The cold was unbearable and terrifying today. I blew air to my hands and slowly rubbed them. Pulling my cardigan tightly, I took deep breaths and reached for the handle of the door. Our house was quiet today and that really sucks cause usually when you move out, there's lot of noises and bickerings. But my family did everything in pin drop silence, almost in a robotic way. Nobody talked - this was the state of my family now. To the most energetic family - look where we have reached, to a lifeless family.

Every room was cleaned but nobody wanted to touch this room. This room that will haunt them forever, but I dared to come here and do it myself. Because I have promised her that I'll always be the strongest girl. I sighed and pushed open the door.

I was in Yussa's princess room.

Her room was untouched from the day she had shifted back to the hospital. The pink wallpapers, the pink wardrobe, dressing table and all her makeup goodies were placed neatly. Her dolls were sitting on the couch - Giffy the doll Giraffe, Pearl the pony, unicorn doll and all of them were huddled together as if waiting for their princess to come back. But they don't know that their princess would never come back. I envied them because they were lifeless and didn't know about the happenings of the world. I remember what she had said when I went to take my blessing for the match,

"Well its over now and I'm going back to my room. Ha ! I missed my princess room".

But she never got the chance to be back in her room.

All the photographs were placed in frames on her walls and as I went near them I recalled the memories with her. There was a picture of the cake which we both made for our parents anniversary. The 'anniversy' written could be seen and both of us standing next to it - Yussa with a big goofy smile and me, as always with a not so interested face. Next to it was a photo of me and her, when I won the match and under the picture was written.

My barbie doll is a champion.

Another photo of our family in the beach, Yousuf had Ahsan on his back, Yussa was wearing shades and her one hand was tightly clasped under my chin - which says that she was forcing me to look at the camera that said I hated taking my photographs. I blinked my eyes and felt the tears coming down. I covered my mouth and bit back a sob.

It was so hard.

My Yussa was gone.

I stumbled backwards and took deep breaths. Calming my nerves I said to myself 'I could do this'. I slowly took the photos from the frames and kept it in a box. I'll never threw them away, all of these photos - these memories are coming with me to Yasrid.

After keeping them safely I walked towards her wardrobe, opening them I was met with a bundle of dresses. I groaned when I saw the falling clothes. Looks like Yousi had done massive destruction over here when he searched for the silver gown for my Prom. Gosh Yussa would have jump on his back and choke his neck. That would have been hilarious to watch when Yousi gives out his pleas, me and Ahsan would support Yussa and laugh out loud at their antics.

Shaking at the impossible dreams I continued taking her dress and arranging themselves in the bag. Then I took her dolls and kept it another bag along with her books and some of the makeup products. I took her Mr. Cuddles - I'm never ever giving him to the orphans.

Yes we were planning to give her products to the orphanage where Zee had once took me 'Tulips'. I hope that when I visit the orphanage he wouldn't be there. I haven't seen him for a week, not only him - even my friends - I have avoided them all. I had changed my Mobile number so they wouldn't call me. Mehara had tried to come home many times but I never ever let her see me because I had locked myself in my room. Nobody knows we were leaving except the Osmans.

A 'thud' sound broke me up from my thoughts and I looked at the book that had fallen from the top shelves from her wardrobe. Closing the lid of the box, I scooted towards the book. I opened the book and realised that it was a journal. And on the front page was written in bold letters.

You are not allowed to read my diary. It is strictly prohibited ! !

I laughed at the demon emoji she had drawn next to it. I sighed and was going to throw the book inside the box when a small paper falls on to my lap. I know it was prohibited but something inside me wanted to grab and read it. And that sudden curiosity drives me crazy. I slowly unfolded the torn, old and rusty paper. A sudden cold wind fanned my face and my breath hitched when I recognised her handwritting.

Dear diary.

The only person that knows everything about me is you. Not even Yousuf, Izza, or Yahiya. I'm scared, I really am. Yesterday my hair lost its thickness. I threw up so many blood when nobody was watching. I know its happening, it was coming back.

Cancer has arrived and I was too late. Too late for survival.

