"Dude! What the hell!" Sebastian shouted. "I seriously can't have mashed potatoes any longer. They have been giving us this for about a week. I mean what are we? Some food deprived soldiers in a battlefield who have lost connections with our team and are now surviving on the leftover food every damn day?"

I couldn't agree more with him. He was right. Us seniors in the dorm usually get the leftover food from the previous night, most of the time. It is the small children who get the real food.

"You're right." I nodded my head and continued eating the thing. The more years you spend here, the more low-caste they treat you because it means that possibility of some family to come and pick you up becomes bleaker.

After we consumed our breakfast, we started walking towards our dorm. I wasn't feeling relaxed. But then that was taken for granted, considering what was happening in my life. Our first period was free today so even Sebastian was in the room. Ashley would soon come to take me anytime now.

I positioned myself onto the bed. I sat down with my legs bent and arms crossed, resting on my knees and my chin resting on my arms. I stared ahead at the wall.

Yesterday had been the most tiring and brainstorming day ever since she came. I was so tired and disconcerted that I couldn't study at night. And after that small pillow fight of ours, I was as good as dead.

Since Monday, every day has been so tiring, so dragging and so hard to comprehend. There are so many emotions and so many feelings that seem all new to me. It feels as if some locked box inside my brain has been opened and I can't control the speed with which the things are escaping from it. Why is it so difficult? Why? Why is this happening to me?

How can she possibly ask me to visit her family so suddenly? Does she want them to look down upon me? Does she want to insult and laugh at me along with them? I don't understand. It's too troublesome to even think about it. I don't have the courage nor the energy to meet her new family. I know I would feel alienated among them. I know that they would never accept me. I don't know if I would be able to accept them.

Moreover, I don't know anything about her. I don't know where she works or even what job she has. I don't know her favourite food or her way of doing things. Hell I don't even know her surname!

That's so stupid of me not to ask her. I don't think I would be able to-

"Deep in thought I see?" Sebastian said.

I flinched due to the shock and realised I was still staring at the wall.

"Yeah." I replied.

Seb smiled and said, "Don't think too much about it. Just go with the flow."

I grimaced. "Of course, it's easy for you to say that."

"Of course." He grinned and continued, "But maybe you should just do what she is expecting you to do."

"No. You don't know what the hell I am dealing with here, Sebastian! It's as if my whole world has been turned upside down. What if I tell you that the sun rises in the west? It's a fact that is known to all and you have to accept it without questioning. That whatever it is that you have been taught your whole life was a lie? You all are just wanting me to accept it blindly that the sun rises in the west. And sadly, I can't bring myself to do th-"

A sharp and short knock came at the door. It was time. I got up with my heavy legs and dragged myself out of the room while giving her a smile.

--------

We walked out of the orphanage in an awkward silence. Ashley was quiet today. There was some uneasiness in the air. Moreover, today she was late. It was already close to noon. We sat down in the car.

"So did you give some thought to it?" she glanced at me once then went back to eyeing the road.

"Um... yeah I'm.... I'm still thinking about it."

She nodded and smiled. "You know what, I know the perfect place to go to today!"

We rode for a while before pulling over outside an old ramshackle building. It was nearly destroyed with all the yellow cement and bricks jutting out at odd places. But it was a huge building. There were no doors and the windows were broken. I had been to this locality before, yet I wonder why I haven't seen this thing before.

"What is this?" I asked.

Ashley didn't speak immediately. She started walking towards it with her hands inside her jeans pocket. I followed her. We were standing very close to the building and then she chuckled.

"This was my school. I studied here." She looked at me. I was guessing all sorts of things but school was sure not one of them. it was obvious that she would have gone to a school when she was young. young... I wonder what her childhood was like. i was reminded again that I knew nothing about her.

"It was a dirty place. All types of kids went to this school. It was a public school and now they are selling the land. I wonder why they left it like that for so many years." She took a deep breath and let it out. "Time sure flies away if you don't keep it within your grasp always."

I nodded. "Where do you live now?"

She looked a bit taken aback by this sudden question. "Ah, I live nearby. Actually about a hundred miles away from this town. I took this place today because I wanted to show you something about myself."

"Is this your hometown?" I was in my 'interviewer' mode now. So there was no stopping.

"Yes it is."

"So your parents might be here too, right?"

