//TRIGGER WARNING!! //

The following chapter contains angst, depression and self-harm. please do not read if you are uncomfortable. i do not encourage it. 

NOTE: Please ignore the fact that Phun is in the video attached. I couldn't find any other lyric video but this song really fits this chapter and you really need to hear it and see the lyrics. T_T this song is supposed to be about Namjoon in this story. please bear with me. and please listen to the song! you will miss half of what this story really feels like in Noh's perspective if you don't hear it T_T

It was Sunday afternoon. I can barely remember what time it was. I was either so drunk or too sleep deprived. If you may have guessed, yes, I haven't slept at all ever since Ohm and Film broke the news to me. I cried and drank until the wee hours. Getting yourself drunk is really stupid in my opinion. It's true that it doesn't solve anything but it makes you numb and it makes you throw up and in that moment, you somehow forget the pain for a while. It's just that, it was too much. If I would describe the pain, it probably feels like being on top of a tree for so long and then abruptly falling down on the ground, face down, and no one is there to catch you. I am broken and beat inside and out. But today, right now, I decide that I've had enough and I need an escape. I did not bother to tell my friends about this because they'd only freak out and I'd end up stuck in my room. Just for today, I want to be free. To be as far away as possible from everything and everyone I know. After this, I will be okay. I should be okay. I need to be okay. I start my engine and muster all the courage I have left to text him one last time.

I don't bother checking a response and proceeded to step on my gas and speed away. Where to? I don't know. I don't really fucking care right now. All I know is that it hurts and maybe the further I drive away, the pain will gradually disappear. I see houses, people, cars, dogs, fading away in my rear view mirror. I feel the adrenaline slowly building up in my veins and I feel alive. Or at least at this moment, I am alive. And it sucks because the further I'm driving away, the more I remember his smile, the sound of his laughter, the face he makes when he wants something from me. The way the light bounces off his hair and his face and the way he closes his eyes when he is lost in his performance. Damn you Kim Namjoon! Why do you have to be so fucking perfect in every way? And that smile! For Christ's sake, that smile! I scream so loud inside my car that for a minute I was scared I'd be mistaken as a lunatic. I am a mixture of messed up and madly in love. I don't know what I feel and what to feel anymore. How do I start over? How do I forget? Why does it hurt? Stupid questions run through my mind and my tears start to well up and breathing becomes painful every minute. I reach an empty park and I decide to stop driving and breathe. Just breathe. I calm myself down while I drink another can of beer I brought with me. I took out my phone to check the time. 5:34 PM or so I think that's how it read. I'm not really sure. I am really drunk and probably even half crazy.

22 missed calls from Ohm

9 missed calls from Film

1 text message from Asshole Namjoon

Don't judge me. I am too mad at him plus he is an asshole so what do you expect?

The next few words broke me.

The thing about love is that it sucks. It sucks because you don't get a heads up of what's about to happen or how it would feel, or on a scale of 1-100 how painful it would be. Nothing will prepare you from the great fall. There is no crash course for love and pain altogether. There is no internship on how to deal with breakups 101. Not even a million relationships would feel the same. The pain would vary from every person and the reality is you have no control over it and it fucking sucks. I didn't know what happened next but I remember getting so mad and crying so hard and my mind racing through many scenes from the past, with namjoon, with Ohm and Film, with Phun. I slam on my wheels and punch it without mercy, until the pain didn't come from my chest anymore but from my ripped knuckles oozing with blood. I remember wanting to disappear, just disappear. I remember cursing Namjoon's name so loud and stepping more and more on the gas pedal not noticing what my speed was at that point. Not even bothering to check if I was on the right lane, or where I was in the first place. Until, everything went black.

The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by wires and machines and an unforgiving light right above my head and everything around me was painted in white that I could barely see a thing. My eyes were still blurred, and every muscle in me hurt like hell but I hear a voice.

"Oh,you're awake! That's great!"

"w-what happened?" I ask the voice, still unable to see who the person is but I figured it's a guy judging by the voice.

"you've met an accident yesterday. Luckily, you only have minor injuries but you will have to stay here for a week so we can observe you for any complications that may arise in the coming days. We called your friends and they said they'll be here today"

By the time he finished speaking, my eyes were slowly coming back to normal vision. My attending physician, or so I assumed, was still busy checking whatever those monitors told him.

"your stats are stable now. All good." He says this, as he turns around from what he was doing and was now facing me, fond smile, gentle eyes, soft hair, and almost orange lips.

No... it can't be. Is it really? Is he really?

"P-phun?!"

a/n: im sorry if this chapter hurt you. i almost cried writing this. what do you think about this chapter? let me know in the comments! see you on the next one <3