"I can feel the paradise before my world implodes. And tonight had something wonderful" Bad Habits by Ed Sheeran

Warnings: slight mention of sk!pping a meal (BY ACCIDENT), mental health talk, smoking and toxic friendship

She spent the rest of the week learning and practicing the choreograph, which ended up being "Fever". She remembered when the video had come out, she liked the choreography, but she was having a hard time with it right now. She was a good dancer, she knew that, but the fact that she always struggled with choreographs made her doubt that, and the members knew.

"Jaeyun, c'mon we have to go" Raon said after turning off the music, leaving Jaeyun in the middle of a step.

"What?" Jaeyun asked, the tiredness finally setting in, but she still pretended she was okay.

"You've been here for hours today. We have to go back to the dorm" Raon explained as she walked towards her "I can see you're tired" she was holding one of Jaeyun's jackets, and as she spoke, she placed it on top of her shoulders.

Jaeyun wanted to repeat that she was fine, but as soon as the tiredness fully settled on her body, she realized how tired she was. Her entire body ached and she could barely stand, so Raon grabbed her before she fell.

"Maybe I should" she blurred out. Raon quickly held her waist and helped her walk towards the small break room next to the dance practice room.

"When was the last time you ate?" she asked her after giving her a water bottle.

"I ate lunch!" Jaeyun defended herself, the water had made her feel better.

"It's 11 pm" Raon answered, her fists on her hips, just like a mom pose.

"Oh" Jaeyun said, now too embarrassed to say anything.

Raon walked towards her and kneeled down "It's fine" she reassured her while cupping her cheeks. She stood up again "I'll go get you something to eat" she started walking towards the door, but stopped right before opening it "drink that water"

"Yes ma'am" Jaeyun teased as Raon left the room. She obviously drank the water.

Jaeyun felt embarrassed, which was stupid, and she knew it. She had gotten diagnosed with ADHD when she was 17, and even though she had gotten familiar with the symptoms to be able to take care of herself, she still struggled. It had never happened that she got so hyper focused on something that she forgot to eat. That's why she felt embarrassed. She knew how to take care of herself, she knew when to stop, but just because of the stress she had being under and the perfectionism this had happened. Can it be worst for other people? Yes, and she was glad she had told the members to check up on her every now and then, but that didn't mean she couldn't feel embarrassed.

She let herself lay on the couch, using her arm to cover her eyes from the lights of the room. She could just fall asleep while waiting for Raon. She certainly needed it, but she was also very hungry, so that wasn't going to happen any time soon.

She rolled to her side, using the same arm she was using to cover her eyes as a small pillow. She unlocked her phone, finally realizing the amount of un-read texts she had from their group chat, but also from Yua alone and Raon. The latter's text only said "I'll go get you"

Jaeyun smiled after seeing it, but when she heard the door open, she quickly sat up (and also regrated it because she got dizzy for a few seconds)

"I got those sandwiches you like" Raon said while lifting a small plastic package on her hand to show it to her.

"Yay!" Jaeyun exclaimed with a smile while grabbing the sandwiches "I love these"

"I still don't know why" Raon said after sitting down on the table in front of her.

Jaeyun, who was in the middle of taking a bite off her sandwich, quickly swallowed "They remind me of Argentina" she said "I don't know why though, you can find them everywhere, but they were my favourite thing when I lived there"

Raon hummed in response, so Jaeyun kept eating, both in silence.

"How is the song writing going?" she asked after. Jaeyun almost choked while swallowing "sorry" Raon quickly apologized.

Jaeyun coughed "it's fine" she said "and umm... it's, going" she said as she took another bite, maybe that would keep her from talking.

"Have you been doing anything?" Raon asked.

"I..." Jaeyun started. The truth was that she hadn't being working on the song, she was too focused on practicing the choreograph to remember doing it "I haven't been doing anything, okay?" she finally admitted "I've been busy"

Raon didn't answer at first, they both knew what she meant by that "You've been avoiding it" she finally said.

"No, I'm not" Jaeyun stood up and threw away the plastic package where the sandwiches were before. She grabbed her jacket and quickly put it on "you said we had to go" was the only thing she added before quickly opening the door.

Raon caught up to her "Okay, look, I'm sorry" she said. Jaeyun heard her, but she still didn't reply so Raon grabbed her arm to stop her "Jaeyun, you can keep working on the song whenever you feel ready to, but you have a deadline"

That was all it took for Jaeyun to finally look at her and understand why she was asking about it. Raon was right, she had a deadline.

