"Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy. Not me, if you ever cared to ask. Good for you, you're doing great out there without me, baby. God, I wish that I could do that" Good 4 u by Olivia Rodrigo

Warnings: intrusive/negative thoughts, small injury (not in a lot of detail), someone punches a wall (not a man, #feminism)

"You wanted to tell me something?" her manager's voice brought her out of her trance. Jaeyun looked at the woman, for a moment forgetting why was she even there.

Right.

"Oh, I- mmm- wrote a... song" Jaeyun managed to say, already feeling her hands shaking over how stupid she sounded "I wanted to know if... if I could sing it during our anniversary concert"

"Do you have the lyrics?" the woman asked and Jaeyun quickly handed her the paper with them "it would be just you or-"

"Yes" she said "just me"

The woman muttered an 'okay' and started reading the lyrics, silence filling the room and for a moment, Jaeyun worried if her manager could also hear the loud beating of her heart against her chest. Why was she so nervous? It's just a song, or at least she wanted to make herself believe that.

"It's good" the woman finally said, making Jaeyun finally take a deep breath in relief "I can talk to enhypen's manager to see if Jay wants to produce another one of your-"

"No" Jaeyun said before she could stop herself "I... I thought one of our producers could do it" she quickly added "I... I prefer that, if that's okay"

The woman looked at her with narrowed eyes "Is everything okay between you and him?" she asked, catching Jaeyun off guard.

"What?" she asked, her voice sounding a little high pitched, more than usual "everything's... fine" she said, trying her hardest to sound normal.

The woman decided to ignore it "okay" she said "I'll give this to your producers and get back to you in a few days" she saved the paper inside a binder and closed her bag.

Before she walked out the door, she grabbed Jaeyun's shoulder "I'm here for you, we all are" the woman said, and without waiting for an answer she left the room.

It took Jaeyun a couple of minutes for her words to fully sink in.

I'm here for you, we all are. It was the first time anyone had ever said that to her, and for some reason that brought some tears to her eyes.

[***]

"Omg I love this song" "her vocals sound so good!!!" "Main rapper or main vocalist? We'll never know" "gonna need jaeyun to perform good 4 u on the fanlive I NEED TO EXPERIENCE THIS ON FULL CONCERT MODE"

"Ugh, she's only doing it for clout" "Olivia must be crying right now" "How dare this nugu cover this masterpiece of a song???"

It was almost as if the negative comments wouldn't stop, they just kept popping up I between of the nice comments.

She didn't even know why she chose good 4 u for the cover, yes it was one of her favourite songs from the Sour album, but she wasn't that angry, at least she didn't think so. There weren't even any rumours (that she knew of) about Jay dating anyone, but even the thought of him and Saemi made her angry. She was a bitch, why was he even talking to her?

Do you think he would date you then? You were a bitch to him too, don't you remember?

She brushed those thoughts away, she had never been as bad as Saemi was back in the day, and she at least apologized and was a better person, right?

An apology doesn't fix anything, that voice in her head came back, you know that well.

She wanted to scream at it to shut up, but she knew that it was just herself, that made it worst.

He deserves better, the voice said, you know that.

Her fist was hitting the wall before she could stop herself, the pain surging form her hand bringing her back into reality. I just punched a wall, she thought, what the fuck?

"Fuck!" Jaeyun screamed, quickly regretting it as she remembered Raon and Yua were still home. She managed to turn around and give her back to the door before Raon walked in.

"What is it?" she came rushing down into her room "are you okay? What happened?"

"I'm fine" Jaeyun said with clenched teeth, with how well her day was going, she just wanted to be alone.

Raon obviou didn't buy it, seeing how Jaeyun was showing her back at her and was, very clearly, hiding something with her hands. She just had to piece two and two together.

"Did you punch something?" Raon said.

"N- no" Jaeyun answered in a shaky voice.

