Tomorrow I could go back to school. Tomorrow I would meet my friends again. Tomorrow I'd finally step out of this mansion for the first time in a very, very long time. Tomorrow I could finally be Rebekah again.
"I have already contacted the school office and had your name officially changed in their records", Federico casually said while we had dinner one fine Tuesday evening.
What?
"WHAT?", for the first time I lost complete control of my temper. My rules about abiding by them, listening and nodding to every whim of theirs went out of the window as soon as Federico uttered the very words that enraged me too much to care anymore. How could he do this?
"Lower your voice Fiorenza", Federico said sternly looking up from his i-pad before going back to it like he wasn't destroying my life piece by piece.
I know my other brothers were staring at me and I also know that my face got redder at his dismissal like my name doesn't even matter.
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT FEDERICO. THIS IS MY NAME. YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE MY NAME."
My eyes were wide and furious and raging. I was fucking boiling.
"Yes I can. I'm your guardian", he calmly replied this time looking up at me fully, "and please lower your voice Fiorenza."
"MY NAME IS REBEKAH", I was furious. So furious, "AND YOU SHOULD GET A LIFE AND STOP DESTROYING MINE."
There. I said it.
"You don't know what you're saying", Federico glared at me and if I wasn't so absolutely enraged right now, I would seal my mouth shut. They were dangerous but I was beyond caring. If he thinks he can take away my life, my name, my identity- then I don't want my life anymore.
"LET ME FUCKING GO. WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT AN EXTRA FREAKING CHILD. YOU ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH", I gestured around me. And honestly I didn't even know what I was saying at this point. I just needed him to lose his temper. His calmness was annoying me. Tears of frustration streamed down my eyes and my rational brain flew out to take a trip to Mexico.
He can't change my name. He can't.
"MOM WILL COME BACK AND I WILL CHANGE MY NAME AGAIN. I PROMISE YOU."
The last sentence was added just to taunt him.
It was then Federico did something I urged him to do the entire while I was screaming but deep down hoped he'd never do.
He lost his temper.
He slammed a hand down on the table and I could hear something fall down at the other end but I dared not move my furious, teary eyes from his face, "YOUR 'MOM' IS NOT COMING BACK FIORENZA. GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD."
And my mind completely blanked. Suddenly everything was just white and all background noises turned hazy. It was unnerving and all my mouth could generate was, "W-what do you mean she's not coming back? They just haven't found her yet."
Wasn't it? That was the truth. That was what had happened. The police officer told me they would look. They were looking. She had a missing person's report to her name. They had to look.
"She's not coming back Fiorenza. It's high time you accept that", Federico said instead of answering my question and a daunting realization was slowly beginning to settle in my head.
Cold. I felt cold.
I desperately turned to look at Gabrielé who wouldn't meet my eyes. Niccoló wouldn't either. Neither would Ercole. Or Marcello. Why wouldn't they meet my eyes? Declan looked at me with raised eyebrows and Eraldo was blank faced as always.
My heart beat a million miles a minute.
"What did you do?", I scrambled for an answer. Any answer. Anything would be better than what my mind thought had happened. Anything.
Federico remained silent.
"WHAT DID YOU DO?", a desperate heaving sob left my body and I threw the fork in my hand at the nearest wall.
And the blank look in his eyes was worse than any answer I could have ever imagined.
Was there even a missing report or was it all just a hoax to make me compliant? They said it themselves, they had a lot of power- so what if the police, the social worker and everything in between was just a ruse. Was I really that naive?
"There isn't a missing person report is there?", I sounded so unlike me. I know my face was a mess and as I looked down to stare at the expensive wood of the table all I felt was cold.
"No there isn't", Federico's clear voice spoke through the haze in my mind but I couldn't look up at him. I couldn't let the man who was destroying my life see the tears that just wouldn't stop.
"Is she", I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, "Is she", why was this so hard? ,"is she uh de-".
I couldn't complete my sentence.
This time Declan answered, "Not yet."
Yet?
"NO", my useless protests fell to empty ears and I had never felt so helpless before in my life.
"You said you would protect me. That you would never hurt me", I spitefully spit back the words he had used to lure me into this trap as I stared directly into the eyes of my eldest brother. I didn't fear anything anymore. Everything I believed in had just gone up in flames and I was a helpless, stupid, naive girl who voluntarily fell into it.