"Are you okay?" Raon asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine" she shook her arm so Raon would let her go "I just need to rest, tomorrow I'll see if I can keep working on the song"

"If you need help you can tell me" Raon said "or any of the members" she grabbed her shoulder "it's okay to ask for help"

That comment shouldn't have affected her as much as it did.

"Thank you" was all she said.

[***]

Jaeyun was back at the dorms, had just finished eating a proper dinner when she got out of her room to go brush her teeth. She had been holding onto the routine of brushing her teeth three times a day for almost 4 months now, she wasn't going to break it now.

She opened the door of her room slowly, knowing the rest of the members were sleeping and not wanting to wake them up. As she walked by Yua's room, she saw the door was a little bit open, just enough so she could see her friend sitting on her bed, giving her side to the door while looking at something she was holding on her hands. It looked like a paper.

"Yua?" Jaeyun asked in a whisper while lightly knocking on the girl's door.

Yua quickly flipped the paper she was holding so the back of it, which was blank, was up.

"Yeah?" she said, her eyes opened wide and her lips pressed in a line.

"Why are you up?" Jaeyun walked a few steps inside of Yua's room while asking.

"Oh, I was about to go to sleep" Yua said, her hands pressing the paper against the bed sheets "I just had some extra work to do," she explained "you should go to sleep too, you need to rest" Yua added

"Okay," Jaeyun said, a little bit suspicious over how her friend reacted "good night" she turned around after Yua said good night back and walked towards the door, but in last minute she turned back around "question-"

"Mmm?" Yua hummed in response.

"Are you, by any chance, writing songs?" she asked "it's just, our producer said some of you were writing stuff too and I just wanted to know who-" she got interrupted by Yua.

"Yes, I've been writing some stuff" she answered "but I don't think it'll get anywhere"

"Why not?" Jaeyun asked, worried.

"I barely have a name for it, it's only like 3 or 4 lines, nothing else" Yua explained.

"Can I read it one day?"

"One day" Yua said with a smile "when you finish your song"

Jaeyun rolled her eyes playfully "so Raon eonni told you"

"Of course she did" Yua said "we all care about you Jae"

"I know"

[***]

It was already the next day, and as Jaeyun had promised, she was on the studio, trying to work on the song. With a lot of the emphasis on the 'trying'. She had been staring at the computer for, probably, 30 minutes, as if the words would magically appear on the screen if she concentrated enough. At least this was better than the other task she had, which was trying to work on a beat for the song. Basically, she was stuck between two tasks she couldn't do.

Jaeyun hated this. She knew what she wanted to write for the lyrics, she knew what she wanted to do for the beat, but she couldn't do it. Her brain was screaming at her to do something, but she physically couldn't.

She blinked a few times, like if that was gonna help her mind to focus and fixed up her posture to sit up straight and put her hands on top of the keyboard, maybe that way she could start writing something. But nothing came out. Her fingers just stayed there, levitating on top of the keyboard and not moving.

Jaeyun let out a sigh and let herself slide down on her chair, covering her face with her hands to rub her eyes. She was tired, she didn't know how long she had been in the studio, but it was probably too long. She knew the rest of the members were practicing the choreograph, she wanted to go and help them, but Raon wouldn't let her get anywhere near the dance practice room.

Jaeyun grabbed her phone and unlocked it, maybe she deserved a proper distraction (aka small break). She saw there were some un-read messages from the group chat, apparently Nara had to leave practice early to study for an exam, so she quickly texted her good luck.

A new message popped at the top of her screen before she could do something else.

Raon: Go back to work!

Jaeyun: I was working, I'm just taking a break eonni.

Jaeyun rolled her eyes with a smile. She exited the app and stared at her home screen, trying to find something else to do.

She looked at the logo of instagram on her home page, after creating that profile with Yua's help she hadn't used it much, just to post some pictures she had already posted on their twitter and other two pics from when she went out with Yua. She clicked on the app and scrolled for a bit, but there were only 2 new posts, both from Nara's instagram.

An idea popped inside her head. Maybe she could check out her old friend's instagram, just to see how she was doing. As she started typing on the search bar, she felt kind of embarrassed that she still remembered her username.