"Give me your hand"

"No"

"Jaeyun, give me your hand"

The girl couldn't even look at the oldest to her eyes as she extended her hand, the other girl quickly grabbing it. There were a few small scratches and some red marks, that probably were going to grow into bruises in a couple of hours.

"Oh my god Jae" Raon said, her tone turning soft "what happened?"

"I'm fine!" Jaeyun insisted.

"Well, you don't look fine"

"Thanks"

"I mean" Raon took a deep breath "I can... I can tell that you haven't been okay lately"

"I said I'm fine eonni" Jaeyun insisted, just wishing Raon could leave her alone.

"Really?" Raon said, crossing her arms over her chest "people that are fine don't have to go out in the middle of the fucking night just because they felt like it" Raon said "or dye their hair with a bullshit excuse or act all secretive with their best friends" she said "god I know that you and Yua are close, but it's like you guys are stuck with glue lately and I-"

"Okay fine!" Jaeyun yelled, interrupting her mid-sentence "you really wanna know?"

"Yes!" Raon yelled back "you won't talk to me, so I have to ask you-"

"I like Jay!" Jaeyun finally exclaimed "Okay? I like him, I have feelings for him" she added, her voice making it sound like she hated it, which wasn't a lie "but he'll never fucking like me back" the knot in her throat started to become painful "he probably likes... that bitch Saemi or whatever"

Raon stayed quiet, not knowing what to say and still processing everything Jaeyun had just let out.

"C'mon, tell me" Jaeyun said "tell me I told you so, I knew you were gonna fall for him" Raon stayed quiet, which made Jaeyun feel even more desperation "tell me!" this time she yelled, pushing Raon a bit, even though her hand was already hurting.

She couldn't contain her tears anymore and started sobbing, sitting down on her bed and covering her eyes with her hands. She felt the weight of the bed shifting next to her and a pair of arms sliding on her sides.

"I know what I told you" Raon said as she brushed Jaeyun's hair "but you are heartbroken right now" she cupped Jaeyun's cheeks "do you love him?"

Jaeyun hated the fact that they both knew the answer.

"You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them" Raon said, pressing Jaeyun's head against her chest again "you don't deserve this"

"And- and now there's people saying bad things about the cover" Jaeyun said, trying to breath in between sobs "god it's all so stupid" she pulled away from Raon, swiping the tears from her cheeks, her hand burning even more from "I'm so-"

"If you apologize for having feelings, I'll kick you out of the group myself" Raon interrupted her "now wait a second, I'll go get something for your hand"

She got up from Jaeyun's bed and walked out of the room. Jaeyun looked down at her hand, there was a small bruise on one of her knuckles next to a scratch that was starting to bleed too.

She heard some voices outside of her room, recognizing both Raon and Yua talking.

"Did you know?" Raon said.

"About what?" Yua asked back.

"About Jaeyun... having feelings for Jay" the older girl explained.

"I... yeah" Yua said "she told me a couple of weeks ago" she added "I thought she was doing better"

"Well, she's not" Raon replied "unless punching walls like those American shows is being okay-"

"She did WHAT now?" Jaeyun heard Yua yell before the door to her room opened, a very angry (and worried) Yua standing in front of her in a matter of seconds "what the actual fuck?"

"Don't yell at her" Raon said, walking into the room, passing next to Yua and sitting on Jaeyun's bed.

"How are you not yelling at her?" Yua said, her eyes open wide.

"Yelling would make it worse" Raon said like it was obvious, grabbing Jaeyun's hand and starting to clean the small scratches.

Yua plopped down onto the desk chair next to her "what the fuck?" she said, this time quieter.

Jaeyun shrugged her shoulders "I don't know" she said "I was just... frustrated, to many shitty things were happening at once"

"Like what?"

