Nora Farris
Friday January 25, 2019
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

chapter fourteen- this boy

                    I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW WEIRDED OUT HE MUST BE. It was silly and inappropriate of me to text him that. I'm just grateful he's not treating me any differently because of it. I shouldn't have lied, but I was dying of embarrassment. My phone was still locked away in my closet, where it would stay for at least for the rest of the weekend.

Ezra sits beside me on the sofa, while his dog makes himself comfortable on my moms white area rug. Who gives a fuck about Jackie's dumb area rug?

Me. I did, because me and dad used to put together 1000 piece puzzles on it and do school science projects and sit and talk about our favorite Radiohead songs.

Dr. V said at my last meeting that I had attachment and abandonment issues. I told her she was completely wrong, I told her that I did the abandoning first before it could be done to me, I told her that I let things go easily.

I'm sure very soon Dr. V would pick up on my lying issues as well very soon. Did it count as lying if you only lied to yourself?

I denied my attachment issues, but I am secretly very aware. It scares me. On dad's last day, he got Starbucks. He didn't finish it, he never did, no matter what size he got. He left it on the kitchen counter for either me to finish it off for him or for mom to throw it in the trash.

I kept the cup. But i'm sure so would the next person, this doesn't mean I have issues. It stays in my room, it stays in my room on my desk, next to the photo of my dad and I. The cup is stained brown from coffee and the receipt paper with my dads name is long faded.

My heart twitches with pain at the thought. He was fading. I have forgotten the sound of his voice. If I'd heard it now, of course i'd know it. I'd know it like the back of my hand, i'd know it the same way I know my own body. The same way I knew my house, or and old friend.

I talk to him sometimes. I never tell anyone this though. I talk to him when I feel him slipping away from me. When I feel like a few days go by and he's not mentioned, I talk to him because I can't let him go, won't let him. He wouldn't until he was put in a grave next to me and then in the afterlife he would join me again.

Children should not have to bury their parents. I want to talk to dad right now, I want to tell him I still feel him here. Remind him that he's not forgotten. Remind him that he still has a place in this home. I hiss at Jackie each time I come into the house and there's less of his stuff lying around each time. No big man shoes kicked off by the door, no illegally burned CD's of songs that remind him of me, no 1,000 piece puzzles sitting on the dining room table anymore.

His clothes don't smell like a person vacates them anymore either, they just smell like clothes. Mom has gotten rid of some of his clothes, why is it so easy for her?

I forget that Ezra's beside me. He places a hand on my leg, I tense up, shocked by his touch.

"Where'd you go?" He says in a deep low voice, he sounds worried about me.

I turn to him on the couch, and brave a smile because it's what I do.

"I'm sad," The two words are a relief to let out. The words were heavy and hard to carry. It felt good to let them out.

"I am sad every moment of my life, and i'm afraid I am incapable of feeling any other way," I add, I whisper the words. I hadn't even admitted this much to Dr. V.

"You make me less sad," Ezra says, closing his eyes, leaning his head back. A small piece of my heart mends. It felt like he put a bandaid over my heart. The pain I have within, hurts less if only for a moment and for that I am grateful. This boy. This boy doesn't know what he's doing to me.

I watch him, while he's not looking. The curve of his jaw and his lips looked so kissable. He had a few beauty moles scattered on his face and it made me wonder where else he had moles, maybe he had them on his back and collarbone too. I wanted to see for myself.

His eyelashes were long and pretty and his hair was shaggy and slightly messy like always. God this boy, this boy, this boy. I was already attached, there was no going back.

"I lied," I say still looking at his lips, he opens his eyes and gazes over at me.

"Uh oh," he whispers, not breaking eye contact. I am suddenly aware of his lingering stare. He looks at me everywhere, every inch, there was no hiding from it. His gaze lingers on my lips.

"Why do you think it's okay to lie to me?" He teases, staring into my eyes. He takes my hand and kisses it. I stare dumbfounded and lose my train of thought for a moment.

"I'm good at lying," I say with a shrug. He only smirks and kisses my hand again. He then pulls me towards him, so that I am on top of him.

My heart is beating out of my chest. This boy, the way he's looking at me. His body is warm underneath mine, he looks at me with such lust and hunger. "You're a little liar huh?" he says lowly, pushing my hair from my face, so he can get a better look at me. His fingers linger in my scalp, and I lean into them, I lean into him, I wanted to be closer.

He moves my hair behind my ear, leaving a kiss on my exposed neck.

"Mhm," I moan quietly, melting into his skin. "The biggest liar ever," I sigh out, as he lightly sucks on my neck. I arch my back, slightly at the feeling.

"You can lie to everyone else, but not me," He murmurs into my neck, he kisses my collarbone and my jaw. I say nothing, just tilt my head so he has better access.

He lets out a low laugh, and I pull away slightly to look at his pretty face. He smirks, placing his large hand around my neck. I bite my lip, suddenly turned on. He was being a tease, he hadn't even kissed me yet.

