You guys..  I'm being picky😮‍💨  I keep rereading the last few chapters and it just doesn't sound right and it's driving me insane trying to fix things😭😩  I'm trying to be quick for y'all, fix it up during my free time but.. I'm serious.. This shit just not wanting to set right with me.

Also- Above☝️There is only a few chapters left until this story comes to a close. It's been fun working on it- Except these last few chapters that are making my brain hurt. Good news though, I already have another Ashtray story that's been in the works buuut- Okay and here comes the bad news- My next classes started. (Online classes) Soo, yeah. Fun😅

     About a week has gone by now. Fezco kept his word, finally working up the courage to visit his little buddy. He couldn't help but feel worse, the tears swelling in his eyes as he saw her lifeless looking form laying on the bed. Her breathing supported with an oxygen tube, her body twisted up in all sorts of wires and sticky pads that clung messily to her skin. Needles imbedded in her arms, some for pain, some for hydration, some for who knows what else. He felt like she was more tech than human.

It was hard for him to see her like this, but he knew he had to be there.

     Ashtray however, still hadn't been by. He still did what he had to in accordance of his agreement for being released, but after that it was right back home, to his room and back to his depressive thoughts. He knew he had to see her, he wanted too.. He longed too.. but at the same time he couldn't. The more he thought about going, the angrier he'd get and the more he'd beat himself up. The hate he felt for himself was only making it worse. 

Until finally, he turned that hate into fuel.

    Ash had just finished his therapy for the day, and still had a few hours til his curfew, set by the courts, of course. He tried not to think as he made his way home, taking different turns and roads than he normally would. He knew where he was going, and it's not actually the first time he's driven by the place. There were many times he's driven by, hopeing he'd work up the courage to stop the car and enter the building.. but he never had the courage. He wasn't even sure if he did today either.

   Ashtray's eyes stare up at the large building, the bags under his eyes thick and dark as he only now realized he had stopped and shut the car off.

"Don't be such a pussy." He growls to himself, throwing his hood back and he threw open the car door.

    The door to the room slowly swings opens, a faint creaking sounding out but not as loud as typical doors would make. The room was big, not huge with windows on the opposite side of the room Parallel to the door, and between him and the windows, hooked up to all sorts of wires and tech gear.. was Marina. His bottom lip twitched as he stood there for a long frozen moment. His legs taking slow steps for him til he was standing beside the bed, staring down at her pale face.

"I was wondering how long it be before you finally showed.. was beginning to think you weren't ever going too.." Ash was to numb to be shocked by the voice that sounded behind him and off to the side. A couch rested against the wall beside the door when you first walk in, on it was Jules. Both staring lifelessly at the girl who laid in bed before them.

     Ash remained silent, his eyes flickering all over her features. His eyes wandering over each wire that was patched or embedded into her body. Watching the fluids that dropped and would travel through the long tubes and into the girls veins.

"They say talking to her is good, might help her wake up because she'll regonize our voices or something? I don't know." Jules sniffs as she numbly explains. Shrugging and looked elsewhere as Ash finally turns to face her.

"You were wrong, by the way.." His voice sounded hollow as he spoke out, as if it's his first time speaking in ages. He makes his way for the couch beside Jules, sitting down heavily as Jules turns to him in an almost defensive yet curious manner.

"Wrong about what?" His eyes flicker from Marinas form to meet Jules' eyes.

"She didn't just not like your mother... She feared her and resented her." Jules wasn't sure how to respond, not sure where this was even coming from for a moment til she realized he must have been listening to her while she visited them last. She couldn't help but feel a little pissed, him ignoring her then comes her just to say she was wrong. Wrong about what?- If anyone knew how Marina felt it was sure to be her. Jules knew better than anyone what their mother was like, so of course she knew Marina didn't like their mother.

"What..?" Ash would have rolled his eyes if he had the energy but he didn't, and in a way Jules felt that. The small fizz of anger subsided, both of them leaning back onto the couch and stared at the unconscience girl in the room. Jules was curious by his last answer, but instead of questioning that she questioned him on another matter instead.

"Ashtray.. What happened between you and Marina...?" The two were never friends, and if they were being honest with each other they didn't particle care about each other either. But there was usually a mutual respect there due to Marina, but this time there seemed to be a real moment between the two. Both feeling each other's sadness and guilt. The void left since Marina's accident.

