Ezra Montgomery
Tuesday, February 13th 2019
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

chapter twenty-six: boyfriend stuff

"VALENTINE'S DAY IS TOMORROW." I say quietly, her hand lay gently clasped to mine as we walk beside one another with a nice bop in our stride. Nora swings our hands, back and forth back and forth.

"Oh yeah, I forgot," She says, her tone tells me otherwise, it makes me think that she'd been thinking about it for a while. I see her steal a glance at me.

"Let me spoil you for the day," I say trying to hold back a smirk. She bites her lip trying to hold her smile down as well.

"That's....like boyfriend stuff,"She says the words carefully and calmly while staring up at me, still holding onto my hand tight.

I liked holding hands with Nora, it just felt right. And it made me feel happy to know that my hand was warming hers as the cold barked at us, turning my ears bright red. I pull my skully down, to cover my ears, it does nothing to produce warmth.

"Let me be your boyfriend for the day then."

She laughs that cute laugh again. We stare at each other, neither of us pulling away. "For the day?"

I smile nodding. "Yeah," she nods, her smiling dropping so slightly that a stranger wouldn't notice it, but I did because I know her.

Maybe she doesn't want to be my Valentine's, maybe she only agreed to go to the dance with me because she pitied me. Suicidal, washed up popular kid who recently got dumped. Maybe I was nothing more then a charity case.

Nora is quiet beside me, and I nudge her slightly. She is gnawing at her bottom lip, nervously. She looked so nervous all of a sudden.

"Is that....a good idea?" She finally croaks out, cautiously.

I throw my head back in frustration, this girl was like the ocean, all pulling me in then pushing me away like crashing waves. It was so frustrating, so, so fucking frustrating.

She'll kiss me with those lips of hers, while touching me and moaning to me like my lover, only to friend zone me shortly after.

I just wanted to punish her. Just fucking bend her over, I wanted to hear he say I'm yours, and I would say you're mine.

"I don't think i'm the best judgment when it comes to good ideas, I did try to kill myself." My filter is gone, and I can feel myself slipping away. I can't say if me trying to kill myself was a good idea or not; but I do, deep down inside there's a great knowing.

If I were dead I would not have met Nora.

She stares at me wide-eyed, with sympathetic eyes. I was trauma dumping, it wasn't fair to her. "I'm kidding," I try and fix it with a winning smile.

But she's giving me that fucking look, the same one everyone gives me. The I'm so broken look. I turn away, I feel like an idiot.

"That was a fucking horrible idea," She pauses, and the sound of the city goes quiet, I swear it does. "Only a dick for brains, moron would think it would be a good idea of ridding the world of Ezra fucking Montgomery." Her words feel warm and glowy.

She doesn't think i'm broken and need fixing, she's like me. I want to tell her so many things in that moment, pour my soul into hers, we are cut from the same halves.

How long had I known her? Only a little over a month. Real it in Ezra, fuck.

"Fine you can be my boyfriend for the day," she says with a smile.

"No," I say, without thinking. "It's okay, you didn't want to, I could tell, it was rude of me to push."

I avoid eye contact, but we are still holding hands. Her grip weakens and I imagine her smile is gone too. My breathing latches.

"You're right it was a bad idea," I deliver the finishing blow. I do it because i'm fucking terrified, terrified of my feelings, terrified of her feelings or lack of feelings for me. just terrified like a fucking pussy.

She releases my hand, walking a little farther away from me. She doesn't look at me. "No worries, I never celebrate that day anyways." Her voice is nothing, but a whisper and I can tell in her voice that I cut dip this time.

Something in her demeanor changes, she whips towards me. "What the fuck do you mean bad idea?" She snaps. "You're a fucking bad idea, every time I let you in you...you fucking crush me, so you don't get to say that to me."

"Fuck you," she adds with a humorless laugh.

"You're right." I say. "I am what makes it a bad idea."

"And don't tell me what I do or don't want, I didn't say I didn't want to, stop trying to protect me from you, I am all in, if I end up regretting it...let me, if I end up..." she trails off, never finishing her sentence. We were outside her front door, she was saved by the bell.

"So then, be my Valentine, Nora Arabella Sinclair." I smile, she gasps when she hears her full government name.

"Okay, you asshole." She doesn't smile, just gives me an exhausted look. She begins to climb the stares, but I grab her arm. She is two steps above me, making her eye level to me.

"What?" she asks, still seeming a little angry and slightly annoyed.

