Nora Farris
Thursday January 24, 2019
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

chapter twelve- the hell of being a teenage girl

                   I FINALLY GET MY PERIOD AFTER TWO BLOODLESS MONTHS. The first month, I was scared I was pregnant, but after a visit to the doctor I was informed that my anxiety and depression may be causing me to have an irregular cycle. The only thing my depression has been good for thus far.

Jackie was off tonight. Which meant it was just us. I felt like I hadn't seen her in ages, I saw her passing by, coming in from work late at night or leaving early mornings, some nights she didn't come home at all. I didn't mind really, if anything I liked it. It gave me space to grieve and grow on my own without her nagging.

She sat on the couch, catching up on whatever soap opera she was binging, sipping on moscato. She looked cozy and like a normal human being. She didn't look like a mother of a sad teenaged girl, she didn't look like a widowed wife. She just looked like a regular person, living a regular life.

Part of me wanted to scream and yell at her, but for what? She couldn't be sad forever, some people moved on faster than others. But I wasn't being entirely fair, I know she hadn't moved on, you don't just move on that quickly from decades with a person. But she was starting to lose the saddened look in her eyes, the only thing my mother and I had in common recently was that look. It was a glossy, blank look, it made your eyes dark and low, my mother and I both had it. But hers were slowly slipping away, returning to normal unburdened eyes.

Soon she would be completely okay and that would leave me all alone. It wasn't fair to Dad or me.

"Who are the flowers from?" She asks, not turning away from the television, where someone hysterically cries, as someone is pushed down a large flight of stairs. God did people actually watch that garbage.

"My friend Ezra," I answer plain and simple, I didn't want to share Ezra with her. She would ruin him for me, I just knew it.

I think back to yesterday, the way I kissed all over him, my intentions were to kiss him on the lips, but I was scared. Scared i'd like it and want to do it again. The way he was looking at me and talking to me, I know it wasn't mindful, but I liked being looked at by him. He made me feel interesting, like I was worth being looked at.

"That boy is nothing, but trouble, Elenor." She takes a long sip of wine, before pausing the television and rising from the sofa.

She stalks her way into the kitchen, to the vase where Ezra's flowers are. She sticks her nose in them, taking a whiff, whips of dark hair cascading in her eyes. "Are you using protection with this boy?" she begins.

Just like that, I want to disappear into my room again. My stomach twist turns and aches from cramps making me feel nauseous. Why did she always insist on pushing my bottoms?

"You know, just because he buys you flowers doesn't mean anything, he doesn't love you, Elenor—"

I drown out the rest of her hate speech, putting a tea bag in my hot water. I was tired and in pain, and I didn't want to argue with her.

"Okay," I muttered before exiting the kitchen, escaping to my room.

I physically couldn't do it,  I would go too far and burn too brightly. I had an indescribable rage in me, always had really. I kept it at bay by disassociating, ignoring or containing myself.

When I make it to my room I cry and not because of the loss of my father for once. But for the loss of my innocence, the loss of my happiness, the painful cramps shooting through my lower back and belly, I cried because I wanted chocolate pretzels and I didn't have any, I cried because I was tired of not crying.

Yes, my period was making me hormonal, but it didn't help that I was at my breaking point. My whole life was falling apart, I was scared I wouldn't be able to piece it back together. I was dangerously behind on schoolwork, didn't have a college application filled out and it was almost February.

Fuck. It was almost February. Fucking February.

Sometime within the past few months life had moved on without me, while my days blended into a grey, dull loop, everyone had left me. If there was one thing I knew for certain it's that life goes on.

I was afraid that life was going on without me, I was afraid I didn't care.

My life was so god damn unfair. Being a teenaged girl was hard enough, being a teenage girl was one of the hardest damn things ever.

I was eighteen and I hadn't been in love, hadn't lived, hadn't come of age. My innocence was gone, but my adolescences was missing fundamental pieces. I was robbed.

I didn't like anything about me.

I was sobbing. I cried until I was lulled into a dreamless slumber.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Jackie makes breakfast for us before she heads off to work. I think she felt sorry about last night, she'd never say it though.

Mother's never apologize, they just act nice, hoping you'll get the message. I didn't have much of an appetite, my head was pounding and I felt  groggy like my head was in a fish bowl. I force myself to eat because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I was tired of fighting her, I wanted her to be on my side for once.

"Mom," my voice is nothing, but a whisper. I shrink into the chair, wanting to slide underneath the table, she was looking at me, waiting for me to speak.

What would I say? Mom, I miss you. I am scared, I am tired. I don't know if I can do this anymore. Waking up everyday is getting harder. Mom, do you even love me? Do you like me? Do you resent me? I'm hurting, my heart hurts. I'm not supposed to feel like this. This isn't normal. I need help. I need a hug, I need you to tell me everything is okay. I need you to mother me, I need to be nurtured. God I want to be a kid again, I want you to ruffle my hair and kiss my boo boo's and baby me and love me I want you to love me.

