I sat on the table against the way back, hood up as I watched Ash work. I sat with my knees up, and sometimes putting my head down to think. Only looking up to try and get myself to stop thinking, of course then I'd try and get myself to stop watching Ash by thinking... It was a never-ending cycle.

"Jesus." I hear him mumble, causing me to look up. He seemed to be getting a break in customers, taking a sip from his drink.

"So how come you freaked so bad? You got anxiety or some shit?" I almost glared, which I did but didn't direct it to him, instead rolling my head to the side and glared at the wall beside me. He made his way to me some more, standing a few feet away.

"Yeah, I guess, I don't know. Not like I've been diagnosed with anything." I rushed out, agitated. Embarrassed... shameful.

"Being diagnosed means shit." I rolled my head back to look at him, as if asking him what his point was.

"Why were you so freaked out?" I grow annoyed involuntary, it usually happening whenever I'm in an episode or coming down from one.  The shame I felt.. only made my anger grow, even if I didn't want it to.

"Look, can we not. We both know you ain't asking 'cause you care." In case it wasn't clear, I was still a little salty. My brow twitches when he takes a few more steps forward, causing me to tense.

"Aight, I'll make you a deal. You wanted to know how I got my name so badly, aight, check it. Tell me your biggest secret. Once you do, I'll tell you how I got the name Ashtray. And no cheatin', I'll be able to tell if yous lyin' or not." He crossed his arms, putting his weight to one side of his body as he let me sit there to stew on the decision.

   I've always wanted to know how he got it, Fezco going to tell me but Ash stopped him. Ash usually not letting Fezco tell me many stories of him when he was younger. Some but, none that could actually embarrass him or anything it seemed.

   But he wanted to know my biggest secret, which is one not even my sister knew. And that was my secret, that she didn't know. 

   I frowned, trying to push back the cry as I lowered my head some. I sat up some, hugging my knees as I leaned into them, not particularly caring about how much closer it, literally, brought me to him. I tried to say it once, stopping as I put my head down into my legs. It's not like he's gonna tell Jules.. Obviously but it's not like I want to admit to him any more than I did Jules. Fezco.. maybe Rue are the only ones I'd have a somewhat easier time opening about this too. Jules for obvious reason, but Ash.. I hate the idea and the very thought of him seeing me weak. Especially if it involved one of my lowest points. Fuck it..

"I- When I was younger, my mother brought Jules on a road trip, only we didn't know it was a road trip at the time. She was actually having her locked up. She did this while my father was at work, and she left me home alone. She didn't come home that night, and my dad ended up having to stay longer at work, didn't get home till really late that night. Well, there was also a really bad storm that night. Power went out and.. kinda just.. freaked myself out all night, I guess." I shifted, feeling on spot as he stood there. I dangle my legs over the side of the counter, swinging a foot anxiously as I continued.

"Well, the secret is, is that Jules, doesn't know stuff like that happened to me while she was sent away and I was left home with my mother. " I watched my foot swing back and forth, mindlessly as I avoided eye contact. Looking back, I don't know why I kept it from Jules, I guess I just didn't want her to worry about me when she got out, hate mom even more than she already did for having sent her off. Know just how bad our mother really was.. Not that she didn't already having a clue, literally being sent away by our mother. I don't know why, I mean we're older. and we're both trying to move on. I guess maybe that's why I haven't said anything.. I just didn't want to talk about it again.

   My heart skipped a beat, immediately pounding in my chest as I leaned the upper half of my body back quickly. Ash was suddenly in front of me, leaning onto the counter, arms on either side of me, as if trapping me. His hands almost on mine that rested on the counter on either side of me. The counter wasn't tall, so we were about the same height as I sat on the counter still. He was close to my face, closer before I had pulled back a few inches in surprised.

"Wanna know how I got the name Ashtray?" I felt my heart in my throat, trying to force an answer quickly. He was so close, his breath on my face, his eyes alluring and held such intensity, even more so, being so close to them, to him. He was so much more captivating and intense the closer you got.