"Tell me you won't lie to me, baby," His voice sounds unrecognizable, it's seductive and makes me want to get undressed. I can feel that he's hard underneath me. This time it's my turn to laugh.

I smile mischievously, as I slowly grind my hips on him. His hand is still wrapped around my neck, he squeezes tighter making me moan. I grind more and he lets out a low moan throwing his head back, he moans my name quietly. My named sounded so pretty in his mouth.

This boy, he was driving me insane.

Ezra releases my neck, only to place his hands on either sides of my hips. He stops my motion on his dick, to look up at me. He's serious now.

"Tell me you won't lie to me," he says again.

"I won't lie to you," I reach a hand up to graze his lips, they are softer than I could have imagined.

I trace over his lips, his nose, his jaw and cheeks. He lets me, he tries to bite my finger a few times, but he
doesn't stop me. He holds me, and watches me examine him like a complex math problem. He feels so safe.

"Do you want to kiss me?" I ask, leaning my forehead on his.

He nods. We are breathing the same air and we are giddy and young and stupid. His dog rolls over on the floor, but we don't pay him any mind.

"Tell me you want to," I says, placing a finger on his lips again. He bites it, lightly.

"Nora, I want to kiss you, I thought it was obvious," he begins. "I've been staring at your lips like the whole time i've been here."

A tingly, butterfly feeling flutters through me. I wonder if he feels it too. He has to. I don't know how I know, but I know. He wants me just as bad as I want him, if not more.

I say nothing, only smile. Because Ezra wanted to kiss me and I wanted to kiss him too.

"Ezra—"

Ezra fills the gap between us as his lips find mine. My words are forgotten, along with everything else. I am stiff as a board, on top of him. My mouth is open like a fish, for a moment I do nothing. Too shocked, because Ezra was kissing me. With his lips, like our lips were touching, I hadn't kissed anyone in so long I wasn't sure I still knew how to. Ezra is about to pull away, from embarrassment, but I don't let him go. I pull him closer, by his shirt.

I brace my hand around his neck, and bring his lips back to mine. My eyes flutter shut, as electricity flows between us. All the uncertainty, all the doubt and suppression of feelings was gone, it went away with the kiss. He tasted delicious and familiar, he tasted a little like wine.

He kisses me hungrily, like he needs it. His tongue grazes and teases as my lips swell. My fingers tangle in his soft hair as my other hand trails all over him. I trace over his arms, his neck and finally rest my hand on his chest. His heart beats a fast song for me, as our lips never part.

He kisses me like it will be the last time. We put everything in that kiss. All our anger, all our sadness and unsaid words, I found them on his lips.

I was aware of his roaming hands beneath me. He touched me all over. His finger tips grazed my lower back as he gripped my ass. His hand slipped up to grab my breast as well. My body was his for the moment, he could do whatever he wanted and I would comply, I knew I could do whatever I wanted to him too, if I dared.

Right then and there we were just two teenagers, horny and lustful. It felt like he was mine even if just for the moment.

Our tongues dance, rhythmically, he bites my lip in between breaths, driving me insane. We are untamed and wild, we kiss like that for a long time, until my lungs hurt, until my lips are swollen.

I slowly pull away, to look at him because I missed seeing his pretty face. His hair is tousled and his eyes are unreadable. His hands rest on either side of my hip. We both breathe heavily, catching our breaths, I lean my head on his, melting into him.

"Is it always like that with you?" His voice is low, but I hear him clearly. I don't have to ask what he means, I know.

"No, never."

He looks up at me with gorgeous eyes, and bites my neck again. Then stares at me again like he thinks if he stops looking at me i'll disappear.

"What are you thinking?" I ask quietly. I couldn't put into words what was going through my head, I wanted to hear what Ezra thought though.

"I'm thinking," He murmurs softly into my lips, pecking me. "That you make me feel."

He pulls away to look at me. "What are you thinking?"

"That you're my favorite pastime,"my hand is still on his chest, his heart beat thumps through my hand.

Ezra offers a small smile nodding. He then ever so gently removes me from on top of him, we are sitting beside each other now. I reach down to pet his dog, but notice he's sleep and decide to not bother him.

"You're a really good friend you know that?" Ezra asks after moments of silence.

All the giddy excitement fades, and the fog in my brain clears. Friends. I am pulled back to a reality with dead fathers, depressed emotionally unavailable boys and distant mothers.

Ezra was my friend. A good one too, there was no need to complicate things. We didn't have room in our lives to love each other like that.

You're a good friend too.

Part of me is relived in a bittersweet kind of way, friends don't kiss each other like that. He grabs my hand, and I am okay again. We will be okay, having him in my life as a friend was better than not at all.

"Do you regret it?" He asks.

"No, I regret many things, but that...it felt....right?" It's more of a question than anything. "I just don't think we should do it anymore, it will only complicate things."

"Okay." He says.

"Okay." I answer back.

a/n
good old angst 🥰
long awaited first kiss (i originally had the first kisses planned for later chapters but hey it's christmas)
ofc this is unedited