Maybe this will help me remember some stuff of our friendship to write on the song, she thought as she clicked on the first profile that popped on her search.

As soon as she started to scroll down her profile, she regreted it. Scrolling down her pictures only brought memories she didn't want to remember.

Tears started forming at the edge of her eyes, she flipped her phone upside down and left it on the desk. Why did she have to be like this? It had been 5 years since the last time she talked to her, why did that have to affect her that much? She thought she was okay, she thought she gotten over this whole thing, why was she about to cry over it?

I shouldn't push my feeling away, she thought.

Even if I push my feelings away

They'll just come back in 3 years' time

Even when she's sad her brain won't stop working on songs. Jaeyun let go of a sigh and started typing on the computer.

Stronger than ever

Just like how I thought our friendship was

She couldn't take it anymore, she had to leave.

Jaeyun opened the door of her studio and started to walk away, she didn't know where she was going, but all she wanted to do was to get away from the studio, from all of the stress she had put herself under. She had been almost the entire day inside, working on that song. Writing about that friendship involved remembering stuff about that time. She had cried enough times while writing it the for first time to start crying again.

Before she could realize it, she opened the door to the rooftop of the HYBE building, taking a deep breath and finally stopping on her tracks, doubling up her body to rest her hands on of her knees. She hadn't realized she was crying again. She quickly swiped the tears away.

Her phone buzzed inside her pocket. She checked it, Yua had just texted her

Yua: How's the writing process going?

Jaeyun smiled at her screen, or as much as she could smile because of the way she was feeling at the moment, she started walking towards the edge of the rooftop. Yua knew about that friendship, and about the song; Jaeyun didn't go into too much detail when she told her, knowing she might start crying. She didn't really want to talk to anyone at the moment, so she saved her phone back inside the big pocket of her pants. Looking down at her shoes, her eyes caught something else.

There was a cigarette package on the ground, hidden behind a trash can. She kneeled down and grabbed it, lifting the lid with one finger and realizing there were still some cigarettes inside and a lighter. Maybe someone from the staff hid it here?

Should I? she thought. She started to smoke when she was young, but quit after some time, now she smoked every now and then, it helped her relax (even though her therapist told her she should fully quit).

Jaeyun stood up as she took one cigarette out and grabbed the lighter inside the box, quickly lighting the cigarette and taking one puff from it.

"What are you doing?" a male voice said, at first, she got scared when she heard someone talk, but after realizing who he was she rolled her eyes.

Jay.

She turned towards him while blowing out some smoke, kinda wishing it will get on his face "what the fuck are you doing here?" she asked, clearly annoyed.

"You know, people usually come to rooftops to relax, look at the sky and breath air" he made emphasis in the last word, clearly trying to bother her.

"I also came here to relax" she said, bringing the cigarette back to her lips "I just have a different way to relax than others" even if it's not healthy.

They both stayed silent for a moment, she hated how peaceful the silence felt, shouldn't she feel bothered by his presence?

"Are you okay?" he asked, all of the sudden, with a worried tone.

She was surprised by his question, but still answered dryly "Leave me alone Jay" she said, fixing up her posture in the process.

"Oh! You don't have to use honorifics" he said with a sarcastic tone.

"I've seen you one too many times to use them anymore" she scoffed at him, taking another puff from her cigarette.

They both stayed quiet again. Jaeyun turned her head towards the view of the city, maybe that could let Jay know she wanted to be alone. It was already night-time, around 8 or 9 pm probably, and the air was getting colder. Her phone vibrated again.

Yua: did you just leave me in fucking read?

Jaeyun smiled at the message and quickly replied.

Jaeyun: No, sorry. I don't feel like talking right now, we can talk later at the dorm.

Jaeyun: and the song writing is going okay, I'm just taking a break.

She raised her head after locking her phone, noticing Jay still standing a few meters away from her.

"What?" she asked, clearly annoyed.

"Are you okay?" he asked again while walking towards her "I... I couldn't avoid noticing you were crying"

Jaeyun's smile faded from her face as soon as he said that. Fuck, she thought, how am I supposed to explain him that?

"Nothing of your concern" she said, she threw the cigarette to the floor and stepped on it, quickly walking towards the door of the rooftop, she had forgotten to grab a jacket and couldn't stand the cold anymore.

Before she could brush past him, the guy grabbed her forearm to stop her, making her turn around to look at him.

