I closed the door to the rooftop upon reaching it. Crouching down, I untied my shoes and took them off, setting them over to the side of the door. I stood up, with that I see a girl with braided hair. She didn't look a day over five. The shirt she was wearing was clearly too big for her, like it didn't even belong to her.

I can see that she wanted to stand on top of the ledge. I can feel my lips moving, not being able to stop myself from screaming.

"Hey, don't do it, please."

The young girl turned to me, her eyes clouded over by tears, a medical gauge taped on her left cheek. She looked at me with a look of surprise on her face.

What did I just say? To be honest, I couldn't care less, as this was an opportunity missed. I walked closer to the girl, the hot surface of the rooftop's floor almost burning my feet.

The girl with braided hair smiled forcefully. "You've probably heard it all before. I really thought he would be the one to free me from my demise. He was my first and only friend when everyone in school doesn't even notice I'm there. He didn't know about what I'm going through but he served as my support pillar. But then one day, he just moved away. Like he was never a part of my life."

I could feel myself getting angry from that statement. "For God's sake, are you serious? I can't believe this. For some stupid reason, you're here before me. You're upset because he left, when you clearly have two of the bravest girls in the world— your older sisters.

You're lucky that you've never gotten robbed of anything." I ended with a scoffed, remembering the reason why I was here in the first place. My best friend, the person I unintentionally fell in love with, currently dating a girl who's clearly much better than me. My younger sister who left me to reach her dreams. Finding out that the people who robbed me of my childhood are now free from jail. I, who have been robbed of my everything.

The girl with braided hair smiled a genuine smile, showing one of her top teeth that was currently missing. "I'm feeling better, thank you for listening. I'll make sure to tell my sisters about how you helped me."

And with that, he disappeared.

— // —

"Alright, today's the day." I told myself, taking both of my shoes off. However, I can see that I was wrong. Sitting on the ledge was a short boy, an oversized hoodie covering his body.

I sighed, and then screamed. "Don't do it. It's not worth it."

The petite boy turned to me, a small smile on his lips. "You've probably heard it all before. Everyone manages to ignore me in my new school, as if I don't exist. I don't fit in with anyone in this new environment. Nothing will change if I disappeared from this town. Every adult will still go to work, every child will still go to school."

"Are so serious? I can't believe you. For this reason, you got here before I did? So what if no one notices you in school? So what if you feel like you don't fit in? I promise you everything will get better. You'll meet someone who will make you feel that everything is finally getting better. Even so, you're loved by your aunt, your dads, your cousins, your sister, and the rest of your family. There's dinner waiting on the table, you know?"

"I'm hungry," The boy laughed bitterly, hopping off the ledge and on to the floor of the rooftop. "Thank you for listening."

And with that, he disappeared.

— // —

It became my daily routine. There was someone on the rooftop before me every day. I listened, I made them turn away from wanting to jump off. I became someone who I needed at the moment, someone who would tell me to not do the same thing.

Yet there was no one. There was no one who could do this for me, no one to tell me to not be stupid and jump. They're all too busy taking care of their own lived. I can't tell them. They can't know. I don't want to distract them from their own lives.

There was no way I can let out this pain.

— // —

For the first time, I walked towards the rooftop, and I saw someone who looked like he was carrying the same pains as me. Having done this over and over again, I opened my mouth. The boy wore a yellow cardigan. Did I even make a sound? Did I ever make a sound? It's like I never made a sound, because the boy kept looking at the distance.

The boy laughed bitterly, before turning to me to speak. "I just want to stop inflicting scars onto myself every time I go home. That's why I went up here instead.

To end it all."

Wait, what did I just say? Was I even the one who said that, or was it him? I couldn't care less whether it was me or him. In the moment, I just had one intention. To scream something that even I did not believe.

"Hey, don't do it. Please."

He stared at me with a pitiful expression. It was too much for me to handle. I can't stop him, I can't do anything to change his mind, I just know it. I've bitten more than I can chew this time. It sank in. The words about wanting to stop the scars didn't come from the other boy.

It came from me.

"I guess today's just not my day." Said the boy, looking away from me and disappeared.

— // —

I came to a different place this time, an orchard. There's no one here today, I guess today's the day. I've been going to this orchard since I've been a kid. It was definitely far from my home in New York. I've been here since the 17th of May, it's currently the 20th now.

I walked up to the tallest tree I could find. There was a mark indicating that this was the one.

No one was here to interfere. No one here to stop me. It's just me, myself, and I.

I climbed the tree, one foot after the other, one branch then to another, I climbed higher and higher. I climbed until the entire sun shined on my face. I sat on the branch, taking of my yellow cardigan. I brushed my fingers through my hair, the small braids my sister did coming undone.

I stood up. And I suddenly feel the branch give way. I felt it snapping

This boy, Ji Guanlin, as fragile as can be,

Is going to jump now and be free.