"How?" I finally asked, him even nice enough to wait for me to finally ask, though I think he did that for his own amusement. He leans in just a bit more, putting me on edge more. He was silent a moment, as if he knew the longer, he stayed silent the more he knew it would drive me crazy. Not just waiting for an answer but because of how close he was.

"My grandmother gave me the name after I ate cigarettes from the ashtray as a baby." I blinked at him, not sure I heard correctly. Wait.. really? Every bit of sadness I felt, vanished, the urge to laugh there instead. I smiled, giggling out at this, as it leaked out from the back of my throat. He continued to stand close, staring at me with the same, almost serious look on his face as I started to laugh some more.

"I can-" I stopped for a second, my stomach doing flips and heart jumping at the sudden realization of what was happening. I paused for a second, closing my eyes as I started kissing back, acting on pure impulse. He walked closer, putting a hand on either side of my hips. I gripped my hands on the sides of his red and white stripped work apron, pulling him slightly closer, not realizing just how much I was losing myself to the kiss.

"Hello! Kissy-kissy time over! I want to meet up with Molly sometime tonight people. Damn!" I pulled back from Ash, both up us turning to look at some people who were by the front window. Ash sucked his teeth at them harshly, a group of maybe five people all around, each waving a small ticket to Ash. Some of the group laughing as I felt my face turn red. I rolled my eyes, Ash turning back to me. He doesn't say anything, just looks down at me before turning to go back to the counter. Me, feeling my heart race wildly once more from the look.

"How many?" Ash asked, bitterly, them all holding up their tickers to Ash.

"5 please." One of the girls say at least. I can't believe we just.. we did just.. we kissed right? Oh, my fucking God, we just kissed!! What the fuck?! I started internally freaking out once again, not sure how badly this was gonna ruin anything. Rather it be whatever friendship I had with Fezco to how the fuck it would affect Santa Clause in the summertime, literally everything. What's the worst that could happen, he's a- he's only a drug dealer. I don't give a shit what he does.. Okay I do. What if they get hurt or something? Or they get busted or some shit? Would you calm the fuck down it's not like anything's actually gonna happen. He probably didn't even mean it anyways, most guys like him don't..

   I mentally groan, feeling something buzz from in my pocket. I pulled out my phone, almost facepalming as I realized I could have just fucking called Jules during my freak out.

'Hey have you seen Gia?' That was from Rue.

'Hey whered you go? oh have you seen Gia her and Rue are gonna be leaving but we can't find her.' That one was from Jules. I decided to text rue first.

'No she said something about hanging with a friend or something.'

'I just met up with someone, been hanging out with them.' This one being sent to Jules.

"Your sister?" I looked up quickly from the phone, fully looking up as he seemed to be standing in front of me once more. My heart skipping a beat but tried to ignore my feelings.

"And Rue. They can't find Gia and they're going home." I explained further, trying not to sound thrown off from our prior event.

"You leaving with them? You want you can stay, and we'll give you a ride home or some'em." It was.. surprisingly a very easy decision, even it meant leaving my bike here and getting it in the morning. Hopefully some asshole didn't pick the lock or cut it and steal my bike.

"You sure it won't be too much?" I stupidly ask.

"Too much what?" He asked, the universe it seemed, hands held up slightly by his sides looking up.

"I don't fuckin' know. Time, energy, fucking gas. I don't need to drive to know that shits expensive." He waves me off, sucking his teeth.

"Girl, you fuckin' trippin'. Tell yo girls you stayin' wit' me." He turns towards the food, as I stare after him. I examine him hard, heart not slowing down in the slightest. I looked down as he started to turn towards me, phone already close enough to my face so I'm sure I didn't make it that obvious that I was staring. Which I'm guessing, hoping, I was since he didn't say anything.

'Im gonna stay and chill with Ash he said him and fez well bring me home' I pulled the phone away, going to look to him before I stopped short, bring the phone back up.

"Damn."

'hey you guys find gia, let me know she wasnt kidnapped or anything' I didn't get a chance to pull away, her already replying to the last one.