I want to not feel like a burden for once in my eighteen years of living.

Instead I hold my tongue. I tell her i'm off to school, clear my dishes, grab my coat, bag and keys and mumble a good bye.

I meet Danielle at our usual spot. My Mary Janes slosh in the black snow, as I walk stiffly with my arms crossed over my chest. This was the longest, coldest, most unforgiving winter of my life.

"What's wrong, lover?" Dani asks after moments of silence. She walks beside me, walking stride for stride.

She steals glances at me, her blues are solemn. She looks so worried.

"Just having a sad day." I admitted.

Danielle throws an arm over my shoulder, and we walk like that until we get to school. Her warmth and presence made me feel a little grounded.

The rest of the school day is miserable. I sit in classes and listen to lectures I know nothing about, I watch as formulas are branded on the board that I cannot solve. People stare, I die on the inside over and over again.

Ezra texts me, I ignore it. I needed to burn a while.

I had already decided to go ghost for the weekend. When I got like this it was best I stayed alone.

I didn't bother to read the text either, I clear it from my phone screen and put my phone on do not disturb.

It felt like a crime, but i'm sure Ezra would understand. I'm sure he would understand better than anyone.

I bail the rest of the school day thirty minutes early, I raise my hand and mumble that i'm gonna be sick to the teacher. I gather my belongings, as if i'm going to the nurse. They watch me as I walk. I stare past them, fixated on the door.

I text Dani and tell her not to wait up and make my way home. I pull my coat on and shove my hands deep into the pocket of my coat, braving the cold.

Snow still piled the ground, but outside was mild. The sun beamed down, making the snow look shiny and glistening. I walked, with headphones, drowning out the city sounds.

I arrive home shortly after, before I go in, I feel around the bush, outside my house. My heart skips a beat when my hand doesn't immediately reach it. Soon after, my hand grazes the mason jar, I reach out further, retrieving my stash of weed.

Come to mama, I think, examining the jar, rising to my feet.

I climb the stairs, unlock the front door, and waste no time making it to my room. I needed to be high. I needed to not feel like this.

I roll up an unimpressive, skimpy joint, looking down at it in between my black chipped fingernails. I grab my tye dye rainbow lighter, opening my window.

The sun creeps lowly behind the buildings, saying goodbye to me for the day, making the sky a grey, periwinkle. I light the joint, taking a long pull. I let the smoke out my nose, slowly, having a coughing fit.

When i'm done I take another hit and then another. I felt looser and less like I wanted to die. You can be sad and not want to die.

I try and remind myself this. You can be depressed and not want to die. I can eventually get better.

I take another long pull, blowing the smoke out the window. The winter breeze was freezing the top of my ears and nose. The sun was gone now, leaving the sky starless and dark. Still pretty though.

Try as I may to avoid it, my mind slips to Ezra. My Ezra. I shouldn't be calling him that, but it was true. I felt like he was mine, in a platonic way. When he wasn't there, I longed for him, when he was I felt not so doomed in the world.

Like maybe the world couldn't be so bad if it made Ezra.

Nora...what the fuck? My inner voice asks. I don't answer it, I just laugh, ashing out the window, watching the ash fall like grey snow. I take my final pulls before putting it out, stashing the bud. I spray myself with at least a half gallon of body mist and spray my room with fabreeze. Keeping the window open, allowing my room to air out.

I felt mildly high. I laughed a dumb, stupid laugh flopping on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. My room felt like a freezer with the window open, but I didn't care.

I was starting not to care about anything, but not in a self destructive way, but in a way where I did what I wanted and didn't care what people thought.

I wanted to be the kind of girl that lived unapologetically, I wanted to be womanly and fearless and neutering, I wanted to pick flowers, eat ice cream and read books and watch films by women about women. I wanted to doodle and talk about music, I wanted to plan elaborate trips and rendezvous with my best friend. I wanted to talk about boys and the meaning of life and iced coffee and plants and clothes. I wanted to scream and dance and kiss. I wanted to make love, I wanted to feel love, be loved.

I was so high, my head felt cloudy.

I searched for my phone and open the text from Ezra. I smile when I read it. Without thinking I jot a text and send it before I change my mind.

Me: let's makeout

I laugh at my text, I couldn't believe I sent it. My adrenaline was wearing off replaced with anxiety. I hold my breath, when I see a notification. I turn my phone off, placing it in a box at the top of my closet. I lost phone privileges. I was putting myself on time out.

a/n
unedited ofc...rlly having no updates for y'all jeez what do you want from me 🙄🤨🚫
like and comment
i was high while writing this chapter idek if this chapter makes sense oh god 😐☝️
the feminine urge to have urges 🥰
plz post funny comments they are soso fun to read when high
is the next chapter is ezra's pov? 🤨 hmmmm 🧐🤔
ok i'm done ✅ 🚫