She was looking distressed and bit her bottom lip. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"No no. It's alright. you have the right to know everything about me. You see I....I ran away from home when I was sixteen with....your father. I haven't gone back since. I can't." She was more restless but continued speaking, "My father, he was a heavy drinker. so you might understand our home atmosphere. My mom never really cared about me. I was young and everything you know. I ran away with your father. But he left me as soon as he realized that I was pregnant. I was so scared of doing everything alone and then- and then I...." She started sobbing and I realized that the last bit was about me. 

I immediately went towards her and pulled her into a hug. That's when her sob turned into heavy tears. I took here inside the building, and we sat on what was left of a staircase. i held her hands till her hiccups lessened.

After a while, she returned back to normal. "You know, I did to you what that man did to me. He left me when I needed him the most and I left you when you needed me the most. I still am not able to forgive him for what he did to me and here I am, expecting you to forgive me. I am no different then him. I am such a disaster." she shook her head in frustration and wiped her face with her hands.

"It is not easy to forgive those who ruined your lives or be forgiven for what you did to others. But I am trying. I am trying to mend my past by taking one step at a time. And my first step is you, Ryan." I nodded and hugged her again, never releasing my grip on her hands.

Humans are fallible creatures. I recall these lines from a book I was reading the other day. When I was young, I used to think that adults knew what they were doing. Teachers knew every answer to our questions, warden knew everything about taking care of us and feeding us, even if it was rotten food. But it's not like that. I wish we all knew what t do. I wish we all were perfect. But as humans, we are always affected by emotions and feelings, our intuitions, needs and wants. I wish there was something to control our emotions. something to tell us that whether what we are doing is right or wrong.

But there isn't. And that is why this world is like this, broken and apart. If she knew what it would lead to, she would never have abandoned me. Why are humans so weak, I wonder? Why don't we always think rationally? why do we take rash and unpredictable reasons without thinking of the consequences? Why are we like what we are...

--------

We got back into the car when Ashley had fully recovered herself.

"Hey, can I show you a place of mine, where I go all the time?" I figured it was my turn to show her something about myself. 

She brightened up. "Sure!" This time i was actually watching her face. suddenly, she didn't look as young as she was looking when she first came to my class. was it due to stress? was it due to me.

"What?" I realized that I was staring at her and averted my eyes.

"Nothing."

After guiding our car through the busy crowd inside the narrow street, we finally reached the area I visited the most. It was where I had gone tomorrow to cam myself down yes, the same market.

"Wow. I know this place. When I was young I used to come here to escape my family. I really liked this place a lot. I even made some friends here. and hasn't it turned huge after all these years."

"Really? when was the last time you came here. Because the trade expands very slowly here."

"The last time I came here, I was sixteen." I nodded.

"Hmm... so what do you do after you reach your favorite spot?"

The familiar railings were just behind us. I took a few steps back, clutched the railings and heaved myself up to sit on them. "I watch."

She did the same as me and then we started watching. all he activities that were happening before us. it was a rush hour so more people were stocking up inside the already cramped spaces. and we, we were watching them. watching life moving on without any hold. 

My eyes trailed along a group of kids passing by until they rested on a particular shop. It was a toy shop. the shopkeeper was outside and along with the assistant who looked my age. they were putting up fairy lights outside their doors. I remembered the fairy lights that I saw during the nocturnal animal show at the zoo and the same thought came rushing back to me. It was the same except that I voiced it out.

"I wonder why they put fairy lights everywhere. There is no upcoming festival too." I said.

"Maybe they are putting it for themselves, to decorate their working place." she said

"Yeah? Then what are they celebrating? It's kind of irritating." 

"Well, I think they are celebrating their job. Celebrating something that they love to do. You know it's rare for people to celebrate what they do. Most of the time, they cry about their work and how they aren't able to do the things they love. But this shopkeeper, he loves his job. I think he is celebrating life."

We hadn't had lunch yet and it was already dawn. The sky was filled with the afterglow of the fading sun, its reddish hue immersing the whole area into a fading brightness.

"You say deep things."

"I have had deep experiences after all." She laughed at her own words and then said, "Ryan, I want you to know, to understand, that I am not here because of any guilt. I came here because I want to correct some heavy mistakes that I have made in life. And you can help me correct them. I want to become a mother to you. I want to spoil you and give you all the candies and toys you want. I want to scold you and hold you when you need me. I want to do everything with you as a mother and son would.

I know I won't be able to do many of them now that you have grown up. It's time that you scold me." I caught myself laughing at this. She joined me too.

"Sure." I said, still unsure.

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