"If both of our groups are gonna start working together, shouldn't we at least try to get along?" he asked.

"First of all," she yanked her arm away from his grasp "if that's your way of trying to make me like you, or at least tolerate you, you're not doing a good job" she said.

"Look, I know we're not... friends or anything, but I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I'm here!" he responded, slightly raising his voice at her.

"I'm not gonna talk about my past broken friendship with you!" she shot back before she could stop herself.

After that, his silence felt even worst. Jaeyun wanted to face palm herself because of what she said.

"You know what?" she said, hugging herself without realizing, she was starting to get cold "forget it, forget what I said" she had to turn her back to him, feeling how the tears started to form at the edge of her eyes. Again.

Oh god, she thought, don't start crying now.

She heard some shuffling behind her, but before she could turn back at him again, she felt how something was left over her shoulders, something soft and warm.

She recognized Jay's jacket.

"It's pretty cold tonight" he said, his voice appearing next to Jaeyun's right ear. She realized he was leaning down to her to leave his jacket -more like blazer- over her shoulders. She turned her head around to look at him, he had moved his head back a little so their faces weren't too close, but he was still close. Jaeyun's heart started to beat faster after realizing that.

"Ah- I- thank you" she stuttered at him while adjusting the jacket over her shoulders. She tried looking away from him, his closeness making her feel something, something she didn't want to know about.

"Look," he started, she was still not looking at him "you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, but if you ever need a shoulder to cry that won't ask questions, you can-" he wasn't able to finish talking because Jaeyun hugged him, wrapping her arms around his waist. She could already feel how she couldn't control her tears anymore.

At first, he froze, taken by surprise of her action, but he quickly wrapped his arms around Jaeyun's shoulders. She could feel his heart beat going fast, maybe because of the surprise of the hug, but she didn't care.

In that moment, the rivalry they had back in trainee days didn't matter. It didn't matter how much hate she had felt towards him, and maybe whatever he felt towards her back then; what mattered in that moment was that she was letting herself feel the same feelings she had been pushing away for years now.

She still remembered the first time she questioned the friendship she had with that girl; Amanda Liandro was her name. They had met at kindergarten when they were 4 years old, they went to the same middle school, but separated when high school started. They still kept in contact, hanging out once or twice a year, maybe three times if schoolwork was by their side. They never texted much, but there was never a doubt about their friendship. That was until her third year of high school started. She was 15 and heard one of her classmates talk about how she always thought one of her closest friends was her best friend, but with the passing time she realized they weren't. They were able to talk about it and got to an agreement on still being friends, just not best friends.

She didn't know exactly what made her think about her friendship with this girl Amanda, but she asked her classmate about how she realized that. After that talk, she pushed it away for two more years.

It wasn't until her 18th birthday that she realized the friendship was too old. By that time, they would rarely talk. Jaeyun already knew about her ADHD but never told her friend, and she could already imagine her friend making fun of her because of that. She remembered some horrible things Amanda had done during middle school, making fun of her for embarrassing moments, ignoring the fact that she got locked up on a restroom at a birthday party when she had told her she couldn't open the door. She could even remember how nervous she got before seeing her, knowing she had to 'not act weird' so she wouldn't make a comment about it. She had to pretend to be someone else, someone Amanda liked. The fact that she knew Amanda might make fun of her for liking kpop was even worst. At one point they started to only speak to each other unless it was one of their birthdays. Jaeyun remembered feeling guilty about not speaking to her, but Amanda didn't reach her either.

The last time they spoke was that same year, for Amanda's birthday. She texted her a happy birthday with some heart emojis, she even got surprised that Amanda actually started a conversation with her. They spoke about their plans for college, but Jaeyun lied about hers, she wasn't gonna tell her about the fact that she moved to South Korea to start training to be an idol in the same company as BTS, she could already hear the girl's laugh, even if they were speaking through text.

They never talked again, that was five years ago.

She stayed crying in Jay's arms for some time, she didn't know how much though, but she finally backed away while cleaning the tears on her cheeks.

"I'm sorry" she said.

"You don't have to apologize" Jay answered "are you feeling better?" he asked, his voice sounded soft, sweet even.