— // —

Note:

Woah, this is quite the difficult one to write oof. The oneshot is obviously based off the song My R. Here are the explanations lmao since I have a lot of shit to explain wooh.

— Generally, all of the people in this oneshot that are physically present are all Guanlin. The "girl" with braided hair, the petite boy, the boy with the yellow cardigan, and the narrator himself is all Guanlin. Below are the more in depth explanation

— Girl with braided hair: Guanlin at age 5. —
— Ayt first of all, the reason why it's stated as a "girl" with braided hair tied to the fact that when he first started school. The reason behind this is because his biological parents are absolute shit, and he has two older sisters. Yes, he was forced to dress as a girl and have long hair just so that his biological parents can "save" money by making him wear hand-me-downs from his sisters, aka dresses. So that's why people saw him as a girl from age 2-5. In kindergarten, he went to school while his hair being in two braids.
— About the he in the statement by the girl in braided hair was the first friend Guanlin ever made. Since Guanlin was being forced to dress as a girl, his parents didn't want to risk it and told him to not talk to anybody, even though people talk to him first. Basically, he distanced himself from the other people in his kindergarten class, which eventually made him become isolated. However, there's this one persistent boy who kept talking to Guanlin and kept bugging him to be his friend. Eventually, Guanlin caved in and became friends with the persistent boy without telling his friends. This was the first time Guanlin ever felt loved by another person outside his family. A month or two passed, however, the other boy stopped going to school, and it made Guanlin felt hopeless in school once more. Of course, this did not sit well with his parents and they blew off once they knew Guanlin wasn't doing as good as he did in school. However, he found comfort in his older sisters, and that's that for this explanations,

— The petite/small boy: Guanlin at age 9 —
— At this point in his life, Guanlin was finally adopted by Leo and Guanghong into their family. This part is pretty straight forward and self explanatory. Since he was in a bad home situation since he was born up until age 8, he didn't feel like he didn't deserve his "new family". He also got transferred into a new school, where he didn't feel like he belonged. He didn't feel like he fit in the new family he had, since he never had that kind of treatment before. As stated before, pretty self explanatory. At some point early on after he got adopted, he came to the conclusion that yes, maybe he didn't deserve his new family, but he sure did need them.
— He came home that night after wanting to run away, thankful that there was food on the table waiting for him.

— The boy with the yellow cardigan: Guanlin at age 18 —
— The current Guanlin, simply put. This was not the first time he thought to end everything, but this was the point in his life that he got really close to ending his own life. He wore a yellow cardigan on that day, sitting in the bathtub, wanting to drown himself. The line "the boy with the same pains as me" pertains to the moment where he stared at himself in the mirror, just before sitting in the overflowing bathtub in the bathroom. He saw how dead and pitiful he looked through that reflection, mind set on what he wanted to do. However, a voice at the back of his head kept screaming at him to not doing. This voice didn't win, because he kept approaching the bathtub. Before he could step into the tub, someone knocked on the bathroom door, and that someone being his younger sister, Hazelle. That made him think that maybe that day wasn't the day, therefore stopping him from doing his plan.
— This was also the year (2037) that he stopped inflicting self pain through cutting, becoming clean for over a year..

— Narrator: Guanlin at age 19-21, late 2039 to early 2041 —
— The line breaks after each part signify different times from late 2040 to early 2041. These were different times where he went to the rooftop of his apartment building to try and jump off. The intentions behind these attempts is listed as follows:
— Girl with braided hair: "Never gotten robbed of anything" is pretty much already explained in the same paragraph. This is the point in time where the person he fell in love with, Hangyeom, was dating his other best friend, Saejin (eventually broke up and Hangyeom went to date Minyeon), and although he knew he was never fit for his best friend anyway. This is also the time when he found out that his biological parents, the very people who robbed him of his childhood managed to get bailed out of jail and were now free, living "normally".
— The petite/small boy: "There's still food waiting on the table" talks about when his sister, Hazelle, went to live in South Korea to pursue her passion and become an idol, their family wasn't the same as before. He felt like a burden to his parents, and that's when he moved out. He realized that he's alone in this world, and nothing has ever changed from his past. He realized that nothing will change once he disappeared. There's no one who cares enough for him, and there will be no food waiting on the table anymore.
— Boy with the yellow cardigan (this is different from the other two): "Your pitiful expression is just too much for me" is where he remembered seeing his own reflection and how pitiful he looked, and how bad he felt for himself at that time.
— Finally, the last part. He went back to the town he lived in up until he was taken by social workers, and there is an orchard there. He would go there often, from the age of 13, and found a sense of peace, something that he can't find anywhere else. On May 17th, 2041, he didn't turn up to his parents' wedding anniversary, nor Hazelle's comeback show with her group in the same city. He was declared missing, although was not brought publicly. In reality, he went to that orchard, finally having enough.