".. I thought what I was doing was the right thing.." He answers quietly before turning to look at her.

"What about you? What happened between you two?" They both knew they knew the answer, and him asking wasn't him trying to be a dick.. It was a reminder.

"I guess for the same reasons.. I just thought it would have ended better.." She whispered numbly, both nodding dejectedly. 

How easy it is for good intentions to go wrong.

      More time went on, and Ashtray continue to visit the hospital. As did Fez. Fezco ended up visiting while Ash was there one day, after that point they'd just sometimes go together. They still went on they're own occasions, wanting that time for themselves as most people who went to visit Marina did. David, Lexi.. Jules. Of course, Jules was there most of the time people would show up, usually taking that time to get a drink while the person visits. But as time went on, the more Fezco and Ashtray visited and naturally, the more they'd talk and grow closer with Jules. They knew others were hurt by Marinas condition, obviously, but the three of them were the closest to her and now they only had each other. Fez still had Lexi, though, they were still working things out and taking things slow, and Jules had her dad and some friends like Kat she could talk to but.. for the three of them, they found solace when it was just the three of them.

    Slowly but surely as Ash visited the hospital, him and Jules would talk, Fezco showing up and he too would join the conversation. It was during the course of this time that sercrets, became not so secret anymore. It wasn't long after Ash first started visiting that Marina's mental health came up.

"Seriously though. What did you mean she didn't just hate my mom?" Jules asked as she and Ash sat drearily on the couch of the hospital room. Fezco couldn't make this visit, and her dad was at work. She knew how her dad felt about Ash and Fezco, so knew it was best to keep them on separate visiting hours.

"Jules, did you ever think about WHY your sister hated your mother so much? Why it hurt her so much when you accused her of calling your mom over?.. No.. You didn't. You never thought about-" Ash felt himself slipping, his voice taut with anger. He knew it wasn't right to blame her, not when he was to blame for worse, he thought.

"No.. Say it." A tear fell from her eye, both still staring sadly at the girl in bed with the lights to the room off. The sky outside dark despite the time, rain pelting the window forcibly, the wind blowing powerfully. It was almost scary.

His eyes narrowed.

"You were always oblivious to her feelings.. She was always doing things she didn't want to do for you. Going to places she didn't want to, for you. Do you have any idea, how much that fucking dress you made her wear fucked with her?! I kept it, in my fucking closet bro. She sees it, literally months later and she still freaked out over seeing it! And you know why! You do! I know you do! She says you don't but- How could you not know how much of a cunt your mother was!? She was cruel to your sister, Jules! She forced her into those dresses, the dresses she only got for you! So you can be happy wearing something that made you feel special! All while she felt like shit! Oh and her anxiety?! Because your mother left her home while she had you locked up! And she didn't even come back to check on her Jules. She was just-.. She was terrified. She's still fucking terrified! When you lost her at the carnival, when you left her to run away..!" He ranted and rambled vehemently. At some point throwing himself up from the couch and started pacing back and forth in front of her. His arms up in the air, waving around, sometimes gripping the air in a frenzy. Jules listened to it all, her mind racing with thoughts, new information, memories- buried memories..! All of it just flooding her mind. She felt so overwhelmed, all her emotions making her feeling worse than she's ever felt in her entire life. Her self hate, a new self hate, anger, grief, guilt, it twisted her insides wickedly. Is this how Marina felt? There was no doubt she felt like shit, and as much as she wanted to stay silent, knowing it was the least she could do.. there was one thing she couldn't stay silent about. Something that made her mouth open before she could even stop herself. Her body running on the adrenaline she felt from her raging emotions.

"-And do you have any idea how it felt to know she chose you guys over me?! She chose you! .. She stayed.. for you." She defended. She knew it wasn't right of her to put her sister in that situation to begin with, but she still couldn't help but always feel a small bit of hurt and betrayal by that. Knowing her sister, even while under pressure, would still rather have stayed here.

"-And she hated herself for it! That's all she did was hate herself because of you and your mother!! Constantly going through hell for you! And constantly going through hell because of your mother!" It remains quiet for a while. The sounds of the heavy storm outside and the sound of Ashtray's heavy breathing as he tried to catch his breath, could be heard. Almost drowning out the beeps from the machines that went off rythmatically. That.. and Jules' silent cries. She keeps a hand over the lower half of her face as she looks away from him and stares at her sister as she tries to compose herself. She fails, her face scrunching up horribly as her hands fly up to shield her face completely. 

