Ryan

"Where should we go?" She asked smiling at me as she always did. We were outside the orphanage, standing in the same sidewalk which I had always seen from behind the fence. It has been sixteen years and yet the ice cream cart still stood there, unmoved and unaffected by time. Even the guy who sold the ice-cream was the same one from my childhood. The only difference was his face that had wrinkled and faded with years of toil and stress. It seemed as if I was looking at a picture from long back that had changed but subtly. It was remarkable how I could still feel a sense of longing and distress at the scene.

"Can I have some ice-cream?" I asked pointing to the cart that stood by the roadside. I felt strange.

"Sure." She replied.

I had always played this scene in my head countless times when I was small though I would never admit it to anyone. I would grab the fence with both my hands and peer outside  through the opening. Then I would imagine someone holding my hand and taking me towards the cart. My hand would always be above the level of my head. I would smile at my imaginary mother or father and they in turn would smile back at me.

Now I was past that fence, past that road and past that age. My hand was no longer stretched out above my head. I was taller than her.

As if on impulse, my hand unconsciously touched Ashley's. It just brushed past her's and I removed it as soon as I could to make it less awkward. But much to my surprise, she grabbed my hand in hers. I stole a look at her. She was as stoic as ever and both of us stood there like that. I averted my eyes towards the ground. For other person it may have looked stupid but for me, it was a very big moment. I had passed a certain barrier in my mind that was guarded with fences and a blank road. Now both of them seemed so easy to surpass.

It was as if I had climbed past the fence and was running towards something new, something dangerous yet calming. I smiled at the ground and then pulled myself together. I glanced up and gave the guy my best smile.

"A chocolate cone please."

The cart guy smiled back at me in some sibylline recognition and nodded. Maybe he knew who I was. I looked at Ashley who grinned and patted my back lightly.

"I wanted to do something like this." She said.

"Me too."

After that we went across the park and towards the mall. I was a bit nervous in dealing with her today because of what had happened yesterday. I didn't want to remember how she had broken down and neither wanted to spoil the wonderful moment that had happened just before. What should we talk about? What can we talk about? If I ask her something, it would be related to her and the trouble would return. I sighed.

"What happened?" She suddenly asked, knitting her eyebrows.

"Um...I wanted to see this movie." I replied quickly so that she wouldn't get suspicious.

"Oh okay. Let's. We couldn't see one on Wednesday after all." I nodded and we both made our way towards the mall's PVR. It was the only mall in our small town. It wouldn't have been that much of a tourist spot had there been other attractions. The town as a whole was dull and the people, uninterested.

We watched whatever movie that had released and had less people watching it because Ashley told me that she hated crowds. I complied and within minutes we found ourself sitting in the hall with scattered audience, eating popcorn.

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"You know, when I was small, this place was worse than it is now. There was absolutely nothing to do, nowhere to go, save for that park around where you live." She said. The movie had finished and we were outside the mall.

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh. Me and Jackie would always go searching around for new hiding places. Once we even found something like a cave!" She giggled and continued, "I remember Old Ed. He would always sit in that park bench, breaking bread into bits and feeding it to the birds. He was a poor man. We always wondered why he wouldn't eat the bread himself. But then he was a strange man. He told us some weird stories about filthy ghosts living in this town and some Bard that dwelled beneath the bridge and walked around at night with a chopped head." We both bursted out laughing at this.

"Wow. Old Ed must be one hell of a storyteller!" I said.

"Yes. Tell me something about your childhood." Suddenly the familiar discomfort settled between us. She grew quieter and I found myself getting serious too. This wasn't good. I pushed away the thickening air by my words.

"Well there wasn't much to do but hey, we had our good times even though most of it ended up with us getting scolded or spanked. When we were small, a fat nun of ours who was also in charge of our discipline would shout profanities at us. Don't believe me? Haha. But she did and did it only when no one was around. She was younger than the others. We would always trouble her, especially in the afternoon when it was our play time. Oh how I remember her barking at us!" She laughed at this.

"So what happened to her now?"

"She got transferred." I said nodding my head at nothing. "She left when I was twelve. She left without saying anything to any of us. I wonder where she is now." I looked at a distance with reminiscence. 

