When I woke up a day later, a nice nurse greeted me with a smile before asking for my name and emergency contact. She said, it was to contact my family. All this cemented my conclusion that the meeting, the conversation, the Costas, were one big fever dream my delusional brain had cooked up to scare me out of my unconscious wits. A snort escaped my mouth before I could control myself as I thought about how elaborate my imagination could go.

But my hands still shook everytime I could physically feel their phantom prescence around me. Talk about nightmares. However, I made sure not to mention any of my weird hallucinations as I rattled off mom's name and her number. I hope she doesn't get mad about me disturbing her during her work trip. But she has to understand this is not under my control, right?

"Give me a few minutes honey, I'll call your mom and be back in a jiffy", the elderly woman in white spoke before leaving the room humming some weird tune.

Humming in a hospital? Eh, maybe it was her way to cope with being around thousands of sick and dying people everyday. I honestly don't know how they do it. To deal with so much tragedy, even if it isn't your own, every single day- that must take some serious strength though.

I shook my thoughts as I tried to imagine mom's expression when she came through my hospital doors. She would be angry I'm sure, but maybe she'd ask me how I was feeling too? Maybe at the end before she left because visiting hours were over. I really didn't want mom to be angry when she came though. Ryan wouldn't come, that I know, but mom would surely be furious with me interrupting her at work. She didn't file a missing report after me surely? The amount of hassle! I mean- she might probably have thought about not having seen me around for some days but maybe she just assumed I was with friends or maybe Ryan fed her some bullshit.

No matter. As soon as mom comes here, I will explain everything to her and it will all be fine.

Soon the door to the room opened and the nurse from came back in with a sad smile I couldn't place. Why was she sad?

"Honey", she started in a voice that she definitely used to talk to five year old kids. What the hell? "Your mom said she was at work and apologizes, but she can't be here right now. We emailed the documents to be signed and she said she would send back a signed pdf. Do you have someone you can call to take you back? Or we can just redial your mom."

It wasn't like I didn't expect what she did. It wasn't that it was completely out of the ordinary. It wasn't that this was the first time she did something like that. It wasn't even that I felt betrayed. It was just numb.

"No, no it's fine", I replied with an easy smile but a powerful sensation in my jaw and the momentary blur in my vision made me aware of the oncoming storm, "I know she must me busy", why was saying every sentence so hard? Why was my mouth moving by itself? "I will call some friends of mine the day I get discharged. It's fine."

The tension in my jaw grew heavier and I could feel my throat closing up. Why wouldn't she leave?

"Ok honey", her smile was back in her face but I could see something different in her eyes. A strange understanding. "Press the button if you need anything. I'll leave you alone now."

I waited. I waited until the door closed. I waited a few more seconds just because. I waited until I couldn't bear it anymore and a gush of air came out of my mouth as my chest moved frantically. Useless tears streamed down my cheeks and my heart monitor screeched wildly about the room but no sound came out of my mouth. It was silent. It was eery. But my brain was screaming. I knew this. I knew this. This wasn't new. Why was I crying? Why was I crying? Why?

My jaw hurt. It hurt so bad. But the soundless heaves continued and I didn't know why. Why? Why? I am stupid. I am the definition of naive and gullible. Why? It was fine. It was fine. Why won't my mind listen? Why were the disgusting drops of water still pouring down my stupid cheeks? Why? Why me?
I knew this. I was used to this. I was aware of this. Why me?

A momentary cough was the only respite I had, it was the only sound that came out of my mouth in minutes before the torment continued. My body shook violently and I grabbed the sheets roughly but they didn't stop. The fell and fell and my nose lost control of its fluids and I was disgusting and my face was red and I was disgusting and I was disgusting and I was- is that why she didn't love me? No she did. She loved me. I was her daughter. She loved me. She just had work. She raised me. She fed me. She loved me. She would have given me up otherwise. Of course she loved me. I just need to try more. Of course she loved me. She was my mother, she loved me. She tolerated me in her house, under her roof, of course, she loved me. She birthed me. She-

Why won't she love me?

____________

I'm crying so hard. Why do I do this to myself?