Blank purple ceilings stared at me in the eye and for the first time in a long time, my headspace was completely barren. A faint ring from my phone was heard from my bedside table maybe? but I didn't bother with it. I hadn't felt this peaceful in a long time.

Nothing, I had nothing anymore.

My cheeks were frozen from the tears that had long since stop and as I lay there on the bed, my brain processed nothing. Everything took a backseat and for once a small smile bloomed on my face at how unburdened I felt. I felt free, I felt unbothered. I was indifferent to the events that I knew I would had to deal with soon.

But these hours, these hours would forever be something I'd hold onto. Hours where there was nothing. Nothing and no one. My hours of desolation and untended fabrications. Hours of the last sunshine before the storm blew away rooftops. Instead of worrying about the onslaught however I chose to soak in the embracing touch of tranquility.

A single knock and someone opened the door to my dark room. I didn't turn around to see who it was. My eyes fixed on the few new rays of light that had touched the ceiling at its edges. I refuse to give up my tranquility to whoever decided to drag me back to the stormy skies of reality.

"When our parents met, dad was out on business in Mauritius and mom was vacationing there", the voice started and I recognized it immediately. Still I refused to turn around. He will not take my silence away from me. I'm unburdened for the first time in my life. But I did not stop him from speaking either. His voice was not the usual gruff and stern one, it was rather reminiscent and desolate.

"They fell in love quickly, and within four months they were married", Federico said as I felt bed dip down beside my head and I knew he had taken a seat there.

"Dad was in love. He told us so. He was in love for the very first time and like us all, he wanted to hold onto his piece of absolute happiness for as long as possible", he let out a deep breath, "so he didn't tell mom what he did."

A hand touched my hair. I didn't know his hands could be so gentle but slowly it started caressing it to a beautiful rythm and I let it.

"He didn't tell mom about any of the family legacy, and the dark part of his businesses he left for so often. Mom never questioned too hard either, despite the rumours and the whispers. They were too in love." His hand stopped caressing my hair for a brief second before going at it again. "Soon they had eight kids and they were happy. Mom continued to remain oblivious but when I think back to it, I think she saw a few signs but refused to believe it."

He cleared his throat but his hand continued to soothe me, "She was perfect, mom I mean. She was gentle and nice and kind and she loved us all. She would sneak us candies, take us to amusement parks - She showed us a side to life we never would have imagined", I could feel the smile in his voice. I didn't even know he smiled, "Dad had always grown up protected and rich so mom made us all go on family dinners to Macdonalds two Sundays a month. Everything was perfect."

I intently listened to the story but dared not look at him.

"Then one day a guard caught the nanny trying to smuggle you out of the house. Infact, you'd already been missing for twenty minutes and the entire family was in panic. That night, dad told mom everything and he told her how any girl born into the family was always in danger. He also told her that we would protect you with everything we had. He was honest at last. But mom was terrified. Everyone could see it in her eyes."

A heavy breath.

"I remember the night vividly. A week after this, she came into my room asking me if I would like to go on a vacation without dad. It would be just us for months because dad had done bad things and the police would soon come and take him away. I was fourteen back then but dad had already told me all about the family business a year back. I knew the truth. And dad had told me that I would take over after him. So like a dumb kid, I described everything dad did and pointed out reasons why the police wouldn't come. Power and such. I trusted and loved mom so much. I couldn't see the realization in her eyes that night."

Again, a heavy sigh sounded right by my ears, "I had emphasized how I much loved dad despite everything and would happily follow in his footsteps. Marcello and the twins were at our grandparent's that night. Elijah knew too because I wanted to tell someone. And Niccoló and Declan had gone out for ice-cream with dad. Maybe if they were here, she would have taken them too. But you were a curious three-year old, a complete sweetheart, and when mom came to you and asked you to go with her, you followed her like you always did. I remember her coming into my room and placing a kiss on my forehead. I hadn't realized that reason until the next morning but it was her way of saying that she loved me and would miss me."

His breath shuddered and for the first time I turned my head to look at my eldest brother. He looked so vulnerable. His hand continued caressing my hair.

"You both were gone by the next morning, and dad went ballistic. Thousands of searches worldwide for mother-daughter families, looking into every orphanage around, interrogating mom's siblings and parents - we did everything. But we couldn't find you. What we didn't know back then was that mom had a distant cousin, her name was Renatta."

The peace in my mind was long gone. And now I stared at him but it was him who refused to look at me now.

"Renatta had been disowned by her parents when she went against their wishes and got pregnant before marriage", he said in the same tone, "And no one in her family talked about her. Mom had briefly mentioned her to dad but it was so brief that no one remembered it. Mom was staying with Renatta for a few days before she could settle down as a family with you, but she died soon after - car crash."

A fresh set of tears built up behind my eyes but Federico's words were too important. I was finally getting answers about my life.

"We didn't find out about mom until a few years ago and dad had already passed away from a heart attack. And all those years, we still couldn't find you", here he took another deep breath, "Everyone tried so hard to find you but it was like you went up into smoke. That day when I got the call from the hospital, trust me when I tell you I hadn't felt that kind of happiness in a long, long time. And disbelief. A lot of disbelief."

I didn't know why but I slowly burrowed my head into his leg and curled up against him as his hand continued to stroke my hair.

"I went there expecting you to have an idea about us, maybe it was unrealistic, you were only three after all, but we all expect the unexpected sometimes", the caressing stopped but his hand still remained on top of my head, "But there you were, the girl I had saved just a few days ago and-"

He didn't finish the rest of the sentence but he slowly dragged my head up and made me look into his eyes. Brother. This was my brother.

""I missed you sorella. I missed you so much. Ti amo piccola but I can't change the way I handle things I'm sorry, but that woman does not deserve your tears", he said sternly.

[ sister ; I love you baby]

But I didn't know how to let go. She might be the villain in their story and maybe in most of mine too but having lived with a woman you considered your mother for all your life, and then finding out it was all a lie was not something anyone could possibly adjust to. And maybe, just maybe I did project her into a new light inside my head to avoid the reality of our relationship and maybe me crying for nights for her to come back was more of a selfish need to hold onto the known monotony of my life than dive into an unknown which would probably, actually kill me if it didn't turn out well.

With mom and Ryan I always knew my place in their life. I knew their limits and their ways. But these men -brothers- who had suddenly barged into my life pretending to want me, to love me were infinitely more dangerous than surviving three more years with mom and Ryan. Would i really survive it if down the way I found out they didn't want me at a certain point anymore? Would I survive if I actually started to love one of them and then getting rejected? Would I really survive if I finally trusted them and then got it thrown right to my face?

As I stared into Federico's eyes I couldn't give him all the answers and responses he surely hoped from me. I couldn't promise him if I would actually accept them wholeheartedly from now, if I would stop restricting myself all the time around them, if I would tell them everything or trust them unconditionally. But I did give him one answer that I knew mattered to him above all else ‐

"Okay", I nodded once still staring into his identical green eyes, "Fiorenza Costa. Everyone can call me Fiorenza Costa."

And a pair of lips lightly touched my forehead.

"Benvenuta a casa Fiorenza", he whispered.

[Welcome home]