"Yeah" she answered with a small smile while looking down at her shoes "just some... silly feelings"

"Hey" he said, grabbing her chin with his hand to make her look at him "your feelings are not silly" he said. Jaeyun was trying to ignore the way her heart started to beat faster when they locked eyes, the butterflies on her stomach not helping "I don't know what happened, but I don't think your feelings are invalid"

Jaeyun wanted to answer, but she didn't know what to say. Now that she was looking at him up closely, she realized he had some freckles under his eyes, did that mean he wasn't wearing any make up? She didn't know why, but she wanted to know the answer.

She was about to open her mouth to say something, probably something stupid, when someone opened the metal door of the rooftop. Both Jay and Jaeyun stepped away from each other.

"Jaeyun?" she recognized Raon's voice "there you are" Raon added, suddenly realizing Jay was standing next to her "oh! Hello Jay sunbaenim!" she then vowed at him.

"It's okay Raon nuna" Jay told her while extending one of his hands towards her.

Why did she just get angry over him calling Raon nuna? Jaeyun wanted to face palm herself again.

"Okay" she said and then looked at Jaeyun "How is the song writing going?" she asked her.

"Oh!" she almost forgot she told the entire group about the song "it's going... great" if the fact that she had only cried once while writing it meant it was going great, then she was nailing it.

Obviously, Jay knew she was lying.

"Cool" Raon said "anyways, Yua was looking for you, she said something about you not answering her texts"

"Oh shit" Jaeyun cursed under her breath and checked at her phone. She did, in fact, have a lot of un-read messages from Yua.

"It's fine, I'll text her that I found you" Raon brushed it off "I was gonna head home, do you wanna come with me?" she asked after.

"Oh yes please eonni" Jaeyun almost dragged her feet while walking towards her "I'm really tired" she grabbed Raon's shoulder and then turned her head to look at Jay "thank you, by the way" she said.

"No problem" he replied with a small smile on her face, Jaeyun couldn't avoid thinking that his smile was cute.

As they walked down the stairs and took the elevator to the garage, Raon turned towards her.

"What was that all about?" she asked her while they waited for the elevator.

Jaeyun looked at her with wide eyes, hoping she wasn't able to see the light blush on her cheeks "I don't know what you're talking about" she said, both finally getting into the elevator "do you know if there's any food back at the dorm?" she asked, trying to change the subject.

"I don't think so, but we can stop by a convenience store to buy some ramyeon if you want, you're gonna have to cook it though" Raon answered "you still haven't answered my question"

"I told you, I don't know what you mean" Jaeyun said, she was cursing herself on the inside, why did she had to say 'thank you by the way' to Jay? JAY, the guy the members knew she hated.

"Oh, come one!" Raon said, she then but her hand over her chest "thank you, by the way" she mocked what Jaeyun had said.

"Oh my god, stop it!" Jaeyun smacked her arm and Raon laughed "and here I was thinking about buying some ramyeon for you too eonni" Jaeyun joked.

"Okay, I'll stop" Raon said just as the elevator door opened and they started to walk towards their car "you do know you can tell me anything, right?" Raon said to her before opening the car door.

"I know" Jaeyun said, she felt bad about lying to her, but she just didn't feel prepared to tell her, not just about what had happened with Jay "but believe me, nothing happened"

"Okay" Raon said "I believe you" Jaeyun's chest hunched when she heard that, she felt bad for lying "and I'll buy you dinner"

"Thank you eonni" she answered with a smile, hoping the guilt would disappear soon, and got inside the car.

On their ride home, she couldn't stop thinking about what had happened with Jay, was that something or was she telling the truth when she said it was nothing? She didn't know.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Fun fact you didn't ask for: during the scene where Jaeyun is struggling with her writing I WAS ALSO STRUGGLING WITH MY  WRITING love that

Another fun fact you didn't ask for: while I was writing this chapter I LOST LIKE 3/4 OF A SCENE BC FUCKING WORD DIDN'T SAVE IT even tho I clicked the "save" button???

I did, in fact, cry /hj

I feel like I introduced the fact that she has ADHD in a very weird way but I seriously idk how to do it (I might change it tbh) UPDATE: bc I lost part of the chapter I ended up writing it differently bc I couldn't remember exactly how I wrote it the first time and I like it better now :)

Also, the whole reason why Bad Habits is part of the playlist is bc Jay said he liked the song BYE SEE YOU NEXT UPDATE

(here are some more manips) (if the weverse notification changed I'm gonna cry)