"before you date me, you need to understand that I'm damaged"

That's the first sentence Gulf was said. Four years ago.

The silences filling up between them almost 1 hour

"aren't you bored with me?"
"why? I didn't" Mew stare at those eyes, the eyes that were always full of brightness and now fill with nothing

"But I'm bored, I'm bored with this all four years"

He didn't reply, just wait and listen to what the man beside him will say

"I'm bored, that I always been hurt to have you.
I'm bored, that I always insecure to lost you" He cried slowly, but his palm was cold, he is biting the lower lips

"Hy, Gulf. Did I ever cheated on you? or do something bad behind you?"

He shakes his head and stares at his beloved one.

"So why? why did you feel that way? You know it very well, I love you more than anything, right" Mew tries to hug him. Just a little hug.

But, Gulf pushes him. It gives them some gap that enough to release Mew's hands from him.

"Leave me alone, please" his voice was so desperate. He just sits at the corner and can't stare at Mew.

Mew tries to reach him, "Gulf please, not again. What's it now? am I wrong?"

"Leave me alone!!!" he screamed, he cried harder than before.

"Okay, okay. Don't try anything that can hurt you" He left him full of worries. He closed the door, and he hears Gulf has locked it from inside.

This is getting worse, this has happened over and over. No, Mew is not bored or tired with him. He just... he just can't handle it. It's hurt him even more than Gulf does.

Mew waited for him from outside. He can't cry. No. Try not to cry. He lay his head down between his knees, he remembers all Gulf's suffer.

"I get triggered easily, I have struggled with things. One day I won't talk to anyone, I'll shut you out"
Gulf said this after their first kissed

"Everyone has left me. I can't believe you. Everyone, even you have left, cheated, and chosen another one"
Gulf said this in the second year, while Mew was doing his job as a model with a female model and to be a well-known couple.

"I need you, I will need you. I will need you to keep choosing me. I need you to take care of me"
Gulf said this in the third year. This looks better than before, but after he said this. He collapsed. He even gets treatment every weak, of course, Mew beside him as always.

And now, this happens again. The doctor said Gulf has better. But his insecurity always filling him up.

He just cried loudly in the corner, he hugged himself. His body is very cold. He tries to heal himself, but every time he tried he remember what Mew said two days ago when he called with his friend.

"yes, everyone wants a child. Me too"
"How can I not want it?"
"Gulf? surely, he wants to. But we didn't talk about it"
"what are you talking about? break up?" Mew lowers his voice and walked outside. While Gulf heard it, everything. His heartaches. He knows, with him Mew is never happy, Mew is never getting his family, Mew is never being a real man. And Gulf knows this relationship must be ended someday.

It's two days ago, and the impact is now. Very serious. Very hurt Gulf's heart.
He punched his chest, he is collapsed, "it's hurt, it's very hurt. I tell you already if I need you if I love you. But this is hurt, my beloved man"
he even cried loudly, Gulf called Mew's name, he punched himself over and over. I try to write something and left it on the table.
"I love you, I'm so sorry"

it took almost 2 hours, longer than before.
Mew hear his man called his name. But he can't be coming, he is trying to not break the door.
"Gulf, please" he answered desperately, "please stop it"
and these things happened
Mew heard something broke on the floor, something glassy. He can't think again, his head was blurry, so many bad things appear in his head.
"Gulf!! Gulf!! answer me!!" He knocked on the door hardly
"let me in, open the door please!"
"Gulf!!" in second Mew broke the door and see his beloved man was bloody on the floor...

Why is his life not fair?
Why God couldn't just let us be happy?
Why our love is very desperate?
is it a sin to love someone who loves you?
Why God must take him?
I love him, God, I love him, please...