     Ashtray breathes in deeply as he closes his eyes to calm himself over hearing her cries. Ash turns from her and goes to the window where he sulked quietly, guilty(surprisingly) for snapping at her like he had. He knew he's always wanted to say something to Jules. How she's been oblivious of her sister's feelings, but he knew it wasn't all entirely her fault. It was her mothers, plus.. Marina said how she's kept most of what their mothers done to her from Jules... But still. Jules has done stuff in the past that hurt Marina, and well it's Ash.. Even if, he too has hurt Marina.

    The two stayed in silence for a long while, Jules calming herself a bit ago and has now gone to her thoughts. Thinking about everything he's said, thought about everything she knew..

"So.. So when my mom had me committed, and Marina was left home.. My dad didn't leave work early to go home?" Ash still stares outside as he leans against the window sill, an arm resting up above him on the glass. Is that what she was told? And she actually believed it..?

"No.. He worked late that night.. He didn't get home til late.. And your mom didn't even go home at all that night."

"So she was left home all night? So.. that's why everytime she's.. The mall-Oh my God." Jules face cringes as she remembers the day at the mall when they were children. The look on her sisters face. She looked terrified. She knew her sister was sometimes scared to be left alone but.. She never thought it was because of that! She shakes her head in shame looking down as it all made sense to her now. 

"It's not so much the being 'left alone' part that freaked her out, but the 'while there's a huge fucking storm goin' on that kills the power to the house' that did.." Naturally this made her feel worse. Covering her face again. She could only picture her, her little sister being left home that whole time, the whole house dark and empty. Marina would never admit it and maybe Jules never has before either but.. Marina was a sensitive person. She's tough.. but deep down.. she forgot how sensitive her sister was.. And this whole time she's ignore that.. Ignored her sister.

"..Wait, but dad came home eventually right? That means he knew! Why didn't they ever tell me this!?" Her tears subsided, being pushed to the corner of her eyes as Ash finally turned to face her. She was almost surprised by the look he gave. There was a new sense of calmness, but you could tell there was a deep sense of empathy she's never seen before.

"There was a lot of things they didn't tell you.. "

    Ashtray knew it was time Jules learned the full truth of their mothers torment. To learn what really happened to Marina while Jules was sent away. The abuse and neglect Marina faced until their mother left- even after she left! He knew he didn't know everything, but he could at least tell Jules everything he did know. So he did. Or at least would have. David called saying he was on his way to the hospital earlier than he normally would. He had finished his work early that day and decided to spend more time with his daughters. Even if one wasn't aware.

   The next time Ash went to visit, to really tell Jules everything. Fezco was there with Lexi, the two of them still together but not together/together. If only Marina knew, she'd push those two together once and for all😒

    They talked about the past that day too, Fezco knowing a few of the tales but noticed that lack of details he had on some. Which in turn there was moments he knew more to the story than Ash did, so he'd say something. Lexi was hearing almost all of this for the first time. She never knew Marina had lived through such things. She knew her friend was.. troubled from some things in her life but.. nothing like this..

"Oh my God. She.. she really said that?? To her own daughter? Who even-.. " Lexi covered her face as tears formed, looking between Marina and Jules. Ash nodded sadly, looking over at Jules as she tearfully stared at her sister. Her own mother.. saying such horrible things about her own children. She was supposed to love them.. and she didn't even want them.

"Yep. Honestly I'm sure she's said worse but.. I'm.. I don't fucking know." Ash sighed and rubbed his face stressfully.

"How can it get worse.. than saying she never would have had her if she knew how I was gonna turn out?" Ash hadn't even begun to scratch the surface of it all and already it seemed like it was to much for Jules to handle. She knew her mom was a horrible person, but always thought it was just her, her mother was cruel towards. She knew their mom wasn't, like, the best parent when they were children. Yelling and giving them, as she looks back, quite hateful looks, but.. She never knew her mother was so hateful towards her sister.

    There's a pause between the group, Lexi having to leave for her family's therapy session. Cassie returned home after her and Nate broke up. Turns out, Lexis play was a hit.. well.. to a lot of others. Not so much for Cassie. They have a lot to work on, but they're working on it, together. Suze, with much persuasion from Lexi, agreed the best thing for them was family therapy.