"I'm sorry, Nora." I place her hair behind her ears, not breaking eye contact with her. We were so close again, I liked being this close, her eyes looked black in the night.

I lean in to kiss her forehead. "I'm sorry." I say again.

To my surprise, she wraps her arms around me, burying her face in my neck, making me shiver. I hug her back, our coats restrain us.

She doesn't pull away for a long while, like she needed the hug, I do nothing to pull away either.

When she finally does, my body misses her warmth. "Goodnight, Ezzie," She waves to me before climbing the rest of the stairs, leaving me.

I didn't feel like walking home in the freezing cold, so I took the train back home.

Nora Sinclair
Tuesday, February 13th 2019
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The three of us had a late awkward dinner together. Aunt Angela asks me where i've been.

"Therapy," I answer drily, pushing my pasta around. The meal wasn't even home cooked. It was shrimp scampi from olive garden, but the noodles were crunchy and the sauce and shrimp were cold.

"And after that?" Angela pries further.

"Dinner, the end." I say sarcastically.

Mom sighs, and I feel mildly guilty for being such a pain in the ass. She sips her wine, still in her scrubs, hair a poofy cloud.

"It's 8:00, your session ends at 6:30."

"She walks," my mom says breaking her silence. "She doesn't get into vehicles...she walks." She repeats.

Aunt Angela rolls her eyes, sipping her wine. "Do you not have enough money for transportation, i'd be happy to help." It didn't sound like it, it sounded like she was amused.

Sibling rivalry, it always been there. That's probably what this whole damn thing was about, no not about me. My Aunt was being nosey, she wanted to know that she was doing much better than her sister. So she could brag and finally feel good about herself for once in her miserable life.

She didn't care about reforming me, this was all some little game to her, and now I was ready to play.

Of course Aunt Angela and her family was doing better than us, she didn't lose someone.

"No, money isn't an issue." Bitch, I want to add, but I hold my tongue, very very tightly. I was still feeling a rush from telling Ezra about himself.

"My dad died from traumatic brain injuries, internal bleeding, broken ribs, and spinal cord injuries. We had to have a closed fucking casket, I didn't even get to see him one last time."

Her eyes go wide, she stops chewing and the smugness is gone, ah, so there is something beating in that chest, even if it is faint and shriveled up.

She apologizes profusely and the rest of the dinner is silent. At least I knew how to shut her up now, just a few more days Nora and she'll be gone.

Aunt Angela's assignment for the night was apply to one college and apply for one job and show it to her and my mom after. I want to scream and pull my hair out, but I was done embarrassing my mom for one day, I think.

I apply to NYU, it takes me an hour, I show them the congratulations screen and mom had a big smile, she's on her third glass of wine and her cheeks are rosey.

She says I should apply for Columbia, just like dad. I laugh, I couldn't get in there even if i'm a legacy. My grades are average, no extracurricular or awards or volunteer hours, average, average, average. Columbia wanted extraordinary, I didn't even skim the surface of that.

My dad was above extraordinary, i'd never met anyone as smart as him. Even my mom too, she was above average. I got nothing. But that's not entirely true.

There was a point in time where I wasn't a complete loser. I used to get straight a's, I used to run track, and win trophies, that felt like so long ago. I really let myself go...maybe if I write the best essay of my life I could get in...maybe that was wishful thinking.

"I'll apply for a job tomorrow, i'm tired."

"No, I said tonight, you weren't tired when you were out walking the streets of the city."

"Fuck off Angela, she can do it tomorrow." My moms voice is high pitched and slurred.

"Why did you even invite me?" she scoffs, rising from her chair, exiting the room.

Mom laughs a giggly laugh, making her cheeks redder. She reaches for her glass on the coffee table, but I swipe it before her slowed movements can grasp it.

"Oh, you're no fun." She's smiling, but I can tell that very soon, the giggles would be replaced with tears.

I sit down beside her, putting the wine glass on the coffee table again. "Sure I am, I'm loads of fun." I say dryly.

She laughs and then pauses, then the tears come. She's balling. She buries her face into her pillow, her hair still the same messy cloud. It scared me to see her like this, my mother was nothing short of perfection always, but she was off, slightly wrong and imperfect.

"I keep waiting to wake up and it be easier...b-but every day it gets harder and harder." She's trembling. "I'm....so...so lonely." She wraps her arms around herself, she looked so sad.

She always hid it. "I'm here for you," I grasp her shoulder tight, I didn't know what to say.

