I get to the kitchen, grabbing whatever random bottle I could, pouring some into the cup and downing. This time, I really wanted to feel it. I pour another huge shot worth, downing it after pouring, doing this a good maybe three or four times before filling the cup and putting the bottle down.

   My nerves getting the better of me the longer I was here, feeling watched, like everyone was plotting against me or something. Sweating as I started to feel the alcohol start to kick in, just as my anxiety was rising to the point I thought, hmm.. maybe I should just leave. But nope.

   I continued to drink carelessly and make my way outside instead. Thinking maybe the fresh air would help instead. I huff out some, looking around as I tried to calm myself internally. I drank some more of the liquor in my cup, leaving about half of it left as I pulled back quickly, almost tripping over my feet as I was walking to the side a bit.

   I was outside now, a pool in front of me and various teens scattered about. Luckily not nearly as crowded as inside. I didn't bother looking around, tipping back my cup instead.

"Marina!" I cut off my sip quickly, almost choking on it as I jumped in my spot, head turning quickly towards the voice. By the pool was a couch, and on that couch was Fezco. I smiled some, clumsily making my way for him.

"Hiii Fezzy." I sat on the couch beside him, leaning into him some. It was obvious I wasn't fully there at the moment, but I felt good.. Better than I felt in a while.

"Ay, where you been kid? First yous just not come around and then you just take off from the store. What was that all about, kid?" I pouted dramatically, shaking my head as I buried myself into his side.

"Come one, now, man. You had me really worried. You wasn't textin' me or yo sister back. Yo father. You had us all worried, like f'real." I stayed silent, looking at the pool dully in front of us. I still stayed quiet for a minute, seeing Rue by the pool. Jules inside the pool.. Wait, the fuck?

I groaned some, drinking some more of my drink.

"I just wanted to be left alone." I say simply. I sit up some from the bench, bringing my knees up to my chest, hugging them with one arm.

"Marina.. is like, everythin' good? You been like.. kinda worryin' me, kid. Askin' 'bout drugs, disapearin' and shit, man. Ash been quiet since yous left too." I shook my head quickly, the anxiety and sadness hitting me heavily.

"I don't care. I don't wanna- No Ash. I don't wanna talk about Ash." I feel my eyes water some, quick to hide and give myself time to push them away as I bury my face into the cup, drinking some more.

"Marina, is there, like.. somethin' between y'all?" I pull back some, watching Jules swim around the pool some as I hold both arms around my legs. I lean back fully into the couch, looking up at the sky.

"No." I say plainly. Hoping he'd just drop it, maybe because it was harder for me to be less open while my mind kept going in and out.

"Ay, I'd be cool if there was. I mean.. I kinda like seeing y'all together. Ash ain't nice to nobody." I rolled my eyes at this some, ending up rolling my whole head with it, letting it thud against the back of the couch.

"You people act like he treats me so much better." He laughs out a tiny bit, nodding his head before going to reach for some smokes. I look towards the table his smokes were on, seeing more bottles of booze. I grin childishly, chugging the last bit before reaching over for a random bottle. I see him eyeing me, but he doesn't say anything, watching me as I pour my cup excitedly.

"Yeah, maybe he's not the nicest but he's true. He'll protect you to the end, Gem. You know how he is though, bruh gotta keep his image." I chuckled at this some, him teasing Ashtray some even though he wasn't here. But we both knew how Ash could be, keeping that tough bad boy image when people were around, like he doesn't give a shit, which yeah given he mostly really don't give a shit.. But like Fezco said, he''ll protect what he does care about. His business and Fezco. Oh, and his grandma too.

I caught myself smiling as I thought about Ash, frowning as I continued to remember.

"You know.. my whole childhood, it was always the two of us. Jules and me did everything together, were always there for each other.. I hated the way my mother treated Jules, how she treated my father... how she treated me " I looked up from my cup, leaning back into the couch once more as I stared up at the sky once more. Fezco quiet as he listened.

"I think I first started resenting my mother when she made me go dress shopping. I fucking hated it, I hated that she would put me on display like.. like I wasn't even a person. I hated the way she'd get so loud everyone's attention would turn to me and they'd all just, fuckin'.." I huffed quietly, shaking my head.

"I'd only go, so I could pick out stuff I thought Jules would like to wear, for the fashion shows we'd put on at home for dad.. Eventually my mom got tired of me letting Jules wear them. Knowing I was only encouraging her differentiality." I heavily mocked, my mother's past judgment over my sister.

"It got worst.. The day she left to have Jules locked up. She didn't come home that night.. and dad didn't get home till late, like really, really late. She left home.. and there was this.. really nasty storm outside.. or maybe it was just because I was a child, I don't know but.. I was, like.. I was so fucking terrified. Literally I was like.." My voice cracked some as I had a hard time focusing on what part of the night sky to focus on. My head staring up at the sky, the memories vivid and raw.