Even when my parents told me that I was just sick when I was a kid, I knew it was cancer. I had heard them talking about it - I was smart. But now I was in the last stage, I knew it was impossible to live again. I hate hospital, I really did. If I go there, I know I wouldn't come back - I'll have to go through so many tests. Everyone will look at me with tears and will blame themselves. I'll become a disease and I don't want that to happen.

Izza have seen me coughing up blood, she have seen the hairs - but she doesn't know. I hope she never finds out. I really don't want to go. I will die, but I don't want to die in a hospital room.

I want to graduate with good marks. I want to become a journalist. I want to become Yahya's wife and we will have four kids running aroud us in our beach side house. I want to see my Yousuf's wife - the one who have to tolerate his annoying behaviour the rest of his life and give her some warnings about him. I want to see who is the lucky guy that will steal my barbie doll's heart. I hope he's a good, strong guy that will always cherish and protect her. Because she had gone through a lot. Alot and all those days she had suffered should be replaced with all the good days with him.

I want to grow old and die in my sleep. Not like this. Not with so much pain.

If I don't write to you again - dearest diary, that means I'm in the hospital or I - I have gone, gone away to a land where there is no pain.

I'll miss everyone though. And I know that they will be devastated. Thinking about that, I feel so bad. Because of me they won't move on. Especially Yousuf , I hope Izza would look after him. She's a strong girl - I hope she get all of them back to as they used to be.

I hope a miracle happen, or even a magic would do. That my sickness will go away and I'll be back to my family.

I'm scared, I don't want to die diary.

The tears didn't stop as they kept flowing from my eyes. I folded the paper and threw it to the box. She was scared yet she pretended to be strong, she made us think that she was okay - when she literally was dying.

With a tear stained face I tied all the boxes and stood up walking towards the window. The window glass had frozen and it was so cold when I touched it. Bloom Woods was covered in snow. I remember the very first day to Bloom Woods high school, I was looking down through my window and Yussa had barged into my room.

I heard the footsteps and my breath hitched in my throat. I slowly turned my head towards the door waiting for Yussa to barge in just like she did that day. The door opened and with a sigh entered Yousuf and Ahsan. I felt a pang in my heart when I realised that Yussa would never come barging. I recalled how I shouted at her when she didn't knock. If I knew this was happening I would have let her barge into my room as much as she want.

Ahsan sat near the box and opened them. Me and Yousi joined him going through her things. Yousi laughed when he found that his golden colour pen was with her. I remembered that day, when he had gotten that pen and Yussa as stubborn she was, demanded it from him. But he didn't gave and Yussa had stolen it. I was glad that Yousi was trying his best to move on. But the thing was Yousi was never the annoying guy anymore in fact he was a cold hearted guy who only cared about his family. When Ahsan had gone with the boxes he tells me.

"I miss her"I smiled weakily at him and replied back,

"I miss her too. She knows that, she misses us too" He looks up from the photos and tilts his head at me. His eyes glistens and then one drop of tear comes out. He rubs his eyes and asks me,

"Why did she have to go ? Why her ?"

"I don't know. Just remember that Allah is the best planner and that he was testing you. Everybody was born to this earth and was bound to die some day. Its just that Yussa's life was till this much and she had to go away".

He nods his head and pinches the bridge of his nose. We both got up and took the remaining boxes downstairs. The car was set and behind us was a truck full of our furniture and other things that we were going to sell. Around one o'clock we all sat in the car ready for our departure to the airport. I looked at the window door of my room where I could see from the passenger seat of the car. I'll miss this house, the only thing that I'll miss in this place will be my home where I had spent the sixteen years of my life.

Maybe it was my imagination, but I saw her standing at the window door and smiling down at us. Her long hair swaying with the wind and her eyes so bright. She slowly lifts her hand and waves at me saying the words.

'I'll miss you'

••••••••

"This frock is so prettyyy".

"Oh oh look at these earrings ! I'm gonna wear them for Eid".

"These shoes are large though"

"Does this shades look good on me ?"

When the girls buzzed around me, the boys stood annoyed by the side. I was now in tulips and happily there was no Zee. Esme had asked what the occasion was, but I never replied. She asked why Zee wasn't with me, I ignored her.

"Look ! look a barbie doll !".