"The cover" Jaeyun sighed "there's people saying I only chose that song because of the clout"

"Well, fuck them" Yua said "you chose that song because you wanted to"

"I know" Jaeyun said, bringing the hand that Raon wasn't holding up to her face "It was also the whole Saemi situation-"

"The what now?" Raon cut her off, finally letting go of her hand.

Jaeyun and Yua locked eyes for a second, almost speaking to each other telepathically.

Yua nodded. "Apparently Jay gave her his jacket-"

"Blazer"

"Whatever" Yua scoffed "Jay gave Saemi his jacket on one of our last award shows" Yua said "at least that's what she said"

"What the fuck?"

"That's what I said"

"No, you didn't-"

"Well, I thought it" Yua shot her back.

"It's fine" Jaeyun said, even though it wasn't "it's not like he would actually like me" she laid back, using one of her arms to cover her eyes "no one ever does" she whispered more to herself.

The other two girls heard it, their eyes softening at the sight of their friend, their dear friend saying those things about herself.

Jaeyun felt the bed dip a little next to her again. Raon was now laying on her side, looking at her.

"I kinda... know how you feel" Raon said "heartbreak sucks, especially when you can't do anything about it"

"You're talking about that trainee boyfriend of yours?" Yua asked from her seat, sliding it a little forward to be closer to them.

"Yep"

"You never told us what exactly happened" Jaeyun said.

Raon sat up again.

"My boyfriend" she started, looking down at her hands "my boyfriend was Heeseung"

"WHAT?"

"We dated for almost a year" Raon added "but we broke up before he went to I-Land"

"Why didn't you tell us?" Jaeyun asked, completely shocked

"We barely talked back then!" she defended herself "And later... Well, he debuted and I was afraid other people might find out and I didn't want to cause him any trouble"

"it's fine, we get it. And we won't tell anyone" Yua quickly said, trying to reassure Raon.

"Yes"

They all stayed in silence for a moment, neither of them knowing what to say.

"How was he?" Jaeyun asked, breaking the silence "As a boyfriend"

"He was... Really good, actually" Raon said, a smile growing on her lips "I don't know if you can tell by how he is with the other members or it's just his fans being blindly in love with him, but he was a really nice boyfriend" she started, crossing her legs in her seat "When we started dating, he always made sure to let me know how much he cared about me, how much he liked me; we had to keep it a secret from the other trainees so, sometimes we couldn't really spend time together" she explained "This one time, we both finally had a night off, I got out early from dance class and he was going to finish his vocal lessons a couple of minutes after me, so we made plans to go out for dinner together, we hadn't done that in a lot of weeks, so I was really excited" her smile grew wider.

"What happened?" Yua asked, leaning forward, getting really into the story

Raon sighed "He was late, it was only like... 10 minutes, we still had plenty of time to go to a restaurant and have dinner, but as soon as he saw me, he started apologizing like if... I don't know, like if he had forgotten my birthday, which he never did by the way, even before we started dating" she made sure to clarify that before continuing "I kept telling it was fine, that I didn't mind, but he just wouldn't listen, it was kinda cute actually" she smiled while looking at Jaeyun "I had to kiss him so he would shut up"

"Do you... Miss him?" Jaeyun asked, even with the smiles and laughs Raon was showing while telling the story, she could notice how there was a sad undertone to it, even if it was small.

"Of course I do" Raon answered honestly "we ended before we could even... Be more"

"I'm sorry eonni" Jaeyun said "I didn't know-"

"It's fine" Raon said, grabbing Jaeyun's hand and giving it a little squeeze "you told me a secret, I tell you one of mine"

"That sounds so cheesy" Jaeyun said, her laugh filling the entire room.

"Oh my god, yes it does" Raon answered, also laughing.

[***]

Jay was laying down on his bed, headphones on with music at full volume, just staring at the celling. He didn't even know why he was listening to music, the mess on his mind was making it impossible to focus, on anything really.