"Guess I'm such a jumpy person because for some reason I, guess, I still think the stupid shadows are gonna get me or something." I fake laugh, it being easier to push the tears to the corner of my eyes and blink them away.

"Only my father and your brother know, about me being left home alone, I mean.. Your brother doesn't know much to the story but, like.. Jules doesn't even know what happened.. She doesn't know how badly my mother treated me while she was locked up either. My father barely even knows.." I gave another fake laugh.. a bit more breathless than the last, as if somewhat impressed with how long I've managed to keep it to myself. I let my head roll to the side, looking over towards Fez. He looked sad.. somehow that making me sadder than reliving my childhood.

"She used to constantly tell me how she regretted having kids. How if, "she knew how her first one was gonna end up she would have never had a second one." She's spent days not talking to me, or days just screaming at me for doing nothing more than existing. She'll get drunk and pop a few and.." I swallowed hard, looking back towards the pool. I watched as Jules pulled Rue into the pool.

"..I'd wish she'd choke on her own vomit." I didn't mean to say it so.. lack of care. So little empathy for the woman who birthed me. But that's all she did. Was birth me. I didn't ask to be born, and she was in no way a mother. She didn't love me, and she made that very clear.

"But she never did. So here we are, her off doing who knows the fuck what, while I slowly lose my best friend and fear every fucking shadow." I threw back my cup cheerfully, suddenly over the depression, even if it lingered in the back of my mind.

"Man.. I-" I blocked out Fezco's noises of processing, drinking to block out the echoing words.

"Look, I know I don't know all the fucked-up shit yous been through but.. you ain't gotta do that shit alone, kid. Not anymore. You got me and Ash, bruh. We yo family, too naw. So, whenever you're scared of thems shadows, you come see us, we got you." I felt the tears come back to my eyes, the urge to cry caught in the back of my throat.

"Ash hates me." My voice cracking again, but I held the tears back.

"Nah, he don't hate you. Pretty sure you the other person that comes by the store he can actually tolerate." I shook my head, leaning into him some. I felt tired, almost exhausted.. but more mentally then physically.

"He thinks I'm pathetic.. 'Cause I'm a no body." I may be paraphrasing some. I felt him move, somehow getting that he was shaking his head.

"Nah, you trippin'. Of course, you somebody. You Marina. Yous our little Gem, bruh." I stayed silent some, feeling the tears fall as I let his words sink in. It felt so meaningful, but still made me feel empty. I felt empty..

"Aw, come here, girl. Look, I don't know what happened between y'all but.. I'm sure y'all 'ill work it out. Ash is just.. It's complicated.. He doesn't hate you though, Marina." He had pulled me closer to him, side hugging me as I curled more into his side.

"I'm tired." I mumbled some, the both of us chilling on the couch. I was oblivious to Jules and Rue's altercation in the pool, not even thinking about them. My mind flickering between thoughts of Ash and my mother. Fezco.

   My mind was still stuck in the past.. Jules and I relying on each other to survive from my mother's abuse and neglect.. Only she's gone.. And Jules and I don't need to rely on each other like we used to. Jules is moving on and I guess I kinda was too. I befriended Fezco and Ash.. Only.. things with Ash were complicated. Complicated because he kissed me..

   It was sorta of complicated anyways because I was already having feelings for him but, still. He kissed me. I don't get why he'd kiss me though. He hasn't said anything about it, done anything about it. And then he yells at me. Don't forget tattooing a diamond on you.. Yeah, there's that too, thanks.

"Aight, how 'bout we get you home, then. Come on, kid." I shook my head tiredly, groaning slightly.

"I don't wanna. I wanna sleep here." I tuck myself further into his side, feeling myself falling deeper asleep.

"'Bout fuckin' time, I thought she was gonna drink herself into a fuckin' coma. Let's go, man." I knew, I knew the voice. The familiar raspy grumblingness of it registering in my brain instantly but to out of it to really care.

"We'll just take her back to our crib. Help me out, bruh." I felt myself being picked out, coming to it slightly as I felt someone try and take my cup.

"Mine, get your own." I gripped the cup some, the person giving a sound of annoyance.

"Would you let go of the fuckin' thing. You done." I leaned away from the person some, it seeming like they struggled for a second to keep me balanced in their arms, feeling myself almost fall back but they caught me quickly.

"Youu'rre done." I slurred back, childishly.

"Ay, ay, Rue." I started dozing off some, hearing some mumbled talking before the person carrying me started taking off. The talking staying behind.

"You had us worried, disapearin' like that'n shit, Gem." I scrunched my brows together, turning into the person more, not feeling the urge to fight at the moment. Not even noticing the cup wasn't even in my hands anymore, and I had fallen asleep in Ashtray's arms.