Just do it.

I stand in front of his door, unsure what I should do.

I just knock on the door and he'll answer and we'll talk. You've done it lots of time before. Of course, this isn't like all the other times that I've come to see him. Usually when we get together and talk it's a good thing. We get closer and things get more intimate... emotionally speaking. Although sometimes it's physically speaking as well... or just the physical parts. I don't think that's what is going to happen this time.

In fact, I'm almost positive that the physical part isn't going to happen at all when I see him. He probably won't feel very intimate with me emotionally either. It's pretty much guaranteed that he's going to feel the opposite of close to me. And I'm definitely not going to like that. What we have is so good and it's been going so well. I don't want to do anything that will screw that up.

It's not like I can keep avoiding him though. He may have scaled back how often he calls but if I don't answer him soon, he'll be the one showing up on my doorstep to talk and find out what's going on. That's not going to go any better than if I knock right now. Better that I actually knock and confront the problem head on. At least then I can respect myself for doing the right thing about doing the wrong thing. Hopefully it'll give me a small amount of respect in his eyes after I tell him.

Taking a deep breath, I knock on the door.

I'll need something to cling to after our conversation at least.

It isn't long before he opens the door and sees me. That makes him smile.

I probably won't be seeing more of those from him for a while.

"Buffy..."

"Hi..."

Part of me can't help but feel nervous and I think it shows.

"Is everything all right? Is Trina..."

"Trina's fine. You don't have to worry."

"You're sure?"

I nod my head.

"Well, come in then."

He steps out of the doorway to let me in and I step through. We walk into his living room.

He's always had a nice place. I hope I get to see it again.

"I haven't heard from you in a while."

"I know. I'm sorry about that."

"I was getting worried."

"Again, really sorry about that. I've just been dealing with some stuff."

"Slayer related I assume. Is it that demon thing? Did you find something out about it?"

"Not... exactly."

He sits down on his couch with enough room for me.

"Sit down, tell me what's going on."

I watch him for a second, trying to decide if he means it, which of course he does.

He wouldn't if he really knew.

I do as he suggests and sit on the other side of the couch, giving us some distance. He notices this and I can see the concern on his face.

"We have a theory."

"Okay."

"It's not a very good theory, but right now it's all we have. We think... the demon might have... cast a spell... on me."

"What kind of spell?"

"We don't really know, that's part of the problem."

"How do you know that there's a spell then?"

Okay... I have to really be sure to say this right.

"I've been having, I guess you call it, mood shifts. Feeling things I wouldn't normally feel, doing things I wouldn't normally do. It's really confusing."

"Like what happened with Faith?"

What?

"I'm sorry?"

"With your sister, Dawn. She cast a spell on Faith and that made Faith do things and say things she wouldn't normally do."

Could that be what's going on? A variation on the spell Dawn used?

"I don't know, maybe. I guess it seems a lot like that. Like I said, we don't have much more than a theory at this point. We can definitely look into that."

"So... what does this spell do?"

I guess there's nothing left to do but just say it.

"It... makes me feel things and do things. In certain situations, it's like I just feel the need to act and I can't really help myself."

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, not sure that I can look at him as I say it but I force myself to.

"And one of those situations... happened, the other night... with Faith."

The look on his face tells me that it didn't take long for it to occur to him what I mean. He turns himself away from facing me on the couch, instead facing the front of it, leaning forward so his elbows are on his knees. The sadness is obvious in his voice.

"What are you saying?"

I face the rest of the room, sitting on the other side of the couch from him in the same position he is.

"Faith and I... we... slept together."

His head drops into his hands and I can almost feel the pain coming off him in his voice.

"And when you say slept together... what you mean is..."

He doesn't finish the sentence but it's not like he has to. He wants me to.

"We, had sex."

Nothing but silence follows my words for a long time.

All I can think to say is...

"I'm sorry."

More silence follows from him. I can feel tears starting to build up in me as I speak.

"I know that you probably don't want to hear about how sorry I am right now. But I am, and I need you to know that. This wasn't something I wanted. It wasn't something I planned. It wasn't even something that was going to happen until the second it did."

Even more silence follows from him. I do everything I can to keep from crying.

"There's nothing going on between me and Faith. I know that's hard to believe with what I just said and what we both know about the history she and I have, but it's the truth. When I'm not around Faith, I don't feel anything for her. And even when I am, I don't have any interest in her like that. It's only when any part of us touches the other that anything happens. I'm not in love with Faith. I don't want to be with Faith, and she doesn't want to be with me. Neither of us feels anything unless..."

"Unless you're touching each other."

It takes me a second to respond to his interruption.

"Yes..."

Again silence follows my words for a while. Tears start to come again and I hold them back.

He hasn't looked at me since I told him.

"So whose idea was it?"

What?

"I'm sorry?"

"Whose idea was it? Or at least... who touched who first? Who..."

"Initiated?"

"Yes..."

This time it's me who makes the silence between us go on for a while.

"It was... me."

That has him standing up and moving away from the couch, still avoiding looking at me. I stand up to meet him but don't really go anywhere.

"Derrick, baby... I'm sorry. I know I keep saying that and I know that's not what you want to hear but..."

"I... I need to be alone. Can you... I'd like you to go."

Neither of us saying anything for a long moment.

"I need you to go. Please..."

He's right... staying here is only making things worse. I need to go.

"I understand. You need time. I'll go."

Despite my instincts telling me to go to him and try to make him feel better, I start to walk away from him towards the door. When I get there, I stop, turning to him one last time.

"Derrick?"

It takes him a few seconds to answer although he never looks at me. The tears I'm holding back start to get really bad now.

"Yeah?"

"I really am sorry."

Nothing but silence follows what I said. Eventually, I turn to the door and walk out. When I get a few feet from the door, I stop and I can't hold back the tears anymore.

I'm so... so... sorry.