Maybe it was a stupid idea, covering that song to kinda... send her a message, then talking to her during the award show, Jay wanted to face palm himself at the memory. He should've spoken more, or let her speak, he didn't even know why he left. As soon as he was back at his makeup stand he realized he wanted to walk back to her, but Yua was already on her side, and he didn't want to risk causing a scene.

With the music loud against his ears, he didn't hear the door opening, or see it really, his eyes were glued to one small black dot on the ceiling, every now and then driving his thoughts to wondering what that stain was and how it got there.

Someone hitting his leg, that was hanging slightly from his bed, brought him back to reality, taking off his headphones without pausing the music and raising his head, Heeseung coming into view.

"What?" Jay asked in annoyance, trying to mask how his heart skipped (several) beats when the older guy touched him.

"I've been calling you for like... five minutes" Heeseung said like it was obvious.

"What is it then?"

"I was asking you what you want for dinner"

"I don't know" Jay said, laying down on his bed again while adjusting his pillow "you pick, I'm not really hungry right now"

"Are you okay?"

"Yep"

"Don't lie to me"

"I'm not lying"

"Sure, and I'm Australian"

Jay huffed, but didn't bother answering him. He felt the weight shift on his bed, making him turn around again to see Heeseung sitting on his bed now.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked again

Jay thought about it for a second, he hadn't spoken about Jaeyun with any of the members, and he really needed to, even if he ignored it. He finally sat up on the bed before speaking.

"I like her, hyung"

"Who?"

Jay took a moment before answering "Jaeyun" he said "and she... she probably hates me, and if it's not that, then... I don't know why she's ignoring me"

"How do you know she hates you?"

"She always hated me"

"But I thought you were friends"

"That's the thing- ugh" he fell back onto the bed "I also thought we were friends, but... I don't know sometimes I caught myself looking at her for a little too long, taking care of her, thinking about her all the time" a sigh left his lips "about her smile, her laugh, how she always plays with her hair" he chuckled "it was too late when I realized my feelings for her"

"It's not late yet" Heeseung said "you can talk to her"

"I tried" Jay sat up on the bed again "I... I went up to her during one of the award shows, but I just started blurring out how much I care about her and that I don't know why she's not talking to me" he rubbed his face "I'm so stupid"

"You're not" Heeseung's warm hand came down onto Jay's back, rubbing small circles on it "you're in love"

"What?" Jay's head snapped towards him "I'm not... in love, what? No!" he huffed "what do you know about love?"

"Well, back when I was-"

"You sound old"

"Then don't interrupt your elders" Heeseung joked back "look, I had a girlfriend back in trainee days, and I... I really loved her, so I get it"

"You had a WHAT now?" all of his confusing thoughts were kicked aside when he heard his best friend say that.

Heeseung chuckled at his response "we dated for a couple of months, we had to end things before I went into I-Land"

"Do I- do we know her?" Jay asked.

"Yep"

"Who was it?"

"I'm not telling you now, this conversation was about you"

"Well, you are the one who decided to tell me about your ex-girlfriend, so I think I deserve to know"

"And I think you deserve a slap right now" Heeseung shot back, now it was his turn to rub his face "it was... Raon"

"Wait WHAT" Jay exclaimed "Raon? From Evermore?" Heeseung nodded, still covering his face "so that's why you were nervous to see them"

"Well... things ended very... abruptly between us, what was I supposed to do?" Heeseung defended himself "anyways, we're not talking about me" he quickly said, moving his hand as if to brush the topic away "what I meant to say is, I understand how you feel, kind of"

"Thanks man" Jay grabbed his shoulder "I really needed this"

"Good" Heeseung answered with a smile "can we eat now?"

Jay laughed "sure"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(Sorry for the late update, college is kicking my ass, but what's new am I right?)

Half (or all) of the making of this chapter was me trying to pair scenes I wrote months ago like if this was a fucking puzzle.

Also, did you catch the fact that there was something going on between Heeseung and Raon before?? just wondering