"You have someone you would like me to meet?" 

"Huh?"

"All I am saying is that I want to meet those who are important to you, Ryan. Just like I want you to meet my family, I am sure even you would want me to meet someone close to you."

"Ah, I don't have much of them."

"Really? I was expecting some girl." She said playfully.

"Oh come on!" I chuckled. "There's just Seb. Sebastian, I mean. The one you met? We are best friends since as long as I can remember. Also, I haven't had much luck with girls considering that our orphanage mostly have guys. But I'll find one once I get out." I said reassuringly.

"Of course." She said and we strolled along the road, heading nowhere in particular. It was late afternoon. The gusty wind flowed past us and mixed with the aroma coming from a nearby restaurant. I had eaten two bags of popcorn so my stomach remained unusually civil. In truth, I never thought much about this town but that didn't mean that I never wanted to leave this place. Maybe, I could understand why she ran away. Small towns like this are never meant for younger people. I suddenly had the urged to meet my grandparents but I kept quite.

"Did you decide?"

"Decide what?" I ask in confusion.

"About tomorrow."

"Oh. Uh yeah. I think I'll come." I couldn't believe the words I uttered there. I said them so casually that it scared me. On the inside, I was still having a feeling of denial.

"Really?" She brightened up and pulled me into the tightest of hugs. "I am so happy son."

"Yeah." I hugged her back.

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I entered my dorm room, heavily exhausted by the heat I was under throughout the day though it had cooled down a bit. Sebastian wasn't there and I decided to have a quick bath to do away with the sweat and tiredness.

After that, I opened a snack packet and started eating it. My mind swayed back to the conversation we had before. Somehow, me and Sebastian ended up having a fight in the morning. I told him that I would say no to meeting her family and he got all worked up over nothing. He said things like repentance and how time once gone never comes back and shit like that. I still couldn't understand why Sebastian was so sensitive about it.

But the good news for him was that I had agreed. I, Ryan Patrick Collins, had just 'Yeah-ed' away such an important decision at the end of that conversation with Ashley. It was such a shame. My chain of thought broke as Sebastian barged inside.

He saw me and ignored my presence. Well, the silent treatment was of no use now. "I said yes."

He suddenly jerked his head in my direction. His eyes widened for a moment and then he roared in happiness.

"Woah! So you finally got your brains back. I am proud of you." He nearly slapped my soul out of my body as he patted me.

"Yeah yeah. It was a slip of tongue, mind you." I retorted.

"I don't care, Ryan." He grinned at me and I found myself smiling. He always had a strange way of dealing with me and making me do what he thought was right for me. The worst part was that I always listened to him. Even worse that he was always correct.

"Arghh." I feigned frustration and plunged into the thick, hard bed. I heard Sebastian chuckle as he drew out his chair and started studying history. In subject choices, we were poles apart.

I took a deep breath and started thinking it out.

I was little nervous about Saturday. I had never met a 'family' in all my life. It was absurd now that I thought about it. I had always seen them from afar, at a distance where they won't see me watching them laughing, crying​, patting each other or even getting scolded. It was a miracle whose touch I had never felt. It was different to experience such things than just fantasizing about them.

While people who had a family would never appreciate it, us orphans knew only too well. We scrounged for the jewels they took for granted. We hunted for emotions they felt everyday, craved the touch they pushed themselves away from, embraced the beauty of living together that they they injured unknowingly.

And yet I was afraid. How would her family welcome me? Will they even consider me as a part of their family? The thing I was most frightened about was that they would mock me. Because why wouldn't they? I was an outsider at the end if the day. What could I expect from them, I couldn't tell myself. What if the whole thing was one big, giant hoax? The thought of it was enough to distress me.

I shifted in my bed. The lights were still switched on. The only sound in the room was of pen scratching against the dull white paper. I wasn't calm at all. But maybe there was a part of me that wanted to go. What was that made a family, a family? What was that mystical force, that invisible thread that bound people together to create this sacred wreath called 'family'?  I wanted to know, to watch and understand. If I could cherish it forever, it was too alluring to think even.

But how worse could it be?

I shifted again, closed my eyes and thought about popcorn.

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Hullo again!

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-Polluted Puck