They're getting there.

"You sure it's right to be tellin' her all this bro? I know yous hurtin' and just wanna do some good but.. I don't know, man.. Maybe we should just wait til Marina wakes up so she can tell them all this shit, herself." Ash tried not to glare at his brother as they stood in the hallway to the hospital.

"And what if she doesn't wake up!? What if she never gets to tell them?! Then it'd be my fault bruh.. I can't-" Fez almost became self conscience at his little brothers out burst, other people around them in the hospital turning to look at them as they passed by or as they stood by the vending machine. He stepped forward quickly, nodding his head, acknowledging his brothers frustration and sorrow. His own sadness coming back instantly.

"I know, I know, man. But you can't be thinkin' like that. We both know Marina ain't gonna just.. She's tougher than that, kid. She'll wake up, you just wait. I know, Gem'll wake up." He spoke airily not sure if he was assuring his brother or himself. They stay embraced for a moment, Ash wanted to cry but pushed the tears back, remembering the public place they were still in.

"Look, I got a few things to take care of. I'll swing back by a lil' later and get yous so you get home on time. I love you, brother." Fez takes a moment to fully embrace Ashtray, Ash sighing heavily as he gives in and hugs Fezco back wholeheartedly.

"I love you too, bro."

   Ash opens the door silently to the room, watching Jules who sat in the chair beside her sisters bed. She held her hand tightly, and although her back was to Ash he could see the tears that fell from her eyes freely.

"- sorry I said that to you the first time mom brought you shopping- I wasn't trying to make you feel bad I swear. I- I didn't even remember saying it til now, Gem! I'm sorry." Jules cries more, putting her head down on her sisters hand she held in her own.

"We used to have so much fun dressing up too! And you'd always let me pick first.. You'd let me wear most of the jewels.. You even gave me my name, Marina! I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for you. I'd be whatever it is mom wanted me to be. But you always let me be me.. You always made me feel safe to be myself.. You remember when we first picked out names-?" Jules cuts herself off with a chocked chuckle. Her eyes wide with tears.

"I was wearing so many jewels..I swear I took, like, almost all of them. You gave me my name and I knew I had to give you one too. So I gave you the name, Gem. I said you were like a Gem, rare and special. You're still a Gem, Marina. My Gem, and I love you.." Jules sniffs, wiping her eyes as she smiles softly and sorrowfully at her little sister. Ash couldn't help but scoff out a small chuckle out under his breath, shaking his head as he looked away from the scene. He recalled the memory vividly. For a lot of reasons. That was the day he first heard the story of how Gem and Jules came to be, and Marina had also called him her friend that day. Her best friend. He never realized it til now but.. She really was his best friend. And he missed her so much. His heart ached without much he missed her. Talking to her, hearing her laugh, seeing her smile.. He even missed her trying to steal his kicks. He'd give them all to her if it meant she'd wake up!

    Jules sniffs again, wiping her nose as she looks back at him.

"What?" Ash looks at her before looking down at the comatose girl.

"Nothing she just.. She told me once how she got the name, Gem. I was always giving her shit about wanting her shoes, the diamond ones? I never understood why they meant so much til she told me about the whole nickname thing." 

"She fucking loved those things." Ash mumbled. He couldn't lie, he fucking liked the shoes too but.. Marina held them to heart. Ash just thought they were dope. 

"She diiiiid. I'm honestly, Im still surprised she let you where them. Like, my dad moved them just to clean off her shoe display and she, okay? She grounded him." Jules says still astonished her sister let anybody wear her beloved shoes. Ash not being able to help a small smile from forming. Jules smiles softly, looking back at her sister while moving some hair from her face. The smile soon fading.

"Ash.. How much don't I really know?" He shrugs, mostly to himself as he walks to the other side of the bed.

"There's a lot of stuff all of us don't know.. Marina had a tendency of keeping things to herself.."

"But she told you guys! Why didn't she tell me? She never told me any of this!" Jules couldn't help but cry at this acknowledgment.