'oh so youve been hanging out with ash hmm? at least I know ur safe.' I tried not making a face, knowing Ash was watching me. She quickly replied to the last text.

'we found her, her and rue just left. don't forget im going out tonight so dont wait up' I had a harder time keeping a straight face, my mind stuck on her last sentence, trying not to frown at it.

"What she say?" I clicked the screen off, holding it down in my lap.

"Nothing, Gia went AWOL but they found her." I explained casually. He gave me a look, not being able to say whatever it was he wanted to before new people showed up. I took it as an opportunity to reply back to Jules.

'just be careful please' I debated for a while on rather or not to send it. Not wanting her to not come to me about things anymore because she's afraid I'll turn on her or anything. But I was genuinely worried for her, and she doesn't even know how much it terrifies me.

'your starting to sound like dad geez Gem i'll be fine i promise. love ya<3' This is why I don't say anything.. But why does he have to meet her there?!

"You sure that's all she said?" I looked back up, no one being in line. I nod once to the side.

"I may have paraphrased a lil bit." He raised his brows, looking as though he could just almost smile, but he don't.

"Well what else she say?" I paused, frowning a bit.

"Nope, story for a story." His brows knit together quickly, almost an amused look. Almost impressed.

"Aight, aight fuck it. You go first. What your sister say to actually bug you out?" I huffed out a tiny bit under my breath, leaning back a bit on my hands as my phone rested on my lap.

"She's going to meet someone." I say simply.

"Nah, we both know there's more than that. Why's that such an issue?" I rolled my eyes, figuring it wouldn't have been that easy.

"Fine, story time. For a while now, before we even moved here Jules used to have a habit of finding guys online and meeting up with them.. She usually sneaks out at night, meeting them at motels or whatever. Tonight, she's meeting one at a fucking lake, after the carnival. She texted me to remind me she's not gonna be home till late, so I shouldn't wait up for her." He looks overly confused.

"And she's never met this guy before?" I shake my head.

"Do you usually worry so much whenever she goes?" I looked down, for a second, shrugging before looking back up at him.

"Some people are, like, not exactly accepting towards people like my sister. I just, kinda worry a little bit sometimes.." I tried saying it casual, like it wasn't one of my most constant fears that was always haunting my thoughts.

   That's where Jules and I differed. She was almost fearless when it came to embracing the hate, whereas I feared it. Almost as if I had gotten her fears as well, that's how strong it is. I see how our own mother, treated my sister, it just makes me scared of what some random stranger, who has a real and powerful hatred towards people like my sister.. What they'd do..

"Now I get why you like that." My brows raise and knit close together at this, him giving a wide one-sided grin cockily.

"Nah I just.. I get why you seem so freaked to be without your sister. Why you always jumpy and shit. You was fucked up." I internally died, feeling my face turn red some as I felt myself fluster some.

"Could you not!?" He gives me a look, one I broke under quickly as I look away in defeat.

"It ain't right of her to make ya worried like that so much, but.. you know she's gonna do what she gonna do, right? No point worryin' all the time."

"Easy for you to say, your brother can fight. Jules can't. Come on, my turn. How are you two brothers?" I asked curious, not in like a mean way but because it was a pretty understandable question, the two not looking completely alike. But than again neither did Jules and I.

"Guess it's my turn. When I was a baby, I was offered to Fezco's Gram as collateral, only the bitch never game back to get me. Guess it worked out though because, Fezco's my fam, wouldn't change that shit for nothin'. Took care me my whole life." I nod, surprised by the story a bit. I felt bad of course but was surprised that's how it played out.

"Ah, now I get why you're like that with Fezco." I tease him some, basically doing the same as he had done. He gives a sarcastic look.

"I don't act a way with Fez. I act like I normally do, only I don't hate him, like I do everyone else." Gee thanks.

"You do though, you actually act kinda sweet when you're by your big bro's side." I giggled some, teasing him more since I felt offended at his last comment, knowing this was enough to get him back.

"I ain't sweet. And don't ever fuckin' call me that again." I laughed some, him walking to the counter as people showed up for their drug filled snacks. I guess tonight wasn't a total fail.