearly squashing pedestrians.

I didn't want to do this alone, I didn't want to receive whatever news the vet would tell me, alone.

By the time I reach the vet, I want to puke, and I feel dizzy. I think I scoop Bentley up, i'm not sure, I walk in stammering. Everything is blurry, I don't even remember driving that much.

"He-He keeps puking, he's old." That's all I can make out, to the vet technician, before i'm balling.

"Okay, let us see what we can do." Her voice is calm and almost reassuring.

I wait there stomach in knots, for fifteen minutes, wiping my eyes, trying not to rock back and forth like a psycho; like when I was a kid.

I text my mom and dad about what's happening and then call Nora.

My phone is spammed with texts, but I tone them out at the sound of Nora's cheery, bubbly voice. It soothes me in the slightest.

"Hey, Ezzie." She softly says.

"Hi, Nora." I lean against the cool wall, in front of the bathrooms and close my eyes and pretend this isn't happening. I pretend it's just her.

"What's wrong?" She immediately asks, concern in her tone.

"I'm at the vet right now, I came home to puke piles everywhere from Bentley." I choke out, but I don't have anymore tears.

"I'm so sorry, Ez!" There's pain in her voice. "Do you want me to come, I had work soon but I could—"

"No, no, my mom's coming, I just, needed to hear your voice."

"I'm always here, Bentley is the bestest, goodest boy and he will be okay, I'm sure of it."

"Yeah." I say.

"Well, I gotta go, I love you, please keep me updated." She sounds like she's fumbling around and I hear the jingle of keys and I think I even hear her stumble over something.

Her frustrated, fuck, that she screams out, confirms her clumsiness and it brings a small smile for a moment.

"Bye, I love you."

I return to the waiting room and my mom arrives about ten minutes later. Her eyes and face are all red. We say nothing, just hug each other, like we both had this great knowing and if we said it out loud it would make it true.

An hour later, a Dr informs us that Bentley is dying and doesn't have much time and sends us home with medications for him.

I've had Bentley since I was a baby, I got him when I was two. I haven't known a time without him.

The fucked up part about getting old was you stayed young on the inside, but on the outside you had this old persons body that you didn't recognize or know how to operate.

I spend a while on the roof that night, smoking cigarettes after cigarette, until I make myself sick. Until my stomach and head ache and I feel nauseous.

The outside air and navy, cloudy, night sky reminds me i'm human, and tiny in this world.

Shit like this happens to everyone, all the time. But why was I so horrible at handling it and everyone else seems to know how to manage?

I look down, several stories to the bottom and almost feel a longing for the ground. That horrible, longing and nagging in my stomach and the back of my head, I though I had gotten rid of.

That night Bentley crawls in my bed beside me, usually I don't let him sleep in the bed, save for special occasions, but I do tonight.