"You won't believe me right now. I know that. But this is me protecting you", Federico said and for the first time in the evening his voice sounded like it wasn't coming from a fucking robot. I did not care anymore.
"Protecting me?", my laugh sounded insane. I knew that. But I felt insane, "Protecting me? Taking away my mom is protecting me?"
"That woman she-", Declan cut himself off before he could say any more. But his eyes were molten lava.
"She what? Huh Declan?", I questioned equally furious. How dare he talk about my mother in that tone? "She what? Fed me? Clothed me? Put a roof over my head? Huh Declan?"
"Do you even hear yourself Fiorenza?", Declan exclaimed furiously. As he stood up to his height I refused to give up my ground. Any other day I would have run in the other direction, "that woman ignored you all her life. Everything. She ignored everything about you. And you still continue to defend her? You still want to keep the name given to you by a person that basically never even gave you a second glance? A person who gave absolutely no shit about you whatsoever?"
My eyes grew wide and my vision remained stagnant on his face refusing to believe what he had said. She didn't. She wouldn't. She- she was my mom.
"Stop making things UP. SHE IS MY MOM AND SHE LOVES ME.", I had to believe that. I had to.
"She didn't even pick you up from the hospital even though she was mere five blocks away tesoro", Gabrielé's sympathetic eyes met mine and I absolutely refused to believe whatever they were saying. I - no.
"How do you even know what goes on in a house? Who are you to judge how she chose to raise her kids?", my defences were weak but I had nothing. They took away my one fortress and broke it to nothing. As if I were nothing but a project to analyze.
"When we say we have power, we're not joking honey", Niccoló chose this moment to finally speak up, "and she didn't raise you and her son the same did she? You know we're correct baby, you just don't want to accept it."
I couldn't believe this. They were delusional. They were delusional and completely wrong. They were wrong.
"You're all crazy", was the only response my brain could come up with. I was tired. So, so tired. "YOU'RE ALL FUCKING CRAZY."
I was hysterical. I was beyond rationality and common senses. I was way, way beyond.
"You will have to accept it one day you know", Marcello's voice was soft, understanding. Too bad I didn't want understanding! I just wanted them to prove me right. They had to prove that they were just as crazy as I believed.
I rapidly shook my head. Why was this happening. This can't be happening. My heart pounded viciously in my ears as my hands shook. I couldn't breathe. My throat felt dry and my skin felt sticky. Why can't I breathe? An acute pain bloomed at my chest and I violently clawed at it but I couldn't hear anything. Despite all this I felt as if my mind was beyond my body as I continued to violently shake. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
The clawing at my chest suddenly stopped but I couldn't understand why. I couldn't feel my body and my mind slowly descended into a greater frenzy. What was happening? Why can't I breathe? A faint voice sounded form somewhere underwater and I looked around violently to search for it. Why couldn't I look around?
"It's Niccoló baby. My name is Niccoló."
Niccoló, I knew that name. Niccoló.
"Breathe in honey. I really need you to breathe in", the voice insisted. Didn't he know I could breathe? I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't.
"You can do it Fiore. I know you can", he said calmly like I wasn't drowning and I for the first time I felt something beneath my hand, "Concentrate on my heartbeat baby. And please breathe."
He sounded so earnest. So desperate. I took in a huge gulp of air.
"That's it. You can do it. Now slowly breathe it out. Concentrate on my heartbeat."
I could do that I could concentrate. And I breathed out again.
"There you go. You're doing so good", he said I did good. Why did that feel so nice. I absently realized I couldn't feel my heartbeat pounding in my ears anymore.
"I want you to breathe in again baby", again? I had to do it again? "Please. Do it for me. Please breathe in again."
I breathed in.
And I breathed out again and I breathed in, and just as Niccolo said I slowly opened my eyes. I could see a blue shirt in front of me. Niccoló. Niccoló who brought me back from a panic attack. Niccoló who held my hand through it. I looked down. I could see several shoes surrounding us and I knew they were all here. They all saw me drown like a madwoman and they all witnessed my irrational craze. They all saw me.
"It's okay honey", Niccoló's soothing voice spoke in the softest tone but I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed to have fallen apart in front of the very men I had been screaming at for the last hour. I couldn't do this. I couldn't be this person. I couldn't deal with the last hour of my life. I couldn't comprehend what my life had come to. I couldn't believe what was happening.
So I stood and ran.