No one ever said anything to me when I had my meltdowns. No one rubbed my back and told me I was gonna be okay. I didn't know what to say.

"But you're not, and I don't expect you to be with everything that's happened, and how can you comfort me when your heart is broken the same way as mine is?"

I don't answer. There is no answer. She wipes her tears and smoothes her hair down, like it never fucking happened.

"I think I need fucking therapy," She let's out a humorless laugh, nudging me.

I give her a dry look, narrowing my eyes. "Speaking of, how's it been going for you?" she asks. "Is it...helping?"

"Yeah." I lie, at least I think I do. I don't know really, I still feel like the same me. The new Nora, that's empty and sad and depressed, sometimes I think there's no erasing it at all, that I'll be stuck this way forever. Sometimes a sliver of sunlight shoots through me, thawing my ice, but it goes away.

Maybe that's what grieving is all about. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. Even crawling helps, just..onward.

"Good, good." She stands up, eyes and face still red and puffy. She stretches and smiles, leaning down to kiss me on the head then cheek.

She smells like wine and hospital. "I love you Nora bear." she stumbles her way to her room, drunk as a skunk.

I sit there for a long while, staring at the black screen of the tv. I am so tired all of a sudden.

I finish the rest of my moms very large glass of wine and feel a warm light feeling inside. The couch pulls me in, making it impossible to make it to my bed.

I search for my phone, patting away drunkenly and call Ezra. It rings and rings. He finally picks up.

"Hey,baby?" He says in a sleepy deep voice. It makes me giggle.

"Did I wake you?" I ask guiltily, but my smile is big and bright. I felt a little dizzy and flirty.

".....No," He yawns.

"You're such a liar."

"Maybe I was, but I'm talking to you now and there's nothing else i'd rather be doing."

"You're such a damn sweetheart, you know that?" I ask, laughing. "Just sweet as sugar."

There's a pause, Ezra goes quiet. "Are you drunk?"

I gasp, at his accusation, laying down on the couch. My head was spinning. I hadn't eaten anything all day, only a few bites of pasta.

"Nope, not me."

"Who's lying now?" His voice sounds tired and sexy and it makes me blush. I was a jittery, shakey mess.

"I may potentially be a little...intoxicated," I confess.

He laughs. "Remember the last time you drank at the diner and Dr.V—"

"That was not the last time I drank you dumb dumb." I interrupt, not wanting to hear the rest, embarrassed.

Embarrassed of that night, embarrassed about most things i've done in the past.

"I drank at that little get together with your friends, you remember...when you ditched me?"

He gasps, sarcastically on the other line. "I'd never, you're the one I ditch everyone else for." His voice is still sleepy as ever.

It was the same for me too, I enjoyed his presence, I wanted to be with him over anyone else. I wanted to spend lazy mornings in bed with hot coffee, I wanted to spend afternoons, joined at the hip exploring the city, museums, art galleries and any other touristy shit, I wanted to spend evenings under him, my hands traveling his strong back as he kissed me all the way down and back up again.

I longed for him now more than ever. It was the wine making everything so so foggy. No. I was finally seeing clearly, my head felt light and dizzy, but my feelings were poured out, spilled everywhere for any and everyone to see. I was a girl who liked a boy.

"This is the part where you say, I feel the same Ezra." He speaks in third person, knocking me out of my trance.

If only he knew. "I feel the same, Ezra." I tease. "Seriously." I add.

He exhales a breath and I know he is running his hands through his mane, like he often does when he feels uncertain or nervous.

"It's okay, Nora," He begins in a low voice. "I'm not an easy person to want."

He can't see my face, but it's shocked, because how could he think that? He was my mind could think about. I wanted to kiss him all over his cheeks until he knew just how much I wanted him.

"Ezra," I begin, closing my eyes, holding in a drunk giggle. "I can count on one hand how many boys i've liked, I...I've never felt this way, these feelings are so new to me, I don't want you to think that I don't like you, because I do, I just...have a hard time of showing it...I'm...I'm usually in my head a lot."

Im suddenly embarrassed by my words, the alcohol was certainly making me courageous. "I'm sorry." I say after his silence makes me nauseous.

A relived sigh escapes me when I hear his breathing slow down. He's sound asleep. He didn't hear my lame embarrassing confession. Goodnight Ezzie.

I hang up the phone and fall asleep on the sofa, within minutes. My mom would be so pissed to know that I was sleeping on her furniture.

a/n
thank you so much for 11k 😻😩
unedited and this chapter is long as hell 😳