"The first time she really talked to me was the night of the carnival, after she got separated from you. She was freaking out I had Fezco get her, brought her back to the booth. I could tell something was still bothering her, so I tried distracting her by trading stories. I asked her for a story on what her secret was and in return I'd tell her how I got my name, cause she was always asking why and shit. Anyways. She told me how your mom left her home alone, but that wasn't her big secret. Her secret was that you didn't know how much of a bitch your mom really was... I've thought about saying something before, especially when you'd do dumb shit like run away leaving your sister alone in the middle of the streets somewhere. Or when you kept making your sister worry with your online dating bullshit, only for that to turn into Nate bullshit- Which let me tell you, that whole Shyboy180 something...! I can't even tell you how much your sister went out of the way trying to protect you. She threatened a grown ass dude for you because she found out he had a di-" He had found himself ranting again, stopping himself reeeal quick. He hummed, detouring in conversation. Jules raised a brow at him.

"What? He had a what? He, wh-..?" Ashtray doesn't answer as Jules tries to figure out what he meant.. Wait..

"Wait.. Do you mean.. Do you mean Nate? No, Cal-Oh my God! She did know about the disk!" Ash looks at her confusingly, suddenly dumbfounded by her awareness on the topic. Last he knew she didn't know she was being recorded, let alone have any idea her sister knew about it.

"Wait.. You knew.. about the disk?" He asked dumbly.

"I mean, not at first. Before, before all this happened, Nate gave it to me. He said there was a good chance Mariana knew about it, something about his dad getting beat by some.. thug.." Jules laughs as she says this out loud, tying Ash to what Nate had once told her. Ash almost smiles as he thinks back to beating the older guy up, frowning as he remembers how that day ended.

"Yeah..  Well... Dude shouldn't been an asshole." Ash sniffs bluntly, eyes dull as he looks away from both Marina and Jules completely. Jules watches him, frowning as she does so.

"What else..? What else didn't she tell me?" Jules asks sadly. She knows the more she hears the more it'll hurt, but she needs to hear it. Ash keeps his head turned but looks back at her with sharp eyes.

"She used to stay up, all night. Worrying and hoping nothing bad would happen to you while you would hook up with randos. Everytime you left, she'd be at home, scared you were getting r- She worried about you constantly, Jules. She was always afraid someone was gonna hurt you, or catfish you just like Nate did... or fucking kill you!" Jules stared at Marina. (Imagine hearing that last bit just being yelled out without only context😬 A lady walking down the hall, oh I wonder what's wrong with this per-..I'm sorry, I'll get back to editing now..) She should have known all those times she told her sister not to worry, she was actually worrying. 

"Especially when you met up with him in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night." Ash threw in bitterly. Jules sniffs, eyes dull.

"That was the night I found out it was Nate.." Jules confesses through her swollen sinuses. Ashtray nods sarcastically, shrugging like it was okay. A stroke of anger igniting in him.

"Yeeah.. No. I'm pretty sure she fucking gathered that." Jules gazes up at him perplexed. His eyes wide and though he was unaware, slowly outlining with tears.

"How?"

"Because of Rue! Whatever she didn't figure out on her own- Rue told her!" Ashtray fist clenched as he eyes begun to sting.

"If she had just gone up stairs like she was supposed to.. If Rue hadn't said anything.. She never should have left the room- She was never meant to get caught up with any business drama!" He was yelling but it was clear to Jules he wasn't yelling at her anymore. This anger was towards himself and she wasn't entirely sure why. She knew what Ashtray was charged for and why he's not sitting in prison. Her father made it very clear to stay away from them. She always knew there was more to the story, and she knew somehow her sister was tied up in there. She wasn't sure if that was the reason or not she was shot but she did know.. that whatever she did have to do with it, was more than likely to do with her and Ashtray's problems. It had to be connected, right? Especially now.. She just knew.

"What.. What room? Why are you getting so- Ashtray!? Wai-" He knew she was gonna start questioning him, and he knew it was only fair he told her that as well, but right now he can't. His thoughts and feelings were starting to overload as all his memories started playing off of each other. One memory going onto the next, all of them leading to the one he cared about getting hurt. It wasn't her that's supposed to be hurt! She was never supposed to get hurt! She's supposed to be.. She'd be... She'd be hurting.. Like I am..

"Where are you going!?" Jules yelled after him, dumbly staring after him. He slammed the door behind him unintentionally, leaving Jules more confused and just as lonely as before. Left without knowing everything she wanted- needed to know!

And unfortunately that's how it remained for a time. Ashtray couldn't bring himself to confront the rest of the story yet.