I snapped out of my thoughts and turned to look at a little girl holding out a barbie doll in her hands. Confused I went towards her and crouched down in front of her. Her eyes widened at my sudden interaction.

"Can I have a look at it ?" I smiled at her and she frowned looking at me and then at the doll.

"Are you going to take it back ?".

"Of course not ! What would a big girl like me do with a doll ?"

She gave the doll reluctantly, smiling at her I stood up with the doll. Strange, I never seemed to remember seeing this doll. I looked at the doll inside the box and took it out. It had blue eyes and blonde hair - the typical barbie doll. I thought Yussa had an addiction towards stuffed dolls. Shrugging my shoulders I was going to give it back to the girl when I saw the little sticky note placed under the box. I plucked it and squinted my eyes at the faded handwritting.

Happy Sweet seventeen Izzy,

Here - a barbie doll to the most beautiful barbie doll I have ever seen.

My throat went dry and I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. I suddenly realised that my birthday was coming up within a week and Yussa had already bought my gift. She wanted to give this to me but she was gone. From now on My birthdays will be without my Yussa. The little girl was tugging my cardigan. I know it was my gift, I know it was my last gift from Yussa. But I had to, I have to sacrifice, I have to become selfless.

"Here you go" I said and she gave me a big wide grin showing her toothless mouth.

"Thank you ! Thank you so much !" she jumped with joy and ran away to her friends.

Esme came towards me and I knew she was going to ask me something. But I quickly dashed away to the car that was waiting for me. When I was only few feet away from the car, I suddenly turned to meet her.

"Esme ! You have to become a doctor, okay ?" She furrowed her eyebrows together - not understanding why I was shouting, why I was reminding her of her dream.

"You don't need anybody Esme ! You are your own" She nods her head very slowly and I know she realised what I was trying to say.

"And I hope one day, I'll see you again" She starts walking towards me with tears in her eyes but I grinned at her even though I was breaking inside.

"When you see him next time, tell him -"

I stopped suddenly as the words which I was trying to say felt heavy. I calmed my nerves and smiled through my tears.

"Tell him that - each and every day I had spend with him were memorable".

"Izza -

I shook my head and waved at her then entered inside the car. I never let the smile drop from my face till we passed the gates as all the kids waved back at us. Only when the car had taken a left turn - I had released the breath I was holding. And then the tears came but he was too quick to wrap me in his arms.

"She wanted to gift me a barbie doll on my 17th birthday" I said in a breaking voice.

"I know, we both went to get it" he mumbled on to my hijab.

"It was the worst gift I've ever seen" I whined and he chuckled at that.

"Thats what she wanted - to annoy you".

"Stupid Yussa".

And we were laughing at the terrible birthday gift she wanted to give. Mom and dad looked at us through the rear view mirror confused and then Yousi was telling about the gift. Dad was laughing, mom too and thats all I wanted to see. I wiped my tears and grinned at Yousi, he in return flicked my nose and hugged me.

We were now sitting inside the aeroplane, I was seated in the middle of Yousuf and Ahsan. Ahsan wanted the window seat and I didn't mind, he was a kid after all. Yasrid was eight hours away from Bloom woods when you are travelling through train and two hours when it was plane. We were leaving when it was cold and cloudy weather in Bloom woods, and I hoped Yasrid would bring me bright sunny days, spring season.

"Ma'am please buckle up your seat belts". I looked up at the smiling air hostess and then nodded my head. Very slowly I buckled myself and stared outside. I heard the announcement going on but I didn't hear anything.

In that moment I came to know I won't be getting any call from 'Mehara the fm radio'. I won't be able to hear Ally's constant obsession over backstreet boys. I won't be hearing the sound of Marissa's heels and Fathima's cheerful laugh. I would never ever get to hear Justin's puns and jokes. I won't be able to see Seth's calm behaviour when he tolerates me and Dan's bright sky blue eyes and dashing smile. I would miss grans, Zohair's match, I'll miss Adam, Hilma, Hadi and Ayesha.

I stared outside as the plane moved and slowly rised up in the air.

In that moment I realised that I would never be able to hear the nick name he had given me.

'Sapphire'.

_______________________

Greetings ladies,

I missed you all.

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